On Love

This is my summer of love. Loving myself, loving my partner, loving what is. Of course this is good to do at all times, but this particular season, this love is my sole focus. A person cannot transmit what they don't have. This fact is known by many in recovery & other spiritual affiliations, but how often is it practiced? That's a question we must face within ourselves. Am I transmitting what I have? Or is what I'm giving tainted by ego, fear and in the end not really helping to make a true difference in the world?

I'm as guilty as anyone, who believes in being of service, of misguided motivations. Trying to help when it really hinders progress or something similar. And those mistakes are alright because I've learned well by good intentions followed by less-than-good actions or vice versa. That is probably why is it so important to be connected to higher power at every possible moment. I may have mentioned on this blog before how it seems much easier to turn my will & life over to HP in my living room, than when I'm out in the world interacting with other people. I forget to ask for HP's words, thoughts & guidance in every single moment. But I believe I'm not the only one.

Loving myself means believing in myself and the gifts HP has given me. Loving myself means no matter what, taking the time to eat well, get enough rest & relaxation. It means time for reverence, stillness and having fun. It means ignoring negativity from others & making friends with my inner critic.

Loving my partner has several elements too. My beloved is so sweet, so loving, so supportive. And she is deeply committed to me, as I am her. So this season, it is important to keep her & our relationship high on my list of priorities. This means attention, gratefulness & patience.

Lastly this season I wish to love what is. Meaning being in acceptance of everything, even things that at first don't make sense or that I don't even like. It means being willing to see the lesson, believe in the journey & have the willingness to connect to the greater mysteries of not-so-great events.

I think it's going to be a great summer. I wish each of you the same!

~F

Long Time, No Post

For those who live in areas where you haven't have your LGBTQ2s pride celebrations I want to wish you a happy Pride! Portland's was good as far as I could tell. This year I skipped the normal large gathering at the waterfront & focused on time with close queer friends. It was a good, emotional and busy weekend and my sweetie & I got to do all the activities we wanted. I'm glad it's over though & think next year, I wish to go out of town or something. I'm just losing my taste for queer only type things. In fact I seem to be losing my taste for specific group issues, communities & events. Funny since my blog is titled in such a way!

For a while I've been interested in a more global focus to my activism. Not always centering of just Americans of color or queers or women. But really finding a way to creatively do works for those in places where they may not have a voice, regardless of their backgrounds or identifications. After the last few weeks I've had, with a death, a son who needs help, & a complete breakdown in positive communication with a group I was volunteering for, I just feel the time is ripe to refocus on what is really important to my work & re-energize my body, mind & soul.

My sobriety sponsor walked me through the hardest days of the last few weeks. And has suggested something radical. She told me to have fun. Fun! I nearly forgot how to do that for a while but I do agree with her that a break from service and a focus on my own joy will be what I need to go on to the next journey. So I get to be a little selfish & do what is needed to remember the core of my life & work. This weekend I went with my beloved to the Avalon & played video games until my fingers were sore. It was great. We watched movies at home in in the theater (btw the new M. Night Shyamalan movie is not very good) and went dancing on Saturday night. It was just what I needed to start a summer of R&R.

Also I began doing the Artists Way program starting with the morning pages. Holy crap is it amazing how much I look forward each day to 3 pages of non-stop writing. It's really a meditation than just some creativity exercises. I'm excited to go deeper into the weekly exercises!

Anyway my Rob Brezney horoscope for the week really set the tone for where I need to be not only right now but always. I'm looking forward to a soulful summer. Peace!

You really have no right to tear yourself down. Badmouthing yourself is a first-degree sin, and so is being mean to yourself or depriving yourself of the care you need to thrive. This is always true, of course, but in the coming week it's more crucial than ever that you refrain from even the subtlest forms of self-abuse. To be anything less than an imaginative lover and nurturer toward yourself could upset the cosmic equilibrium so profoundly that everyone else would suffer, too. Therefore, you owe it to the rest of us to shower yourself with blessings.

*update*

I darn near forgot about a moment I wanted to share. Saturday night after going to a pride party downtown my sweet & I went to Holocene to check out their Dj's. The music sounded fun but we were tuckered out & wanted to relax without necessarily going home yet. We landed up the block at Rimsky's and ordered tea while listening to The Beatles. As we chatted quietly in a corner the song Blackbird came on. It's a song I like but have only heard a few times. As the song played we happened to be discussing my own personal re-emerging & re-energizing. My ears heard the following words sung:

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise."

Tears came to my eyes as my partner looked into me, holding my heart with such an expression of understanding and love. In that moment I felt broken & whole. Sadness and hope. I knew from that moment that many beautiful moments are ahead for me & us. Deep inside my body was a feeling of absolute acceptance for the past, present and future. The song was indeed the clear signal that this little bird is ready to fly. Peace.

Friday Links No Mo'. And a Bunch of Other Stuff!

