I is for I

1.

I is for I don't know. 

That's pretty much my mantra anymore. 

I don't know about teenagers or what is going on in this world or why COVID is the weirdest thing that ever happened or the internet. All the things, I just don't know. 

When I pray, it's mostly just me saying I don't know, I don't know, etc.

And I swear to you this has been me for a long time, so today when I saw this artwork thingy on instagram:

I was like: um what. who highjacked my picture and my thoughts and put them on the internet?

So yeah,  I don't know. 

2. Avery is sitting here telling me about middle school stuff, friends who have crushes and stuff like that, and I have to promise not to tell their mom. 

Andrew came along and interrupted us to read his table of contents for the book he is writing. Koda is laying on my feet. Jim is beside me studying pilot stuff because he is flying for the first time as captain on Sunday. Evan is drumming on his practice pad. I can't wait for him to get that snare drum he asked for.  

3. Me and Jim and Koda walk around Lincoln park in the dark while Evan is at basketball practice. 

Jim brings a bright flashlight and I wear a dim headlamp. The cold air feels so good as we walk up and down the trails. 

Tuesday a baby owl flew and landed on this branch in front of us. It was so cute. Fluffy. Eyes glued on Koda. Mama hooting deep in the forest. 

4. This dang dog. So many times throughout the day I yell "I hate you!" to her, but I don't hate her. 

She is a stinker, but she's also lovely. She's a good dog. So loyal. So cuddly. 

It's hard to explain how you can have two extreme feelings for something, but I feel so much comfort and love from her. She just wants to be right next to us. Right at my feet as I make dinner. 

One night I felt crappy and I was laying in bed trying to sleep it off, and she lay right by my legs. The feeling of her warm, loving body next to me felt so...healing.

Jim is her absolute boyfriend. She licks his face OFF in the morning. 

5. One night Andrew sat by Jim and asked "do you like being a dad?"

He laughed and said yes and they talked about stuff. 

6. Guys. When I think about Alex Trebek not being in this world anymore, I can't believe it. 

 He's childhood staple. It means I'm so old. It means Jeopardy will never be the same. 

7. There are three shepherds in this picture. Me Lisa and Lindsay take our dog pack to the rockpile and it just hit me today that for some reason we each have a shepherd. How did we get there? Covid. 

The last third of the walk is in the dark because the sun goes down so early, and we refuse to be bossed around by the dark anymore. 

8. A Galbraith sesh where the boys took the dogs, then "rinsed" them off in a nearby ditch.

Then we go eat a burger at 5 Guys.

9. Avery got braces! What a dang teenager, right? 

10. Yesterday Me and Roxanne climbed up Chuckanut mountain. I love it so much. 

She has teenagers, so she helps me wade through this new territory. 

Every single mom who has teenagers says the following:

"I don't know"

and somehow that is very helpful. 

And this: 

all the water in the world can't sink a boat unless the water gets inside that boat.

10. Sunday for family home evening we took turns showing our best dance moves and then everyone said something nice about that person - "let your words tend to edifying one another."

Andrew did some amazing break dance moves. I don't even know where he learned/saw break dancing, but it was amazing.

Then I told Alexa to play some dance music and I danced and the children were so embarrassed. Avery literally hid her face and told me to stop. Evan die laughed. 

No one else would dance, but we still said nice things to each other. 

mommmm. stopppp. 

11. Evan made these snowmen out of the first snow of the season.

12. Avery made this wreath in her horticulture class. 

Mother's Day

There's a good picture. 

Then Robert yelled "Happy Mother's Day!"

and I yelled back "You too!"

The boys played cars in the morning before church. I love when they do that. 

After church me and Koda walked around the forest for an hour.

The Lily of the Valley was so fragrant. Perfume filled the air. 

Koda can you smell that?

We had grilled tri-tip and potatoes and strawberries with whipped cream.

During sacrament meeting, Evan went to the bathroom and came back with a molar in his hand that he plucked from his mouth.

Then he lost the tooth and thought that it was a huge tragedy, so I told him to write the tooth fairy (me) a note and it would all be ok.

He wrote this note, then reread it out loud to me and Avery. His misplaced pronoun makes it sound like the counter top is a she and that the counter top ate his tooth. He MEANT to say that probably Koda ate it.

But it was so funny to us. Me and Avery and Evan died laughing at the notion that the counter top ate his tooth.

