Boys Adrift and Mens' Organizations

As I've been repainting the trim from yellowish to white in our house (this project started just before school began when the little girls caught Covid and they were isolated to the office, so I knew I'd have a little bit more free time as I wouldn't be taking care of them quite so much), I've been listening to books, primarily the Maze Runner books, and podcasts including Jay Mac as well as several on Come Follow Me. A friend a bit ago mentioned how good Boys Adrift (2016) by Leonard Sax was, so while I was waiting for the last Maze Runner to become available, I grabbed Boys Adrift. IT WAS SO GOOD! The Maze Runner was fun, but....

I've heard many of the concepts mentioned in the Boys Adrift, but never to that depth and never all together. I particularly enjoyed chapter 3 about boys and video games. Luckily, my son (now 18) has never really been into video games, but the information was still fascinating. Sax mentions how distractibility is rewarded in video games like Call of Duty. It is treated like an asset, not a liability (usually it's not a good thing to be so distracted). Risky actions are rewarded and required. Boys who play violent video games are more likely to be pulled over and engage in risky driving. They are three times more likely to be in a car crash in the next five years as compared to those who don't play those games. Not only does the sitting around lead to weight gain, but the games tend to have an appetite stimulus effect. Boys who play violent video games tend to see themselves and others as less human. They experience a myopia for the future despite negative consequences. Violent video games are worse than non-violet because the players become desensitized to violence and have less empathy and a loss of connectedness. Success in the virtual world overrides success in real world. Apparently there is lots of evidence saying this can happen. We need to learn patience in real life, not just blowing something up when we don't like it. Boys used to hunt and fish and learned patience in doing those activities, but it is not being learned now. Sax implies there's a connection with these behaviors to ADHD.

In chapter 7, Sax talks about guiding boys to manhood and girls to womanhood. He says people who have a community helping their kids make this transition are most successful. Parents cannot do this alone. He mentions how the Navajo teach boys to be men. He mentions helpful organizations such as Boys to Men, as well as the Boy Scouts, and I believe he one called Somos Amigos who teach: using your strength in the service of others. I started to think about our Priesthood organization and Relief Society and even our youth programs. It was so interesting that he said this about the organizations because like many, I've wondered why this whole hierarchy of priesthood organization when the women don't have an equivalent. Additionally, why did the boys in the church have the Boy Scouts and the girls didn't have the equivalent. I've heard people say, well men/boys need an organization like that; whereas the women and girls don't. That never felt really fair, but according to Sax, there's actually some truth in it. Men apparently thrive more on these hierarchies and goals and competition, and women don't respond to it quite the same; it's not as necessary. Then, there was that whole thing about using your strength to serve others! Isn't that what the priesthood is? A way for the men of God to organize and serve? Honestly, I've heard more than once that without the priesthood, men just aren't likely to organize and serve like the women are. That felt so unfair to the men, but I suppose there's some truth to it. Also in regards to others who help our youth become adults, yesterday, two of my kids got to participate in youth conference. So, I had a greater appreciation for those youth leaders who are helping my kids learn how to become women and men. I'm so grateful for this Church that helps me raise my children into adults. Anyway, lots to think about.

Chapter 8

Sax says he likes to share true stories of real men and the value of masculinity without disrespecting women and devaluing them. He tells the story of Joshua Chamberlain, born 1828, who was educated and inspired to help free the Black slaves. He wanted to serve in the military, but his school wanted to send him to Europe instead. He decided to enlist and led the 20th Main in the battle of Little Roundtop at Gettysburg where they ran out of ammunition and turned to bayonets. This scholar and seminarian felt it was his duty to fight because he knew what really mattered. When it came time to accept victory, Chamberlian told his men to salute the defeated Confederacy rather than act unhonorably. His classic education taught him manners and how to be a gentleman. This was the only part in the book that made   me cry because there was so much sacrifice!

