On Love

This is my summer of love. Loving myself, loving my partner, loving what is. Of course this is good to do at all times, but this particular season, this love is my sole focus. A person cannot transmit what they don't have. This fact is known by many in recovery & other spiritual affiliations, but how often is it practiced? That's a question we must face within ourselves. Am I transmitting what I have? Or is what I'm giving tainted by ego, fear and in the end not really helping to make a true difference in the world?

I'm as guilty as anyone, who believes in being of service, of misguided motivations. Trying to help when it really hinders progress or something similar. And those mistakes are alright because I've learned well by good intentions followed by less-than-good actions or vice versa. That is probably why is it so important to be connected to higher power at every possible moment. I may have mentioned on this blog before how it seems much easier to turn my will & life over to HP in my living room, than when I'm out in the world interacting with other people. I forget to ask for HP's words, thoughts & guidance in every single moment. But I believe I'm not the only one.

Loving myself means believing in myself and the gifts HP has given me. Loving myself means no matter what, taking the time to eat well, get enough rest & relaxation. It means time for reverence, stillness and having fun. It means ignoring negativity from others & making friends with my inner critic.

Loving my partner has several elements too. My beloved is so sweet, so loving, so supportive. And she is deeply committed to me, as I am her. So this season, it is important to keep her & our relationship high on my list of priorities. This means attention, gratefulness & patience.

Lastly this season I wish to love what is. Meaning being in acceptance of everything, even things that at first don't make sense or that I don't even like. It means being willing to see the lesson, believe in the journey & have the willingness to connect to the greater mysteries of not-so-great events.

I think it's going to be a great summer. I wish each of you the same!

~F

Long Time, No Post

For those who live in areas where you haven't have your LGBTQ2s pride celebrations I want to wish you a happy Pride! Portland's was good as far as I could tell. This year I skipped the normal large gathering at the waterfront & focused on time with close queer friends. It was a good, emotional and busy weekend and my sweetie & I got to do all the activities we wanted. I'm glad it's over though & think next year, I wish to go out of town or something. I'm just losing my taste for queer only type things. In fact I seem to be losing my taste for specific group issues, communities & events. Funny since my blog is titled in such a way!

For a while I've been interested in a more global focus to my activism. Not always centering of just Americans of color or queers or women. But really finding a way to creatively do works for those in places where they may not have a voice, regardless of their backgrounds or identifications. After the last few weeks I've had, with a death, a son who needs help, & a complete breakdown in positive communication with a group I was volunteering for, I just feel the time is ripe to refocus on what is really important to my work & re-energize my body, mind & soul.

My sobriety sponsor walked me through the hardest days of the last few weeks. And has suggested something radical. She told me to have fun. Fun! I nearly forgot how to do that for a while but I do agree with her that a break from service and a focus on my own joy will be what I need to go on to the next journey. So I get to be a little selfish & do what is needed to remember the core of my life & work. This weekend I went with my beloved to the Avalon & played video games until my fingers were sore. It was great. We watched movies at home in in the theater (btw the new M. Night Shyamalan movie is not very good) and went dancing on Saturday night. It was just what I needed to start a summer of R&R.

Also I began doing the Artists Way program starting with the morning pages. Holy crap is it amazing how much I look forward each day to 3 pages of non-stop writing. It's really a meditation than just some creativity exercises. I'm excited to go deeper into the weekly exercises!

Anyway my Rob Brezney horoscope for the week really set the tone for where I need to be not only right now but always. I'm looking forward to a soulful summer. Peace!

You really have no right to tear yourself down. Badmouthing yourself is a first-degree sin, and so is being mean to yourself or depriving yourself of the care you need to thrive. This is always true, of course, but in the coming week it's more crucial than ever that you refrain from even the subtlest forms of self-abuse. To be anything less than an imaginative lover and nurturer toward yourself could upset the cosmic equilibrium so profoundly that everyone else would suffer, too. Therefore, you owe it to the rest of us to shower yourself with blessings.

*update*

I darn near forgot about a moment I wanted to share. Saturday night after going to a pride party downtown my sweet & I went to Holocene to check out their Dj's. The music sounded fun but we were tuckered out & wanted to relax without necessarily going home yet. We landed up the block at Rimsky's and ordered tea while listening to The Beatles. As we chatted quietly in a corner the song Blackbird came on. It's a song I like but have only heard a few times. As the song played we happened to be discussing my own personal re-emerging & re-energizing. My ears heard the following words sung:

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise."

Tears came to my eyes as my partner looked into me, holding my heart with such an expression of understanding and love. In that moment I felt broken & whole. Sadness and hope. I knew from that moment that many beautiful moments are ahead for me & us. Deep inside my body was a feeling of absolute acceptance for the past, present and future. The song was indeed the clear signal that this little bird is ready to fly. Peace.

Forgiveness

I've been thinking about & practicing forgiveness a lot so far this month. Been thinking too about love and how much I'd like every moment, thought and decision to be based in love and how hard that can be in the "smaller" moments of life.

This week I met with an old friend. She & I became tight after a few years & at one point I lived with her & her wife in their spare room. After the break up of one of my relationships, this friend & her wife not only stayed friends with the ex, but seemed to hang out even more with the ex than me. I felt my friends were being disloyal and promptly ended the friendship after a huge yelling match on the phone.

This old friend & I eventually ran into each other at a gay pride a couple years ago, about 2 years after our fight, and hugged & re-exchanged numbers but never contacted each other. Recently this old friend was at the same place I was & we chatted briefly but it was awkward & just sort of weird I guess. So I extended an olive branch & texted her asking if she'd like to get together. After a few voice & text messages we got together this weekend and caught up on each other's lives.

It was great to see her again and I felt good basking in our familiarity and connection. It wasn't scary or very hard. But I wondered when to bring up what has kept us apart. Finally after we had caught up we stood under a tree near my home, watching the rain fall upon the ground & hugged for a long while & told each other we were sorry. All the details seemed to be said in the hug and I once again felt that she was my friend. And though I admit I will take my time trusting her again, I will try to be a good friend to her if that is our path. Slowly, slowly, slowly.

Terrible things happen to people all the time. Every minute of the day. Small things & very tragic things. How do we love when someone simply annoys us? How do we forgive when our bodies & minds are pushed to the limits by pain inflicted by others? Where do we start? And what is the point?

Three different situations that involved pain I learned of from friends this weekend. One more terrible than the next. Each friend I honor & yet I feel so helpless because I know they have to go though their pain & get to the place in their own time, of forgiveness, so they can be free to fully love.

But I also listened to stories of transcendence. The ability to love & forgive & have compassion in situations that seemed unforgivable. I'd like to share two of the stories.

Julio Diaz

Hector Black

For more stories please check out StoryCorps. Also if you're struggling with forgiveness please try this wonderful online ritual. Peace!

~F