Funny of the day :

Ethan sitting in his car seat yawns, I look back at him and he immediately say's "I'm not tired!" As we continue to drive, I look back at him again and he is COMPLETELY ASLEEP! We got home, I tucked him into his bed... about 2 hours later I was waking him up so we could take the girls to dance! Not tired?!?! ... HA! :] heehee

More Cuteness!

I sure have enjoyed taking photos of Tavia! She is so dang CUTE, and I have to say that I have really enjoyed getting to know her Mom more. A really sweet girl... both of them!!

Pushing Forward

That is my goal... to push forward. To do things that are outside of my box, and learn to adjust to it. I have done it so far, and have been ok about it as well. That's a good thing!

As far as the medication thing, I halved the caplets that I had left, and have been taken them for 6 days now. Now it will be a every other day until they are gone. I have been feeling really good. Not as tired as I had been, and in Doug's words "happier, like the smaller dose is better for you. Maybe you were being over medicated" Perhaps I was, but non the less, I still want off of this brand.
I have been a bit more moody, short tempered. I'm finding myself raising my voice when I feel stressed. So I need to avoid things that place me in a rush, and find a way to take a step back.
Right now I don't know if I will be able to be completely off medication, but I hope one day to be at that point. There is one other medication I would try, if it comes to that point. I just need to take it one day at a time.

So one day at a time it is... I have offered to take more "people" pictures, and will be learning more about that and more about my camera as well as the editing program. I am looking forward to getting a new lens for my camera, thanks to my Mom and Dad. It will allow me to take REALLY up close pictures as well as portrait. I hope to find a avenue to place my pictures and start selling them to.
So either it will be "baby steps" or a "giant leap" Or maybe somewhere in between... I will just have to see :]

Life is good... I just have to remember to see it that way.

Blessed with Love

Whew!

I got enough courage to call, and thankfully got it cleared out. I will be "halving" my caplets manually, and taking them for the reminder of 6 days. Then he wants me to take a medication vacation. I pray that this will be good for me, and my family. I pray that I wont "need" the medication.
We are going to try therapy as well. Perhaps a monthly visit is what I need to get through it all. That is one of the many reasons I miss my Mom. She was the best therapist ever!!

WTH

I cant believe what I was just told.
Well I got the phone call... and it wasnt at all what I thought it would have been. I was just told to go ahead and stop taking the medication. Just stop. And because the kind I have is a caplet, I just have to stop.

I'm sitting here in disbelief. I know what I went through the last time I skipped a few days to get on a night time thing. To tell you the truth, Im scared as hell. I should call back and say what the heck... but why? I feel like I am crazy... why else wouldn't the medication work for me? Its all in my head. UMM DONT THINK SO! And no, no one said anything of the sort... its just how I feel when you are hoping that you would be weaned off the medication, not just told to jump ship and hope you find land before you drown.

So now what? I don't know. I suppose it will get figured out. Faith... that's what I need to run with.

Meds 2 - me 1

Its been about a month since switching medication, and with that I have been on two different kinds. The first one was awful! Besides feeling like I wanted to be done with it all, I had hot flashes from hell! Just walking from my bedroom to the kitchen cause my body to feel like it was on fire. So my Doc took me off of the two meds, and put me on another. Yet again, after 3 weeks of this crap I feel awful!. I'm thinking that being on nothing was better then being on something that makes you extremely tired, irritable, moody, nausea, did I mention tired? Dreams are a whole other thing. Talk about feeling as though they are real, then having some blend into your day to day life, and the worst one seeing my little boy get hit by a car and watching his head break open like a watermelon. Yes, just what I wanted in a medication. I also had a severe withdrawal a couple weekends ago. I was trying to switch to night to take the medication. I felt GREAT Saturday. Sunday came and in the morning I was more less high and happy, by noon I was sicker then I had been, and by night I was in on the bathroom floor wanting to puke, crying so hard because I couldn't take it anymore. Needless to say it was because I had gone a day and a half without the medication. I was able to have a blessing that was so great... I honestly felt something being taken from me. While I still felt ill, I was able to rest and felt better in the morning.
Over the next week... its just been more of the same. I finally called and left a message this morning, saying I wanted off this stuff. I hope to get a call back with what I want to hear. I cant go another week like he wanted me to. It sucks.

