Who's On Your Team?

So, there's a football game today! Which got me thinking about teamwork and our message from church a couple of weeks ago. And love, and family. Bear with me, they all mesh, I promise. It's what I do. 

Being part of a team is definitely a bonus when you're trying to win. In any area of your life- parenting, your job, friendships- having a strong, cohesive team can be the deciding factor in how you feel when you get up to face the day. Despite setbacks and minor losses (and we ALL have them), knowing you're not going it alone can help lend strength, tenacity, and problem-solving creativity.

When you think about the bigger picture of life, this is especially true! You want to be surrounded by people who:

• have a shared vision of "winning" or what the end game might look like
• elevate you and challenge you to be your best self
• compliment your weak areas
• are reliable and someone you can count on
• are a fan of you! 

Let's get real, these people may or may not be your family. For me, my team consists of the people I choose to surround myself with. If I consider you family, you better believe there is a fierce love and loyalty there! 

In Of Mess and Moxie, author Jen Hatmaker refers to love as a way of listening to another person's story, perspective, pain, or experience without judgement. Love is a way of breaking down barriers and truly making another feel welcomed. 

If, as the author claims, "isolation concentrates every struggle", then a handy solution would be found in true teamwork. Think about your worst day at work, or a regrettable parenting memory. Were your burdens eased at all by venting to a trusted co-worker, calling a close momma friend, or the arrival of your co-parent? Even just sharing our struggles with someone close to us can lift stress and help us find solutions we'd otherwise be unable to see on our own. 

Humans weren't made to exist in a vacuum. If you look around, you'll find you probably already belong to several "teams", some you may or may not consider family. And the even better news is that, as social creatures, we have the ability to seek new connections, or teams, or repair ones that need strengthening. Love can do that, too. 

One of my longest-playing teams is that of my college girlfriends. I think we're closing in on 25 years now! This is definitely a team-family-tribe that I cherish, and we all rely on in various ways. I have a great team at work, and other teams I'm working to build as a single mom. My kids and I even make a team (some days)- ha! 

I challenge you to think of all the teams you play on, your role, and how well the team characteristics fit. Is there room for improvement? Is there a need in your life that could be better met by a new team? 

Hello Again!

I'm overjoyed to have found my long-lost blog, and am looking forward to connecting with a host of new readers and friends! Let me re-introduce myself (since a lot has changed since my last post)...

I'm Bekah, a single mother of 2 teen girls. Let me tell you upfront that my life gets crazy!

To pay the bills, I work with children with disabilities and their families. I'm good at it. Really good. I've also been at my current job for almost 14 years. My caseload is so demanding that it often interferes with being able to effectively parent my own kids (more on that later). I'm stressed more often than not, and even though I love what I do, it's beginning to weigh me down. So I'm starting to weigh my options. More on that later, too. 

For fun, I read, write, sometimes crochet, hang with friends, and binge TV with my girls. We watched Friends all the way through at least 7 times. I love to take pictures, but not in an artsy way, just for reflection and documentation. I'm really into my planner. I watch endless videos about self-improvement, self-reflection, reaching an audience, empowering women, being your authentic self... you get the picture. I could sit in a coffee shop, just chatting and writing probably every day. 

I'm on a huge internal overhaul. Vision boards, manifesting, prayer and Bible study, writing and journaling, thinking and talking- so get ready for it! 

I'm pretty honest and tend to overshare. So if you like deep conversations with a complete stranger, you've come to the right place! Let's be friends :)

Around Here, September 2012

Around here, my girls are deciding on Halloween costumes, changing their minds, then changing them back again.

Around here, we are enjoying spending time with our neighbors- driveway tailgating and backyard bonfires. Lots of kids running around.

Around here, we are amazed that Justin's accident happened two years ago this month.

Around here, Morgan is struggling with homework. I hate to see her dislike school so much, and it is very stressful for her and me.

Around here, Justin and I are getting ready to celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary with a little trip to a secluded cabin. Can't wait!

Around here, both girls are taking dance lessons. That makes for one long night of classes!

Around here, we all fight over the Kindle!

Around here, we are having a lot of discussions about autism. We finally sat the girls down and told them that Morgan has Asperger's Syndrome.

Around here, school papers are already stacking up and multiplying. I just signed my first permission slip of the year.

Around here, Vivian is really caught between wanting to be a big kid, and still needing to be the baby. She has decided it is hard being the little sister.

Around here, I am enjoying the cooler mornings and evenings.

Around here, we still seek patience, simplicity, and forgiveness.


Other "Around Here" posts: 2011, 2010

Revisiting CALM

Lately I have been contemplating my “One Little Word” for 2012 and it occurred to me that it’s been a long while since I talked about CALM, this year’s word.

