Gordon in the morning: Presumably Chuck E Cheese was booked up?

You know, there's nothing worse than someone standing over the shoulder of a parent saying "you're doing it wrong", but let's make an exception:

[I]t appears Posh and Becks’ parties are rivalling the most lavish.

Victoria pulled some strings to get son Romeo’s favourite band The Wanted to appear as special guests at his tenth birthday party on Saturday.

Seriously?

Gordon in the morning: Listening to Paul McCartney

With people from News International being charged with illegal interception of Paul McCartney's telephone messages yesterday, how amusing that Gordon Smart has nabbed a front page with details of a conversation between Macca and someone else.

This time, though, the discussion has been lifted from Shortlist. (Yes, the UK's biggest-selling paid-for newspaper is offering its readers a lead story today copied from a giveaway magazine; unless the FT has copied its front page direct from the MK Citizen, I can't think of a worse bargain.)

The paper flashes this as an 'exclusive', by the way. If you see Gordon trying to shove every copy of Shortlist down his trousers to try and justify that claim of exclusivity, you'll know why.

McCartney has a beef that David Beckham isn't going to be playing for Team GB in the Olympics:

Macca, 70, who will top the showbiz bill at the curtain-raiser, told Shortlist magazine: “It would’ve been great for him to lead out our British football team.

"But some person somewhere said, ‘So-and-so’s playing better.’ Like it matters.”

I'm not a football fan, but isn't 'someone being better at playing the game' quite important?

That might explain how Ringo managed to stay the drummer in The Beatles:
- 'ey, Paul, d'you think we should get the best possible drummer?'
- 'No, let's not'

Given that this is just an old man moaning to a different magazine, and he clearly admits that choosing Beckham would make the team worse, Gordon Smart and story co-author Nick Parker wouldn't embarrass themselves, and us, and McCartney, and Beckham by actually suggesting to Team GB that Macca should be picking the team, would they?

Last night a Team GB source said former England hero Pearce would NOT be moved — and that Macca should Let It Be.

It looks like they did.

Gordon in the morning: Kings of misery

If someone told you that Caleb Followill "felt like Kurt Cobain", you'd assume they meant he was driven to the point of suicide, right?

It turns out that's not quite what we're talking about:

Caleb revealed: "We were on the road and I'd just found out my house had been broken into.

"On top of that the record was doing really good. That was my Kurt Cobain moment: I was hating success, I was scared and thought people are gonna think we did this on purpose and made this record so it could be big."

Moping about how terrible fame is isn't "a Kurt Cobain moment"; Kurt was mentally ill. It's a Robbie Williams moment if it's anything.

Gordon copied the quote down while listening to the radio, but don't let that give you the impression that it's a thin day on Bizarre:

DAVID Beckham likes to keep down with the kids - wearing a backwards baseball cap to match his sons on a day out.

Soccer star David, 35, Romeo, eight, and five-year-old Cruz sported red toppers as they shopped in Hollywood.

I know what you're thinking: surely printing a picture of a man and a boy and saying 'the man and the boy wear red hats' is more picture book than news service, but there is a news angle:

But 11-year-old Brooklyn went bare-headed.

Man wears hat? That's not news. Boy doesn't wear hat? Oh, that's news.

Gordon in the morning: Becks defender

Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross are getting back together to generate some cheap publicity for Absolute Radio:

RUSSELL BRAND and JONATHAN ROSS will be together on the radio next month for the first time since Sachsgate.

Except, it turns out, they won't be on radio at all:

The pair will record a podcast live from Hackney, east London, for Absolute Radio.

What's the "live" doing there? Is it recorded, or is it live?

Elsewhere, Gordon's former number two and a journalist come together to rubbish the claims of the Beckham 'hooker':

Tosh N Becks By RICHARD WHITE and PETE SAMSON, US Editor

There is an obvious weakness in the InTouch story: if the woman who claims to have had an on-the-meter threesome with Beckham really is a high-earning sex worker with royalty, celebrities and sportspeople amongst her regulars, why would she ruin her business for a single cheque from a US magazine?

But News International isn't going to point out that the sort of top-level prostitute who often appears in their stories is the least likely person to be spilling beans. Indeed, it suggests that maybe this is a cash cow for her:

Last night Irma was trying to cash in on her allegations. She hired an agent and set up the website irmanici.com to charge 60p for each picture downloaded by users.

There's nothing more shabby than salacious content behind a paywall, eh, Mr Murdoch?

Of course, what's really here is a chance to throw rocks at another publisher:

Irma's story was splashed across America's In Touch Weekly lifestyle magazine, published by German media group Bauer, which operates in 15 countries including Britain.