So there you go... a up date. Medication can be good, so long your body likes it.

A must read

http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/disease-called-perfection.html

Update to "One of those days"

Well.... I ended up making an appointment yesterday, and they got me in in the afternoon. After a great visit with my Doctor who is a great friend as well, he concluded that I was still suffering from depression and that the current medication wasn't cutting it for me. So with that He has added another medication along with my current medication. I hope that it helps.
I suppose what has been going on for so long finally beat out the medication, and started to over power what sanity it was giving me. So here I cheer on the team of meds... "GO MEDS GO!" Don't let me down... knock the boots off that nasty depression and its side kick anxiety!

One of those days

Today is defiantly one of those days. Where you just want to crawl into a hole and stay there for a good while. In fact it seems to have been this way for a couple of months now. While I have had some really great days, and I have gotten things done, cleaned out and even have done some things I have wanted to try. It just isn't making up for the overwhelming need to run away.

Back a few months, there were some things that were said and done. Things that brought the past up and only caused more harm then good by doing so. Actions were taken place, people were pulled into all the mess... all to leave a gap, for lack of better words, in a family. Now with everyone on edge, and trying to move forward, it still manages to work around and back into my life. I wish that we were more kind to one another. I wish that we could open our eyes a bit more and move past what we cannot change. To understand that we don't always get what we hope for, or wish for, or even want in life. We are left with how we are going to handle said situation. Make the best of it, and be understanding of others capabilities and know that they are not out to get you, its just that life has given a opposite road to take then the one they wanted to take.
Love them regardless. Their life has been through hell, just like yours. Everything isn't peachy keen.

Then there is my Parents home. I has sold and it is getting close to closing time. There are still items that need to be moved out. And A LOT of bottles that need to be packed and moved as well.
This is a bitter sweet moment. While I'm looking forward to this chapter to close so that I may be able to not be reminded of them not being here whenever I needed to go to the house, or pick up the mail Its still hard to think that is that. Someone else will be living there. My Mom and Dad are really gone.

Add those two things to me gaining weight, having my body feel strange, pulling muscles left and right.... it makes for one of those days. It too will pass... I just hope I can survive!!
I am thankful for my Hubby... my kids... family... and friends that might as well be family. I am blessed. I need to focus on that more then the Ho-Hums of the day :]

Tavia

Tavia has the most squishy cheeks around!! These pictures were taken when she was 3 weeks old. Such a cutie! She just loves the camera... there for she was awake for most of the shots :] Her hair was so thick and long! It even had "highlights"! Such a sweet little girl!!

This is so much fun! Babies are so irresistible! I think at this rate I will be set until one of my girls has one of their own! No need for any more kids for me!! I will just keep taking pictures of babies!!! heehee ::Loves::

Clear as black and white

Black and White... You think it would be as simple as what the words read...

Since I have been able to take photos of two ADORABLE newborns, I have found when editing, that I'm in LOVE with the Black and White. The contrast of it all, and the softness of the skin... leaves me wanting to edit more in BW. Don't get me wrong, I love color as well, but mostly in nature, like flowers and such...

I tell Doug all the time why I got into photography... and he is a sweetheart for listening to me tell him over and over. It all started with a great black and white photographer by the name of Ansel Adams. His work is just amazing and inspiring! I fell in love with his work, and bought a book, along with a calendar of his photos, and another book just recently.

So going back to "its as clear as black and white" I'm thinking that I want to focus on black and white when it comes to babies, and perhaps people in general.... with a side of color. Instead of color with a side of BW.

Am I crazy? Or do you think I could run with this, and enjoy it all :] Of course fall time and anything with great color would remain color... :] But the rest... black and white. Majority.

