Gordon in the morning: Ripped from the headlines

For reasons I can't quite work out, Gordon Smart reproduces Craig David's keep-fit tips at great length this morning.

At first it seems like he's just chortling:

CRAIG David has tweeted this ripped snap of himself to encourage fans to stick to their goals.

He accompanied it with a lengthy sermon on how the old image – capturing Craig at his physical peak – inspires him to stay focused on his fitness objectives.

The British singer – who recently returned to his Miami home following a world tour – revealed he’s got the pic saved on his phone in a folder called Stay Focused.

Every time he feels tempted to stray from his strict diet and exercise regime, he looks at the photo to put himself back on track.

And he advised his Twitter followers to do the same, whatever their ambitions.

But if this is intended to be snarky - and frankly, how could it not be? - Smart then goes on to reproduce David's waffle at such great length it's almost like he's endorsing it.

Here's a taste:

“I just go to this photo on my phone...under the folder ‘Stay Focused’ which reminds me instantly to get back on track and in this case reminds me how good it feels when I achieve my goal and don't listen to my ‘old inner weakness’ voice trying to remind me of how I used to be! Trust me it works!!!

Just to be clear: the goal he's working towards is fitness, even if it does sound like he's using a photo of himself where perhaps an earlier generation might have reached for a copy of Razzle.

Here's a quick look at that photo of the Prime Of Mr Craig David, to see if it makes the rest of us inspired:

Is that really much of a tribute?

How great will the sort-of official Michael Jackson tribute concert in Cardiff be, exactly?

They've pulled in Craig David for it:

The R&B singer said he was "honoured" to be booked for the gig, which is scheduled to take place at Cardiff's Millennium Stadium on October 8.

Writing on his official Facebook page, David said:

I am honoured to announce I will be performing alongside some of the world's greatest artists at the Michael Jackson tribute concert.

That suggests either they've worked a long way down the list of dream bookings, or else one of the ice cream concessions has got its staffing sorted.

The tribute gig in Cardiff will celebrate Michael Jackson's strong links with South Wales, remembering his three-year stint doing the HTV weather forecast and that one time he heard an off-colour joke about Shirley Bassey.

Gordon in the morning: ... and those who can't, teach

JLS have been spending time with Craig David. (It's not clear why, perhaps he's working as their driver or something.)

CRAIG DAVID has found time in his busy diary to give JLS a masterclass in bedding women.

The Proper Bo singer plied the lads with booze after inviting them round to his bachelor pad in Miami for a chat about pulling girls.

Because, of course, nothing says "active sex life" like having JLS round to drink shandy.

ORITSE said: "We went out for dinner with him. Then we went to his flat to drink a few tequilas.

"There are a lot of pictures of girls on his walls - all over the house. We talked about women loads. He said, 'Just stick with me. I'll take you to all the good places where there are loads of girls.' "

The detail of Craig David living in some sort of flat with pictures cut out of Zoo or Nuts stuck on the wall feels somehow accurate.

What Craig David doesn't know about music...

Bad news for Craig David - that guy who used to pop up everywhere a few years back making him look a fool is back.

No, no, not the Bo'Selecta guy - he could never make David look as much of a ratchet-handle as David does himself.

If you have a desire to preserve any respect for Craig David, look away now:

He said: "[I] didn't actually know that Motown was a label ... I thought it was an era or genre, like New Jack Swing or something - I didn't know that if you weren't on Motown records, it wasn't Motown."

David then looked puzzled after reading the claim "if it doesn't say Kelloggs on the box, it isn't Kelloggs in the box" on the side of his Rice Krispies. "Isn't Kelloggs a type of food?"

Now, not knowing Motown was a record label and thinking it was an "era" would matter less if he hadn't just released a "Motown" collection.

"But then that didn't matter, because I wasn't conceptualising the album at all, it was purely songs that I liked and had inspired me, and songs that when I sang them, were a challenge too."

Bless him, he wasn't conceptualising the album. Isn't he cute?

"I wanted to make an album of me re-recording famous songs," he said. "There was no strong concept, but it ended up falling into a Motown thing, which really stemmed from Michael Jackson dying last year.

That was a terrible night for Craig, until someone explained to him that Michael Jackson was a specific person, and not "everyone in America".

"I'd got my tickets, and really wanted to see his show, so when he died I listened to his records a lot like a lot of people. I then looked at other music that had inspired me, from my childhood and later in my life, started singing them and realised that a lot of the records were Motown songs."

How could you realise that if you didn't know what Motown songs were, Mr Craig?