Two journalists and - presumably - a sub looked at that sentence and decided it needed no further work.

To a casual observer, there might be a question 'if the story is so horrific and wrong, why bother repeating it?' But, hey, there's a news angle as... erm... it might all be some sort of conspiracy:

One theory about the allegations is that they may be an attempt to undermine England's bid to stage the 2018 World Cup. Becks is one of our leading ambassadors.

Even if that was likely - and, frankly, is isn't - given that the World Cup is one of the biggest drivers of new business to prostitutes, that shouldn't be a problem, should it?

Gordon in the morning: They're just like us

This is probably worth holding a front page for, then: parents watch child play football.

I'm sure Gordon Smart can explain exactly how photos of Brooklyn playing soccer don't contravene the rules about 'famous parents' not being a reason to publish pictures of children in UK newspapers, can't he?

Gordon in the morning: We're all in this together

It's a time of tightened budgets and headcount culls, and even the Beckhams are feeling the pinch. They're doing the sackings part, obviously:

THE Beckhams have culled their staff by a third after a horrified accountant warned: "You're pouring money down the drain."

Richard White, a lowly showbiz reporter, has the details:

Victoria called in the money expert to overhaul their finances because she feared the high-spending lifestyle was inappropriate at a time when ordinary people are tightening their belts.

Ah, that's so sweet; knowing people are finding it hard to get by she's decided to make a load of people unemployed, despite still being a multimillionaire. That's really sharing in the pain.

A friend said: "This very no-nonsense accountant gave it to Vic straight and said, 'You CAN afford to employ all of these people. But why the hell DO you?'"

So, really, this is less a story of the Beckhams feeling the pinch, and more about rich people clinging on to even more money they don't actually need.

A heartwarming tale of our times.

Gordon in the morning: Not the world cup

Why on earth does Gordon give so much coverage to a scratch team he played in having a kickabout? Complete with not just photos, but also video of the fun.

I'm using the words 'fun' in no recognisable sense, by the way.

Elsewhere, there's more football nonesense as - claiming an exclusive - Smart gives acres of space to Tom Cruise:

ODDBALL movie idol TOM CRUISE reckons his pal DAVID BECKHAM will land a starring role in the NEXT World Cup - when he will be pushing 40.

Really? Did he?

Tom, who became great mates with Becks after the midfielder signed for LA Galaxy, said: "I wish he was playing in the World Cup this year. But he will be back for the next one, you know."

So Cruise didn't roll his eyes into the back of his head and wail 'Beckham... in the squad for 2014'; he just shrugged and went 'maybe next time'. Given that Tom Cruise is probably even less interested in Girl's No Touch Kicky Ball (as the Americans call football) than I am, it's more than likely he thought the next one would be next year. Or possibly even at Christmas.

Gordon in the morning: Five years old

The Jonas Brothers inviting the Beckham kids to appear in a pop video sets Gordon Smart dreaming of the future:

And it could definitely be the start of something very profitable - not that the family need the dosh.

The God-fearing Jonas Brothers - who all famously vowed to stay off sex before marriage - are very wealthy young men. They've sold more than eight million albums since finding fame in 2005.

If the Beckham boys grow up to follow in their footsteps they could earn their own fortunes.

But they might not be so keen on vowing to remain virgins...

You know, for a moment there I could have sworn that Gordon was speculating on the future sex life of three kids, the youngest of whom is five years old. But that would be so inappropriate it would never have found its way into a family newspaper, would it?

Gordon in the morning: Kings Of Leon duller than we thought

Oh, prepare yourself for Gordon created mirth:

WHEN I heard KINGS OF LEON were struggling to get off the green, I thought they'd been at the recreational drugs again.

But the ex Tennessee caners have put back recent studio sessions because of a far more sensible addiction - golf.

Oh, yes. Golf. That's a sensible addiction. You can't over-stress how sensible golf is.

Gordon then goes on to churn out exactly what you'd expect - references to Tiger Woods, puns on swinging, "birdies", and a self-satisfied ending:

Fine wine, golf, urinating on posh fairways? The boys would have fitted in perfectly at the Bizarre Masters last summer.

Yes. That sounded dull, too, as I recall. Although given that the Bizarre golf thing was won by a mate of a indie band, perhaps their actually being famous might have made them stand out a bit.

Elsewhere, Gordon tries to find something to say about David Beckham's latest tattoo. (Yesterday, you'll recall, we met Beckham's latest tattoo, depicting a man who is permanently confused and desperately trying to make a mess look better by expanding the spread of the mess.)