I guess I will sleep on it.. think about it... sleep on it again... and sooooo on :]

Baby Javi

I was lucky enough to be able to take pictures of this sweet newborn. She is my friends newest little one.. and let me tell you... she is so sweet! Smells nummy.... and cures any baby hungry illness! It was my first chance to take photos of someone elses baby... and it was fun! I hope to do more of newborns! I also have been blessed to have the opportunity to take some family photos for some friends as well! (soon, that is)

To think that when my Mom and Dad bought me my first real camera for graduation, I would be where I am today. LOVING being able to make others happy by doing what brings me joy. Its a blessing beyond words. I wish that I could talk with my Mom about this new adventure that I have been given... there is something to be felt knowing and seeing your Mom or Dad cheer you on, and be happy with you and your progress in life. I know that they are with me, and know everything that is going on... but to, how do I say this, to have them "in person" and see them light up with joy right along with you.. well it is to be desired. I'm grateful for all my family, and most of all my friends who cheer me on... who get just as excited right along with me... you guys are my support... so thank you. It means the world to me...

So we will see where this new adventure takes me. I hope that I can continue enjoying life through my camera and with my Family and Friends. Its all I got. Loves to you all!!

Hey there Cupcake!

Ever since having a cupcake from 25 Main, and eating Lyndsi's cupcakes.... I have been on a quest to make cupcakes from scratch! Well I was able to find some that sounded really yummy, but I ran into a problem! The one I wanted to make first was a pumpkin cupcake. Walmart didn't have canned pumpkin! :[ So until I go to another store I'm left to trying new ones. So with that we went for the Banana cupcake with a honey cinnamon frosting. They were yummy! Today we are trying a chocolate one with a cream cheese frosting... hopefully it is just as yummy!!

Huh?

Whats that you say? Its not Monday morning? Its really a Thursday? Are you sure about this? It sure feels like a Monday morning...

This is how I feel today! Already have hurt myself twice... managed to yell plenty, and all this in a matter of an hour!

B
U
T

on the bright side of things... The house is straightened... the floors are vacuumed... now all that is left is simple things! And I must say that I am happy its Thursday... that just means we are closer to the weekend, and closer to cooler temps!! Not to mention the chance of some more rain!! Yippie!

So those goals I set out to do a few months ago... I have accomplished a few of them, and I am working forward on the others.

I got my two photos in the fair, and they both received blue ribbons!


Painting.... I got the girls room painted. One side has purple wall where the headboard is and a stripe down the side wall of the bed. This is so they can hang pictures or whatever it is they want. The other side is a tropical sea blue. Same concept. The window area and the rest of the room is still the brown. Its fun :] I now need to focus on what wall or walls I would like to paint next and go for it!

Crocheting... I have moved forward on this.. a little bit. I have made several hats (given them away, but I enjoy it) Found a pattern for a "Hanging cocoon" more less a photo prop you put newborns in to take pictures. I hope to take some of my friends new little girl :] So if and when I do, I will post those to share! She is a cute baby :]
I also made her some sandals, but they were to small! So I need to remake new ones.. they turned out cute...



Cleaning... Since the girls have been back in school it has been a lot easier to clean. I have also managed to make my bed every morning... I cant tell you how much of a difference it makes having that bed made! It sounds silly I know... but Its nice when you have to go past it every time you need to go to the bathroom! I also have gotten a dry erase board that is made for a chore chart. We have filled it out, and while chores sometimes go undone, I can always say to them when they question who has to do what "go look at the chore chart!" That's been nice. They also have to deep clean the bathroom on Saturday, and wash and put away their clothes! Its not perfect, but it works for us :] It also has been less stress! :]

There are a few other goals that haven't been accomplished.... but in time it will happen, I hope :]

Blogging more... well that too needs some work, but I'm getting there!

I hope that you all "Have a nice day and smile all the way"
:]

Way to go Sienna!!!

Today Sienna was accepted to be apart of her school Student Council!! She was so cute in that she wouldn't open her letter until she got home and had her Dad on the phone... she wouldn't even let me look at it! When she read it aloud, she was grinning from ear to ear, and jumping up and down! I'm so thankful for this positive moment in her life, and I hope that she learns and grows from her experience's that will come from this school year, that it will be an uplifting year!
I Love You Sienna!!

