The Year of Intent

Have you heard of choosing a word of intent for your year? I have a few Uzzie friends who do this. They choose one word to focus on for the entire year. People choose words like: faith, success, happiness, gratitude, etc. The idea has always intrigued me, but I hadn't ever done it. I decided to try it out this year because, why not?

To put it lightly, last year was hellish. I lost my 26 year old cousin to cancer. My aunt was diagnosed with cancer. My grandpa passed away. I faced some other very personal challenges. There was just so much sadness, so much heartache, so much loss. I am still struggling with my grandpa's death. Every once in a while it will just hit me in the gut like a sucker punch, I miss him a lot. But anyway, back to my point, not my best year. (apart from Isilee who by far was the best part of my year)

It took me a long time to choose my word. I knew I wanted a word to help me focus on being more positive, to enjoy living more, to relish the moments that I have and not take anything for granted. I thought about 'happiness' and 'joy' but to me those words represent a state of being. I wanted to pursue those feelings, so I needed more of an action word. I was googling this and that and what not, when I stumbled upon the phrase, "Delight in your day". That was it. Delight. I don't want to just enjoy my children, I wanted to DELIGHT in them. I don't want to just muddle through marriage, I want to DELIGHT in my marriage.  I don't want to just survive life, I want to DELIGHT in it.  Delight was the action word that I needed.

There is a website called My Intent Project that will actually make you a bracelet with your word inscribed on it. I knew I needed to order myself one so that I would have a constant reminder of my goal for the year, after all, I am a very forgetful person who has a lot of good intentions thrown by the wayside. (I have a stack of un-mailed thank you cards to prove it)  It may sound silly, but it has actually helped me a lot. It has become the mantra I say to myself in my head when a kiddo wakes me up at three in the morning, "Delight in your children, for they won't be little for long." I say it when I have to set an alarm and wake up early, "Delight in your day because each day you live is a blessing." I have even found myself repeating it in a busy checkout line at the grocery store, "Delight in the fact that you no longer work at the grocery store and get to go home, while this poor cashier has to deal with the angry man behind you." And yes, sometimes my mantra comes out snarky or sarcastic, but even that helps me because it makes me "delight in my sense of humor".

It is only February so my word of intent project has only been going for about a month now, but so far I am happy with the experiment. I really hate setting new year resolutions because I never accomplish them and that just makes me feel bad about myself. Having a word of intent however is easy and doable and actually seems to be working. Granted I still have my bad moments and bad days but who doesn't? This might just become a yearly thing for me, I think I like it.

Regionals

This past Saturday I was able to join my Uzzie buddies in SLC for the Usborne regional training. It was a day full of motivational speakers, book reveals, friends, food, laughing, encouragement, idea-sharing, and so much more! Our V.P., Heather Cobb, was able to fly in from Tulsa, and she is such an incredible, inspiring woman! She talked to us a lot about failure, and that if we are not failing in life a little, we are probably doing something wrong. As someone who is constantly feeling like a failure and trying to overcome my fear of failure, I really needed to hear this.

It was such an amazing day! During these types of things they always say that you learn more about actually working this business talking to others, and not actually during the training. And I found that to be so, so true! After the official training, 25 UBAM ladies headed over to Cracker Barrel for dinner. I got SO many great ideas from the other three woman at my table, that were personalized to me and my business. It was so refreshing to talk with them and hear about their stories with this amazing business. We helped build each other up and shared our successes and ideas. All together a very, very uplifting day! Words can't even express how happy I am to have finally found my tribe. I love these fellow book ladies. I love this business.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from that day, followed by some pictures.

My very inspirational water bottle

Heather Cobb introducing us to THE CUTEST picture book in the history of ever!!!!! 

Look how cool this pop-up garden book looks?!

Anne of Green Gables picture book? Say what??!!

The free books I got for going. Free books is the name of our game after all! 

Our new catalog! I was super excited to get my hands on this puppy! 

And last, but not least, my amazing awesome team! 

My Fight Song

Being the fat girl at the gym is NOT easy. Comparison is the devil. Watching 90 year old's lap you in the pool sucks. I find myself constantly reminding myself:

• I have fibromyalgia and THEY have healthy bodies
• I have two bad knees (broke one when I was a teenager, hurt the other in my car crash)
• My anti-depressant made me gain 80+ pounds in less then a year

And then I thought.... are these reasons or excuses???

I needed a new FIGHT SONG!

So instead of my mantra being a list of my excuses, I wanted a phrase that would actually make me feel better about myself. Not the usual gym mantras like, "Just Do It", "Don't Quit" "Keep Going" "You've got this!" I needed something else. So this is the mantra that I came up with for me.....

drum roll please.....

"I'm lapping everyone on the couch!"

I may be going slower then every single person in the gym... but.... I am at the gym! I am trying! I am going! I am working! And it's time I give myself a little bit of credit for that right? I am trying really, really hard to not compare myself to miss skinny size two who is running full speed ahead at full incline on that treadmill in front of me. Instead, I am thinking, "Hey. There are people at home eating candy bars and watching Netflix and by golly, I am lapping THEM!" And that may sound really really really really lame to you, but for some reason, it brings a smile to my face every. single. time. So when I am counting down the minutes until my workout is over, I have those words pulsing through my head, and for a moment or two, I can push myself just a bit farther. 

My last workout I walked a mile and a half, biked three miles, and swam ten laps. That may seem super easy to you fitness goddesses out there, but the fact is,  I could NOT do that a month ago, and that  feels amazing! 

With a Deep Breath

Goodbye 2015.
You were not good to me.
There were glimmers of wonder and joy,
 but for the most part, I am not sad to see you go.

