Put on display like a trophy?

Recently we went to the outdoor Logan Aquatics Center and had a great time.  We especially had fun going down the water slides.  After taking our tiny 4-year old down the twisty slide a couple times, I was shocked that she wanted to go all by herself.  She did it two times.  Thankfully, the lifeguards were prepared to catch her at the bottom!

I noticed while there that lots of females wore cute, flattering, and even modest swimsuits --- if you can call a swimsuit modest!  And, of course, there were plenty of bikinis --- the more endowed the woman, the smaller the bikini (seems).  I tried not to notice the flesh hanging out all around me.

As I waited in line for one of the water slides with my daughter, several males, and other modestly-suited females, a very attractive mother in a blue and white polka-dot bikini came up the stairs and stood a few people behind us.  She looked great: thin, smooth, hairless, rounded in all the right places.  I totally checked her out.  OK, not in a sexual way, but first in a stunned way that she'd be okay that all these people could see her in her near naked state.  I wondered if she really felt okay like that, especially with her little daughter standing right beside her.

Secondly, I looked at her like she was on display.  I looked at her like I would look at someone's Emmy Award if they showed it to me.  Why would you look away when an award winner shows you her prize?  It is on display after all --- all shiny and bright, just wanting to be looked at and admired.  I looked at her the same way I look at the punk kid with long hair and dumpy clothes who walks up to the Sacrament table to prepare the Sacrament.  Are you serious?  He thinks that is becoming of the Lord?  I looked at her like I look at a person covered with tattoos or piercings or makeup.  Don't they do those things to their bodies because they want to stand out?  They want to be different?  They want you to look?  Oh, you don't want me to look at your tattooed arm and neck?  Uh, sorry, it was kind of hard not to notice.

Are we modest when we do these things?  I don't think so.  Modesty is blending in, not drawing attention to oneself, but honoring God and glorifying him in all we do, not taking the glory ourselves.

Now of course, some women DO want to be looked at and lusted after, and I guess they have their wish when they go to the pool.  However, some are ignorant like the cute teens in their bikinis who haven't yet realized that the 40-year old men are checking them out just as much as the 17-year old guys. Do they really want that?

As I began to feel that the women in bikinis were putting themselves on display, I began to not feel so bad for looking.  I also didn't feel quite so ashamed for the men checking out the women.  Hey, if the women didn't want to be looked at, they could have chosen something different to wear.  More seriously, I really don't know what women think when they wear bikinis as I've never asked a bikini-wearer why she wears one, nor have I ever worn a bikini to know what would go through my head.

In a 1979 question to Ann Landers, both Ann and the inquisitor share my thoughts.

Dear Ann Landers: . . . I am getting a lot of flak from my college freshman daughter in regard to whether or not a girl who wears a bikini is an innocent little thing or a smart little teaser.  I don't buy the line, "Dirty thoughts are in the mind of the beholder." I am fed up with this worn-out excuse for all sorts of exhibitionism.

Isn't it about time we woke up to the fact that a girl in a bikini is sexually stimulating?  My daughter says, "Only to men with evil minds." What do you say, Ann? --- Concerned Parent

Dear C.P.: I'm with you, especially when it comes to those generously endowed dames who wear postage-stamp bottoms with spaghetti string bras.  When she bought the bikini she knew how much of her would be on display.

Too bad these over-exposed females don't know that a woman's greatest asset is a man's imagination.

I am absolutely of the opinion that men should control their thoughts, but should they really be expected not to notice or look at the rear of the woman in front of them in line a couple steps up?  Well sure, but I can't imagine it could be easy.  All I can say here is along with my other good, Christian (or any other high-/traditional-valued) sisters for modesty, can't we just give these men a break?!  Can't we do them a favor by not showing so much skin?

So what was I wearing to keep me from being put on display you may wonder.  Well, there were three reasons for how I dressed: practicality, body insecurity, and respect.

First, practicality.  My aunt and uncle lived in Australia for three years.  I was tickled when I learned that lots of people there swam in rash guards.  Fantastic!  A swim shirt would protect me from the sun, allow me not to spend so much time applying sunblock, and keep me more modest.  A win, win, win!   I bought one, and that is what I wear the majority of the time I swim outdoors.

http://www.buy-rash-guards.com/womens-rash-guard.html

Second, body insecurity.  I chose to wear board shorts (ok, they were Wal-Mart running shorts because I can't fit into my old board shorts, and I didn't want to fork out the money for new ones) for the sun protection, use of less sunblock, more modesty, less shaving, and my body insecurities.