Back to School 2010

They were so excited to be going back to school!
I must admit, so was I! heehee
I am so blessed to have two beautiful daughters...
I just Love them!!

Blessed- Brett Dennen

I welcome the sun
The clouds and rain
The wind that sweeps the sky clean and lets the sun shine again
This is the most magnificent life has ever been
Here is heaven and earth and the brilliant sky inbetween

Blessed is this life and I'm gonna celebrate being alive
Blessed is this life and I'm gonna celebrate being alive

Blessed is this life oh, and I'm gonna celebrate being alive
Blessed is this life oh, and I'm gonna celebrate being alive

I dwell in the darkness
I let in the light
I sleep in the afternoon and become the noise in the night
I trespass in temptation suffer in sacrifice
But I awake each day with the new sunrise

Blessed is this life oh, and I'm gonna celebrate being alive
Blessed is this life oh, and I'm gonna celebrate being alive
Blessed is this life oh, and I'm gonna celebrate being alive
Blessed is this life oh, and I'm gonna celebrate being alive

Days end thoughts.

Well today was a good day for the most part :] My Sienna and Ethan got to go to swim lessons, and I am so happy with how well they are doing! The swim teacher is awesome, and its a small class for both of them, so there is more quality teaching which is always a good thing!

In the mix of the two classes I was able to go to the farmers market at our local farm. I was able to get some green and yellow squashes some tomatoes and cucumbers. mmm mmm mmm :] I also learned that you never leave windows down at the farm! I left two of them down, not thinking... and by the time we got back into the truck there had to be over 500 flies in there! I'm not kidding either! They just covered the seats... ewww! It took driving 20 something minuets, leaving every window down, watching a swim lesson another 30 minuets for all but about 2 flies to exit! YUCKY.

The girls went to their friends houses today, which left E and I to a q u i e t house. All I can say to that is ahhhhhhhh. E took a good long nap, and I got some things done. I forgot how quiet it can be!

I also found out that our Solitude trip that we have been taking for the last three years, might not even happen. They used to have this deal of stay 2 nights get one free. Well this year they changed it to stay 3 nights get one free. So that just messed up our tradition :[ I guess we will have to find a new place until they change it back!

Later I went to pick the girls up from their friends house... took the "wubzy" E was so cute, he wanted his window down. I just watched him look out the window with the warm wind blowing in on him, and occasionally him sticking his hand out the window. I also enjoyed visiting with my BFF... a joke that started when the girls started to hang out a lot and they became BFF's. But I do consider her one of my BFF.. she is an amazing person who always cares. I'm happy to have her in my life, and my daughters life.

So there is my day... enjoyable. :D

Goals of the present

I have been feeling "lost" lately... I have always been able to go to my Mom for advice for just about anything... even if it was to hear me vent. So being without her to go to, its been different and frustrating at times. Granted Counseling has worked wonders, and I really wish that I could go to Lynn weekly just to talk with her about what has got me for the week. But sadly insurance only covers so much, and only allows X visits a year. I wish that everyone could go to counseling... Its amazing to see and come to surface why I have anxiety, or even depression. Did you know that anxiety is really about your future? About your doubt and fear? It can even intermingle with your past! It has nothing to do with the moment your in. Can you imagine if we all lived in the moment, how less stressed we would be? And how better we would be at making choices? I am trying to live in the moment, to not let fear and doubt hold me back from what I can accomplish... my dreams.. to take what talents Heavenly Father gave me to give back to the world... share them and to be ok with it if its not perfect. Lynn told me when I had mentioned to her about how I didn't want to take photos of people because the fear of them not liking how they turned out, or when I crochet, I can see the mistake or flaw, but I know they more then likely wouldn't even notice it. She told me I should join the Navajo ladies, that they purposely put into their rugs, flaws. That only God in perfect. So that means to me that I am NOT to be perfect, that I need to let go and enjoy what I do create even if there is a flaw.... its just right.

There are many many other issues I wish I could talk to Lynn about.. But for now here is a list of what I hope to accomplish...

