No more Plant stalk

Robert Plant got a restraining order a couple of weeks back, to stop a woman from coming within 100 yards of him. Now, he's gone back to court and had that upped to 300 yards.

I'm sure it's reassuring to Plant to have this distance, but 300 yards still doesn't seem like very much - it's less than a fifth of a mile which, with the wind in the right direction, would be enough for Plant to hear someone shouting "look over here, Robert".

The distance seems to be arbitrary and short - it's roughly the distance between Covent Garden and Leicester Square. Is there a set of rules for working out how far the safe distance should be set at?

Justin Timberlake wants to go epic

Timberlake wants to keep going, it turns out:

Timberlake, who recently revealed the eight-minute long single 'Mirrors', told Capital FM that his attitude towards long songs is similar to that of some of the biggest bands in the world. "When we were making the record I said, 'If Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin can do 10-minute songs and Queen can do 10-minute songs then why can't we?' We'll figure out the radio edits later."

Without wanting to hurry Justin to a conclusion - that would be the job of the producer who let him down - isn't the difference that Floyd and Zep were making album tracks for an audience that would be quite happy to sit and listen for just as long as it took for the track to finish, or until they needed to eat all the cookies; whereas Justin is making songs for an audience and an era who view a runtime of anything over four minutes as "this track will last for most of the rest of your life".

Sort out the radio edits later? Justin, your role is to deliver the radio edit, and hope it can be edited down to soundtrack a perfume advert later.

Gordon in the morning: Raking over the cold Coles

Gordon calls in Virginia Wheeler to help him with this morning's big story - a world exclusive, no less: Cheryl Cole is divorcing Ashley.

Yes, a world exclusive. I'll bet the New York Times and Liberation are kicking themselves they've missed out on this one.

Cheryl is portrayed throughout like someone The Sun desperately needs to keep sweet ("like some sort of saint"):

GENEROUS CHERYL COLE is not asking for one penny from cheating husband ASHLEY in the divorce action she launched yesterday.

Multi-millionaire with several lucrative jobs not needing support from other multi-millionaire, then.

But it's not just that she's not seeking money from the divorce. Oh no, Saint Cheryl is also timing the divorce so as not to ruin the World Cup:

And she has told lawyers to rush through a quickie divorce because she is determined the key England defender must go into the World Cup without being distracted by "emotional turmoil". An insider told The Sun last night:

"Cheryl made a swift decision to put England's World Cup dreams ahead of herself. The divorce should be finalised before England's first touch of the ball in South Africa on June 12."

A cynic might wonder if the timing is more about maximising the publicity impact of the divorce by timing it when it becomes a World Cup story. This is the marriage break-up equivalent of those Edam flavour crisps - there's not any real reason for them; they don't really have any connection to the World Cup; they smell a little odd and taste even ranker.

If Cole really was putting the World Cup ahead of her emotional wellbeing, wouldn't the timing of the divorce have been at a totally different time, rather than slap-bang in the days before kick-off?

The marriage always had the air of a business deal; the ending of it as The Official England Team Divorce (TM) doesn't really do anything to dispel that notion.

In other Gordon-flavoured news, the gap at the top of the Glastonbury bill is worrying him:

Zeppelin guitarist JIMMY PAGE immediately put his band in the frame to replace the Irish rockers. He said: "I refuse to rule anything out."

That's not really putting yourself in the frame, is it?

The band haven't played together since 2007; they haven't been preparing for this. Parachuting into a headline slot in a month's time sounds a bit of a stretch. And that would be if Robert Plant was interested. Which he isn't.

Mind you, things could be worst:

Eavis is also talking to CHRIS MARTIN about COLDPLAY filling U2's boots, and I reckon they will accept. They are big fans of Glasto.

Well, yes, they'd be worthy replacements, allowing most people to switch the TV off and yell "that sodbag" at exactly the point they would have done if Bono had come on.

As I revealed earlier this week, DIZZEE RASCAL, already on this year's Pyramid Stage bill, has been asked to prepare for the job too.

Really? No disrespect to Mr Rascal, but that's really like parachuting John Craven in to present Newsnight, isn't it?

