The Heart of the Matter Movie Premier

Tonight I was able to go to the premier of The Heart of the Matter, a non-denominational Christian documentary that brings HOPE to the pornography problem. It was so well done and leaves you with this wonderful feeling of reliance on Christ.

Obviously, because most people will feel dumb going to a theater to watch a film about overcoming pornography, it will not be released in theaters, but will be available October 1 at http://theheartofthemattermovie.com.  You can also buy the DVD with additional footage. The producers will additioally be working with churches and recovery groups to license the film for use.

The goal of the film is to get people talking about the pornography problem because once it's out in the light, that's when people can start to heal.

Hope & Healing

My friend, Michelle, at Mormon Women fairly recently created another site called Hope and Healing -- Pornography Addiction Education and Recovery.  She felt this was necessary when she began getting a large amount of traffic about the topic of pornography on her site.  Not only did she create an informative site, she also created a forum where affected women can talk.  She writes,

I felt like I needed to create a separate space where they [wives of addicts] could find information and connect with women who had walked this path (fortunately, there were several women who were willing to help reach out to my readers). I know this is a topic we all don't want to think or talk about, but we are past the point where we have that luxury anymore. Please, get educated. If you are a parent, your kids need you. And there are probably people in your sphere of influence who need support and help, too. There are many great resources that are out there to learn more. We're trying to share them here. And if you know of a wife/ex-wife/girlfriend of an addict, let them know about this. They'll find an amazing community of women who are willing to reach out and give them some encouragement.

So, I just wanted to spread the word about this resource because, as Michelle said, "we are past the point where we have that luxury [not to talk about pornography] anymore." 

Highs & Lows

A bit back I wanted to jot down one thing we do with our kids to communicate better with them.  We got this idea from our friends Jeff and Janae who do it with their kids:  Highs and Lows.  How it works is when you're sitting around the dinner table, you ask everyone to share both a high and a low (a good thing and a bad thing) from the day.

You share a good thing because it's fun to hear good things, and you share a bad thing so everyone knows your human, and that you don't have a perfect life, and so that you can get support from your family.  Even those who aren't the most natural sharers learn to share.

I know when we first mentioned the low part to my dad one time, he kind of balked at the idea and said we should focus on the positive.  Sure, we should, but we felt it was more important to have open communication in all things.

I've seen this benefit us when my husband says something like this, "My low was that I ran into an Internet baddie" (that's what we call inappropriate pictures on line).  Our kids know that it's easy to run into bad stuff like that and it's okay to tell -- if Dad tells, they can, too.

One day, our son reported that he ran into an Internet baddie.  It wasn't all that bad, but we were really happy he wasn't ashamed to tell us.

The world in which we live

I don't know why I feel compelled to write about this on here; it seems more of a private matter.  I'm also not naive enough to think you are exempt from situations like this in your families, so this probably isn't news to anyone, but wanted to record my thoughts anyway.  I think this is just another example of why we need to be lionesses and protect our families.

I've heard mentioned several times the manual, A Parent's Guide, but have never read it before now.  It's the LDS Church's 1985 guide on how to talk to your kids about the body and sex.  Sure, some of it may seem a little out-dated, but there's a lot of good stuff in it.  We started reading it just in time.  When we finish reading  it, I'll probably share a few more thoughts.

Yesterday, my 6 year-old girl said something like, "Is it true that a boy and a girl who aren't married sleep in the same bed without their underwear?"  Gasp!  Deep breath.  "Where did you hear that?"  She'd been at a friend's house and a friend of that friend came over and was talking about it.

Sometimes, I don't know why, but I don't feel bold in calling a sin a sin -- I tend to say "bad choices," so it doesn't come across so judgmentally and meanly.  Luckily, though, we'd recently read this in the manual:

Your role as a parent requires that you pass judgments on your children and correct them as necessary. Some reports are not about accomplishments but about failures. Here you can be most Christlike. Without excusing or minimizing the problem or sin, you can react with concern, candor, and practical steps to correct the error or help your child repent of the sin.