I can't do it. I tried to have some damn discipline with this blog & do something regularly & consistently but right now at this time in my life that ain't gonna happen. Sometimes we have to accept that failure is an option. So for now I have failed at posting great links that I love every single Friday. And for now that's okay. Because I can always try again or try in a way that is different & even better. So for now no Friday link lovin'. I'll still keep all y'all informed of great links I find but it will be back to the randomness that is a trademark of QWOC blog.

So with that I'd like to mention some yummy Internet goodies I found this week. Let's take a look shall we?

My beautiful pal Zee has BlogHer ads on her blog & for the first time one ad actually got my attention. It's called ModestNeeds.org. Here is thier mission:
To prevent otherwise financially self-sufficient individuals and families from entering the cycle of poverty, when this might be avoided with a small amount of well-timed financial assistance;
To restore the financial self-sufficiency of individuals who are willing to work but are temporarily unable to do so because they do not have the means to remit payment for a work-related expense;
and To empower permanently disadvantaged individuals who otherwise live within their limited means to continue to live independently, despite a temporary, unexpected financial set-back.

There are some really neat points to this charity including that it is an accredited charity of the BBB (Better Business Bureau), it's tax deductible and best, 65% of the folks who utilize funds from Modest Needs become donors themselves. The whole point of Modest Needs is to keep otherwise self sufficient folks from floating into a sea of poverty over 1 or two sudden emergencies. It's not meant for folks who are constantly needing help. It's just working or middle class folks helping each other. I think it's a lovely cause!


Okay so switching gears a bit here is something I stumbled upon a couple months ago. It's called the Happiness Manifesto. It can be adjusted by each individual but it goes a little something like this...

1. Get physical. Engage in half an hour of exercise three times a week
2. Count your blessings. At the end of each day, reflect on at least five things you are grateful for
3. Talk time. Have an hour-long - uninterrupted - conversation with your partner or closest friend each week
4. Plant something. Even if it's a window box or pot. And, you must keep it alive
5. Cut your TV viewing by half
6. Smile at and/or say hello to someone you don't know. At least once each day
7. Phone a friend. Make contact with a friend or relation you have not talked to for a while and arrange to meet up
8. Have a good laugh at least once a day
9. Every day make sure you give yourself a treat. Take time to really enjoy this
10. Daily kindness. Do an extra good turn for someone each day

Things have been increasingly busy for me since mid 2007. So I think this happiness manifesto is a positive way of staying on track, during times of good & bad stress. I'll post (hopefully) regular, but random updates on how I'm living this manifesto & what some of my thoughts, feelings & experiences with it are. Anyone care to join me?

And now the dear diary portion of this post. So life has been great and very busy as many of you know. It's gotten busier with great things & I'm so grateful! My only issue is I don't know how to balance a beautiful life. Chaos, drama, ugly moments are easy. I know that stuff. I'm in recovery for a reason after all! So I'm taking baby steps all over again it feels like. Learning how to have success and joy & a productive healthy life is something I have worked so hard to have in this life & now it's here & by golly it's a little (a lot) hard to navigate these waters. Thank goddess for recovery & friends who have experience in (gosh this sounds silly, but it's the truth of where I'm at!) being happy & following their dreams & talents. These folks are helping me remember to stay in each moment and really relish in the gift that each moment has. And doing lots of various step work & going to regular meetings helps more than I can say. Who knew I'd need more meetings in health than pain?!

So as I continue this path I'm reminded that today is meant to be taken in bites. That the creator & it's angels are really here right now, even as I type these words. All I (or we) have to do is keep breathing, keep trying & keep up the faith. No matter how good or bad things get. Peace y'all!

~F

Let me Finger What Drives You

A few days ago My sweetie & I were walking down Burnside. A Street known for being quite busy for vehicles & pedestrains alike. As we started to cross the street a car (and it's driver) pulled all the way into the crosswalk making us go around the vehicle & into the dangerously busy street. Passing the car & lady driver I without much thought flipped her the bird. Personally I hate it when drivers do this especially on busy roads and my first reaction is to flip folks off. It beats what I used to do in my more agro days when I'd kick the cars or throw drinks on them.

But what does flipping the bird to these folks really accomplish? Does it really make me feel better? Does it change their behavior making them less reckless & more considerate? I doubt my hostility, however dramatic or mild makes anyone do anything the way I wish them to. And it's these kinds of exchanges that can be subtle & easy to miss as a chance for empowerment, kindness & understanding. No matter how in how wrong the other person is how can the experience be used as on e of those oh-so-fun growth opportunities?

I guess in the end it's all about how I'm feeling at the end of the moment. As with many things I feel utterly compelled to do, I find once the moment of obsession or iritation or amazement passes, so does the need to react to it. And often I find when I resist my first impulse, I was glad I didn't follow through with whatever appeared to satiate my desires at the time. In the end do I want to pretend that flipping off somene will make me get my due revenge? In the end do I want the other person to feel my anger, how ever fleeting, and pretend they'll be more conscientious because of it? These are the questions I need to ask myself if I truly wish to live in the tradition of non-violence.