Tonight I was in the shower and Andrew came in, telling me about his theme park. He talks about it in a voice like he is on YouTube doing a review of the rides. 

He points out specific details that are a part of the park. 

These are all rides he invented in his brain that he is critiquing. 

He asked me a question and I said, annoyed: "I'm in the shower! (so get out!)", 

and he said, "I can still talk to you", 

and I thought...yeah I guess you can. It's only a matter of time before he no longer comes into the bathroom and chatters on and on about his made up theme park.

So he continued to talk, and all I had to do is say "uh huh" every so often. 

When my mom was here visiting, after a few days she told me: "Evan loves you. You are his person."

I guess she noticed how he always comes and checks in with me, telling me what he's doing, telling me the status of all the things, coming to me when he has any kind of discomfort. 

He and I are at our best when we are one on one. I have been bringing him - only him - grocery shopping with me. He is a great helper - loves to push the cart and load and unload.

One day we went to WinCo and it turns out they don't take credit cards, and credit cards are all I had. So we had to put our cart full of goods in the walk-in freezer, then go to my bank down the street and withdraw CASH so that we could make our purchase. 

It was such a hilarious adventure to Evan. When we walked back into WinCo with our wad of money, he made hilarious kingly gestures, announcing our arrival with the required funds. 

Avery is my oldest child, only girl. She gets to do all the things the boys don't get to, but keeps it a secret so they don't know. Like, right now she is staying up as late as she wants to read her book. And earlier today I gave her a handful of chocolate chips and said "don't tell the boys."

She never ever complains when I ask for help. She is always thankful. 

The other day I started singing the song she made up and sang  when she first learned to ride a bike. She used to sing it as she flew down Sagebrush Lane: 

AND YOU! YOU'RE GOING...YOU'RE A WINNER TO ME!"

Anyway, this completely embarrassed her that I would bring up such a memory, and she cried and got so mad at me. Which is to say: she's growing up and getting embarrassed at things that I would have never expected. 

This is the current state of motherhood that I am in. 

Give or take a million other things. 

March

Let's March right into spring, shall we? My favorite time of year. 

We had some parent/teacher conferences this month. 

Remember that Andrew is Lloyd? It's official on his IEP document. 

Avery and her friends planned and executed a giant "late over" at our house one night. 

Then they went across the street to Bea's house to sleep. 

I mean "sleep". 

They were up until 2ish. No more sleepovers. I hate them. 

This is a good boy activity. 

They were kept so busy for hours poking those sticks at the fire. 

I think it's important they learn fire boundaries. I kept half an eye on them. 

We went on a lovely walk in the sunshine one March day. Neighbor dogs Britta and Stevie joined us with their humans. 

Here's a thing about Evan: he takes on the age and personality of the kids he's around. Like when we are around 4 year olds, he is one of the 4 year olds. 

So it was interesting when the dogs jumped out of the car and started running around and sniffing everywhere - he became the personality of the dogs. He ran around and sniffed and chased and did the dog thing. He hung out with the dogs the whole "walk". haha 

Also Evan is really good at helping me make "rip and dip" (which is what we call pancakes). 

He comes over and flips them before they get "burned" (golden brown). 

He likes them to be "vanilla" (barely cooked). 

Then he says - every time - "I need to get out my handy dandy tinker bell plate".

Explanation: we have this Tinkerbell plate Avery got from her third birthday party, and Evan uses it to put the cooked pancakes on. He carefully transfers the "vanilla" pancakes from the skillet to the plate with his spatula. 

Then the kids use their hands to RIP the pancakes and DIP them into the syrup. 

That way I don't have to cut them into bite size pieces. 

So I guess "women's day" is a thing. I didn't know about it, but Avery did, and she insisted we had special women day together. 

We went on a bike ride to the gas station to pick out treats, then we 

watched Wild Hearts Can't be Broken (I used to have that movie memorized).

Soccer started! All the things have started! We are moving at break neck speed around here. 

(Except not this week because it's spring break, so we are heading down to San Diego.) 

But between Avery's soccer (I'm the coach), Evan's baseball, and Andrew's soccer (on a team with Hunter!) we are at the fields 5 out of the 7 days a week. 

Plus subbing plus young womens plus laundry and grocery shopping and all that nonsense. 