Now the quote was clearly in reference to correcting a sin of a child, which obviously was not our situation, but the word "sin" was fresh on my mind.  Six year-olds also easily understand the word "sin."  I told my daughter something like, "Well if someone did something like that, it would be sinning."  Then we continued to have a little discussion on how our bodies are like temples and when we are married we can share our bodies that way, but if we do things like that when we are not married we cannot have the Spirit with us. . . .

Then, talk about a double whammy -- the kids had been outside tonight playing with some neighbors and my little 6 year old comes in and says, "So-and-so said, what if a girl was naked and someone took pictures of her and put them on iPhoto?"  I said, "Well that would be pornography.  Why was so-and-so talking about that?"  I then told her, yes, people do that, and it is wrong, and so-and-so shouldn't be talking about things like that.

I then asked my husband (I was nursing) to go tell the kid (another 6 year-old) that he shouldn't be talking about things like that, and it was time for him to go home.  I asked my husband if we ought to call the kid's mom.  My husband looked a little surprised at first, but really, he likes things like that.  So, he called the mom and told her what happened.  She was pretty upset and hopefully wasn't too hard on the kid (the manual talks about this).  It's not like they were looking at pornography, he was just talking about it, but I'd think she'd want to know.

When we had family prayer tonight, we again talked about the situation and told our kids that if other kids are talking about things like this to please let us know so that we can know what kids are talking about, tell them if it's true or not, and also answer any questions they have.  We told them it's okay to talk about these things with mom and dad (and we have had discussions in the past on the topic), but they don't need to go talking to their friends about this.  Our 8 year-old son seemed almost relieved to hear that it was okay to talk to mom and dad about when other kids talk about these things.  He seemed to like that he didn't have to keep it inside him and that he could let it out and that mom and dad could actually do something about it.

So, I guess I just write this to reenforce that it's never to early to talk to your kids about the body and sex in an age-appropriate way (the manual gives ideas on this, too).  I'm afraid, though, that the kids are getting more and more details at younger and younger ages these days.  I also want to say how grateful I am that we've been reading A Parent's Guide which has put the topic fresh on my mind and has given me some really good tactics in how to confidently talk about the body and sex with my kids.

Poisoned by Degrees

A friend posted this video on facebook yesterday from Dawn Hawkins at Morality in Media who was flying from Washington, D.C. to Texas to speak at a conference regarding the correlation between pornography and sex trafficking.  Sitting in front of her on her flight was a man looking at porn.  She confronted him, and he basically denied it.  Later, she quietly told him where she was going and why and mentioned that he was part of the problem.  Another woman stood up and told her that no one cared.
 



Dawn also wrote a summary of her experience if you don't want to take the time to watch the video.

What struck me, was that when I watched the video, there were 103 likes and 2,253 dislikes. So did that mean 103 people like what she's doing or that 2,253 dislike pornography and clicked dislike? I certainly hope 2,253 people don't think she's an idiot for trying to take a stand, so they're disliking her.

I wouldn't be surprised, though, if people really don't like the stand she's taking.  We live in a pornography-saturated society.  We have been poisoned by degrees to accept it.  People like their porn.  We're afraid to speak out against it because we don't want to be the goody-goody, and we don't want to take away people's "free speech" rights, do we?
 
In the facebook conversation following the video, there were some insightful comments:

I'm starting to realize that a lot of [people, even married women with children] simply don't care. They'll complain passionately about the new law in Virginia that women must get an ultrasound before an abortion, but not one word is said about child pornography and human trafficking. I brought up the matter to a friend the other day and mentioned the serious nature of child pornography in particular. I was astounded that she responded so casually-that grown adults should be left alone to what they will do.

 and

. . . the kind of porn the men view and collect is a direct indicator of what kind of sexual activity they are into and the viewing of it feeds their addiction until they feel they must act it out. If they are into women, they can act out their fantasies with a consenting adult (not that it isn't still harmful). If it's children, well, this is where the child molestors are born. Don't think it could never be your child--these addicts are everywhere. I have heard stories from these guys [men involved in fighting criminal behavior] that would make your toes curl. . . . We have had a spate of school teachers arrested here in [our state] in the past several months, all child molestors who had porn on their computers that mirrored their victims. Tell your friends that their children ARE IN DANGER because of porn.