Anyway, this is kind of a ramble, but there's so much more good stuff in the book. I'd highly recommend it! I'm now excited to read Girls on the Edge also by Sax because I have four daughters!

Conference Theme: Fathers

I'm slightly embarrassed to say that after listening/watching this last General Conference that I didn't notice any themes in it. I'm pretty sure that's because with four kids and an infant, I only sort of paid attention.  Over the last week, though, I've had some time to re-listen to Conference.

I recently learned that a dear, nearly life-long friend is getting divorced with the most recent reason being abuse. With that on my mind, as I listened to President Uchtdorf's and President Eyring's Priesthood Session talks, I noticed their reminders to men to step it up.

Our priesthood obligation is to put our families and the families of those around us at the center of our concern.  Every major decision should be based on the effect it will have on a family to qualify for life with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. (Eyring)

[Families] require constant, intentional work. The doctrine of eternal families must inspire us to dedicate our best efforts to saving and enriching our marriages.  (Uchtdorf)

. . . No matter how flat your relationship may be at the present, if you keep adding pebbles of kindness, compassion, listening, sacrifice, understanding, and selflessness, eventually a mighty pyramid will begin to grow. If it appears to take forever, remember: happy marriages are meant to last forever! (Uchtdorf)

The way you treat your wife or children or parents or siblings may influence generations to come. What legacy do you want to leave your posterity? One of harshness, vengeance, anger, fear, or isolation? Or one of love, humility, forgiveness, compassion, spiritual growth, and unity? . . . For the sake of your family relationships, for the sake of your soul, please be merciful, for "mercy triumphs over judgment." . . . Sincerely apologizing to your children, your wife, your family, or your friends is not a sign of weakness but of strength. Is being right more important than fostering an environment of nurturing, healing, and love? (Uchtdorf)

Then, a friend in a nearby city shared that Elder Rasband spoke to their stake recently. He basically said that Melchezidek Priesthood holders need  better protect their families and teach their children consistently so that their children will be stronger.

I also noticed when listening to Elder Christofferson's talk, "Fathers," from Conference that he also spoke on men and their duties:

In 1833, the Lord reprimanded members of the First Presidency for inadequate attention to the duty of teaching their children. To one He said specifically, "You have not taught your children light and truth, according to the commandments; and that wicked one hath power, as yet, over you, and this is the cause of your affliction. Fathers are to teach God's law and works anew to each generation.

Discipline and correction are part of teaching. As Paul said, "for whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth." But in discipline a father must exercise particular care, lest there be anything even approaching abuse, which is never justified. When a father provides correction, his motivation must be love and his guide the Holy Spirit. . . .

We call on media and entertainment outlets to portray devoted and capable father who truly love their wives and intelligently guide their children, instead of the bumblers and buffoons or the "guys who cause problems," as fathers are all to frequently depicted.

Live your life so that as a man you will bring purity to your marriage and to your children.

I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that the Brethren have been discussing father's a lot lately.

I have a wonderful twelve-year old son who wants to do what's right. He wants guidance; he wants to please his parents. He likes to read and doesn't always want to be sitting around playing video games, as is the stereotype. We've noticed that most of his friends also want to do things other than video games, they just need the guidance and an adult to get them doing something that's not video games. Gaming is just so easy when there's no one there to get you to do anything else. These boys need to become good men; they need to be trained to someday protect their own families. They are up against so much; they just need guidance.

Interestingly, my husband was recently called as the Scoutmaster, and today, I was called as the Scout Committee Chair. I have in mind that we need to fill these boys with testimonies and skills that will help them on their missions and as they have families of their own. They need to become close to God through the outdoors. We've never been overly excited about Scouts, but our bishop pointed out that Scouting is the plan the Church chose to stay with even when it had the chance to leave. So, we are learning to go with it and make it what the boys need.  The Church is concerned about our boys and men and I'm willing to fight for them.