As many of you know, the past several months have brought me serious health problems and an inability to work. Stressful stuff on many levels. Besides being ill, I worried about finances and how my children were coping. Not really calm-inducing thoughts. Despite all this, I did find some ways to reduce stress and deal with life. Panic was kept to a minimum and we all made it. In the midst of all the uncertainty and fear, here is what helped me cultivate CALM as much as possible:

Do what you love. For me this meant reading and scrapbooking when I felt up to it. My sister set up a small scrapbooking area for me on the first floor of our house so I wouldn’t need to climb stairs to my craft room. Hubs took me to the library almost every week so I was always well-stocked with reading material. I spent a lot of time on Goodreads, looking for new books and authors.

Get it out. Writing and talking about things really helped me. I even had an article published concerning being a parent with a chronic illness.

Don’t isolate yourself. My health kept me from many normal activities, but I did manage a weekend with my college girlfriends, a brief visit with my coworkers, and a few family get-togethers.

Ask for help. This is not easy for many people, but being honest about my limitations and allowing people to help was one of the best moves I made during my illness. Child care, running errands, cleaning, and meal preparation were all things I couldn’t do by myself. I found that being specific about my needs gave me some control over my life but still allowed for people to help.

Seek out a support group. In addition to family and close friends, I belong to an on-line support group comprised of other individuals with my rare autoimmune disorder. Venting to people who have been there can be very cathartic!

Get professional help. When my daughters were struggling and worried that I might die, I was fairly clueless about how to help them. A few visits with a counselor gave me some good ideas and peace of mind. I found a way to balance the truth with reassurance.

CALM was definitely a challenge this year, and it wasn’t always possible. That’s ok.

“That which does not kill me makes me stronger”. -- Nietzsche

Thankful Thursday- Nostalgic Recipes

Today's post is inspired by the weekly writing prompts by Mama Kat- 
Share a favorite childhood recipe.

My mom was a baker. Especially at Christmas. I would help her bake dozens and dozens of cookies- sugar cookie cut-outs, Buckeye Balls, Russian Tea Cookies, gingersnaps, Peanut Blossoms...oh my, yum! The baking would go on for weeks, and we would freeze as we went.

I am lucky enough to be in possession of several of my mother's handwritten recipes. The baked goods themselves may not be extraordinary, but I simply LOVE that they are in her handwriting. Seeing her neat script instantly warms my heart, and reminds me of all the "I love you's"  in birthday cards, letters she sent my when I was in college, and the notes in my baby book.

Pure nostalgia.

So thankful for these old, stained pieces of her.

Every holiday season I bring out these treasured recipe cards and bake with my own children. I hope they are building the same kind of strong memories that I have!

Do you still use a recipe from your childhood?
Tell us about it in the comments!!

Other recipes you may enjoy:

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Bread

Beefy Hashbrown Bake

Tuna Stuffed Tomatoes

Living with Chronic Disease: My Mom was Chronically Ill

Me and Mom, Summer 1996, less than a year before she died.

I was in 5th grade when my mom was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. A few years after that came lupus.  She was often in pain and had low stamina. As the oldest child of four, I picked up a lot of the slack at home.

Dishes, vacuuming, taking my younger siblings to their activities- I felt like I was constantly doing "mom stuff", and often felt resentful. And there were scarey times, too.

I remember being 16, calling my mom from a friend's house to see if I could stay out later. On the phone, she was out of breath and I could hear the pain in her voice. She told me she was lying on the couch and was in too much pain to get up. I raced home to help her, my night out ruined. We spent the evening at the ER; she had broken a rib by coughing.

There were sad times, too. The summer before I entered high school her health had deteriorated so badly that my siblings and I moved in with our dad because mom was moving to Florida so her mother could care for her.

1994, High School football game

There are so many more good memories, however... She attended each and every football game I performed at as a Drill Team dancer.  She stayed up late one night typing my poetry book assignment in Junior High. Baking dozens of Christmas cookies every year. Her teaching me to crochet. Hearing her play the organ at church. The wedding dress fashion show she organized for my Girl Scout troupe. Her absolute devotion to the TV show "Dallas", but no other soap opera. She wouldn't drink coffee, only Constant Comment tea; but she still bought me a coffee pot for Christmas when I was 16.

My mother was very ill for many years before she died, yet looking back, I don't remember feeling cheated or that she wasn't a part of my life. Did I have extra chores in order to help her? Yes, so do my kids. Did I often have to stay home when she didn't feel well enough to take me to the mall? Yes, so do my kids. Was I raised to be responsible, independent, caring, and empathetic, in part because of my mother's illnesses? Yes, and so are my kids. For I am chronically ill, too.