Paint. Go with some color, and not worry that I made a wrong choice. Also don't say "well we might sell the house" That fear or worry is years out anyhow.. so enjoy the NOW! Color and all :]

Pictures. Print the ones my Cousin wanted, send them to her. Enter two photos into the county fair. Then move forward with selling my photographs along with testing the waters of family photos, kids, babies, pets...

Cleaning. Find a way to keep up with the house. Not so its spotless... but comfortable to be in. To be able to clean when the kids and hubby are around as well. (For whatever reason I don't like to clean when people are around)

Crocheting. I want to be able to sell the items I craft. I have gotten new patterns, and hope to set up "shop" along side with my photography. I enjoy creating.. its like photographing... to see the end result is exciting!

Take the kids outdoors more, be more adventurous. That is a hard thing for me to do, esp when its HOT, or really windy. We went to see the movie "Grown ups" It was a funny movie, but it hit home for me. When was the last time I enjoyed the outdoors wandering around, let alone with my kids?! I'm not a huge fan of camping... but there is something about being outdoors.. esp at night when you can see the stars. I used to think that the milky-way had faded away.... until one night being away from the city light's I got to see it again! I was always amazed by it. And the stars... they are so beautiful. I'm not sure if my kids even know what a "night sky" looks like. So I hope to go catch more lizards and see more ghost towns to find those little treasures (buttons) with my kids!

Last goal..... To blog more about everyday life. After all this was suppose to be like a diary... and I have been slacking!More like given up on it..... I look back on this blog and there are a lot of great memories... so I hope that I can put aside my fears and doubts and "just do it". Have no regrets... make memories not only for myself, but those who surround me. And live in the moment... don't let life pass me by, and defiantly don't let the future keep me from my goals!

Lots of love!!

Twins

My Dad and Ethan at about the same age of three.

I miss them : [

Today has been one of those days... I miss them. Still cant wrap my head around the fact that they are gone from this earth life. It's hard... I miss them.... really bad :* [

Close to you

Thanks Mom... and Dad :D Love you!!!

"You too Hun"

As I got out of the "wubzy" this morning and was walking towards the building for an appointment I had, there was this cute older man standing next to his car with the door open that was parked right in front of the building in the handicap parking stall. His hair was a bit fluffy like my Dad's and he had that classic mustache, just like my Dad's too. He was all a smiles, with somthing in his hands. As I got closer to him he proceeded to tell me "it's my breakfast" I replied back to him saying "that looks like a yummy one!!" We both smiled and I then said to him "have a nice day" he then replied back " You too Hun." I said thanks and entered the building. Hun, this is a word that both my parents would say to me. "Hi Hun" was the most common.... To hear those words was comforting. I just thought to myself as I was waiting to go back for my appointment, I wish I could have gave that man a hug. He had no idea how he made me feel inside. Its the little things in life that make the biggest impact on someone. Even those small three words made my whole day. Yes, I had to hold back my tears because it made me miss my parents, but it also reminded me that they are with me at any given time.... I just need to be open to it.

I have tried my best to ask anyone that I come in contact with how they are doing, how their day was, or complement them on something... and I always will say, Have a nice day. Its fun to see them smile... you never know how a simple phrase can make someone feel good.

I hope to have many more little words or actions that brighten my day that also remind me, I'm not alone... my parents my not be here physically, but they are with me. Forever in my heart.

So to those who are reading this, I hope you have a nice day!! You are loved!! :]

Life feels unfair

That is how I am feeling today. In fact many of the days have felt this way. Being 35 I think I have had enough "drama" and unexpected things happen. Most of which have left me feeling empty inside. Not knowing how to feel, or what to think, and fearing (without realizing) life's next move.

I hit me the other day that I am suffering through some post traumatic anxiety, yet again. I want to protect everything and everyone around me, and dearest to my heart. I dont care to go anywhere or do anything... I would much rather stay at home, and mope ( ya me! Pity party!)... I wonder what I would be like IF I wasn't on medication....