Honestly, I'm really insecure about my thighs.  My shape is kind of that of an oompa-loompa and my cottage cheese, I mean fat, is stored on my thighs.  It's really not attractive.  How I wish I wasn't programmed to be so concerned about it, but I am.  I admired the younger gal at the aquatics center whose belly hung out over her bikini and wondered if she knew she looked like that.  If she did, good on her for not worrying about it.  I was jealous of the men, some also with bellies, in their knee-length swim trunks and wished my shorts were longer.  I wondered how many other people felt as self- conscious about whatever body part as I did about my thighs. I realized that even some beautiful-looking people probably felt just as insecure as I did.  I wish my main purpose in covering up was to merely be modest, but it's not.

Now, at this point since you know what I wore, you could argue that I was the one being immodest because I stood out for my more covered body.  Oh well.

Third, respect.  I believe that by being more modest I show myself, God, and others around me respect. I believe as stated in For the Strength of Youth that MY "body is God's sacred creation.  Respect is a gift from God. . . . Through [my] dress and appearance, [I] can show the Lord that [I] know how precious [my] body is.  [I] can show that [I am] a disciple of Jesus Christ."

In addition to me showing respect by my modesty, at least one recent study indicated that men more highly respect women who are modest (I need to find the reference).  They don't view them as body parts as they would view an immodest woman.  I've always valued intelligence, so it's only natural that I'd want to be valued and respected for my intellect rather than merely my looks, which would mean I ought to cover up.

In conclusion, I need to publicly apologize to the polka-dot bikini mom for gloating at her, but I also thank her for helping me better realize that I do not want to put myself on display to be looked at like a trophy, a tattoo, piercings, makeup, or whatever else we do to show off.


Somewhat related: Matt Walsh's view on porn & breastfeeding.

Modesty: What are you selling?

Loved this one on modesty at MMB by Nicholeen Peck!

My favorite part:

. . .everyone is selling something. Each person you meet is selling ideas, morals, standards, agendas, and products.”

“Products?” she questioned.

“Sure! If you like a certain kind of phone and you buy it and use it you are advertising for that company. If you listen to a certain song with your friends you are encouraging them to like that song and maybe even go buy that CD. If you tell a lie and then laugh about it with your friends because you got out of a responsibility, then you are selling the idea that lying is okay as long as it serves you like you want it too. And, if you wear that shirt which shows a lot of your chest, your mother knows you are selling your body. You are advertising that you are happy to show what you have. Which leads boys to think you would also be willing to share some of it with them. Those boys would never treat you as respectfully as they treat another girl who shows that she values her body. They will treat her like a lady, and you like an object. Your mother doesn't want that for you. She wants you to have the best boys liking you and she wants them to treat you right. You should respect yourself. And you should respect your mother and go change your outfit.”

Beauty & Insecurity

I've really been enjoying the food for thought about women's bodies & shame over at Women in the Scriptures.  There are also many great comments.  Basically, yes, there are times when we may not be clothed in public, like in a locker room at a pool, but why the insecurity about our bodies in those situations?  Apparently, men don't seem to be all worried about being nude -- especially in a locker room.

I began wondering how beauty is expressed in the rest of the world.  I wish I had more global experience or studied more anthropology about now!

We know that in the US/Westernized countries, there's a general ideal for beauty. I won't go into what it is, but you can figure it out -- just look at the billboards/magazines. We also

 know there's this drive among (some) women to want to look like those images. Why? Is it because it makes her feel good about herself? Is it because it attracts men? Does it provide a feeling of power? Is it a combination of some of the above?

Is this tendency to want to be the most attractive also true in other countries, particularly the non-Westernized ones? Do women still try and be beautiful? Do they do it for themselves? Do they do it to attract a mate?

In other countries, what defines beauty? Are some characteristics the same things as we see here?

In countries where there are arranged marriages, is there still this attractiveness competition between women? In countries where women are covered, is there also a competition for beauty?