Plant Pine, Queen told

Amongst those getting the chance to mumble "of course, it would be rude to turn down such an honour" in this year's prizes from the Queen for doing a job you're already well-paid for: Robert Plant, John Martyn and Courtney Pine.

Martyn scores an OBE, Plant and Pine get CBEs. Nobody is quite clear why there'd be a difference, but clearly there is, as there's nothing in any way random about the way these things are decided.

The idea has gone down like an iron airship

Sun readers will have spent their weekend in a state of heightened excitement, what with Captain Gordon's pages announcing exclusively back on Friday that Robert Plant had signed up for a Led Zep reunion. The only worry, of course, is if their bank would still be solvent by the time the tickets went on sale.

Oddly, though, Gordon's writer Jess Rogers and his unnamed source turned out to be slightly wide of the mark - let's put it down to confusion, shall we? - as Robert Plant has made it clear there's no reunion:

"It's both frustrating and ridiculous for this story to continue to rear its head when all the musicians that surround the story are keen to get on with their individual projects and move forward," Plant said.

"I wish Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones and Jason Bonham nothing but success with any future projects."

We expect Gordon to run some sort of catch-up for those of his readers who still believe the "ridiculous" exclusive he ran last week.

Gordon in the morning: The disappearing story

Interestingly, although it's on Gordon's pages, the byline for the claims that Plant has agreed to a Led Zeppelin reunion is given to Jess Rogers - who is basing it nothing more than (insert Al Gore sigh here) an unnamed source, who isn't even pinned down as being a friend of anyone.

Now, of course, you'll be wondering who this Lead Zupplin is. Happily, there's an explanation tucked into the piece:

Led Zep, who have sold more than 300million albums worldwide, formed in 1968 and split up in 1980 when drummer John Bonham — father of Jason — died aged 32.

Rolling Stone magazine dubbed them the biggest band of the ’70s.

If you have to explain who they are - and can think of nothing more than a slightly pompous US magazine garlanded them with fame thirty years ago - is the story really all that relevant to your readers?
Of course, the real curiosity this morning is the vanishing tale. The picture of the paper spread shows Gordon confidently leading on a story about Blake Fielder-Civil and Amy Winehouse; but the front of Bizarre online doesn't mention the story at all - instead running with an advertorial about David Beckham's 2009 calendar. The Winehouse story can still be found by searching the Sun site. Is it simply someone's screwed up by forgetting to link to it - or is there a sudden wobble in the certainty of Gordon's claims that Fielder-Civil is about to released, living with an ankle tag in his Mum's house in Lincolnshire while taking a five hundred quid round trip to spend days in Camden?

Gordon in the morning: Rock sensation

It's not an exclusive - oh, no: it's a Rock Sensation, as Gordon breathlessly reports a story that I'm betting has very little basis to it at all:

LED ZEPPELIN frontman ROBERT PLANT is to be given an ultimatum by his bandmates – join us on tour or we’ll replace you.

Zep guitarist JIMMY PAGE, bassist JOHN PAUL JONES and drummer JASON BONHAM have been busy recently rehearsing in West London’s Ritz Studio and using stand-in vocalists.

And one American singer has been so impressive the other band members are confident they could hit the road next year WITHOUT their iconic frontman.

Did Gordon read that back before publishing it, do you think? The idea that a band could tour without the iconic frontman and somehow it would be worth doing?

Smart spends some time blustering through the idea that Page and not-actually-the-drummer-but-his-son are hurling ultimatums at Plant, before suddenly conceding that:

If he does not take part it remains unclear whether the group will be allowed to use the name Led Zeppelin.

So, they're threatening Plant that if he doesn't join a Led Zep reunion, they'll, erm, do something else.

Live Music Awards: Prepare to be surprised; shocked, even

By one of those absolutely amazing coincidences that you could almost imagine proves an unseen hand shapes everything that happens in the universe, Primal Scream were the biggest winners at the Vodafone Live Music Awards last night - the very same event they'd been booked to provide a three-song closing performance for. The Primals picked up Best Live Act - yes, really - and outstanding contribution.

The Ting Tings - who entertained the crowd - won the breakthrough award; and even Emma Bunton admitted she was surprised the Spice Girls had beaten Led Zep to the comeback prize - how fortunate none of the Zep were there to see her pick up the award; that could have been awkward.