How fast this past month has gone by. Just when I thought I could move on with life,and be ok with what has happened.... it hit me again, but I think this is more put on top of what I was already trying to handle...
Because of the medication, I haven't really let it all out. Its as if it is masking what I really need to go through, emotionally, but on the same hand I don't want to go through what I went through last year. I was a mess, and my family suffered because of it. At least this time, they have a more leveled headed Mom, that isn't yelling (YELLING) at them all the time for non important things.
Not to mention the physical side of it all. Pain, not knowing what was going on with my body. My own Dr. appointments to go to, and not really getting answers to what was going on. I Still dont know what my body is doing. I know all this hasn't been good on it, and im sure the medication that is keeping me sane isn't very good either, but its better then nothing.

I just feel like a big huge mess that needs to be cleaned up, but im not sure where to even start, because you know its just going to get messed up again.....

Well... thanks for reading my "poor me" post. I just needed to write it down... so that I can read it at another time and think to myself... "what were you whining about!"

A beautiful poem I came across this morning

Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free
I’m following the path God has laid you see.
I took His hand when I heard him call
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work, to play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way
I found that peace at the close of day.

If my parting has left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss
Oh yes, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life’s been full, I savored much
Good friends, good times, a loved one’s touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief
Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your hearts and peace to thee
God wanted me now; He set me free.

On their 50th...

February 20th, 2010 Our Loving Father passed away to be with the Love of his life on their Golden Anniversary. After suffering through a long year, missing Tamra so very deeply, he was called back home.

Last Saturday, the13th, he came over and told me about this vision he had. It was of Mom, Tamra. He was laying in bed facing out when he saw her standing next to his bed. Nothing was said, and what he saw was a healthy younger Tamra... she was radiant and looked so beautiful. He didn't want to reach out to try and touch her because he was afraid that she would leave so he laid their for awhile just taking her in. It was so vivid to him. He finally had to try, he reached out to touch her, and that is when she left. He cried so hard that day... He longed to be with her.

Little did we know that perhaps she was coming to him to let him know she was about to take him home with her. We had a lovely evening remembering Mom. We had 15 smile face balloons, 2 star and one "I love you" balloons. We attached messages to the balloons and took them all into her bedroom. We took many pictures... and while we did, Dad was trying so hard to hold back his emotions, but the were no match to his toughness. They came out, and that is when he asked for one of us to say a prayer. Shane was kind enough to offer a very loving prayer. After that we sat a little longer in the room and then worked our way outside. We were all to wait to release the balloons until we all were together, but Dad couldn't wait.. the moment he got out there, he let his balloons go... he turned around with a smile on his face. I will never forget that, or how happy it made him feel that we sent all those balloons heavenward. We then went in the house and made dinner, "shells". It was the same dinner we had on the day Mom passed. We were in good company, and the feeling was peaceful. Dad wasn't feeling to good, worn out from his emotions, but he stayed out with us the whole night, until we went home. He stayed at the door waving with the biggest smile on his face until we had all gone... then he went in.

The next day I called him around 8:40 am. He didn't answer, which is normal for Dad. I left a message for him. I tried several more times that morning, it wasn't until 1pm that I thought I better head over to check on him. When I got there, the house was quiet.. I headed back to his room and back porch. I could smell a faint smell of cigarette smoke, so I knew he was home. I turned that corner, and that is when I saw my Dad. At first I thought he was asleep in his chair outside, but it wasn't until I touched him that I knew he was gone.

It is saddening to know that we now are left "alone" we are "earth orphans". We are holding strong to one another, and are blessed to have many many prayers offered to us. The only thing that is getting us through is knowing that they, Jack and Tamra, Mom and Dad are together again and that they are feeling amazing! We will miss our parents dearly, and life will have forever be changed... but we need to remember that they LOVE us, and that they will forever be apart of us, and that they will always be in our heart.... we just need to trust in that and be open to the unknown and look everyday for one simple beauty that made us smile, no matter how small or how silly it might be. One moment at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time...

We Love You Dad... Thanks for all the hard work you have done to provide for us. For taking that higher road in life and making something out of yourself when you faced such a tough childhood. We love you... thanks for showing us how to have compassion for others in your settle ways. You are a strong loving Husband and Father, as well as an amazing Grandfather. We will miss you.... Love you! xoxoxo