Related articles

• Explaining Rheumatoid Arthritis to Children (everydayhealth.com)
• Two Doctors, Two Diagnoses: RA or Lupus? (everydayhealth.com)
• Rheumatoid Arthritis: Starting a Family (everydayhealth.com)

Another Post About 9/11 (Talking to Your Kids About Death)

Source: http://www.coforse.com/?tag=world-trade-center

Ten years ago I was at work when the towers went down. We huddled around the television in the conference room, work all but forgotten. My doctor's office called to reschedule my appointment because the doctor was too upset and had gone home.

The 10th anniversary of the terrorist attacks have generated lots of news coverage, bringing the topic of death up and front and center around here. Even more personal, my deteriorating health condition has recently prompted my kids to ask if I'm dying. (For the record, my condition is serious, but I'm not planning on going anywhere for a while).

At any rate, professionals seem to agree that when death for a loved one is imminent, or your kids are just at that age where they start to ask about dying, the best thing to do is talk. Keep it age appropriate, use clear terms (no "going to sleep" or "God called them to Heaven"), and reassure them about the practical stuff. Let them ask questions, and admit when you don't have the answers.

The following websites have some great information to help you with your conversations.

http://www.parenting-ed.org/handout3/General%20Parenting%20Information/death.htm

http://www.hospicenet.org/html/parent.html

http://www.virtualhospice.ca/en_US/Main+Site+Navigation/Home/Topics/Topics/Emotional+Health/Talking+with+Children+and+Youth.aspx

http://www.helpstartshere.org/health-and-wellness/living-with-illness-tip-sheet-talking-with-children-about-a-parents-serious-illness.html

Related articles

• In post-9/11 America, no one is untouched (cnn.com)
• The New Grief: How Modern Medicine Has Transformed Death... (psychcentral.com)

Family Chore Charts

Clutter makes me nuts. Dirty dishes in the sink make me nuts. Piles of laundry make me nuts. Doing all the household chores makes me nuts AND wears me out. What's a calm-seeking girl to do?

I admit we've tried a family chore chart before. It lasted for about a week, then everyone (including me) started ignoring it. This year I took a different approach. Instead of mommy/meanie/ogre handing out assignments, we sat down as a family and agreed upon specific duties, frequency, and when things are to be done. We also agreed that the assignments can be flexible to an extent.  Hopefully this will help everyone be more accountable. I found a few printable charts at the Family Fun website.

In some families, children earn an allowance for doing chores. Justin and I have always held the belief that taking care of our home is everyone's responsibility. It is expected and required from every family member. So our kids don't get an allowance for regular chores. We hope that by assigning specific duties, we are teaching our girls responsibility, time management skills, teamwork, and pride. These are more important than money! My personal added bonus is less stress and more time for things I actually enjoy doing!

How are household tasks divided up in your family? What are your feelings on allowances? I'd love to hear from you!

Related articles

• Make Conquering Housework a Habit with the 1-Minute Rule [Housework] (lifehacker.com)
• Whatever your style, devise system for keeping a clean house (commercialappeal.com)
• Age Appropriate Chores for Children (brighthub.com)

Thankful Thursday 1/20/11

Hosted by Greg's General Store

"Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have." ~from Living With Less so Your Family Has More (2010) by Jill & Mark Savage

Contentment seems to be a rare thing in today's society. Advertisements and peer pressure urge us to want and buy all manner of gadgets, toys, and other unnecessary things. In reality, we all probably have too much. This week at my house we have focused on de-cluttering. Donating seldom used clothes and toys. Throwing out broken pieces, stacks of hoarded school projects, and expired food.

I knew there was a lesson here. I said to my kids, “Look at all this stuff we're getting rid of. Look how much extra stuff we had that we didn't even need! And look at how many toys and clothes you still have left. A lot!”

To my surprise, they agreed with me. We discussed, not for the first time, about donating to those less fortunate than us. We talked about how lucky we are to have a house, enough food to eat, and warm clothes. We talked about being happy with what we have, and not being upset when we don't get the newest Barbie, Zhu Zhu pet, or video game.

Privately, I reviewed my own spending habits. I, too, am swayed by commercials, “sales”, and emails from my favorite craft companies. I decided to remove my name from most of these automated lists. Less temptation, less spending. Less unnecessary stuff.

This week I am thankful for the opportunity to teach my children about contentment, and to practice it myself.

Before I was a Mom

“Before I was a Mom” was a writing prompt supplied by Mama Kat.