In European countries where are the nude/nearly nude beaches, where people seem comfortable with their shape, is there still seeking to be the most beautiful/perfect body the rest of the time?

The Beauty Paradox

(Wow!  Two posts in one day, you mus be shocked!!)

You probably all saw Stephanie's post, The Beauty Paradox, a bit back at Diapers and Divinity.  I kept meaning to write about it, but was just... busy with other things.

However, since this has kind of become my personal file-folder of sorts, I still wanted to link to her post for future reference.

Favorite quotes:

". . .when young women dress immodestly, “they not only can send the wrong message to young men with whom they associate, but they also perpetuate in their own minds the fallacy that a woman’s value is dependent solely upon her sensual appeal. “"

"The world’s (and Satan’s) definition of beauty tries to convince us that only by using clothing, our bodies, and our looks can we have power and gain approval.  The approval that surface beauty seeks is the approval of men.  And women.  I have often wondered why women who are active Latter-day Saints, endowed in the temple, married (and therefore more informed on how men work) still choose to dress immodestly.  I do not think they are seeking attention from other men.  I think they seek attention and approval from women who have also bought into the importance of surface beauty.  I can’t fairly make any sweeping generalizations about this, but it’s important to ask the motive-question:  why would I choose clothing that portrays “sexy”?  It’s important to note that when we seek the approval of other people, that approval is fleeting and fickle.  Trends change, and we can easily find ourselves on a treadmill of shopping, beauty procedures, and self-absorption just trying to keep up with what the world of fashion demands."

"In the end, surface beauty causes us to seek approval from mankind and to get power from the wrong source.  Deep beauty, however, earns the approval of of our Heavenly Father, plus self-approval and self-respect.  This approval is lasting and unwavering.  Our virtue gives us confidence.  If you can look in the mirror each day and look into your eyes at your deep beauty, and feel the love and power that comes from living the gospel of Jesus Christ, then you are prepared to face whatever challenges may come your way with confidence.  Surface beauty gets you noticed, but deep beauty makes you PRAISEWORTHY.  When you are virtuous, you are worthy of respect and you are an example to others.  You wear the countenance of Christ, and you can comfortably draw upon Him for power and confidence."

A Comprehensive View on Modesty

NotMolly wrote this great essay on modesty -- all forms: body modesty, spiritual modesty, and temporal modesty.  Check it out; you'll probably like it.

The Death of Pretty

I really enjoyed this short article, "The Death of Pretty," in The National Catholic Register by Pat Archibald.  Archibald points out that women used to display an essence of beauty, innocence, and virtue, whether or not they really were.

"By nature, generally when men see this combination in women it brings out their better qualities, their best in fact.  That special combination of beauty and innocence, the pretty inspires men to protect and defend it."

However, now days, "Young women today do not seem to aspire to pretty, they prefer to be regarded as hot. Hotness is something altogether different. . . .  It is ironic that 40 years of women’s liberation has succeeded only in turning women into a commodity.  Something to be used up and thrown out. . . .But here is the real truth.  Most men prefer pretty over hot. . . . Our problem is that society doesn’t value innocence anymore, real or imagined. . . .  Nobody wants to be thought of as innocent, the good girl.  They want to be hot, not pretty.  I still hope that pretty comes back, although I think it not likely any time soon."

Don't be an object.

Some friends posted this on facebook -- scientific reasons to be modest!



11/22 addition: Just want to add, too, that even though this is cool research, it's NOT all about what men think about women, though. There's the entire angle of respect for ourselves, too.

I was a little confused, though, then at how men equate sex with love -- if when men see a scantily clad woman, he objectifies her, so isn't that what happens in the bedroom? Are our husbands really objectifying us, but covering it up as love? My husband reminded me of another study where men were shown porn, their frontal lobes shut down as is indicated in the video, but when the men were told about the women (if they were in school, if they had families, what they liked to do, etc.), they stopped objectifying the women. So, I'd assume that because our husbands know us as people, not as bodies, they don't objectify us, but really do equate sex with love -- as we've all been told, but find so hard to understand. If I remember/find the study he's referring to, I'll link.