As seems to be the case with most of the b-list awards ceremonies, nobody has bothered to update the official website with a full list of winners - indeed, the site this morning claims they're still going to announce the bands who will be playing last night "soon", which suggests even the organisers don't really take it seriously. If I were Vodafone, I'd be wondering if it was worth sponsoring an event that can't even be arsed to update the site properly.

Led to the wrong conclusion

Goodness - Is this the comeback to end all comebacks?:

Led Zeppelin Confirmed Working on New Materials

Erm, no, as it's already marked down in the standfirst:

Led Zeppelin's drummer Jason Bonham revealed that they, minus vocalist Robert Plant, are back in the studio for the first time in more than 20 years.

And, strictly speaking, Jason Bonham isn't "Led Zeppelin's drummer", he's the son of Led Zeppelin's drummer.

Still, if you'd count Macca, Ringo and Julian Lennon as a Beatles reunion, it counts.

"I've been working with Jimmy and John Paul and trying to do some new material and some writing," Jason said. "I don't know what it will be, but it will be something."

The guess is, Jason, if it's anything, it's most likely to be a slightly disappointing tarnishing of reputation.

Plant matters

What was Robert Plant's response when asked about the possibility of a Led Zeppelin reunion tour?

"Zzzzzzzzzzz.

He might perk up if you start talking about the money, though.

Stretching the definition of "supergroup"

Meet Chickenfoot, a sort-of-supergroup:

Sammy Hagar recently started a new "supergroup" with ex-VAN HALEN bassist Michael Anthony, guitar virtuoso Joe Satriani and RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS drummer Chad Smith. The band, tentatively called CHICKENFOOT, will enter the studio to begin recording its debut album this summer.

It's not so much supergroup as doing something interesting with leftovers, is it?

Still, Hagar is not without ambition for his bunch of pirate-types:

"We've written eight, nine songs...When people hear the music, it's LED ZEPPELIN. It's as good as that. I know that's a mighty bold statement...We could rival ZEP."

Well, yes, you could, potentially. Or Tin Machine. Maybe you should start by trying to best Tin Machine.

Whitesnake deny Led Zep claims

David Coverdale is furiously denying he ever said anything about Whitesnake supporting Led Zeppelin and, you know, that the band are far too busy to have even considered joining such a tour:

"What fucking world tour, we ask ourselves? We're already out on our Good To Be Bad world tour, thank you very much," he wrote.

"I have no idea where this started, Geoffers. But, with the wildfire of the internet, my poor ol' German publicist is fighting them off with her rusty, but trusty, Luger.

"I assure you there is no… (of course there fucking isn't) …any foundation in this.”

The whole world, David, knew that it wasn't true. The question, of course, is who said it was in the first place.

Led Zep to tour, announces, erm, Whitesnake

The inching towards the possibility of a full-blown Led Zeppelin tour continues, with an announcement from David Coverdale that it's going to happen. Or, at least, that he thinks it's going to happen. And how does he know? He's fully expecting to be on the bill:

"I'm expecting a call from Jimmy any day asking my band Whitesnake to support them on their world tour. Am I on board? You bet. Probably worth billions,” he said.

"Unlike rolling out the wheelchairs with the umpteenth Rolling Stones world tour, a Led Zeppelin tour will be incredible."

Perhaps. But if it's going to be that incredible, wouldn't having Whitesnake as an opener be a bit underwhelming?

Sadly, they didn't call the rollercoaster the Love Is Like A Rollercoaster rollercoaster

How do you test a theme park? Presumably by inviting in some people for go on the rides who it wouldn't be too upsetting if they discovered missing safety rails or loose bolts.

Somehow, they've managed to find some people to do this testing for the ill-conceived Hard Rock Theme Park. They're calling it a Sound Check, because it's a phrase that has something to do with music but doesn't really make sense being applied to tests on rollercoasters, in much the same way that the theme of the park has something to do with music but not in any way that makes sense.

The park is happy with how it went, but not going into too much detail:

Park officials would not say exactly how many people came, citing competitive reasons.

Competitive reasons? What, is there a giant swing-boat with Black Sabbath logos painted on the side down the street, ready to compete with the Led Zeppelin rollercoaster?