Sorry I've had so many pornography-related posts lately; this isn't meant to be an anti-porn site, but I guess the issue has just come up a lot.  Please take a stand where you can and fight this plague. 

Side issue:  So why is it that people will throw a stink about nursing in public, but no one seems to care about pornography? 

The Storm Is Here, and We Weren't Prepared

Where I live, we recently had some extremely severe winds that blew down giant trees and fences and blew off lots and lots of shingles.  The majority of our city lost power for as little as a few hours, but some people lost power for up to a few days.  I've always thought of myself as a pretty prepared person -- I'm pretty sure we have our year's supply of food, and we also have our 72 hour kits. We have at least some wood for fuel.  We keep some extra gasoline in the garage for cars and bought a nice grill for fun grilling and emergency cooking.

With these storms, however, we realized we were much better prepared for a summer disaster, not a winter one.  We weren't sure how to cook food indoors safely.  With 100 mph cold wind gusts, I really didn't want to cook outside on the deck.  Sure, we had wood, but it needed to be split to be burned in our fireplace.  Considering I was 6 or so months pregnant, I really didn't want to be out splitting wood anyway (my husband had gone to work).  We also realized that with our somewhat open floor plan on our main floor where the fireplace is, we couldn't just shut off one room and keep it warm.  We still haven't figured out solutions to the cooking and heating problems, but need to.  (In case you were wondering, we ended up leaving our house when it got down to 55 and went to a friend's who had a gas fireplace in a room that could be closed off.  We ate dinner at a restaurant that had power.  For the night we went about 45 minutes away and stayed with friends whose area had been unaffected.)

It seems like just as this severe wind storm crept up on us, the evils of pornography have crept up on us as a society.  I hate to say it, but it's as though Satan's strategies in preparing the world for this day have worked.  The moral fibers of society have been weakened enough that pornography is generally accepted.  The devil and his angels must laugh at our unpreparedness.

Last night we had our adult session of stake conference.  Our stake president mentioned that young men are getting exposed to pornography at age 10, 11, 12, and 13, but because because it's an addiction that is kept quiet and is relatively easy to hide, these boys don't get help until they are 16, 17, or 18 -- giving them up to 8 years of use, thus making it very difficult to overcome.

Tragedy, yes, but there are things we can do to win this war.

• For one, our stake president encouraged us to have "spiritual courage" within our families and also to reach out to others with Christlike love who are struggling.  We need to pray to know how to help others.  We need to stand up and speak up against things that are harmful.  Leaders were encouraged to intervene with youth early so we can head off this problem.  My husband plans to talk to the 14 & 15 year olds he teaches at church and also speak to our 8 1/2 year old (again) about this.  (I realized the other day that our little boy is half way to independence -- going to college and potentially moving out of the house!  I wonder if we've taught him half of what he needs to know to face the world.  Have we armed him thus far?  I feel there's so much more we need to do to prepare him for life ahead.  I hope we can stay close.)

• I mentioned it before, but again,  Jocelyn's, God Gave You a Body lesson is a great way to bring up the sacredness of the body with young children.

• Also again, Stephanie's Satan's Power Tool post gives us ideas on how to talk to our families about this problem.  Particularly striking regarding our husbands:

If your husband has a heartbeat, he struggles with [pornography] on some level.  The world is cruel to him in its blatant temptation and oppressive titillation.  If he watched the Super Bowl, he’s seen pornography (for heaven’s sake, don’t get me started).  Talk to him about it.  Ask him how he’s doing:  What can you do to help him?  What steps can your family take to help him feel protected?  What measures does he currently use to avoid the temptation?  Be prepared to feel threatened a little as you learn what a real struggle it might be for him to stay unharmed by the storm.  Cling to each other a little tighter.  Express your love for him and your desire that he remain clean.  Encourage him to fight the hard fight.  Pray for him, and pray together.  Talk about your covenants and go to the temple often to remember them and reconnect to them.