Considering Modesty

Cami Checketts posted this over at your LDS blog:

. . .As I learn and grow in my testimony of the gospel I also have become much more conscious about . . . dressing modestly, clothing my body in a manner that is appropriate for a Latter-Day Saint mother.

To be honest I didn’t always feel the same rules of modesty applied at the gym. When I exercise I work hard and all I used to care about was being comfortable. But then I started to notice that my fellow gym rats were watching me a bit too closely. I realized that I couldn’t use the excuse that I was a happily married Momma of four and nobody should be looking because they were looking

The scripture that came to my mind was the Savior teaching, “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in her heart.” (i) I’m not saying that these men were lusting after me but I wasn’t being fair to them or myself by wearing a tank top that was a little too tight or shorts that were a little too short. If I’m not careful to cover my body appropriately no matter what activity I’m participating in, I’m using my body as a walking billboard that definitely isn’t furthering the Savior’s work. In fact, I’m blatantly advertising for the wrong team. . . .

Modest is not Hottest

Over the last few years I've frequently heard the slogan that "Modest is Hottest". More recently I've heard it used along with a quote by Emma Watson the actor who played Hermoine Granger in the Harry Potter movies. While I certainly support the advocacy for modesty I believe that the "Modest is Hottest" slogan and the comments by Emma Watson are honorable but misguided. Before proceeding with my explanation on why I think they are misguided I want to emphasize that my intent is not to attack Ms. Watson nor those who recite the "Modest is Hottest" slogan, but I want to share an observation on how ingrained societal values may interfere with our efforts to promote modesty.

Here is the pertinent part of the interview with Ms. Watson:

‘I find this whole thing about being 18 and everyone expecting me to be this object… I find the whole concept of being ‘sexy’ embarrassing and confusing. If I do a photo-shoot people desperately want to change me – dye my hair blonder, pluck my eyebrows, give me a fringe. Then there’s the choice of clothes. I know everyone wants a picture of me in a mini-skirt. But that’s not me. I feel uncomfortable. I’d never go out in a mini-skirt. It’s nothing to do with protecting the Hermione image. I wouldn’t do that. 

‘Personally, I don’t actually think it’s even that sexy. What’s sexy about saying, “I’m here with my boobs out and a short skirt… have a look at everything I’ve got”? My idea of sexy is that less is more. The less you reveal the more people can wonder.’

In this quote Ms. Watson makes an argument for modesty and the justification for modesty is that being modest is more sexy than being immodest, a similar sentiment is contained within the "Modest is Hottest" slogan. I'm aware of two definitions of the word "hottest" as it is used in this context. The first would be claiming that modesty is the most popular.  It is obvious that this interpretation is simply inaccurate.  The second definition would be the claim that modesty is more sexy.


The concern that I have with Ms. Watson's comments and the "Modest is Hottest" slogan is that both seem to be promoting modesty as a way to achieve greater sexiness. Both seem to recognize the negative effects of immodesty on girls and society but they ignore an underlying driver for immodesty which is a desire to be sexy. Women are constantly bombarded with messages saying that they must be sexy and a woman's value in society is largely based on their ability to arouse men's sexual desires. We are taught that a sexy women are valuable, loved and powerful. We as a society have so deeply accepted the role of a woman as a sex object that even when trying to promote modesty we do so by arguing for modesty as a means to achieve the goal of being even more sexually attractive. I do not believe that the purpose of modesty is to be sexy in fact I think the purpose of modesty is to not be sexy. This is not to say that a modest woman can not and will not be attractive*, but her attractiveness, personality, intelligence and kindness will be allowed to show because those around her will not be distracted or repeled by her immodest exposure. When we argue for modesty as a way to achieve greater sexiness any gains in modesty will be shallow and short lived. Furthermore we only re-enforce the incorrect and damaging view that a women's worth is defined by their sexual appeal.


When arguing for modesty we should not just argue for better behavior. We should instead expect better behavior by instilling in women a greater understanding of the true value of women and womanhood. As society learns to truly value women and not just their bodies then there will be no need for immodest clothing as immodesty will impart no perceived value nor power.

The interview with Ms. Watson is found here. Warning many of the pictures of Ms. Watson in the interview portray her in immodest clothing.