Statistically Speaking: Differences Between Males and Females

The other night my husband and I got to go to a funny stake fireside with "relationship coach" Matt Townsend. I learned some new things about communication, but I specifically wanted to share and ultimately save some of what he said were differences, statistically speaking, between men and women.

• Women communicate to bond and build rapport
• Men communicate to convey information (share data) and report (my husband leaned over and asked if that's why so many men were software engineers, which he is)
• Women talk to create feelings and create bonding
• Men "act" to create bonding (Townsend felt that perhaps men hold the priesthood to "act" in God's name because of this trait: it creates bonding; if they just talk, it won't work.  This concept would be a very interesting discussion to continue.
• Because fathers tend to "rough house" kids more than moms do, it gets kids' emotions really high, then they settle; this leads to their ability to better stabilize their emotions as adults; they're finding adults raised without fathers have a more difficult time controlling their emotions
• When men speak, only one side of the brain is used, the side that conveys data
• When women speak, both sides of the brain are used, the data side AND the emotion side
• When a little girl is about to do something naughty, she looks to her caregiver first, almost asking permission before she does it
• When a little boy is about to do something naughty, he just does it
• Men tend to look at life through a hierarchy; they don't like to communicate anything that may decrease their sense of hierarchy (that actually explains a lot)
• Little boys and little girls are 98% the same (or was it 98.5%?)
• Men's brains are 11% bigger than women's (so are men on average 11% bigger than women?), but men and women have the same amount of activity in their brains
• Women's brains do shrink during pregnancy, but return to their normal size after

He also talked a bit about the Mind, Body, Spirit connection and how we need to be aware of what is driving us. Is it our mind that creates shame, competition, body image problems..., our body that makes us hungry or tired..., or our spirit influencing us to act and feel certain ways?  I thought it was an interesting concept.  It seemed that Townsend suggested our mind drives us to some negative feelings, but our Spirit led us to more positive feelings and actions. I question, though, can't our mind lead us to compassion and other good traits, or would that always be the spirit and our light of Christ?  Would that fall into spirit? 

Women and the Priesthood by Sheri Dew Review

I have absolutely LOVED Women and the Priesthood by Sheri Dew. I finished it last night. I've heard that it hasn't been a big seller (source?), but I expect that's due to most LDS women being comfortable with their roles in the LDS church and in relation to the priesthood. Even though the book is directed toward women, ANYONE will benefit from this book! I love how Sheri Dew made me feel just so good and important and powerful as a human being in God's Plan!

I liked her subtitle, "What One Mormon Woman Believes," as that indicates not all LDS women feel this way, nor do they need to; this is merely her understanding of the topic.

The only thing I did not like was the format of the pages. When I read a book, I write all over the pages, but because there were big pop out quotes on a majority of the pages, they took up my writing space! There are several pages at the end of the book for journaling, but I prefer to write my thoughts on the pages where they came to mind. I know, silly thing to be bothered by.

I honestly have underlining on nearly very page, notes on most pages, and some pages took 30 minutes to read because they led to discussion with my husband. I have notes on what to study more, questions I have, and stars by things I love.  I'd like to write out pages and pages of notes here to easily refer back to, but due to insufficient time, I'll just write about my favorite chapter and then share some favorite quotes from the book.

One of my favorite chapters was chapter 3, "Goed Expects Women to Receive Revelation." If you've forgotten how to receive personal revelation, read this chapter; it's a great summary.

The only limitations on our communications with our Heavenly Father are those we impose on ourselves. We impose those limitations by not seeking, not asking, and not learning how to receive answers, gifts, and information. 53

Another favorite chapter was chapter 7: "God Reserved the High Privilege of Motherhood for Women." I didn't know how Sheri Dew would present the whole priesthood vs. motherhood thing, and I guess I didn't sense that the "battle" really even came up in the book, but I do know that I did feel really good about my role as a woman/mother after reading this chapter.

