Life feels unfair

That is how I am feeling today. In fact many of the days have felt this way. Being 35 I think I have had enough "drama" and unexpected things happen. Most of which have left me feeling empty inside. Not knowing how to feel, or what to think, and fearing (without realizing) life's next move.

I hit me the other day that I am suffering through some post traumatic anxiety, yet again. I want to protect everything and everyone around me, and dearest to my heart. I dont care to go anywhere or do anything... I would much rather stay at home, and mope ( ya me! Pity party!)... I wonder what I would be like IF I wasn't on medication....

How fast this past month has gone by. Just when I thought I could move on with life,and be ok with what has happened.... it hit me again, but I think this is more put on top of what I was already trying to handle...
Because of the medication, I haven't really let it all out. Its as if it is masking what I really need to go through, emotionally, but on the same hand I don't want to go through what I went through last year. I was a mess, and my family suffered because of it. At least this time, they have a more leveled headed Mom, that isn't yelling (YELLING) at them all the time for non important things.
Not to mention the physical side of it all. Pain, not knowing what was going on with my body. My own Dr. appointments to go to, and not really getting answers to what was going on. I Still dont know what my body is doing. I know all this hasn't been good on it, and im sure the medication that is keeping me sane isn't very good either, but its better then nothing.

I just feel like a big huge mess that needs to be cleaned up, but im not sure where to even start, because you know its just going to get messed up again.....

Well... thanks for reading my "poor me" post. I just needed to write it down... so that I can read it at another time and think to myself... "what were you whining about!"