* A couple of notes. First I am not claiming that a woman should never be sexy, nor that a modest woman will not ever be sexually attractive. I'm arguing against the overt predominent sexuality promoted by immodest clothing. Secondly note that I am distinguishing between being attractive and sexy, unfortunately society unnecessarily conflates these two attributes.

When to say yes

Deila posted an insightful letter over at MMB regarding modesty.  In the letter, she stated, "Twenty years ago, I would tell my young daughter, "Barbie can wear this, but you can't--when you get married you can wear it in the bedroom."

Do you think in LDS culture we tend to forget the last part of that statement?  I thought saying things like this might help our girls be more comfortable with their bodies?

...

I just noticed this comment at the bottom of the page: 

I don't think modesty is just for the men. I have strong feelings about what immodesty does to women. It perpetuates the 'women as objects/sexual appeal as power' mentality. Men aren't the only ones who have a hard time looking past the surface appearance. There is a reason eating disorders, etc. are at an all-time high.

Modesty to me is about more than just class. It is about true power -- power that comes from self-respect and respect for others, from an ability to stay away from the dangerous myths about beauty and worth, from the ability to avoid the temptation to seek unrighteous dominion through sexual power, and from living according to truth about the body and sexuality as a gift and holy stewardship.

"Like."

Beauty Redefined Again

(This post disappeared when Blogger was down lat week, but here it is again!)

I know I posted about these gals already, but, if you feel so inclined to donate for their "Beauty Redefined" billboard campaign, there are still a few days left!



Also, they've distributed sticky notes all over the country that you can post places where real beauty ought to be exemplified.  If there's enough interest, they'll order and distribute more sticky notes!

More on Modesty

I wish I had time to further develop this thought here, but here are three points to drop into my modesty/chastity file.  Enjoy:

1. 195 Dresses:



2.  From a LAF/Beautiful Womanhood review of the movie Soul Surfer:

Mom, I don’t understand. Parents tell their daughters they’re supposed to dress modestly, and then they go crazy over this movie [Soul Surfer}, proving that modesty isn’t really all that important to them. It’s like girls at church are supposed to be modest, but it’s OK for boys at church to watch girls who are practically naked, as long as it’s in a movie. Modesty is either important or it’s not. If boys aren’t moved by a girl in a bikini, then what are they moved by? And why do I have to dress modestly?

3.  From President Monson's talk at the Priesthood Session of General Conference, April 2011:

Many movies and television shows portray behavior which is in direct opposition to the laws of God. Do not subject yourself to the innuendo and outright filth which are so often found there.

Why Do We Let Them Dress Like That?

Tiana at LAF/Beautiful Womanhood linked over to Why Do We Let Them Dress Like That? in the Wall Street Journal regarding how we let our daughters dress.

So this is pretty much half the article, but it was good:

Why do so many of us not only permit our teenage daughters to dress like this—like prostitutes, if we're being honest with ourselves—but pay for them to do it with our AmEx cards?

I posed this question to a friend whose teenage daughter goes to an all-girls private school in New York. "It isn't that different from when we were kids," she said. "The girls in the sexy clothes are the fast girls. They'll have Facebook pictures of themselves opening a bottle of Champagne, like Paris Hilton. And sometimes the moms and dads are out there contributing to it, shopping with them, throwing them parties at clubs. It's almost like they're saying, 'Look how hot my daughter is.'" But why? "I think it's a bonding thing," she said. "It starts with the mommy-daughter manicure and goes on from there."

I have a different theory. It has to do with how conflicted my own generation of women is about our own past, when many of us behaved in ways that we now regret. A woman I know, with two mature daughters, said, "If I could do it again, I wouldn't even have slept with my own husband before marriage. Sex is the most powerful thing there is, and our generation, what did we know?"

We are the first moms in history to have grown up with widely available birth control, the first who didn't have to worry about getting knocked up. We were also the first not only to be free of old-fashioned fears about our reputations but actually pressured by our peers and the wider culture to find our true womanhood in the bedroom. Not all of us are former good-time girls now drowning in regret—I know women of my generation who waited until marriage—but that's certainly the norm among my peers.

So here we are, the feminist and postfeminist and postpill generation. We somehow survived our own teen and college years (except for those who didn't), and now, with the exception of some Mormons, evangelicals and Orthodox Jews, scads of us don't know how to teach our own sons and daughters not to give away their bodies so readily. We're embarrassed, and we don't want to be, God forbid, hypocrites.