• Out in the Light encourages a Clean and Safe Media Pledge:

•  The Combating Pornography website also gives 10 suggestions on how to protect your home.

• At Julie Beck's 2009 Women's Conference address, she reminds us that we women have the responsibility to protect our homes (and ourselves) from pornography.  This is the talk where she said, "Sisters, fight -- fight, sisters" regarding pornography.  That call can be likened to a story I shared before:

. . . Erastus Snow, under the direction of Brigham Young, told [a] stake president he needed to stop 'going "heart and hand with the gentiles"' by "selling and drinking liquor dispensed at the LDS co-op store" or he'd be replaced.  Snow told the women: "I advise you sisters to get together in the capacity of a Relief Society, and gut the store of every drop of liquor in it, and spill the liquor on the ground."

Now Julie Beck didn't say to go to the local adult store or even the local grocery store and tear up all the nasty magazines, but she did say to take action within our stewardships, our homes, and to fight for them.

She encourages us to fight when she says:

• We cannot sit and act like victims
• We must teach our families everywhere:  in family home evenings, prayer & scripture study, mealtimes -- both formally and informally
• We must limit activities that take us to and fro

• I feel that the most important thing we need to teach our children to withstand pornography is personal integrity.  We need to teach them what is good and wholesome and pray with all our mights that they will choose what is good and wholesome.  We need to teach them that it's okay to be different; it's okay to not do what everyone else appears to be doing.  

Some people simply define integrity as telling the truth, but I look at it as so much more comprehensive.  My integrity defines who I am.  Will I do what I say I will?  Do I act consistently with what I profess I believe?  I am reminded of the Karl Maeser story about honor:

I have been asked what I mean by 'word of honor.' I will tell you. Place me behind prison walls--walls of stone ever so high, ever so thick, reaching ever so far into the ground--there is a possibility that in some way or another I may escape; but stand me on the floor and draw a chalk line around me and have me give my word of honor never to cross it. Can I get out of the circle? No. Never! I'd die first!

That is integrity.

• The very last thing I wanted to mention was regarding the use of media.  Bad media is all around us.  If we do our best to avoid it, not let it infiltrate our minds, we will be so much better off.  We must avoid ANY movies or t.v. or music that is not uplifting -- the stakes are too high when we let even a little bit in.  Do we want to be close to God, or don't we?  I once heard a story by a guy who was trying to overcome a drug addiction, and he felt that he should change his music.  He started avoiding any music that wasn't uplifting and he felt a change in his life.  He was able to be closer to God because negative media wasn't consuming his mind.

It's not too late to win this war, even if it seems that we've had a slow start in fighting back.  We know we are on the winning team, so let's show it.

The Plague of Our Day

Let's be open and honest here.  We all know pornography is a huge plague of our day; we probably can all think of at least one person/family it has affected.  I've seen some great posts within the last couple days that I wanted to link to and spread the words of hope.

1.  Jocelyn at We Talk of Christ, We Rejoice in Christ wrote up a little story/lesson on how to talk to your kids about their bodies.  It brought tears to my eyes giving me even greater desire to protect and teach my darling little children the sacredness of their bodies (and their minds).

2.  Stephanie at Diapers and Divinity was pretty fired up about fighting pornography and provided some different ideas to people in different situations dealing with pornography.  She also links to lots of resources.

3.  In Stephanie's post, I wanted to point out a specific resource -- a forum for wives of pornography addicts.  It contains resources and a place for women to connect.  This is part of the initiative coming from Mormon Woman and MMB, at least partially spurred on by so many of the hopeless comments left on their sites about the devastating effects of pornography.

Pray we can protect our families from this plague, but let's also take action and do what we can to fight it!

Sexualization in Society

These two articles from the Deseret News were just too good to pass up.  Kudos to the Deseret News for publishing them.

The end of innocence: The cost of sexualizing kids

Sexualizing kids: No child left behind — and fighting back

A few quotes from both articles:

"As a society, we know more about women who look good than we know about women who do good," (first article).

