Gordon in the morning: The Beatle Ballet

The most interesting thing about Sunday night's BAFTAs was the discovery that Paul McCartney is slowly morphing into Melvyn Bragg. And don't you wish when he did the "joke" about how music makes films better he'd have lobbed in at least a Spies Like Us if not a Give My Regards To Broad Street into the mix?

Gordon bumped into him backstage at the BAFTAs (I suspect this means Gordon was granted a thirty second yell across the floor at McCartney) in which McCartney announced his plan to join in with the latest trend and/or fashion:

He said: "I have been working on a ballet for a while. I'll be making a proper announcement in a few weeks. It's a really exciting project for me."

You can tell how deeply Gordon was embedded at the BAFTA aftershow by the way he, erm, is reduced to relying on Jonathan Ross' twitterstream to bring his readers what happened:

Wossy tweeted: "At Bafta party I told Sir Paul McCartney that since playing Beatles Rock Band as RINGO I had greater respect for him as a drummer... "

This was followed by: "... to which he replied that whenever he played, everyone beat him!"

... which was exactly the same joke that McCartney used at the launch of the game, if memory serves.

Elsewhere, Gordon struggles with Chanelle off Big Brother and her new breasts:

And now she's back in the limelight thanks to a new boob job.

Classy.

Given that she's only "in the limelight" because Gordon has written about them, it's having your bra off and wearing it to mutter about how awful it all is, surely?

That said, I'm sure plenty of lads will be more than happy to see these new shots of Chanelle.

Gordon manages to bring himself to run the pictures, which he's copied out of Zoo. Classy.

Gordon in the morning: Uncle festering

While the Liberals and Labour and the Tories are busy having meetings, other great minds are coming together:

FORGET live gigs - MARVIN HUMES has the scariest moment of his life fast approaching.

The JLS star is steeling himself to meet ROCHELLE WISEMAN's uncle - former Manchester United hardman PAUL INCE.

Oh yes. Impressing your girlfriend's uncle is the most important thing you ever do. (Thank God the Uncle was fairly famous, otherwise Who Do You Think You Are researchers would have been deployed to find someone, anyone, who Sun readers might have heard of, to power-up the pedal-power couple.)

Also, I know you'll have been worrying about this:

[Chanelle Hayes] insisted that she won't sleep with her new fella Jack Tweed until after the baby is born, out of respect for her ex Matthew Bates - the father of her unborn child who she split from last year.

Now we can all breathe again.

Striking long, long after the iron has cooled

Chanelle Hayes. Reach back into your mind, and you might remember her from last year's Big Brother. Now, she's capitalising on that fame (alright, capitalising on that slight flicker of recognition) by launching a career as a pop singer. Or, rather, launching a reality show about her launching a career as a pop singer. She wants us to know that, despite having made money as a Victoria Beckham lookalike, and following Victoria Beckham about, and copying Victoria Beckham's hairstyle, that there's more to her than a Posh wannabe:

"I know that people think I'm talentless, but I've played the violin since I was seven and then I did music at A Level. I want to have a go at it and show people that I'm not just a miserable cow walking around with a pout on my face."

Dismissing claims that she is attempting to copy her idol's music style, she said: "Yeah, we wear similar clothes because I choose to but she sings one way and I sing another. I don't sound like her when I speak and I'm not trying to sound like her when I sing."

Aha. It's similar clothes, as in "I came out and would you believe it, to my surprise Victoria Beckham was wearing the very same dress yesterday".

Still, at least she's not copying Beckham's music - she's not that stupid.

"People love to hate, and if people don't like it - fair enough. I've got a CD with my name on it that I can give to my mum and she'll be dead proud."

Yes. You have a CD with your name on. Money can't buy that. Well, actually, it can, but you know what we mean.

There's more, much more to Chanelle:

"I just want to show that I can pose on the cover of a magazine or newspaper but I can also do academic things as well."

Mmm. Good luck with winning the Regis Chair Of Being On A VH1 Programme At Oxford, Chanelle.

When worlds collide: Ziggy and Chanelle

When we first heard that Ziggy and Chanelle are limbering up for a run at Eurovision, we thought the idea was for them to do it together. We could just about see that - a marvellous, campy, sniping-at-each-other, Anything You Could Briefly Do I Can Do Better type affair. Obviously, since in the UK they can barely manage a downpage in the middle of New! magazine, the whole thing would be spectacularly pointless beyond Dover, but at least it would have some coherence.

But it turns out they're planning two separate tries. Chanelle has, at least, convinced her mother:

"Chanelle’s very good at music. She’s an A* student and plays the violin at Grade Seven. She is always singing at home."

Even that, actually, sounds more convincing than Ziggy's pedigree:

He sang with the group Northern Line between 1998-2000 and had three top 40 hits.

... which nobody alive can remember.

[Once again, thanks to Michael M]

B list squared

Professional half-wit Lee Ryan has, apparently, managed to have half a date with Chanelle who walked out during Big Brother. Most humiliatingly for Lee, the Sunday Mirror reports this as if 'failed game show contestant' was pulling out of his league.

Lookalike won't like a look at lookalike

The Sun gets quite excited this morning that Chanelle, the Victoria Beckham worshipping clone off of Big Brother, flew to LA to, erm, not get to meet Beckham:

WAG wannabe Chanelle ditched a chance to go back into the Big Brother house and jetted to LA this week in a bid to meet her idol.

Chanelle even tried to make a splash by turning up at LAX Airport in identical clothes to those worn by Victoria when she arrived early last month.

The ex-housemate was greeted by a few photographers — a far cry from the hundreds that turned up for Posh and hubby David’s arrival.

Yes, a newspaper did think that 'paparazzi don't turn out for a lookalike's arrival' was some sort of snub worthy of coverage.

If the paper's interested, there was a David Beckham lookalike round our way who failed to get picked for the England team. Hold the front page, everyone.