A Study of Visible Public Posterior Exposure in Modern Society

My dear husband is a pretty funny guy. When the style was to wear short shirts and low pants, he wrote "A Study of Visible Public Posterior Exposure in Modern Society."  Trust me, you'll laugh; or, maybe you'll be offended.

When he finishes his Master's in just a couple weeks, hopefully we'll see some more funny from him.

(P.S. That's not his real name on the article.  He doesn't want it popping up when people google him.)

Redefining Beautiful

I know this is old news by now (last October), but I just read about it on the Misfit Cygnet.  I pretty much never watch tv, so I'm a little behind the times.

These cute girls in Texas go a day a week without makeup so they can learn to be beautiful without it and so others can see who they really are.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wt1hxATNnG4&feature=related (sorry, couldn't get it to embed)

I don't really have anything against makeup, unless you wear so much that I can't see you behind it, but I liked the point that these girls want to be beautiful for who they are, not for what they look like.

Oh Vanity!

Two articles came in my Google Reader today:  Atlanta gave a new perspective on wedding dresses that I've never thought of before, and Steph has an explanation for why Utah is high on the anti-depressant and general vanity lists.  Here's part of what she said:

I’m obviously not an expert on these sociological matters, but I think I can see where some of this struggle originates.  LDS women are like other women throughout the world; we have struggles and sadness and insecurities.  There are also rampant mental health issues throughout our society, to which we are not immuned.  As I have become more and more of an adult, I have begun to see how many people, including many friends and family, struggle with depression, anxiety and consistently high stress.  Life is a pressure cooker that seems to take a great toll on our mental health.  We often need help.  It is safe to say that we all self-medicate.  When pressures are high and our ability to deal with them feels low, we turn to something to help us feel better.  Within the LDS faith, because of our doctrinal principles, we do not turn to the same things that many, many other people turn to in times of stress– drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, pornography or self-serving sexual behaviors, for example.  Perhaps our anti-depressant numbers are seemingly skewed because of this.  Other people with the same struggles self-medicate differently.  (I want to make clear that I do not have an anti-medication stance.  At all.)  Perhaps this also explains, in part, the obsession with beauty issues.  When women feel overwhelmed and empty, they look for ways to make themselves feel better, and for LDS women, fake eyelashes is not “against our religion.”  Whatever the reasons, which I really don’t know, I think we all need to do a better job of turning to the right place for help.

 ****
2/2/11:  I was thinking about the vanity thing this morning and was continuing to wonder why the Utah culture falls into it so much.  I was wondering if at least part of it is that "everyone else is doing it."  A few years ago we lived in a neighboring neighborhood.  Many of the people who lived there just happened to not be into "the bling" (gobby jewelry, purses, fancy pants, boots, etc.)  so it made it easy to go out without makeup, or to have very plain hair, etc.  In the neighborhood we live in now, many, if not most, people are into "the bling," and I admit, I do feel pressure to wear more makeup (at least some) and to look put together to be accepted.

An example, I showed up to a group activity a month or so ago.  Everyone was commenting on each other's tall, trendy boots.  All 5 other ladies were wearing them.  I wasn't; I don't have any, nor do I plan on getting any.  I was wearing my clearance mesh top summer shoes that I haven't bothered to replace with something warmer for winter yet.  So, I did feel a little left out because I wasn't wearing my trendy tall boots for everyone to admire, but then again, I don't care enough to go get some, particularly because it's a fad.

Once I asked my mom about this phenomenon, too.  Growing up we lived in a lower-economic and simple part of Salt Lake City.  When we grew out of that house, we moved to a more affluent city and my mom noticed the same thing happening.  Because some people were into "the bling," others felt pressured into it, too.  And if they didn't buy into it, they felt less acceptance by the blingers.

So, in sum, perhaps part of the reason we Utahns fall into the trend trap is that so many others already have, and we feel pressured to do so because everyone else seems to be doing it.  If we're lucky enough to land in a neighborhood where bling isn't a big deal, count your many blessings; simplicity will rub off on you, too!