...
(The rest are from the 2nd article.)

While saying no is a natural parental instincts, he says the optimal approach is to help their child understand why a certain TV show or piece of clothing is not OK. "You'd be surprised at how reasonable children can be when rules are accompanied by an explanation," he says. "Children are always learning. If they're not learning from their mothers or fathers, they are going to learn from other sources."

...

Jenny Wykstra, a registered nurse from West Jordan, has figured out a way to help guide her three children without just saying something is bad or wrong.

She watches TV with her teens, 15, 14 and 13. And she pays attention to what they are looking at on the computer. When something sets off the alarm bells in her brain — and it happens a lot — she asks them questions.
"Wow, check out that girl's outfit. What do you think of it?"

She's genuinely interested, she says. But she's also guiding them through a process of analyzing things critically. "What do you think they're trying to sell?" she asks when a model runs her fingers through her luxurious hair for a shampoo commercial. "Is it just shampoo?"

...

Levin traces the introduction of the "sexualized childhood" to the mid-1980s deregulation of TV ads for children by the Federal Communications Commission, which allowed development of toys directly related to programming.

...

"What's going on here in 21st Century America is a war of values," wrote Annie Fox, a Cornell graduate who has written several books on teens. "On one side, parents doing their best to raise healthy young adults. And what are we up against? The marketing might of multi-billion dollar corporations. You probably don't need anyone to tell you who's winning."

...

"One girl told me [dressing provocatively] made her feel wanted," Evert says. "I told her, 'What are you hoping for — to be gawked at or to be loved? What do you want to be wanted for? If a guy really cares, he should want you for more than your body parts. I always tell the girls 'You will never convince boys of your dignity until you convince yourself.' "

...

On Aug. 31, 1,600 people used the Internet to protest a shirt being sold on JC Penney's website. The $10 shirt was emblazoned with "I'm Too Pretty to Do Homework, So My Brother Has to Do It for Me." The ad copy with it said, "Who has time for homework when there's a new Justin Bieber album out? She'll love this tee that's just as cute and sassy as she is."

Within four hours of the launch of an online petition drive by change.org, JC Penny yanked the shirt off its shelves, overwhelmed by the response.


 ...

And of course, there were several quotes/references to the Kite sisters from Beauty Redefined!  Go girls!

Go Newsweek!

My friend, Michelle, pointed me to "The John Next Door" in Newsweek.  Not a pretty topic, but I'm glad Newsweek had the guts to print it.  Melissa Farley, director of Prostitution Research and Education did a study comparing men who buy sex and men who don't.  She wanted to see if her findings regarding prostitution and sexual violence were "true of just sex buyers, or . . . of men in general."

In performing the study, Farley had a difficult time finding men who really don't buy any type of sex. She actually had to change her definition of a non-user from someone who doesn't buy any type of sex to one who only goes to a strip club 2 x a year and looks at porn only 1 x per month.   WOW.  So, does that say, those things are okay and normal?  Maybe normal, but definitely not okay.  Just because you're doing a little better than other people, does not mean it is good enough.  Being a religious person, you obviously strive to follow the laws of God, not just  be a little better than everyone else.  Just because everyone else is doing it does NOT make it okay.

Users were defined as those who purchased a lap dance, phone sex, gotten a sex worker, an escort, erotic masseuse, or a prostitute.

Many experts believe the digital age has spawned an enormous increase in sexual exploitation. . . .  The burgeoning demand has led to a dizzying proliferation of services so commonplace that many men don’t see erotic massages, strip clubs, or lap dances as forms of prostitution. “The more the commercial sex industry normalizes this behavior, the more of this behavior you get. . . .”

This is why we need to sustain a higher community standard!  When we let things like this into our communities, they become commonplace and fewer people object them because it is "normal" behavior.  What kind of world do we want our kids to grow up in?