Violence can be a subtle as flipping the bird to a momentary perceived "enemy." It's not acting out of peace & the belief in the inherent goodness or godliness that resides in us all. So now I must stretch my heart to fit that which my mind already knows. Because I like myself & who I am. I enjoy doing things that make the world a better place & allow me to be the instrument of love that I'm meant to be. My fear of oncoming traffic and reaction to that fear by giving drivers the finger doesn't solve much & doesn't allow for the truth of the situation. So I'll continue to watch for tho moments where I feel a need to react and remember in those moments who I really am.

Still Sick/Yummy Chili/Example of Internet Activism

I'm still sick with that effing sinus thing (aka "the crud") and too boot I think I may have candida. I see my naturopath tomorrow & hope she can help heal me before I present my workshop on Saturday. Last thing I need is for a group of my sisters & brothers hearing me hack, snort & wheeze my way through the session. So here's my chili recipe, which my beloved said was the best chili she ever had and even though she has to say nice stuff about my cookin', I know when she's really impressed by a dish.

Fran's Garden Steak Chili
1 1/2 lbs of organic steak chopped (I like hangar steak especially because there's little fat after cooking and it has a rich flavor & texture)
3 1/2 cups water
1 28oz. can of diced or stewed tomatoes
1 6oz can tomato paste
1 can black beans (rinsed)
1 can kidney beans (rinsed)
1 cup frozen or canned corn
1 green bell pepper
1 red bell pepper
1 large carrot
4-6 cloves garlic chopped
1 medium onion chopped
1 1/2 tsp. chili powder
1/2 tsp. red chili flakes
1/2 tsp. freshly ground black pepper
1 very small lemon
1/4 cup molasses
sea salt to taste
2 tbsp. olive oil

In a dutch oven on medium high heat coat bottom with olive oil & brown the steak and add garlic & onions. Saute a few minutes then add water, tomato paste & diced tomatoes. Allow to the mixture to get to boiling then turn heat to medium low and add the rest of the ingredients and squeeze the juice from the lemon into the pot. Cook for 1 hour stirring occasionally. Then turn heat to low & simmer another 2 hours. Serve with freshly baked cornbread and sprinkle sharp cheddar cheese on top of chili.

Now in news outside of my own little world...
One great example of Internet activism happened last week when CNN posted a story about Black women voters and their "dilemma" with having to choose between a female presidential candidate and a Black male one. Now I'm not sure how many comments that initial story got but there was so much reaction, so many folks commented, that CNN had to post another story later that day about the reactions to their story. Wow! My favorite gossip blog Jezebel reported on the story and noted one commenter that CNN also noticed named Tiffany who said:

"Duh, I'm a black woman and here I am at the voting booth. Duh, since I'm illiterate I'll pull down the lever for someone. Hm... Well, he black so I may vote for him... oh wait she a woman I may vote for her... What Ise gon' do? Oh lordy!"

A few of the commenter's on the Jezebel blog thought Tiffany was a rawk star saying things like:

"Buy that woman a drink", "Tiffany seems like an awesome lady", "Dear Tiffany, you have my vote" and "Tiffany, I can be biffle with yuo." (huh!) Anyway it seems like Tiffany by daring to speak up and use humor at the same time made a lot of people's day that day, especially mine.

This Internet interaction illustrates the power of people of color speaking out. To the point CNN had to take notice and reflect on it's narrow focus. Congrats to Tiffany, all the responders and CNN for taking the time to change the world just a little bit.

It's moments like that that give me hope to keep going, keep being an activist and love life. Reminds me of something Martin Luther King Jr. once said:
"Almost always the creative dedicated minority has made the world better."-Martin Luther King Jr.

Peace y'all!
~F

Inspiration & Striving for Equality

I found the below passage to be an inspiration. It reminded me of my own dealings with oppression.

It's been interesting seeing some people's reaction to the Panhandling for Reparations coverage. I know there are many who read the article & felt inspired, happy & simply acknowledged. Others I knew would view the performances in a totally different way. Though I was unprepared for the nation wide coverage I was also unprepared for the backlash of racism toward Black folks that was spewed from Internet comments.

Writing things like "they're just gonna use the money for 40's" or "they already have reparations. It's called welfare" was at best troubling. To sum up our whole intentions and performances in such a way is obviously disappointing. But I remain grateful that conversations are taking place that were meaningful to many people. I believe in that & will keep on doing the work that needs to be done for all minorities in the United States to have true equality.

"At first I was passive, let one man saddle me and ride for a while. He laughed at the illusion of my weakness. But I suddenly rose up and bucked him off and broke his arm. Another man tried to ride me, but I threw him and so many others, until I was lathered in sweat and blood from their spurs and rifle butts. It was glorious. Finally they gave up, quit, and led me to the back of the train. They could not break me. Some wanted to kill me for my arrogance, but others respected my anger, my refusal to admit defeat. I lived that day, even escaped Colonel Wright, and galloped into other histories."
-From the story "The Trial of Thomas Builds-The-Fire" by Sherman Alexie

Peace y'all!
~F