Basically, I realized that women, because they have even the potential to create life that they need to be utterly protected and cherished by others (men). Men play a small role in that creation, but women grow the life inside them. They are the gatekeepers of the future; without women, there is no future. How ironic that those who hold the future have been so often abused throughout history.

Killer Quotes
". . . Questions are good.  Questions lead to answers, as demonstrated by the Prophet Joseph Smith and countless others. The crucial issue is not about asking questions, it is the spirit in which questions are asked.  A question posed against a backdrop of doubt and criticism---i.e., 'I don't understand thus and such, so the Church must not be true'---can be debilitating, as it negates faith and leaves a person unable to be guided by the Spirit to learn. On the other hand, the same question asked in an environment of faith---'I don't understand thus and such, and I wonder what the Lord will teach me about that question'---demonstrates faith in the Lord and the hope that at some point an answer will be made clear. . . ." 8

"I've had far too many witnesses that the gospel is true and that the keys, power, and authority of the Savior's kingdom have been restored to let [LDS Church] organizational issues discourage me." 9

"Those who believe they have no need of revelation are increasingly left to themselves, and regardless of how bright, educated or accomplished they are, eventually the adversary will outwit, outfox, and outmaneuver them." 52

Quoting Bruce R. McConkie, "From an eternal perspective, what each of us needs is a Ph.D. in faith and righteousness. The things that will profit us everlastingly are not the power to reason, but the ability to receive revelation." 58

"There are many things about the priesthood and the division of responsibilities between men and women that I don't yet understand. This does not concern me, however, because wrestling with spiritual questions is a fundamental element of a religious life. It is an exercise that not only increases knowledge but strengthens faith." 133

". . . the things I don't yet understand do not negate what I do know." 133

"We have not been asked to store wheat, as were our sisters of yesteryear. We have not been required to pull handcarts over Rocky Ridge. But we have been asked to store faith. . . ." 173

I hope to find time to go back and re-read and further ponder and get answers to the questions that have come into my mind while reading this book; it was truly enlightening.

The State of Working-Class Men

I almost just "pinned" this, but thought I'd better save a few of the quotes from The No Good, Very Bad Outlook for the Working-Class American Man:

• Work, for men, means more than money: It connects them to their communities, makes them more attractive as mates and more successful as spouses, and is a linchpin of their self-esteem. When they don’t work, their role in the community tends to wither, harming the places where they live as well as themselves. Their family lives suffer, too. More and more often, less-educated men are strangers to marriage.

• Both men and women have suffered from the disappearance of well-paying mid-skilled jobs in factories and offices. But they have responded very differently. “Women have been up-skilling very rapidly,” said MIT’s Autor, “whereas men have been much, much less successful in adapting.” Women have responded to the labor market’s increased preference for brains over brawn by streaming through college and into the workforce—one of the great successes of the U.S. economy. Men’s rate of completing college has barely budged since the late 1970s.
• To women, men who either can’t or don’t earn a decent living are less necessary and desirable as mates; they’re just another mouth to feed. This helps to explain why rates of out-of-wedlock childbirth have risen to hitherto unimaginable heights among the less educated. Causality also flows in the opposite direction. The very fact of being married brings men a premium in their earnings, research shows, and makes them steadier workers, presumably because they have more stability at home. “Marriage is an institution that makes men more responsible in their pursuit of work and in their work-related duties,”
• Low-earning men are decreasingly able to form stable families. That, in turn, harms their children and communities. “Social capital disintegrates as you have a combination of drop in participation in the labor force and the disintegration of marriage,
• In 1970, more than three-fourths of men, no matter how much they earned, had wives; men at the bottom of the earnings scale were only slightly more likely to be single than were men at the top. Today, nearly half of the low-earning men are single, versus only a seventh of highly paid men.
• Family structure, in short, has become both a leading cause and a primary casualty of an emerging class divide. At the top are families with two married earners, two college degrees, and kids who never question that their future includes a college degree and a good job; at the bottom, families with one (female) earner, no college, no marriage, and kids who grow up isolated from the world of work and higher education. And the two worlds are drifting apart.