Farley discovered that

• those who buy sex enjoy the "servitude" and "unquestionable obedience" from the prostitutes.  
• They "dehumanize and commodify women, view them with anger and contempt, lack empathy for their suffering, and relish their own ability to inflict pain and degradation."  
• They also "were more likely to view sex as divorced from personal relationships than nonbuyers.
• "They enjoyed the absence of emotional involvement with prostitutes."
• They "voiced aggression toward women."
• They "were nearly eight times as likely as nonbuyers to say they would rape a woman if they could get away with it."
• They "committed more crimes of every kind than nonbuyers."
• They "used significantly more pornography than nonbuyers."
• "three quarters of them said they received their sex education from pornography" (compared with "slightly more than half of nonbuyers" -- that's terrible for buyers and non!)
• They "view prostitutes as loving sex and enjoying their customers."

This whole buying of sex sounds like a great way to create a bunch of uncaring, unattached, violent men who are disassociated from the rest of humanity -- who cannot care for a family.  Satan is horribly brilliant.

"Farley is a leading proponent of the 'abolitionist' view that prostitution is inherently harmful and should be eradicated, and her findings are likely to inflame an already contentious issue."  Thank goodness someone wants to do away with this!  I'm amazed at the comments that so many people think she's nuts and inaccurate and that prostitution is work and if you like it stay in it, and if you don't, get out.  Perhaps all these people are sex addicts and just can't admit there's a problem.  OK, maybe some people do like the job, but it's totally against God's plan, which says to me no one should be doing it.

I remember high school class discussions about the book Crime and Punishment.  I don't remember a ton about the book, but I remember understanding that some women feel like prostitution is their only option for work.  I also remember feeling that of course men shouldn't get away with such behavior (boys will be boys mentality); I guess I was naive in thinking people in general thought the same.  I felt any educated person would see prostitution is a misuse of women and men who use and abuse prostitutes should know better.

Policies can be powerful things:  "In 1999 Sweden decided that prostitution was a form of violence against women and made it a crime to buy sex, although not to sell it. This approach dramatically reduced trafficking, whereas the legalization of prostitution in the Netherlands, Germany, and much of Australia led to an explosive growth in demand that generated an increase in trafficking and other crimes. Sweden’s success in dealing with the problem has persuaded other countries to follow suit. “The Swedish model passed in South Korea, Norway, and Iceland, and has been introduced in Israel and Mexico. . . .” 

Very fascinating article.  I hope it brings an awareness to users so that they will do something about changing their lives for the better and become more moral and humane people.

The Mighty Elephant

Tonight I went to the Women for Decency kickoff meeting with my sister-in-law.  The speaker was Jill Manning who wrote Let's Talk about the Elephant in the Room and What's the Big Deal about Pornography?  There weren't a ton of people there, but it was nice to see other people who want to make a difference.

Manning told how she was reading 1 Peter 5:8:  "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour."   She wanted to learn more, so she studied up on lions and their habits and learned that the only animal the lions can't get are the elephants, so she learned about elephants.  She learned that the elephants in a herd are females, young, and injured/ill males.  The healthy males are solitary and don't join the pack.  She learned that when these herds/packs of elephants are in danger from such things as lions, they form a circle, faces out, with the young or ill in the middle to protect them.  She compared us to the elephants in protecting intelligently and diligently our young.  So not only are we now lionesses at the gate, we are mighty elephants!

What I found interesting was that a few things she said regarding porn and the acceptance of it, were similar points made by Wendy Shalit in A Return to Modesty and The Good Girl Revolution.

For instance, Manning said women are showing tolerance to pornography by dating and marrying guys whom they know have the addiction -- they think it won't be that big of a deal.  Shalit says similarly that if women will allow men to sleep with them without commitment, then men won't feel a need to commit because they can just find someone else to sleep with.  We need to stand up to them (society/the porn industry/immoral men) and let them know the expectation whether it's that porn is unacceptable, or that no, men cannot sleep with us without being married to us.

Manning said that our initial response to porn is typically disgust.  We don't need training in the subject, we need to trust our instincts.  Shalit says typically women do not want to show it all, they don't want non-committal sex, so listen to your instincts -- they're there to protect you!