[tip of the hat to Andrew Collins]

University Of The Solent praises Craig David

I don't know if his acceptance speech included any mention at all of how he felt about Bo Selecta - although since he seems incapable of getting through a sentence with whining about it, chances are he did: Craig David has been given an honorary degree by Solent University.

I checked, it was definitely Southampton's famous Solent University, and not Soylent University. They've made David a Doctor Of Music, which does mean, officially, that he should always be referred to as Doc-Doc-Doc-Doc-Doctor Beat.

Craig David loves his comedy version

Back in last November, Craig David attempted a relaunch of his career by moaning on about how Avid Merrion's caricature ruined everything.

Now, he's attempting another relaunch, this time by pretending that he didn't mind it all:

"I'm not angry about Bo' Selecta! I was flattered at first and even appeared on his show, but he just went on to become more vicious, knocking down everything I did. People would come up to me on the street and say, 'Craiig Daavid' in that northern accent, but I didn't mind - it was like they had a form of Tourette syndrome. But it was the only thing I was becoming associated with. Even if people liked my records, I felt they might not buy them because I wasn't cool. People expected me to be sad, but I'm not at all. It didn't hurt me, but it hurt the brand."

Yes, he did just describe himself as a brand - let's not be too quick to judge him for that. Even Dosmestos is, at the heart of it, a brand. Even Happy Shopper.

But you can hear the teeth firmly gritted as he attempts to try and lessen the impression he gave last time of a slightly obsessed bad loser by suggesting he took it on the chin - the big, rubbery chin.

Trouble is, whether he really hated Bo Selecta, or just doesn't want people to think he did anymore, he's still giving interviews in 2008 about a parody someone stopped doing four years ago. When people's first thought of you is 'oh, they used to rip the piss out of him back in the past', you might wonder if there's much point in trying to relaunch all over again.

Presumably, this is how Jo Grimmond felt when Mike Yarwood used to take the rise.

Malcolm sends his Mum wishes

If we didn't know better, we'd guess that Malcolm Middleton is using his Guardian Music blog to wish his mother happy Mothering Sunday wishes because he forgot to get a card in the post.

Still...

I stand firm though, and at least I can look my own Mum in the eyes, unlike James Blunt or Craig David, I imagine. Happy Mother's Day Mum! Enjoy the carrot cake!

He's got a point, hasn't he?

Craig David hates the Brits

Apparently the Brits aren't that good. It's not just us saying that, but an expert. Craig David, no less:

The star, who was nominated for six gongs in 2001 [...] said he had now "lost interest" in the event, which is being held on Wednesday.

"It's great for artists who pick up awards, but in terms of representing what's really going on, I think they've missed the eight-ball," he said.

Of course, part - all the reason - for Craig believing this is that when he was nominated for all those awards, he didn't win one of them.

This, Craig has decided (apparently after thinking about it for seven years), proves what a farrago the whole affair is:

"The year that I was nominated for six, I couldn't have sold any more records or had any more number ones," David, 26, told the BBC News website.

"To still not pick up one proved to me that however the voting system is and whatever the excuses were made, it just didn't really represent what was going on."

Although, if anything, the decision to ignore David actually is one of the rare occasions of the Brits awards getting it right - normally, a briefly successful but not especially talented artist is lauded even as the dumper door is giving way beneath them. The weakness of Brits judging is the years The Darkess and Scissor Sisters go home with an armful, not the time Craig went home empty-handed.

After all, history has proved that in terms of knowing what was going on, Craig was as much in the dark as the Brits.

Craig David's big moment ruined

Poor Craig David. There he was, all set to press the button to start the balls coming out of the Lotto machine - and just as he was saying "Good Luck" Alan Deddicoat spoke over him, as the balls had started to come out without the need for David's involvement.

While this raises a bit of a question over the probity of the draw - who's setting the thing off it it happens without the hapless z-lister pushing the button? - it's more indicative of Craig David's role in the scheme of things: he's not even needed as a player in his own life.

Avid Merrion character grumbles

It's easy to forget that Craig David isn't just a comedy character created by Bo Selecta; he's also a comedy character in his own right. The Times goes to see him today:

“I eat chocolate, I am very excessive. I am crazy for clean sneakers. I try to keep everything clean.” Indeed, there’s not a thumbprint or a speck of dust. “I have a tendency to buy large quantities of chocolate so I can watch everyone else eating it. I was fat as a kid because I just kept eating. Then music replaced the eating. Now, if I eat a whole bowl of Eclairs I know I have to burn it off.”