This is really sobering, not just the economic side of it, but what it's doing to the family.

Man Revolution

I don't even have time to comment on this, but I wanted to save it here.  I should probably just "pin" it for later, but that would mess up my system.  If women needed their own revolution to get them equality, it sounds like men need a revolution to give them some hope (and I know my punctuation is wrong!)

From "Growing Pains:  Rate of young men struggling in careers alarmingly higher than young women" in the Deseret News:

 1.  "Nearly 40 percent of 18- to 29-year-olds are unemployed or out of the workforce, according to the Pew Research Center. More than a third rely on their parents to help make ends meet and, even among those who have jobs. . . ."

2.   "Young men are less educated, more likely to be unemployed and more likely to live at home with their parents than their female peers. . . The achievement gap between young women and men has grown so wide that experts worry it may be contributing to the rising age of marriage and an increase in the number of single-parent homes."

3.   During the recession, men lost twice as many jobs as women.

4.   While the share of women living with their parents has remained a fairly steady 10 percent since 2007, the share of men living at home has increased from 14.2 percent to 18.6 percent.

5. ". . . the economy is shifting in a more female-friendly direction. . . . The manufacturing economy, which played to men's strengths, is on its way out. Today's economy is becoming increasingly knowledge-based and emphasizes softer skills such as communication and data analysis — things men can do, but that come easier to women.  The emphasis on female-friendly skills is mirrored in schools . . . where as early as elementary school teachers now encourage learning strategies that girls excel at, like collaboration, and discourage those that come naturally to boys, like competition. As a result of what he calls "biased" teaching methods, by the time they graduate high school, men are already behind. At a university level, just 38 percent of men ages 18 to 24 were enrolled in college or graduate programs in 2010, compared to 44 percent of women, according to the Pew Research Center. Women are more likely to graduate, too. Thirty-six percent of women ages 25 to 29 had a bachelor's degrees, while just 28 percent of men obtained the milestone."

6.   "Overall, women still earn only about 80 percent of men's wages, but among young adults, women out-earn men. . . .  . . . the median full-time salaries of young women are 8 percent higher than those of their male peers. In some cities, young women bring in as much as 20 percent more. Experts attribute the disparity to the growing gap in educational achievement."

7.  "When I started out, the boys would have big ambitions and the girls would have big ambitions," he said. "Slowly, year after year, young women finishing college have remained optimistic about the future, but young men have completely changed. If they are superstars and ... went to Harvard, they are doing OK. But if they are normal, went to a middling university or maybe even dropped out, these men are depressed and angry. They feel like the cards are stacked against them."

8.  Accelerated by the recession, men's marriage rates dropped sharply over the past decade.

9.  If society has made women into "sex objects," Farrell argues it has made men into "success objects."

10.  As women power ahead, these expectations are wearing on men, Farrell said. Modern women have gained choices over the years. They can take a job. They can stay at home with their children. They can do both. Men, though, have only the option to work full time, work full time or work full time.

11.  "Men are not valued if they aren't successful," Farrell said. "And in today's world, they are far less likely to be successful. Period. In comparison to women, they are in even worse shape."

12.  Some put off marriage because they feel like they must first achieve financial stability, he says. Easy access to pornography is a factor, too, because it makes it easy for men to fulfill sexual needs. . . .

13.  Because young adults are delaying marriage, a new decade of life has emerged. . . ."pre-adulthood."  . . . "You find a new phenomenon of what I call the child man," . . . He is hanging around, playing video games with his friends much like he was in college." . . . As women have gained success, there's been increasing talk about "Why do I need a man?" says Hymowitz. In the future, she predicts more women, unable to find a man they see as their equal, will "go it alone" as single mothers.

14.  "This isn't just an individual problem; this is a societal problem," Hymowitz says. "It isn't a purely economical problem; it is contributing to the breakdown of the family."