DAVID BECKHAM's addiction to inkwork is getting tricky to keep track of.

So hard, in fact, that the Bizarre "tat nav" has been called into action.

Sadly, the device doesn't have sound but if it did speak, it would sound like his missus VICTORIA.

Yes, not only is there a pun, a bit of shoddy photoshop, but Gordon's even making up what the sound would be like if it had sound. I wonder what it would smell like, if it had a smell.

Gordon in the morning: The quiet time

Was it worth opening up the office yesterday, Gordon?

Becks is a scarf ace

Alright, it's quite a good headline, but man wears scarf in winter as a story?

Even more oddly, The Sun has started to use png images instead of text for the headlines on its webpages. Even if you choose to not have images loaded automatically, still they come in as image files. Perhaps this is part of the paywall lowering - if you want to discuss the headlines in the pub, in the way Gordon insists you do, you have to pay to print them out on pieces of card?

Darkness at 3AM: We answer their question

The 3AM Girls are even more puzzled than usual:

Why is it when we return from holiday, we emerge lobster red, dishevelled and two stone heavier? When Posh and Becks land, they look stylish, immaculate, tanned, honed and healthy?

Erm... because they fly first class and you don't?

Gordon in the morning: Boosting brand Beckham

Ah, the decline of the brand, as Mr and Mrs Beckham are forced to do a crossover picture of themselves in their pants in the hope that the two of them will still have some novelty value.

Gordon Smart tries to make it seem exciting:

In one shot David - wearing just his Armani pants - lies under his wife as she seductively rests her hand on his bare chest.

But even Gordon knows that the photos are sexy only if you're turned on by the idea of two dead dollies lying on top of one another.

Even the link from the front of Bizarre tries to stifle a yawn:

Couple get their kit off AGAIN

Although, oddly, it's still Gordon's main story.

Gordon in the morning: Looking through the transfer window

Hadn't they put the lid on the idea of David Beckham joining AC Milan? Apparently, Gordon says, it's all back on again now, because, erm, Victoria says so:

DAVID BECKHAM has finally got wife VICTORIA to agree his dream move to AC Milan — despite their family being settled in Los Angeles.

Posh and Becks held crunch talks in London ten days ago after he insisted he wanted to end his career with the giants.

Ten days ago? So in other words, before the LA Galaxy negotiators decided that Beckham was staying in LA unless AC Milan put up some extra cash.

Oh.

Milan are supposedly still hopeful of a deal, and David's doing his best to help things:

The England star has been taking Italian lessons for weeks

Ah, Becks always tries to pick up a bit of the local language before any move, although he never got more than a few basic terms while with his current team.

Emily Smith - who is like Gordon Smart but with small rooms overlooking the Hudson - has been trying to get to the bottom of Kate Moss and her "pregnancy". Well, I say "bottom":

Kate: Babies? Just big boobies

Apparently Emily Smith discovered Kate's breasts had grown by following the ancient art of reading a magazine. Philip Green, owner of BHS, was interviewing Moss for a title that Smith doesn't bother to even name. Perhaps her research didn't extend as far as looking at the front page. It was New York magazine - god knows how bad things have got for them if they're reduced to getting the bloke who runs TopShop to file for them. Anyway, Smith dutifully types up the interesting bit:

Kate was joined by billionaire Topshop owner SIR PHILIP GREEN for an interview with a magazine.

He said: “They are a bit bigger than they were, aren’t they?”

Smith gives no indication if she finds this in any way creepy, or unsettling, or inappropriate.

Back with Gordon, and it's time to consider Pixie Geldof's psychic powers:

PIXIE GELDOF knew her sister PEACHES’ marriage wouldn’t last.

The 18-year-old model - daughter of charity campaigner SIRBOB GELDOF - always suspected Peaches’ whirlwind wedding to musician MAX DRUMMEY was destined to fail.

Sadly, Gordon is unable to put these astonishing powers of foretelling the bleedin' obvious to the test, as, erm, he just read an interview in Closer.

Woot-ton: At least we're not past Labor Day

Shocking news from gossip undergraduate Dan Wootton this morning:

VICTORIA Beckham gives hubby David the red card

Bloody hell - has she taken so much umbrage at being dragged back to Europe she's really going to dump him, Dan?

– by snubbing football and donning cricket whites.

Oh. So - if I've got this correct - the story is "woman married to footballer wears a white outfit". And... erm, doesn't David wear all-white when he's playing in LA? So, you know, if you really felt this was worth running, you could have written a piece about how Victoria is showing her support for staying in LA by turning up in Galaxy colours, couldn't you?