Life lessons were taught. So that holds value I suppose.
But through the trials and the pain,
I happily say farewell.



Guys, 2015 was hard. It was hard physically, mentally, and emotionally. It was one of the hardest years for our marriage. It was one of the hardest years for my depression. It was one of the hardest years professionally. It was one of the hardest years for me spiritually. It was just hard. Life is amazing in that through the difficult times you have these glimmers of wonderfulness that get you through the bad times. Like our vacation to San Diego, being able to attend the Usborne convention in Tulsa, and Leland's 2'nd birthday. Holidays are great, but were definitely harder this year without my little brother (he is currently serving a mission for the LDS church in Brazil). So don't get me wrong, there were amazing moments. But I feel no sorrow whatsoever as a new year is here. I am closing the chapter on 2015 with a thankful heart for my struggles, and am looking forward to 2016 with a renewed sense of hope for the future. Some people think that setting goals in January is cliche, but I need January. I hate January. But I need January. I like the newness of January. I like the idea that 2016 is MY year, and that anything can happen. I have big plans for January. Some of which include:
-Getting healthy (Justin and I joined a gym last week. Yay!)
-Writing Zach more letters (emails don't count)
-Promoting to team leader in Usborne (anyone want some free books? *wink wink*)
-Saving up some money for a vacation (more on that later)
-Getting my butt back in church (was just called as a sunbeams teacher... thank you Bishop for not really giving me the option to skip church anymore)
-Become more social and make new friends (so hard for me but I am gonna do it if it kills me!)
-And last, but not least, blog more!

So, with a deep breath, I begin a new chapter in my life.

Pay it Forward

The other day at the library I was helping a woman who had a $1.00 fine. She handed me a ten dollar bill and asked me if I would put the extra money towards someone’s fines that really needed it because they were struggling financially or what not. She said she hadn’t done any service for the day yet and so decided that this would be her service. I was very touched by this. It sounded like she tried to do something like this at least once a day. What a great way to live right? All that she asked was that I ask the person who received the money to pay it forward in some small act of service for someone else.

A little later on a new mom came in with her three small children and a newborn in her arms. She had a substantial fine (for the library anyway) and said that she hadn’t been able to bring the books back on time because she was on bed rest and maternity leave. I decided that this would be the perfect person to give the money to. When I told her that someone had paid for her fines she was shocked and seemed so incredibly grateful. I told her that her benefactor simply asked her to do some kind of service for someone else in return. The lady said that she most definitely would and thanked me profusely, though I didn’t do anything.

I know nine dollars doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it kind of was to me. And I’m sure it was to the woman who received it. It inspired her and all of the librarians to do something kind and pay it forward. I want to live like this generous woman. I may not have a lot of excess money, but I can do small things. She made me want to pay it forward, and I hope this story makes you want to too! 

It's My Pity Party and I'll Cry if I Want To

For the last little while I have been having one big fat pity party for myself.  From a paralyzed face, a concussion, getting a new car, having that car break within a week, a broken oven, broken washing machine, etc. it has been a rough couple of months in the Palmer home. We also have some family members that are going through especially difficult trials, so add all of that up and throw the holidays in the mix and you get one stressed out, tired, and overwhelmed girl. I don’t know what was wrong with me, but I never, not once felt the Christmas spirit this year. It’s probably because I was so self-involved and Christmas time is supposed to be a time of charity. Bottom line, the holidays kind of sucked…. Big time.

This last weekend I decided I needed a break from my life so I ran away to my parent’s home. It was a really nice little get away and definitely cured my ‘holiday homesickness’ that I had been feeling. Is it weird that I am 26 years old, have been away from home for eight years, and still get homesick? Anyway, on Sunday I went to my home ward for church and it was a completely different experience than I have ever had in my own ward. This is the ward that I grew up in. Most of the people there have known me since I was three years old, so I had tons of people come up to me, take a peek at Leland, tell me it was good to see me, ask how I was doing, etc. etc. etc. I felt welcomed and loved and it was so nice to have people in church actually know who I was and call me by name. Because I was feeling so welcomed and so happy I was able to feel the spirit so strongly. I haven’t been to church in…. a long time. Like a really long time. I feel ashamed writing that, but I have really struggled spiritually lately. Every Sunday morning I come up with a million and one reasons of why I shouldn’t go to church that day. But this last Sunday made me realize two things. #1. Having friends at church makes a huge difference. I think part of the reason that I struggle with my church attendance is that when I go to my ward no one talks to me. I feel like no one knows me there, and they don’t really care to. I sit all by myself in Relief Society counting down the minutes until Justin joins me for Sunday School. I feel so lonely and it is a terrible feeling to have at church. #2. I didn’t realize that I was starving my spirit by not going to church. I have been ornery and cranky and so selfish lately, and I think it is mostly due to the lack of spirituality in my life. My soul hungers for the gospel and I was denying it, literally starving it to death. I didn’t realize how much I missed church until I went back and my soul sighed with relief from the spiritual nourishment that it had received.

So this year my main goal, or New Year’s resolution if you will, is to feed my spiritual side. Because I miss church. I miss reading my scriptures. I miss praying. And I miss having gospel conversations with people. When people ask me to go to the temple with them I want to be ready to go and not have to hang my head in shame that I don’t have a current temple recommend. I have gone through spiritual ups and downs  before, and they always mark some of the darkest days of my life. You would think I would learn my lesson by now but I just don’t. Pride circle remember?

I am excited for 2013 to be over. It was a hard year for me, largely in part because I was pregnant for more than half of it, but also because we had some pretty hard trials come our way.  I like fresh starts. I look forward to the things that 2014 will bring. It’s exciting, this being able to start over thing and gaining a desire to do better, be better.