Ouch.

Point: Proclamation -- Yes, men and women are still different

Ruth over at Empowering LDS Women brought up the summary of a recent study regarding differences between women and men. In the study:

Scientists at the University of Turin and the University of Manchester say they have developed a new method to analyze personality differences between the sexes, which suggests the differences are much greater than previously thought.

They studied 10,261 people — 5,137 females and 5,124 males — and found key differences.
Women scored higher in:

• sensitivity.
• warmth.
• anxiety.

Men got higher scores in:

• emotional stability.
• dominance.
• rule-consciousness.
• vigilance (wariness).

They noted significant differences in levels of aggression and life interests as well.

The researchers measured behavioural traits in a broader fashion than previous studies did. They argued that these broader definitions provide a more accurate description of personality characteristics. "We believe we made it clear that the true extent of sex differences in human personality has been consistently underestimated," they write.

I just love hearing studies that validate inherent differences in men and women because we ARE different.  Makes me say, "Point:  Proclamation!" I really believe that nurturing comes a bit more naturally to women -- particularly when the nurturing involves young children.  I also believe that men are generally better protectors, in part because of their generally larger size (however, they do need to be taught to protect, not to take advantage of).  I think both men and women are capable of being providers, but they may go about it a little differently.

Ruth brought up a very good point in her post inspired by some of the comments on the study summary.   Apparently, some commenters took the research as evidence that women are inferior to men and shouldn't be in leadership positions.  (So rude!)  Ruth concludes, "That, to me, is the essence of feminism. It isn't insisting that I am exactly the same as men--I'm not, and to be honest, I don't want to be. It is merely insisting that my differences do not make me inferior, and demanding the respect that each of us deserves as human beings. . . ."

The comments go to show what our society values: the men traits.  If we flipped things around and placed greater value, or an equal value on such things as sensitivity and warmth, comments would probably be different.

The Moral Molecule: Oxytocin

My husband told me about a Ted Talk he listened to recently by Paul Zak on oxytocin.   Apparently oxytocin is the moral molecule -- it makes us connect with people, care about them, empathize with them, trust, be happy, be generous.  It is found only in mammals and is released in women during birth and breastfeeding, and in both men and women during sex.

Zak found, though, that men and women can easily increase their levels of oxytocin through massage, dance, prayer, weddings, social media, and hugs (he suggests 8 hugs/day to make the world a better place).

He also found that 5% of the population don't release oxytocin when stimulated.  One reason as to why people did not produce oxytocin was improper nurturing:  Half of abused women don't release it.  Stress also inhibits it.  Testosterone stunts it.  Men have 10 times more testosterone than women, and therefore, are more selfish; however, even though they are more selfish, they are also more likely to punish others for being selfish.

Zak concludes that the basis for our morality doesn't have to come from God, but from our chemical makeup.  (I say, if God is the Master Scientist, then isn't that an ingenious way to make our morality work?) 

The podcast didn't go into anything regarding fundamental differences between women and men, but I had fun contemplating the implications of the nurture/provide/protect roles of men and women as laid out in The Family:  A Proclamation to the World.  I couldn't find how much more oxytocin women have than men in general, but they do have/make more.  I would assume, then, that women are generally more moral and empathetic.  Is that why women often make better nurturers than men?  Because men have 10x more testosterone and are more selfish and want to punish others for being selfish, does that make them better protectors/better at watching out for their families?

Clearly both sexes can increase their levels of oxytocin, and there is overlap in male/female nurture/provide/protect roles, but chemically it appears there is a tendency for one sex to be a certain way over another, and that is fascinating.

---



This Ted Talk reminded me of another quote from the Scott article (Honor the Priesthood and Use It Well) from yesterday:

By divine design a woman is fundamentally different from a man in many ways. ² She is compassionate and seeks the interests of others around her. However, that compassionate nature can become overwhelming for women who identify far more to accomplish than they can possibly do, even with the help of the Lord. Some become discouraged because they do not feel they are doing all they should do. . . .