Another interesting and different point was that Manning said that the porn industry is always whining about being censored.  She says it's really the porn industry censoring out the real truth!

The Dangerous Digital Vortex

Because this blog is becoming a "file folder" of sorts for cool things I find regarding women and raising families, I thought I'd link to The Dangerous Digital Vortex by Sue Bergin.  The article discusses many ways to safeguard our families against falling too much into the digital world -- avoiding pornography, teaching children, communicating, etc.

Girls Gone Mild/The Good Girl Revolution

I just finished reading Wendy Shalit's Girls Gone Mild (or in paperback: The Good Girl Revolution).  Shalit focuses not only on modesty, but on the influence of pornography on our society and our relationships; sense of self, dignity, and altruism; friendship; bullying; and feminism.   In a nut shell, Shalit says maybe we can make the world a better place by being nice, good, and virtuous.  She still uses some pretty explicit examples throughout, which I hope are not the norm, but they do help her make her point.  It seems to be written for a younger audience (maybe high school), versus a college audience in A Return to Modesty, so it's an easier read.

On Friendship (chapter 5)

• Women need to be more supportive of one another; knock off all the competition, sexual and otherwise.

On Feminism

• ". . . the meaning of feminism is up for grabs right now.  The ground is rumbling, and the ideological fault lines are shifting. . ." (206-7).
• "'. . . the sexual revolution's excesses have led to a devaluation of women and men.  We're playing into the dumbness of men and the dumbness of women'" (208).  I like that she includes men here.  If women want to be like men, why don't we try to copy good men, rather than the most base?
• "The word itself [feminism] has become almost meaningless---and can refer to diametrically opposed ideas---and yet hearing what feminism means to others is still interesting and can tell you a lot.  Some people use the term to signal that they care about the dignity of women.  Others use it to indicate that they want to fight the notion of being dignified at all.  Usually to the youngest feminists, the idea of decency is tremendously appealing. . ." (208-9).  I identify with the dignity side.
• One woman who went along with the feminist movement of the 1970s said, "'Now that I'm on the other side of life, I feel completely ripped off by the feminists.  I ended up with [STDs] and two unwanted pregnancies which I terminated. . . .  My supposed sexual liberation brought me lots of heartbreak and regrets, far outweighing the jollies.  The feminists simply don't acknowledge the downside of this supposed liberation'" (211-212).
• '"To become a mother". . . is something that nearly "every girlfriend that I know" wants. . . .  "We're in our early thirties and there is that time that you have, and most of my friends do want that, and that is just the reality. . . . Your priorities change"' (216). 
• ". . .I came to think of these younger feminists as part of a fourth wave. . . . The  fourth-wavers question pornography instead of wishing to star in it.  They are more likely to be fans of Florence Nightingale than Nina Hartley [I don't know who that is, and I'm not going to Google it].  They are most taken with earlier feminists, the nineteenth-century women who were temperance advocates as much as suffragists.  The suffragists argued that women should own property and have the right to vote precisely so that they might improve society with their moral perspective and their feminized heroism.  The early feminists also believed in the sacredness of sexuality, it's interesting to note" (219).
• [Caring for a family] can seem less significant only if your sole criterion is external approval. . . .  . . .Does this mean that our private actions are intrinsically any less significant [than public]? (223)

I didn't find the book as amazing as I found A Return to Modesty, probably because the topic wasn't so new to me anymore.   I don't know that you need to read both of Shalit's books, but one will broaden your perspective on modesty.

Taking a Stand at Barnes and Noble

Here's another one.  Someone's got to do it, right?

To Whom it May Concern:

During December, I was at your store purchasing a gift card.  As I approached the checkout counter, I noticed several magazine covers that do not fit our community standard for decency (i.e. those containing scantily clad women).  I immediately thought how glad I was that I hadn’t brought my children shopping that day!  I purchased my gift card and went on my way.