****
2/17/10:  I've been thinking about this post and have to make a confession -- I'm not too vain about clothes or makeup, but, boy am I vain about my weight!  There ya go.

Miss Representation

This might be an interesting one to see:  Miss Representation.

From KSL.com:  "Miss Representation" focuses on how the mainstream American media objectifies women focusing on youth and beauty. The filmmaker spoke with high-profile women about how they rose above it.

Saw this also on facebook that relates:

From the Deseret News regarding Miss Representation: 

"We want to change the media message which is, 'women and girls are less important than boys,' " Davis said. "And we want to empower women and girls to reach their full potential."

From the article, I'm not sure if they believe staying home to raise a family is included reaching one's full potential, but I guess I'll have to watch the film to really find out.

Girls Gone Mild/The Good Girl Revolution

I just finished reading Wendy Shalit's Girls Gone Mild (or in paperback: The Good Girl Revolution).  Shalit focuses not only on modesty, but on the influence of pornography on our society and our relationships; sense of self, dignity, and altruism; friendship; bullying; and feminism.   In a nut shell, Shalit says maybe we can make the world a better place by being nice, good, and virtuous.  She still uses some pretty explicit examples throughout, which I hope are not the norm, but they do help her make her point.  It seems to be written for a younger audience (maybe high school), versus a college audience in A Return to Modesty, so it's an easier read.

On Friendship (chapter 5)

• Women need to be more supportive of one another; knock off all the competition, sexual and otherwise.

On Feminism

• ". . . the meaning of feminism is up for grabs right now.  The ground is rumbling, and the ideological fault lines are shifting. . ." (206-7).
• "'. . . the sexual revolution's excesses have led to a devaluation of women and men.  We're playing into the dumbness of men and the dumbness of women'" (208).  I like that she includes men here.  If women want to be like men, why don't we try to copy good men, rather than the most base?
• "The word itself [feminism] has become almost meaningless---and can refer to diametrically opposed ideas---and yet hearing what feminism means to others is still interesting and can tell you a lot.  Some people use the term to signal that they care about the dignity of women.  Others use it to indicate that they want to fight the notion of being dignified at all.  Usually to the youngest feminists, the idea of decency is tremendously appealing. . ." (208-9).  I identify with the dignity side.
• One woman who went along with the feminist movement of the 1970s said, "'Now that I'm on the other side of life, I feel completely ripped off by the feminists.  I ended up with [STDs] and two unwanted pregnancies which I terminated. . . .  My supposed sexual liberation brought me lots of heartbreak and regrets, far outweighing the jollies.  The feminists simply don't acknowledge the downside of this supposed liberation'" (211-212).
• '"To become a mother". . . is something that nearly "every girlfriend that I know" wants. . . .  "We're in our early thirties and there is that time that you have, and most of my friends do want that, and that is just the reality. . . . Your priorities change"' (216). 
• ". . .I came to think of these younger feminists as part of a fourth wave. . . . The  fourth-wavers question pornography instead of wishing to star in it.  They are more likely to be fans of Florence Nightingale than Nina Hartley [I don't know who that is, and I'm not going to Google it].  They are most taken with earlier feminists, the nineteenth-century women who were temperance advocates as much as suffragists.  The suffragists argued that women should own property and have the right to vote precisely so that they might improve society with their moral perspective and their feminized heroism.  The early feminists also believed in the sacredness of sexuality, it's interesting to note" (219).
• [Caring for a family] can seem less significant only if your sole criterion is external approval. . . .  . . .Does this mean that our private actions are intrinsically any less significant [than public]? (223)

I didn't find the book as amazing as I found A Return to Modesty, probably because the topic wasn't so new to me anymore.   I don't know that you need to read both of Shalit's books, but one will broaden your perspective on modesty.

Body Power

A while back I read Kathryn Soper's Why Standard's Night is Substandard.  She suggests that when we teach intimacy to young people, we tend to focus on young men bridling their passions and young women trying not to ignite that flame in young men.  She feels that we also need to discuss why some young women let their standards down:  the need for acceptance, love, joy, fulfillment, and one I hadn't thought of -- power.

I can't say power has been a huge factor in my life. I tend to fall in the Wendy Shalit camp where I'd rather be known and respected for my intellect than for my body (p. 30 Girls Gone Mild). However, I think Soper had a valid point that affects a lot of girls and women.