In the book, Passionate Housewives Desperate for God, the authors suggest that when we women get to this overwhelming point, that we go to our husbands for counsel to figure out how to simplify. I suppose I have a bit of a pride problem here because I want to decide for myself what I can handle and what I can't.  However, I think there is real benefit in his outside perspective, and I should seek his advice more often.

Elder Scott suggests in these times of stress:

Therefore, as a husband or son, express gratitude for what your wife and mother do for you. Express your love and gratitude often. That will make life far richer, more pleasant and purposeful for many of the daughters of Father in Heaven who seldom hear a complimentary comment and are not thanked for the multitude of things they do. As a husband, when you sense that your wife needs lifting, hold her in your arms and tell her how much you love her.

---
8/27/12 update
I was reading a summary from the Women and the LDS Church conference over at the Juvenile Instructor blog.  I wanted to save this summary here where I won't forget it -- a sociological finding showing some basic differences between men and women, particularly regarding religion.

Session Two presented various analytical approaches to women’s agency in the contemporary church.  David Campbell presented some statistics taken from a recent survey of 500 “active” Mormon men and women.  For one, Campbell and his colleagues found no significant difference between men and women in their level of religiosity and devotion to the LDS Church, as well as a very small difference in both group’s support for an all-male priesthood.  And so, Campbell concluded, from a “sociological perspective, patriarchy works, because it keeps men tied to the religion.”  Some feminist bloggers have already jumped all over this as a kind of apologia for unquestioned patriarchy, but Campbell presented other findings indicating more complexity in Mormon women’s reactions to the their religious experiences.  These included women’s much greater preference for personal revelation over obedience to authority, and female emphasis on “helping others” as a mark of faithfulness over men’s emphasis on “sinlessness.”

Nurture, Provide, Protect

I recently read something inferring that the counsel in The Family:  A Proclamation to the World was out-dated and highly influenced by a lot of old men who clung to old stereotypes.  I tend to believe it is Divinely inspired and teaches eternal truths about family, women, and men.  In support of our inherent male/female natures as reflected in the Proclamation, I recently read an interesting view from therapist, Maurice Harker.

Inside of every woman I have ever worked with these is a drive, a power, and insatiable urge to Celestialize everything. I call this blessing/curse, “Celestial Orientation”. Most of the masculine population has mocked it for years, but I fear that we will be punished for doing so. You hear this drive coming from women when you hear them say things like, “Why can’t we all just get along?” Or, “Why can’t week keep our home clean and beautiful like a temple?” In most cases, and unless otherwise “burned”, women tend to give others the benefit of the doubt. They tend to assume everyone is going to be kind and everyone is going to play fair, and it is often a surprise to them when this does not happen.

I will use a story that I often use in therapy to help a woman understand what is going on inside her [when things go wrong]. . . .

Pretend you . . . are a pioneer woman, and you are crossing the plains, all by yourself (other than your children) in a covered hand cart wagon. The journey is tough. . .but you are whistling a happy tune and making the best of it.

Out of no where, a half dozen Indian warriors on horse back come riding out of a near by valley and proceed to circle your little wagon. You have a little anxiety at first but then you do what any woman would do in the situation, and you greet them kindly in hopes of making new friends! How kind of the local tribe to send out a welcoming party! After greeting them with smiles, waves and pleasant chatter (Celestial interaction style), you are surprised to see them retaining their stone faced expressions.

The Indians sternly tell you, “Actually, we are here to rape you and take your children for our slaves.” Awkward!

So then you try a Terrestrial intervention. It occurs to you that these men have women and children at home and may have some unmet needs. “I have a little bit of extra flour and a few extra blankets we made in our quilting group back home. Perhaps I could give you those and you could take them back to your families and we could go on our merry way. Yes?”

The Indians look at each other, shake their heads and begin closing in. “Lady, we are here to rape you and take your children for our slaves.” Double awkward!