The following week, I requested that a volunteer from our elementary school, where I sit on our PTA board, purchase additional gift cards from your store for prizes for our upcoming Geography Bowl.  After I asked her to do that, I remembered the experience I had with the magazines the week prior.  I realized by giving out the gift cards, we would be bringing elementary school aged children into your store and exposing them to things they do not need or want to see.

I know it would be too much to ask to remove magazines with inappropriate covers and content from your store, but could you please move them away to at least the magazine section, or merely provide covers if they must remain by the checkout counter?  It would make your store a much more comfortable place to shop.

Taking a Stand with the Dentist's Office

I don't normally write things like this, but I thought I'd take a stand:

Dear Dr. M:

We have been coming to your office for some time now; I’m sure you’ll remember us.  I’m the one who always has to tell you how my cute brother in law is doing in dental school.  Anyway, thank you so much for taking care of our oral hygiene needs!   We’ve always enjoyed your skilled staff and the services you all provide.

I wanted to write and bring up a concern that I’ve had on this visit and on the last.  Specifically, last week, when I walked into your office with my three kids, right within our view was a inappropriate picture of a woman on a magazine.  I picked it up before the kids could see it, intending to flip it over.  In the meantime, the lady at the desk needed me to update some paperwork, so I took the magazine with me and flipped it at the counter.  To my astonishment, an even more scantily clad lady was on the other side!  Not knowing what to do with the magazine, I handed it to the gal at the desk and told her to something with it.

Across the room I also noticed magazines that I didn’t want my kids to go near, so I kept them close.  I know you’re a family guy and run a family-oriented dental business, so I hope you can do something with the magazines, thus making it a more comfortable place for us all to come.

Thank you again for your service and hope to see you in the future!

1/13/11 Update:  I went in for my dental cleaning today.  I noticed ALL the objectionable magazines were GONE.  I hadn't sent my letter yet for two reasons. One, I thought I'd see what would happen between the kids' appointment and mine; and two, honestly, if I sent the letter when I wrote it, the dentist would have gotten it before my appointment.  I didn't want to feel awkward at my cleaning.  Anyway, I did mention the situation to the dentist about the magazines being gone.  He said he hadn't even been aware they were there since he rarely even goes in the waiting room.  Sometimes they also get the magazines just sent to them from the publishers.  He's seen similar situations in other offices, and the dentists just don't know the magazines are there.  He said please let them know if there are questionable magazines in the waiting area because he doesn't want them there either.  I knew our community had a higher community standard!  And... thanks to the desk gals who just took care of the problem!

Join the Resistance

Apparently there's a new exhibit over in Europe portraying Hitler not as a man who led much of Germany astray, but as a man who represented the feelings of many Germans at the time.  I caught a little bit of NPR this morning where they were talking about the subject.  Something struck me: although these may have been some of the general feelings at the time (that it was okay to hate people and do horrible things to them), some people still resisted.  These people put their lives on the line to save others.

Then I realized, is this not like pornography today?  Although it may appear to be generally accepted in American culture (look at Hollywood and other media), not everyone buys it.  We have to resist.  We must voice our concerns that we want to maintain a "higher community standard."  We must be a vigilant lioness and protect our families from the scourge of pornography. 

I could go into an explanation of why pornography is harmful or why being "prude" on the issue is a good thing, but I don't have time for that.  I've heard the time is now to stop being shy about this issue.  We have to speak up against it and win this battle.  

Join the resistance.

 11/9/10:  Haha.  Did you like how I wrote that all propagandishly?

Anyway, I thought I'd add something on how to join the resistance.  A few groups/sites I've come across recently:

• http://www.outinthelight.com/
• http://www.strengthenthefamily.net/ (The lady who made this site lives in my neighborhood.  I don't believe she's actively doing it much anymore, but she still has good info on her site).
• http://www.womenfordecency.org/
• Protecting Innocence Project (OK, this one's not really up and running yet, but I ran across Diapers and Divinity while trying to find Julie Beck's talk about the lioness at the gate.  I was happy to see others making a grassroots effort to fight pornography.)
• Resistimony
• Mothers Who Should Know Better:  LDS Ark Culture Embraces Pornography (article)