life as I know it

I have been thinking a lot lately, a lot about my life, the life of my family and just life in general.

It can be very overwhelming at times, learning to re live life with out your Mom or Dad is a hard thing to manage. I know I'm not "young" but I know that I'm not old either. With that being said, having younger children adds to the confusion of life. I cant call my Mom, nor can I run over to her house and ask "what was I like at this age, and what did you do to handle it?" or "HELP!" I don't have "sisters" or a "sister" to go to either. YES, I do have sister in laws, and I do have a sweet Mother in law......and I love 'em, but its not the same, or maybe I'm not willing to let it be a close second. (Thus, why I'm learning to re-live)

Truth be told, I am REALLY tired of living like I am. Life isn't as rich and full as it once was when they were alive. Life isn't as "normal" either... I cant seem to grasp back the concept of routine, of having a guided plan for house keeping, food shopping, cooking dinners... I keep blaming it on the mere fact that my kids are growing up...and with that, life is to chaotic to have such "order". But when I dig deep into my thoughts, and reasons..... I keep coming back to the fact that their death (Mom and Dad) was so sudden, and so unpredictable, that THAT very well could be the reason WHY I'm not falling back into my normal routine(s). Why have order, comfort, when it could be all taken away in a instant? One might call this Anxiety, and it might just be that. I know I deal with it almost daily now. Its not a stranger at all. I hate it. Its something that I know I have to hit head on. Anxiety is fear of the unknown/future. Two things that haunt me, a lot. I could go on and on about this..... but lets not.

So what we know so far is:

1. I need order and some sort of stability or routine in my life.

2. I need to over come that I CANT control what happens.

3. I need to KICK anxiety's ASS! (sorry, but it needed to be said)

What I can do, or what to do about it:

1. Continue on a 30 minuet a day exercise (no mater what it is, just get the 30 mins in!)

2. Move forward with a cleaning schedule, not only for me, but the kids as well and maybe D too!

3. BLOG! Express my feelings, concerns, thoughts... etc.

4. Create! Weather it be a craft, taking pictures of nature, people, whatever, JUST BE CREATIVE!

5. Cook. Perhaps even blog it. I'm sure there are some people that could use an easy meal to cook...why not share whats yummy to you and your family with others :]

6. Take some time for me, without anyone else....even without D. You need it! Call it a refresher! Even a simple hike in the lands you used to hike as a kid would do you some good!

7. Take more pictures of my kids, husband, pets, and life that surrounds me.

Perhaps this will give me a free mind, allow me to think less on missing my parents, ease out of anxiety and focus more on what is good in life as I know it...

So with that, I have changed my blogs title from "Welcome to our zoo" to "life as I know it" Because that what I will be blogging about... my life. Some might be good, some might not be, but it is what it is.

Here is to a new beginning!

:]