Before I was a mom, I stayed up late and slept in on the weekends. Now I still stay up late and am up early every day.

Before I was a mom, I partied with my friends and went out dancing. Now I party with Hannah Montana and dance in my living room.

Before I was a mom, I did one load of laundry a week. Now I do about six.

Before I was a mom, a party consisted of friends, beer, music and snacks. Now a party requires weeks of planning, a theme, decorations, and goodie bags.

Before I was a mom, any clutter lying around was my own. Now I look at all the toys and kids flotsam and wonder if adults even live here.

Before I was a mom, I worried about getting concert tickets to rock shows. Now I worry about getting tickets for Disney on Ice.

Before I was a mom, I was compulsively punctual. Now “on time” means at least 15 minutes late.

Before I was a mom, “dinner out” included wine and candles. Now it includes kids meals and cheap toys.

Before I was a mom, I thought I had it all figured out. Now I know I never will.

So many changes, and on paper they all sound like I'm giving up a lot. What these changes don't reflect is the fact that my heart has grown exponentially, I have learned the virtue of patience, and a hug from chubby little arms beats a dance with a cute guy in a bar any day.

Before I was a mom, I never knew how strong love could be. Now I know the “I would jump in front of a speeding bus to save you” power of it.

I'll take a 2 liter of Coke, a pack of gum, and oh yeah, some porn.

Last Saturday I was out running errands and just messing around town with my two daughters. Our last stop was my favorite drive-through, the one that hands out Dum-Dum suckers to little kids in backseats. (This photo does not depict the establishment in question). As I waited in line behind two other cars, I noticed an addition to the familiar beer-snack-and-soda lined tunnel- a large white magazine rack. Intrigued, I leaned out my window as I drew closer, then suddenly blurted out, "Oh my GOD, is that  PORN"?? 

Indeed it was, confirmed not only by my own eyes, but also by the man standing beside the register. Front and center, in between the gum and the beef jerky. Not even behind the counter.  Alerted by my outburst, the girls were now noticing the magazines, too.  "Mommy, why is that lady wearing her underwear with no clothes?" asked Vivian, age 5. Morgan, age 7, chimed in with, "Skin is a funny name for a magazine"! (Well, my dear, so is Hustler and Juggs). Oh wow, I am completely not ready for such conversations. 

I politely tell the cashier that I will be going somewhere else from now on. I explain that my kids know enough to ask questions, and I don't think it's appropriate to have porn in plain sight. He looks at me as if I have two heads. "But, you can't even see anything!" he protests.

I shrug and drive down the street to another drive-through. I make my purchases, all is well, and then I see them. More smutty magazines! Just off to the right of the exit door! Apparently from now on I will have to haul my butt out of the car and go in to an actual store when I need to pick up a few concessions.

I'm not uptight. I'm not a prude. I think adults should have access to such things if they want. Just NOT in view of my very young, questioning, and impressionable daughters. Ick. So, am I asking too much here? Have you seen porn popping up in unexpected places?


How to have conversations about difficult topics with your kids
Talking to your kids about sex
Media and girls
Girls and self esteem

Things Kids Hate to Hear

My husband and I have been very frustrated with our oldest daughter lately. She has been whiney, disrespectful, and not listening to instructions. Last night I said some things to her that I wish I hadn't. We've all been there, right? So this morning I apologized to her and looked up this list I had read a while back.

Things Kids Hate to Hear

Can't you do anything right?

When will you ever learn?

What is wrong with you?

You are lazy.

You are stupid.

You are so immature.

Who do you think you are?

You'll be the death of me yet.

Haven't I taught you anything?

You're just no good.

You'll never amount to anything.

You got what you deserved.

You need your head examined.

Don't you care about anything?

What makes you think you're so special?

I've had it with you.

All you ever do is cause trouble.

Just wait until you have kids.

Don't you ever listen?

When are you going to start obeying me?

If I've told you once, I've told you a million times...

(taken from "Lists to Live By, Third Collection"

compiled by Alice Gray, Steve Stephens, and John Van Diest)

I will admit I am guilty of saying some of these exact phrases to my kids. Heck, I've even said some of them to my spouse. Of course this is not how I want to interact with those I love.One of my New Year's resolutions was to think three good things about someone when I get angry or upset with them. Until last night, I never really thought about applying that to children. But maybe it's even more important to parenting than to my interactions with adults. Children need predictable, firm, loving parents to guide them, not demean them. Especially with my children, I want to teach by example, build their confidence, instill healthy respect, and correct them calmly and rationally.

 I'm not a perfect parent; it doesn't always happen this way. But every time I screw up I remind myself of how I want to be, and I am thankful that I get another chance to get it right tomorrow.