Avoid the Hard Rock chain

Obviously, nobody goes near the Hard Rock places unless they absolutely have to, but there's even better reason to steer clear. The Hard Rock Hotel in Orlando is apparently catching cats on its property and having them slaughtered. You might want to consider taking your business elsewhere.

Jet become unwitting Placebo tribute act

After Brian Molko's collapse on stage the other night, Nic Cester has followed suit:

Aussie Rocker Nic Cester from JET collapsed tonight on stage at Q The Music Club Live At Hard Rock Café as part of the worldwide promotional tour for the band's upcoming CD, SHAKA ROCK.

The singer had been unwell all day but insisted on coming to the gig and not letting fans down. JET took to the stage at 8pm GMT and performed "Rip It Up" and She's A Genius" before Nic passed out.

Nic got up on his feet and jokingly told the audience he had Swine Flu before collapsing for a second time.

Nic was walked off stage by the band's tour management leaving Cam, Chris and Mark to soldier on to perform 3 more songs - "Holiday," "Beat On Repeat" And "Get What You Need."

Nic was rushed to University College Hospital in Euston, London, UK in an ambulance and is being treated for symptoms of gastroenteritis, acute vomiting and dehydration. The singer will be held overnight for monitoring.

I'm not sure playing an overprice tourist cafe is quite the gig it's worth putting your health at risk for, but I suppose you have to admire his commitment to ensuring the show must go on. Even if you'd perhaps rather it hadn't.

The Hard Rock make hard work

In the real world, if you had a desire to see Ronnie Wood's shin pads or Rod Stewart's hatbox, you have to go to a Hard Rock Cafe, and go through the pain of eating one of their overpriced burgers.

They've now launched an online "museum", but that, too, has a price: You have to install Microsoft's Silverlight to be able to see Elton John's crockpot or Jim Morrison's fatal washcloth. I'm not sure that it's worth it.

Sadly, they didn't call the rollercoaster the Love Is Like A Rollercoaster rollercoaster

How do you test a theme park? Presumably by inviting in some people for go on the rides who it wouldn't be too upsetting if they discovered missing safety rails or loose bolts.

Somehow, they've managed to find some people to do this testing for the ill-conceived Hard Rock Theme Park. They're calling it a Sound Check, because it's a phrase that has something to do with music but doesn't really make sense being applied to tests on rollercoasters, in much the same way that the theme of the park has something to do with music but not in any way that makes sense.

The park is happy with how it went, but not going into too much detail:

Park officials would not say exactly how many people came, citing competitive reasons.

Competitive reasons? What, is there a giant swing-boat with Black Sabbath logos painted on the side down the street, ready to compete with the Led Zeppelin rollercoaster?

Venuewatch: The Viper Room to roll out

There's two cheers for the purchase of LA's The Viper Room to Harry Morton.

The Sunset Strip venue is much more than "hey, dude, I did a speedball - I'm gonna die", at least as far as the local music scene is concerned. And Morton respects what it is:

"I want to make it real clear that I have no intentions of remaking the brand. If it ain't broke, don't fix it," says Harry Morton. "I plan on maintaining the integrity of the brand while elevating the focus of the music and live entertainment."

What could possibly go wrong?

"I'm looking forward to expanding the brand worldwide, while sticking by the core beliefs I maintain at all my companies: staying true to brand, integrity and identity."

Oh, that. Morton intends to turn the Viper Room into a chain, simultaneously showing he understands what's important and valuable about the place while not realising the vital importance of place. This reminds us of the ill-starred plans to spin out the Marquee brand as an (inevitably) marquee brand a few years back.

Morton's father founded the Hard Rock Cafe chain - so, at least we can conclude that taking something visceral and turning it into a safe commodity is a genetic predisposition.

Black Eyed Peas told to shut up - by the law

The Black Eyed Peas - who seem to exist these days purely when called upon to do a corporate - were made to cut short a gig launching a Hard Rock Hotel in San Diego:

Apparently, locals were complaining about the loud music, some from as far as two miles away.

Which is hardly "local", is it?

We'd imagine that people trying to get some kip in the hotel might have been less than thrilled, too.

Ride the Hendrix dipper

Proving that there's no brand extension too tacky for some franchises, the Hard Rock cafe people are going to add to their overpriced burger bars, casinos, hotels and lucrative "selling unflattering t-shirts to timid tourists" business by opening a theme park in South Carolina.

This, apparently, is to be the largest tourist initiative ever in South Carolina - which is a little bit like "the most welcoming pub in the Gorbals" in the 1980s, to be honest.

As you can see, to celebrate the groundbreaking on the project, they built a massive sand sculpture called Mount Rockmore (but of course) - we're not quite sure, but we think the featured figures are Rufus Hound, Billie Jean King, Estelle Getty and Bill Webster.

(Actually, the press release reckons they're "Elvis Presley, John Lennon, Bob Marley and Jimi Hendrix" - Bob Marley?)

So, what can visitors expect?

With more than five years in creation and design, the innovative Hard Rock Park will feature six unique “rock environs” celebrating rock’s culture, lifestyle, legends and irreverence. Appealing to the family audience, the destination theme park will offer a diverse blend of rides, shows and interactive elements creating a totally immersive full day experience.

The rock lifestyle and irreverence, eh? So there's going to be a drug ride (the ultimate trip), a dubious under-age sex zone, and a Swearatholon machine where you can try and outrage public decency by saying "cock" on an authentic recreation of a... oh, hang about, it's going to be some rollercoasters with paintings of Dolly Parton on the cars, isn't it?