Gordon in the morning: High-level talks

It's clearly true that Victoria Beckham has flown from America to Europe. It's well known that David Beckham is keen to start playing for a proper football team again. The rest of Gordon's man Richard White's report this morning is surely at best overwrought:

Posh jets in for talks on Becks’ Milan plan

VICTORIA BECKHAM jetted in from Los Angeles yesterday to be reunited with hubby DAVID to discuss his possible permanent transfer to AC Milan.

Well, yes, they'll probably talk about it. But jets in for talks? He's thinking about changing teams, not deploying troops. Visits her husband, perhaps?

Meanwhile, Gordon himself is thrilled to have the "video exclusive" of the U2 video:

BONO and the boys have chosen my website to premiere the vid for new single Get On Your Boots.

You might, of course, have also seen it elsewhere on the internet yesterday. Like on Interscope's website, for example.

Still, what Interscope don't have is a simplistic video explained in even more simplistic terms:

I had no idea what any of it means, but luckily guitarist THE EDGE was on hand to explain.

He says: "The video is based around the idea that men have fucked things up so badly, politically, economically and socially, that it's really time we handed things over to women.

"The finished video is brilliant. Alex really nailed it."

I'm not certain, but I think this might be the first video which is based on The Worm That Turned from The Two Ronnies.

But is Gordon and his team starting to get embarrassed about running "news stories" which are basically puffs for actual news stories, given to magazines by the sort of genuine celebrity who won't talk to The Sun? Today's piece on Liv Tyler, for example, merely credits the copying of chunks of text from a fashion magazine to a "staff reporter".

Dogg wants in

James P writes with news of a would-be visitor to our shores:

After being banned from travelling to Britain following the Heathrow 'incident' in 2006, Snoop Dogg has decided that he rather misses the place, and would like to be let back in. He plans to acheive this by asking his famous friends to try and persuade the appropriate people.

"He says, 'I love London and I'm desperate to come back. I've called David Beckham, Sir Paul McCartney - hell, I want to get the whole of the Beatles to help me get back in... I'd love them all to write to the Prime Minister to change his mind.'"

(As persuasive tactics go, you have to admit "Go on, let me in and I'll bring two of your best-loved musicians back from the dead" does sound tempting).

I must've missed this particular change to the Border controls; Apparently entry to the UK is now based on the same criteria used as door policy at teenage birthday parties. If the letter-writing campaign doesn't get off the ground, expect to see Snoop at Heathrow Passport Control soon, pleading "Is Sir Paul here? That's it, I'm with him! Go and get him, he'll tell you. DAVID!!! DAVID!!! Over here! Tell them, David! How about Calvin, am I down on the list as Calvin? Just check again, would you?"

If Mr Dogg's appeal fails, he plans to return later in the year with a 12-pack of Carling and two litres of Thunderbird.

You've got to admire his plan of letter writing, though. Maybe he should think about a petition of some sort - perhaps he could get Nell McAndrew and Coleen Nolan to organise that. It's just a pity that Radio City have taken over St John's Tower in Liverpool; I'm sure a recreation of the Free George Jackson campaign's greatest moment might have just swung it.

Gordon in the morning: Heavy pants

At last, something to distract Gordon from Amy Winehouse's holidays: Victoria Beckham doing a bloke's underwear shoot:

Posh in kecks

That's actually quite good, although it's a pun that only really works in Scotland; come down too far into England and kecks move from being underwear to outerwear and the pun breaks.

But can Gordon keep it up?

She peeled off to briefs and a, er, Posh-up bra for shots inspired by 1950s cinema.

Posh-up bra?

Bust what I was after ... Victoria in Armani ad

Okay, stop now.

Is there very much for Gordon to do other than try to stop getting it on the photos?

Becks, nicknamed Goldenballs, was at the shoot near their LA home.

Clearly not - "nicknamed Goldenballs"? Even if anyone had called him that since, ooh, 1973, why on earth would you mention that? And isn't "Becks" a nickname itself?

A year ago, Leona Lewis insisted she was going to concentrate on music and not muck about with fashion or perfume or autobiographies. Gordon reports this morning that she's just signed up for the perfume, with the clothing line and book already in preparation:

Well, a year is a long time in the life of a superstar.

She obviously has loads of exciting new stories to share, and a more mature sense of style and smell.

That's the most sardonic thing I think I've ever seen in Bizarre. Well, written about someone they still need to be nice to.

