All the emotions rolled into one.

While I'm am so grateful that I have this time with my mom, it saddens me when I think of the times that I wont get to have with her. The times I will need to talk with her, but wont because she wont be that phone call away. It really sucks.

Today I spent most of it with her in her home. I was able to help her as well as my dad. Ethan was really good there, and that made it easier on me. It was so sweet to see Ethan playing with my mom in her bed. He brought some toys in to share. But there was a moment where all my Mom could do was take hold of Ethan and cry. She kept saying how much she loved him. It hurt. It made me so very sad to think he wont remember much of her. I took some more pictures of the two because I want him to know just how much she loves him.

Its just tearing me apart. I try to be so strong. I do ok most of the time, as long as I'm not thinking about the what not's. But as soon as i think about the what not's... I just start to bawl. It hurts to think my Mom wont be there for this or that. Sure in spirit. But that only helps for a moment.

I suppose I'm in the "why" stage. Why does my mom have to be ill? Why does she have to have something that is so vicious that its taking her aways from me and my loved ones? Why does she have to go so soon? Why cant she be cured? They can freaking clone a animal for goodness sakes, why cant they find a damn cure for cancer?? Its just not fair, nor right. I want my mom alive and well for a long time!

I feel for everyone who has had to go through this ugliness! I'm so sorry for those who have lost a loved one from cancer, or anything for that matter. It just plainly sucks. And I hate it. Hates a strong word to use...but I can honestly say... I HATE CANCER!