At this time, the female brain starts to go through something that is almost like a ripping sensation. 1000 miles per hour she tries to come up with alternatives. She remembers she has a shot gun in the wagon, but she also remembers these men probably have women and children back at home. She seeks for a way out, but eventually, the dark persistence of the men forces her to make a decision. She decides to use the gun on the Indians.

Ask the smoke clears, she finds 6 dead Indians on the ground and her children are safe. Then, she does what most women would do, she drops the gun, falls to the ground and bursts into tears; tears of guilt. And every day for many years to come, she is going to feel guilt, “Did I really have to kill those Indians? Maybe if I had listened to the Spirit more closely, I could have found a better way.”

We all know that a man in the same story would have skipped the first two interventions, killed the Indians, put six notches on the side of his wagon, and six scalps hanging from the back.

We learn in the Family Proclamation that women are designed to nurture. We learn that men are designed to provide and protect.

Men

My friend, Andrea, sent this to me.  You may have seen it on facebook floating around.

We need to teach our daughters to distinguish between a man who flatters her - and a man who compliments her. A man who spends money on her - and a man who invests in her. A man who views her as property - and a man who views her properly. A man who lusts after her - and a man who loves her. A man who believes he is God's gift to women - and a man who remembers a woman was God's gift to man...And then teach our boys to be that man.

Sexualization in Society

These two articles from the Deseret News were just too good to pass up.  Kudos to the Deseret News for publishing them.

The end of innocence: The cost of sexualizing kids

Sexualizing kids: No child left behind — and fighting back

A few quotes from both articles:

"As a society, we know more about women who look good than we know about women who do good," (first article).

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(The rest are from the 2nd article.)

While saying no is a natural parental instincts, he says the optimal approach is to help their child understand why a certain TV show or piece of clothing is not OK. "You'd be surprised at how reasonable children can be when rules are accompanied by an explanation," he says. "Children are always learning. If they're not learning from their mothers or fathers, they are going to learn from other sources."

...

Jenny Wykstra, a registered nurse from West Jordan, has figured out a way to help guide her three children without just saying something is bad or wrong.

She watches TV with her teens, 15, 14 and 13. And she pays attention to what they are looking at on the computer. When something sets off the alarm bells in her brain — and it happens a lot — she asks them questions.
"Wow, check out that girl's outfit. What do you think of it?"

She's genuinely interested, she says. But she's also guiding them through a process of analyzing things critically. "What do you think they're trying to sell?" she asks when a model runs her fingers through her luxurious hair for a shampoo commercial. "Is it just shampoo?"

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Levin traces the introduction of the "sexualized childhood" to the mid-1980s deregulation of TV ads for children by the Federal Communications Commission, which allowed development of toys directly related to programming.

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"What's going on here in 21st Century America is a war of values," wrote Annie Fox, a Cornell graduate who has written several books on teens. "On one side, parents doing their best to raise healthy young adults. And what are we up against? The marketing might of multi-billion dollar corporations. You probably don't need anyone to tell you who's winning."

...

"One girl told me [dressing provocatively] made her feel wanted," Evert says. "I told her, 'What are you hoping for — to be gawked at or to be loved? What do you want to be wanted for? If a guy really cares, he should want you for more than your body parts. I always tell the girls 'You will never convince boys of your dignity until you convince yourself.' "

...

On Aug. 31, 1,600 people used the Internet to protest a shirt being sold on JC Penney's website. The $10 shirt was emblazoned with "I'm Too Pretty to Do Homework, So My Brother Has to Do It for Me." The ad copy with it said, "Who has time for homework when there's a new Justin Bieber album out? She'll love this tee that's just as cute and sassy as she is."

Within four hours of the launch of an online petition drive by change.org, JC Penny yanked the shirt off its shelves, overwhelmed by the response.


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And of course, there were several quotes/references to the Kite sisters from Beauty Redefined!  Go girls!