Elsewhere, Holly Valance's career has stalled so badly she's now at the desperately begging Hugh Hefner for a Playboy spread stage:

I would definitely consider doing Playboy if it was tasteful. I’d consider topless too if it was perhaps in black and white.

Ah. So she's begging to go in the world's most famous skin magazine and... you know, providing it was slightly arty, she might even take her shirt off. What sort of magazine does she think Playboy is?

Gordon in the morning: Advent

I'm not sure why, but I'm getting the feeling Gordon might be a bit low on stuff to share with us today. Just a feeling, mind. Can't put my finger on why.

It's the most wonderful time of the year: that countdown to Christmas where Gordon Smart does his best to spoil Christmas surprises:

Secret for Victoria, David?

DAVID BECKHAM looks like he’s trying to Spice up his sex life — by buying undies for wife VICTORIA.

Becks, 33, and son Romeo, six, were seen holding bags from lingerie store Victoria’s Secrets in New York — also with Brooklyn, nine, and Cruz, three.

Not much of a secret now, is it?

Noel Gallagher has brought some of his trademark wit to respond to Status Quo's suggestion that Oasis are quite dull on stage and, since Smart seems to have confused Gallagher and Murdoch and lets him treat the Bizarre column as his personal fiefdom, he runs Noel's response in full:

“Normally I wouldn’t give a rat’s arsehole what Status Quo have got to say about anything.

“But tell those ****s from me that when I go on stage at Wembley next summer, I won’t be wondering about what the poster boys for Help The Aged think.”

Ha-ha. They're old, you see. There's nothing like 'you're older than me' as an amusing comeback from a rock star in his 40s.

You know what would be great, though? If there was some way we could conflate Noel's stance with everyday Bizarre stuff... a crossover... if only there was some way...

Gordon in the morning: Locked lips

It doesn't really matter who it's about, all you need to know is a grown man wrote this in a newspaper this morning:

The pair couldn’t keep their hands off each other and locked lips in full view of fellow frolickers in the bar.

Meanwhile, Gordon laps up Victoria Beckham's trip to Manchester:

They supped £8,000 of vintage bubbly Perrier Jouet Belle Epoque Blanc de Blancs at posh Japanese venue Ithaca in the city.

With dinner included, the final bill was an eye-watering £10,000.

I bet hubby DAVID was relieved to know her perfume producers Coty were footing the bill.

Let's just leave aside that if Beckham needed to raise ten grand, he'd probably need to, ooh, play thirteen seconds of football or do one twenty-millionth of a photoshoot, and just allow our jaws to drop at Smart's 1950s attitude. Mrs. Beckham is out promoting what we shall - this once - call with a straight face "her business"; Gordon assumes that the hubby will be underwriting it all. Let's just hope Victoria was back home in time to cook David's tea, eh, Gordon?

... or they could get Shed Seven to play Going For Gold

That noise? That's the sound of sixty million hearts sinking as the London Olympics organising committee gets into the swing of making the nation feel embarrassed on a global scale.

The contribution we're making to the closing ceremony is Beijing is awful enough: a 1970s rock act playing while David Beckham kicks soccer balls off the back of a routemaster bus. It's like the entire inspiration for the show came by popping into a tourist gift shop off Leicester Square and scribbling notes - I wouldn't be surprised if there's a surprise element where a poorly-made beefeater wanders on, and removes his hat to show he's stuffed full of slightly stale shortbread.

Then, straight after the closing ceremony, there's this kick-start event from outside Buckingham Palace (it seems there's been a law made where all slightly shabby national celebrations have to be sited so as to annoy the Duke Of Edinburgh to the greatest effect) with Heather Small and il Divo churning through a couple of songs. Straight after. You'll move from having seen the power of a ruthless dictatorship burning through a nation's entire health budget for the next three years in the name of entertainment to Il Divo doing one of their tunes.

Still, we've got four years to prepare for the opening ceremony, right? Gordon Brown has got a few ideas:

The PM believes a line-up of rock legends such as Elton John, Paul McCartney and the Rolling Stones will provide a glittering celebration of Britain's talent.

A Downing Street source said: "Gordon Brown is determined to put on the biggest and best rock show the world has ever witnessed."

Of course, Gordon Brown has about as much chance of influencing the 2012 games as he does of getting to dress up as Quatchi, the yeti-esque mascot of the 2010 Winter Olympics. Actually, probably slightly less chance, as he's going to have the time free for the Vancouver Games. But even so - the Stones, Macca and Elton? Is the idea really to suggest that we've not actually created any talent since the three day week? Or is Gordon merely trying to suggest talent whose combined ages in four years time will total to 2012?