This is part of a relaunch of David - unfortunately hanging on that bloody awful reworking of Bowie's Lets Dance which only reminds you of Samantha Mumba's Ashes To Ashes pastiche. David is trying to bury the image of the "Craig David" character on the comedy show.

Unfortunately, he can't keep from going on about it:

“During that period I was thinking, ‘I’m a caricature of myself. I’ve got my beard shaved in a certain way and putting on my beanie cap. Should I change because of it?’ ”

He didn’t want to look like he was bothered so he stayed the same, not really knowing where or how to go as he now felt he was no longer an artist but a caricature. “I thought, ‘We’ll ride it. But now you are putting me in a position where I don’t know where else to go.’ Inside it was absolutely pissing me off and hurtful beyond belief. There were times when I thought I just want to knock this guy out. And then I met him and did his show.” He had been advised that that would look cool. He knew that it wasn’t right.

“After the show I said, ‘You’re an idiot.’ No one really heard me because it was just me and him in the hallway. ‘All the laughs are on me so don’t stand there telling me I’m sorry and continuing to do your thing.’ He was all sheepish. I did the show to look PC. I didn’t want people to think, ‘Craig’s reacting to it,’ because then they would think, ‘How can we get up Craig’s nose even more?’ So I did it, but I wasn’t happy about it.”

We know that Craig seems to have confused "looking politically correct" with "showing I can laugh at myself", but let's let that slide. The tragedy here, of course, is that David seems to have fixated on Merrion making him a laughing stock, when - of course - he did that all by himself. Perhaps David ought to just ignore it.

But then, if he didn't have a "real-life version of that bloke in the big rubber face" angle upon which interviews with him can be hung, who would even bother to turn up to talk to him?

Craig David all over the place

We're certain that this, from 3AM, only needs a few more words to actually make some sense:

You'd think a nice boy like Craig David would know better.

The R'n'B ladies' man delivered a crude best man's speech, which had record executives blushing.

Shocked Virgin Radio DJ Christian O'Connell revealed: "He said, 'Isn't it amazing when the girl you fall in love with also gives good ****'."

Of course, it's hard to make a story about Christian O'Connell pretending to be shocked by something Craig David said interesting, but shouldn't the story at least explain where this happened - did Craig David run into Sony's headquarters?

And have 3AM really asterisked out "head"?

Craig David finds a new meaning for "pimping MySpace"

We're a little surprised that the News of the World would run a story this morning which claims that Craig David uses his MySpace profile as a way to meet girls - after all, it's hardly going to promote a sister company to suggest that if you join them, there's a risk that Craig David might pop round with a bottle of Blue Nun and a packet of pickled-onion flavoured condoms, is it?

Model Karina Holmes revealed how she was taken in by the highly-sexed R&B warbler. And now she is Walking Away....

She said: "I thought he was too good to be true. How right I was."

She was devastated when she discovered he was seeing a host of MySpace girls.

Karina added: "He would be trawling MySpace while I was in bed with him! He said he was just checking on his profile. It's obvious to me now that he was looking to pick up other girls."

Inevitably, we're going to hear what David is like in the bedroom - allegedly, of course:

But she made him wait two weeks before giving in. She said: "It was amazing when we finally did it. Craig slipped off my jeans, then pulled my top over my head and stared longingly at my body like it was a precious ornament."

Then they made love for hours.

"I whispered to him that he was a steam engine in bed," said Karina. But his motor-mouth really got on her nerves.

Like a steam engine? Constantly demanding that his coal hole gets filled, making a hell of a lot of noise, and letting off massive piles of waste gasses? Or merely in the sense that he attracts a lot of men in anoraks who write his number down in their small books?

And was Craig really "staring longingly" at her body "like it was a precious ornament", or it had been so long since he'd seen a naked woman he couldn't remember what he was supposed to do?

Macca "might need second job soon"

The Sunday Times has done one of its regular rich lists where - through a mixture of inspired guesswork and watching what various people buy a Waitrose - they calculate what the great, the good, and the famous are worth. This time round, the focus of the pre-publicity is on the music millionaires.

The richest person in the UK music industry turns out, slightly disappointingly, to be Clive Calder (£1.3bn), although since he flogged Zomba five years ago and lives, for tax purposes, in the Cayman Islands, we're not sure he quite counts on either UK or music industry scores.

Which makes the richest person in music Andrew Lloyd Webber (£750m) - who has benefited both from the bounce of The Sound of Music and from a marking down of Paul McCartney (£725m). Macca has dropped to third place, but they seem to have already subtracted the cost of divorcing the Second Mrs McCartney.