For example, I was at the grocery store on a busy day last December.  A woman was walking toward me wearing a tight, see-through, lacy, long-sleeved top with a skimpy tank top underneath.  The man walking in front of me noticed her, too.  I can't remember if he turned around after she passed to check out her back side, but I did notice the look of satisfaction on the the woman's face after she'd noticed she'd caught the man's attention!  I tried hard not to laugh!  Soper was totally right!

I believe Shalit would agree with Soper's point (p. 107, Girls Gone Mild), but she would also add more to the discussion regarding modesty in general.  After I finish Girls Gone Mild, I'll share some of her quotes.

A Return to Modesty

In 1999, about a month before I got married, my friend Elisa told me about A Return to Modesty by Wendy Shalit.  I don't know why I wasn't too interested in the book at the time.  Maybe I was too busy; maybe I didn't care; maybe I was afraid the book would be too much info for my innocent mind.

Every couple of years since then, my husband says, "Remember that book, A Return to Modesty that Elisa told you about?  You should read it."  Finally after reading a review of Shalit's Girls Gone Mild (2007), I have.

I've quite enjoyed the book.  I especially enjoyed it because mostly it was the culture I grew up in.  Shalit is just a year older than I am and finished college also just a year before I did.  She explores and expresses in so much detail all aspects of modesty and perceptions of sexuality in our culture.  It's like she boldly took the words right out of my mouth (or mind) and also put new thoughts into my head.  And yes, it definitely would have been too much for my innocent mind in 1999.  I could have used an edited (slightly censored) version of the book, especially back then!  (See how I had to crop the cover of the book?  Just a little too racy for me.)  Shalit agrees that she is defending modesty "in the most obscene way" so that "our culture would . . . reconsider it."  I think she's right in that.  You can tell she is well educated and has thought a ton about this topic.  Her writing is very good.  I haven't read so many big words in over a decade!

I know the book was mainly directed toward young, single people, not old, married people, but the message still applies -- especially in raising children.  Some points that stood out to me:

• Shalit writes about the sex education and attitudes towards sex in the public school systems in some states.  I had no idea it was that bad!  After reading that, I can definitely see why many people want to home-school their kids.  After reading also about the living arrangements at some colleges and the promiscuous attitudes among students, I can see why some girls want to be stay-at-home daughters and avoid the whole college scene.  I became extremely grateful for my upbringing in the bubble of conservative Utah.  I also became extremely grateful for the opportunities I had to go LDS colleges where we had curfews, we always had to have 3 in an apartment, curtains open if a guy was around, etc.  I was also glad that typically in Mormon culture, if your relationship with a boy dies after you've reached the kissing stage, at least all you've lost is just a kiss, nothing more important like your virtue!
• In the past, modesty kept women safe. Men respected women's modesty and respected that women were different.
• Maybe our inhibition and embarrassment about sex is there for a reason.  These feelings can protect us from getting hurt in an intimate relationship that is not committed.
• Women are more selective about a sexual partner than a man.  They want someone who will stick around.  A man doesn't get so romantically/emotionally involved, and is more okay with casual sex; however, some people want women to believe they are as unemotional about the whole idea as men.  The sexual revolution of the 1960s basically "'permitted . . . more access to women's bodies by more men; what it actually achieved was not a great deal of liberation for women but a great deal of legitimacy for male promiscuity; what it actually passed on to women was the male fragmentation of emotion from body, and the easily internalized schism between . . . sex and responsible loving'" (192).
• Kids do want rules.  They may not actually do what we say, but because we say it, at least they know we care and have some expectation of them.  We also need to listen to them and not brush off their concerns so they won't take even more extreme measures to get our attention. 
• Modesty can be more intriguing that bearing it all.  It also causes others not to judge a woman just by her body.
• If a man can get sex without a marriage commitment, then there's no reason for marriage -- and it ruins any romantic hope of women for catching a man for forever.
• Shalit also pointed out, not quite related to modesty, that it was not the "patriarchy" but feminist writings that discouraged young women from staying home and raising a family (142).

I am excited to read Girls Gone Mild now to see what has changed in 8 years.  I wish I could find the audio book because reading takes up so much of my precious time!