Swinging the Led

Has, as the headline on NME.com suggests, John Paul Jones really hinted a possible new Led Zeppelin album?

Let's see:

Asked specifically about the possibility of a new album, he said, "I'm not sure. I'm not too certain about anything right at the moment. I've got no idea what's going to happen. But I'd certainly like to play with Jimmy [Page] again."

This doesn't make the headline false:

Led Zeppelin may release new album

But it's not entirely accurate - on a par with 'leopards may one day learn to talk', isn't it?

What could be worse than a full Led Zep reunion tour?

How about a Led Zep reunion tour with Velvet Revolver as the opening act?

That's what the Revolver's bassist, Duff McKagan, reckons is going to happen:

"I understand that we have it, although I imagine there will be plenty of bands prepared to kick and punch us out of the way for the privilege."

To be honest, I'd imagine there's a large number of people who'd be happy to kick and punch Velvet Revolver just because.

Indeed, if they have just lost the slot of their careers because their bassist told 6Music about what are presumably meant to be confidential negotiations over a secret tour plan, they could try opening up a 'kick Velvet Revolver' stand on a travelling fair to make up the money.

Sting: heals the world, reunites the warring

The Led Zeppelin reunion. You might have thought it was down to the death of the band's mentor Ahmet Ertegun. But, no - it turns out that the desire to pay tribute to a key figure in their career was merely an excuse. Really, they just wanted to copy The Police, reveals Sting:

"I'd like to think we had some influence over that... I would have loved to have been there."

We've checked the historical record, and it's true - no group ever got back together before The Police did so.

The great Led down?

The NME was quite excited yesterday to have the exclusive first news of headliners for Bonnaroo festival. Pearl Jam and Metallica, they insisted:

The much-rumoured performance by Led Zeppelin is not set to take place. However, frontman Robert Plant is slated to perform with Alison Krauss, as is Lez Zeppelin, the all-female Led Zeppelin tribute band.

That's pretty definitive.

Unfortunately, it seems the organisers sort-of-forgot to mention something to the NME, as the Associated Press have announced:

The reunited Led Zeppelin will headline the 2008 Bonnaroo Arts and Music Festival, concert organizers announced Wednesday.

Led Zeppelin, who reconvened for a single December concert in London, had for months been rumored to be heading to Bonnaroo, which will be held Jun 13-15 on a 700-acre farm in Manchester, Tenn.

Which makes sense - what sort of party is headlined by Pearl Jam?

But should the Zep do it? It does have the effect of sucking the specialness of that supposed one-off "for Ahmet" reunion straight and - with the inevitable tour to follow - leaves them looking just as careless of their legacy as the Sex Pistols. Who, by the way, are booked to headline the Serbian Exit festival this summer. If they can find someone to cover at the estate agents.

[UPDATE: Or has the NME had it right all along? There's some suggestion that the web reports of a Led Zep headline are based on someone in an agency misreading the billing for Lez Zeppelin... certainly, the official site doesn't have any mention of the Zep on the front page.

Indeed, it turns out that when asked at the launch, the organisers denied it:

Ashley Capps, president of Bonnaroo co-organizer A.C. Entertainment denied that the band would make a surprise appearance.

"Believe me, if Zeppelin was going to be there we would be shouting it from the rooftops," he said, adding that no one would be more surprised than him and his team if the band did perform.

]

Goldsmith fails

Harvey Goldsmith's attempts to block a secondary market in Led Zep reunion tickets seems to have failed somewhat; although there's no indication of how many they flogged, Seatwave claims they pocketed an average of £7,425 for second-hand Led Zeppelin passes.

... but can we at least pretend we're surprised when it happens?

The seemingly inevitable Led Zep tour is starting to take on an unstoppable inevitability, with the Millennium Stadium coyly trying to catch Harvey Goldsmith's eye:

"Initially Harvey said they were only going to do a one-off gig, but now they are considering a tour," [Roger] Lewis explained.

"We [the Millennium Stadium] are the only stadium in Britain with a retractable roof and we can guarantee a perfect event for 70,000 people. There's nowhere else in the country that can do that."

That does, of course, assume that your sole definition of a "perfect event" is one where you don't get rained on. And not, say, "not being crammed in with 69,999 other people having to watch pinpricks in the distance" as your key criterion.