The Rolling Stones, if you add all their wealth together, are worth £570m - getting dangerously close to being overhauled by U2, worth £480m in total.

What's really sweet is the paper adds together Madonna and Guy Ritchie's wealth - although presumably they rounded Guy's up to a full pound.

The top ten in full, then:

1 Clive Calder £1.3bn
2 Andrew Lloyd Webber £750m
3 Sir Paul McCartney £725m
4= Simon Fuller £450m
4= Sir Cameron Mackintosh £450m
6 Madonna & Guy Ritchie £275m
7 Sir Elton John £225m
8 Sir Mick Jagger £215m
9 Robert Stigwood £212m
10=Sir Tom Jones £190m
10=Keith Richards £190m
12 Sting £185m
13 Jamie Palumbo £165m
14= Roger Ames £160m
14= Olivia and Dhani Harrison £160m
16 Sir Tim Rice £155m
17= Eric Clapton £140m
17= Ringo Starr £140m
19 Phil Collins £135m
20= David Bowie £120m
20= Barry and Robin Gibb £120m

There's a separate list of "young" rich musicians, although the definition of young seems to be a little stretchy:

1 Vanessa-Mae Nicholson £32m
2= Guy Berryman £30m
2= Jonny Buckland £30m
2=Will Champion £30m
2= Chris Martin £30m
6 James Blunt £18m
7= Charlotte Church and Gavin Henson £10m
7= Joss Stone £10m
9= Craig David £9m
9= Will Young £9m

Vanessa Mae is thirty next year, which hardly makes her young in our book - if we were organising this list, we'd use the criteria of "would they look avoid looking silly if they wore trainers with wheels in?" - but the real surprise is Craig David being worth so much - we can only conclude he's had a couple of lucky scratchcards.

Bo! He made his selecta

Craig David disappointed, but not surprised by low entry for new single. He admits he's been so busy trying to crack America, he doesn't really care about a piddly little market like the UK (sorry, "has a lot of work to do back here.")

Your music sounds black but your guitarist is white - can you fill me in?

The story about Craig David being told to dump his white friend and guitarist because it'd confuse his position in the US market looks set to join the Herbie Hancock video story as one of the standard tales of the nasty racist undertow of the music industry. Hats off to Mr D for making a stink about the 'suggestion' rather than just accepting the advice and ploughing on.

What we find odd, though, is this piece by Wilber Wilberforce (a name we're adding to a list headed by Magnus Magnusson and Edward Woodward), the bloke in charge programmes of 1xtra. At first, he seems to want to defend the instruction to David:

" In America though, the rules are different and if Craig wants to succeed over there he will have to play by them. [...] In England it might be seen as an issue of race, but as far as the Americans were concerned it's business. In fact, they probably thought they were being helpful when they suggested that Craig get rid of Fraser. They'll have said to him: "Do you realise that people will ask what kind of act you are? Are you pop? Are you urban? You need to make a decision."

Right, so it's not "race", then, it's business. So, erm, that's alright then, is it? So, presumably if a sandwich bar in Alabama decided to was going to market itself exclusively to a white audience, and as such instituted a policy whereby it wouldn't hire black staff, as that would confuse its clientèle, Mr. Wilberforce would be relaxed with that?

Or if he went for a job with a US news station and was told "sorry, we're aiming for a clearly defined market and your face doesn't fit", he'd accept that that was business rather than racism?

He then shoots himself in his foot about two or three times by trying to suggest there's the same sort of thing happening in the UK, only it's on music snobbery lines rather than race lines. Firstly, from a man who's just stated

"In the US, though, the whole system is far more refined. Be it country and western, rock, pop, or rap every act has its proper place and has to stay there"

to then complain that in the UK

"an "underground" artist always has to hit a fine balance to make sure they don't go "pop" and lose their audience, just as pop stars run the risk of losing their original audience if they try to get street cred"

makes no sense - but then, the claims that Americans can't have black and white artists in the same act makes no sense in article that then goes on to observe that in the US

"In America, though, rap artists record with big names all the time (the latest Tom Jones album has been produced by Wyclef)."

So, Wyclef can record with Tom Jones - who, fair enough, is more orange than white, but still Welsh - and still be urban, but Craig David can't have a white guitarist and be urban? Sorry, Wilber, this sounds like trying to explain away racism to me. It probably isn't the worst example of racism in the industry, and, sure, its a twist for a white guy to be the victim, but let's not try and find a way of understanding it. Let's just admit it stinks, shall we?