Digital Spy boosts Janet Jackson's love for freaky brother slide-show stunt

It must be tricky, discovering that someone is going to project a film of your dead brother on stage and pretend that somehow he's "performing". And yet you can't really scream "why are you doing this, like some odd cross between Frankenstein and Barnum?" because that'd cause a shitstorm, too.

So, on Facebook, Janet Jackson's people issue a polite, but non-comital statement:

Janet wishes rumors she'd be at the ‪#‎BillboardAwards‬ were right. She never confirmed as her schedule would not permit. She sends wishes for a great event.
-Janet's Team

To me, that sounds like discussions about taking part happened, possibly up until the bit where Billboard wheeled out the overhead projector and said "... and we'd like you to duet with some photos of your dead sibling."

Afterwards, again on Facebook, Janet was being polite and still non-comital:

My brother, Michael, was, is and always will be a genius. I love you, Mike. Janet

Now, she doesn't say that she really loved that sub-Derek Acorah resurrection routine. It's possible she forgot to mention how brilliant it all was.

Regardless, it's a long journey from those two terse tweets to Digital Spy's interpretation of what they meant:

Janet Jackson "wishes" she'd performed with Michael Jackson hologram

Not only does she not mention performing at all, she expressly, and clearly, makes no mention at all of the unsettling hologram o'resurrection. I think the wishes for the shared stage might be Digital Spy's, rather than Jackson.

Justin Bieber is a serious artist

Justin Bieber is very much the Michael Gove of pop, isn't he? Terrifically overpromoted, but without the wit to realise it.

So when things like this happen:

After performing twice at the Billboard Music Awards—once solo for his hit "Take You" and once with Will.i.am for "Power"—the pop singer took the stage near the end of the night to accept the first ever Milestone Award, but along with the cheers he's used to, Bieber was faced with some heavy booing.

... he has trouble processing what's going on...

Instead of heading straight to the mic, J.B. just kinda stood there a little dumbfounded, either not quite sure what to say, or just didn't care to say anything at all.

...and then just makes things worse...

After a few moments (which felt like a lifetime), Bieber finally said, "I'm 19 years old, I think I'm doing a pretty good job and basically, from my heart, I really wanna say it should really be about the music. It should be about the craft, the craft that I'm making."

...and worse:

He continued, "This is not a gimmick. I'm an artist and I should be taken seriously and all this other bull should not be spoken of. I wanna thank my manager, Scooter Braun. I wanna thank my family at home. I wanna thank my mother, my father, I wanna thank Jesus Christ. Mom, I love you so much. Dad, I love you. Little brother and sister, I love you so much. Thank you guys so much. Fans, you're incredible."

We phoned Jesus for a comment, and he told us, exclusively:

"Really? He thanked me? Oh, man. Why did he do that? Of course I love him, but that's because I painted myself into a corner 2000 years ago. If I'd known preaching tolerance would lead to me being used as a supernatural shield for a muppet who thinks he's a craftsman, I'd have worked in some get-out clauses. 'Love thy neighbour, unless he's full of it'. It's too late to change the Bible, isn't it?"

What can't we face if we're together?

Nickeback goat-man Chad Kroeger has been whining because his friends couldn't get into a backstage event at the Billboard awards.

"They wouldn't let our people in because they didn't have laminates."

Right, and your point being, Chad? Look, if your people fucked up and didn't get your guestlist in in time, that's your problem, not theirs. Or maybe there's some sort of exception to the rule because you're so ugly you think security would just know someone turning up at the door saying she's your wife would have to be, as nobody else would claim that even to sneak into a party? You might not have heard, Chad, but the whole of the US is a little jumpy right now, what with the smallpox and the rap wars and the shooting of one of Run DMC and the Iraq crisis.

Maybe you should think about the security implications before you open your mouth and sound like a bullock head. Oh, and - really - don't worry about the same thing happening at next year's awards. Can you say "Stiltskin"?