Sometimes I look at my neighbor Jessica sitting out on her porch with her two kids that aren't in school yet...and I remember that life of just hanging out with my babies. I've said this before; it's nothing new, but man...what a different world that was. Different hard. Different frustrations. 

But I miss those days when the children were just an extension of me and my agency. 

While we are heading down this nostalgia road: 

let's talk about Pearl Jam.

In our new car we have three free months of XM Radio. So we listen to Pearl Jam station.

.

The other day on our way to school, I was driving with my three kids back there in their seatbelts and a Pearl Jam song came on (Release from Ten... "I'll ride the wave...where it takes me..."), and I just got hit in the face with the realization that this great song was playing from my youth, but now I am a mom driving my car full of kids to school. 

I announced to my car full of kids: 

"Children, this is Pearl Jam."

"I first heard this album on a school bus as we were driving home from a track meet in Eureka Nevada. Chad Anglin lent me his "tape" and I listened to it on my "walkman" the whole ride home.

After every song I was like: 

what. 

is.

 this?" 

"And now this album is in the annals of history and the greatness has come and gone and we've moved on to other things, but this is my very own history, children."

It just seems like time is doing funny things. 

It's hard to articulate the slight of hand time has pulled on me. 

Anyway. 

There's my kindergartner in his first concert. He was so shy and great. 

He does this nervous thing where he bites and chews and eats the sleeves of his clothes. 

By the time it's summer, all his long sleeves will be short sleeves. 

Mother's Day Weekend

I am a bit obsessed with my garden/yard right now. All I want to do is plant things and watch things grow.

In general, gardening is a fun activity, right?  But I wonder if I am partly going nuts over it because I have this need and urge to nurture, but my kids are in the stage of life that if I "nurture" them too much, I am doing them a disservice. I have really been working on stepping back and making them do more for themselves and more around the house. It strangely hard for me. But I'm also ready to do less "work" for them. 

In exchange, I go out and water and mulch and stare at all my pretty plants. 

My peonies have lots of buds! I was expecting three years before they flowered, but here we are at year two. 

Here's the thing with peonies: they remind me of Avery because they bloom right around her birthday. I imagine that they are me when I was pregnant with her - bursting at the seams just waiting for her arrival. Any day now, the flowers will be here. 

We added a fairy garden to our yard. Another addiction I work hard at controlling. haha But have you seen all the cute things they have at Joannes? I cannot help myself. I must buy it all. 

(I've added way more stuff since this pic was taken)

My spring garden. Still so sparse and bare. I stare at it for hours. 

Against this fence I have planted flowers that grow tall: larkspur, sunflower, hollyhocks, lavender, zinnias ( and raspberries there on the far left with all kinds of buds ready to turn into real fruit any minute!). 

A few things I have bought starts, and a few I am growing from seed. 

For some reason my little seedlings are my favorite. Here are some daisies that will eventually go near the fairy garden. 

Jim has been working on the fence. If he's gonna do a job, he's gonna do it the most top notch, high quality way possible. 

My hydrangea. 

I stare obsessively. I google how to get the best hydrangea results. I sprinkle Sluggo all around her to keep those pests away. 

Fuchsia. 

I had to look up how to spell them.

The neatest flowers. 

So anyway, this mothers day weekend was fun and full. 

Friday we went out to eat and then played at the park/beach. I thought this beach debris may be a door to a space shuttle pod that splashed down to the ocean after orbit. But then I realized it's more likely a piece from a boat. 

Evan out there, walking to Canada.

Saturday evening after winning our last soccer game of the season, we had a huge barbecue at our house for Lisa's birthday. 

It was fun and all, but I'm never doing it again. Ha. Less people is more anyway. 

My friend/neighbor made this amazing cake. 

Sunday - Mothers Day - was a great day. 

It always is. I love waking up to cards and homemade gifts. 

After church and dinner, me and the boys walked down to the forest to dink around. They were pleasant and I had fun following them around. 

One of the gifts Avery gave me was this necklace with a her thumbprint and a poem: "Thumbody Loves You."

Evan gave me a marigold in a pot: "My love blooms for you".

Andrew gave me a picture with his painted handprints making a sunflower, his picture in the middle: "You are my sunshine".

The other day one of my children took off his bandaid, smelled it, then said "this actually smells pretty good!", then held it up to my nose to smell.