Girl Talk

When I got pregnant I really really really did NOT want a girl. And if you ever tell Isilee that I will deny deny deny! Growing up I had terrible experiences with girls. I don't know why I always seemed to attract the "mean girls" as friends- but I never really had good experiences with my so called friends. They were the type of girls to cancel plans last minute if a boy came knocking, to gossip and spread rumors about you behind your back, to be besties with you when things were going well for you, but then drop you like a ton of bricks when you actually needed them. I even had one friend date the guy that I was crazy in love with just to prove that she could get him and I couldn't, true story. I always got along much better with my guy friends. I am not a big fan of girls. I don't like drama queens. I don't do the whole girly-girl thing. And I definitely can not stand divas. So I just didn't want to raise a girl to become those things, or even for her to have to deal with those things the way that I did.

I was hoping and praying for a boy. Boys are easy. Boys are nice. My boy is awesome, incredible, wonderful, loving, kind, hilarious, etc. I wanted another one.

However. God had a different idea for me. The weeks leading up to when we found out the gender I knew God was working on me. I am the Activity Days Leader in our ward (8-11 year olds) and I love my girls. They are sweet and kind to one another. They are polite and helpful. They are funny and adorable. The more I spent time with them the more I realized that I wouldn't mind raising a girl to be like one of them. Then that Halloween I worked my usual Pumpkin Palooza booth in Kaysville and my heart practically exploded at all the princesses, cowgirls, fairies, mermaids, etc. I realized what I would be missing out on if I didn't have a girl. Boy costumes are so boring. There were many other occasions where I knew that God was working on me, so that by the time that our big gender reveal appointment came, I not only knew it was a girl, but I wanted it to be a girl. And of course, it was. And I was excited.

The second I laid eyes on Isilee I was in love. I literally felt my heart jerk out of place when I saw her for the first time. She is perfect. I am so glad she is mine. The boys went out for a father-son date and I said "It's just us girls" to Isilee- it may seem ridiculous, but in that moment I knew that I was raising my best friend. I got really excited for that possibility. Just us girls. Isilee made the genders even in our home and I like that a lot. I am excited to paint her nails, dress her up, buy barbies and dolls and ponies and trolls- oh the shopping! Thank heavens for little girl toys and make up and dress-ups! I know the teenage years will be hard, but hopefully I can raise a kind, caring, confident girl who doesn't put up with bullies and stands up for those that are being bullied. I am excited for the future I have with my daughter and I am thankful that Heavenly Father knows what I need and doesn't listen to what I think I want.

Endings and New Beginnings

There is a tornado of emotions swirling within me right now. I am approaching my last two weeks of being pregnant and struggling with all of the feelings that accompany that. There is a very good chance that this is the last time in my life that I will ever be pregnant again, so there's that. Although I do not like being pregnant, I understand and am eternally grateful for how lucky I am to have the ability to be pregnant so easily without any complications or years and years of waiting for it to happen. I can definitely appreciate the miracle that growing and carrying a baby inside of you is. This baby girl of mine is a wiggle worm and I know in my heart that I am going to miss that feeling. To be able to feel something so precious is something too sacred to put into words. So yes, I am going to miss this. But there is also a feeling of excitement and anticipation to meet her. An anxiousness to finally have her in my arms and a real, tangible part of our family.

There is also this overwhelming feeling of guilt I feel for my first born. Being a second child myself, I am a little confused by this feeling, but it is there all the same. Will Leland be okay? I find myself asking this question at least a million times a day. Its been him and I for so long now, almost four years. We are best buddies. How will a second child change the dynamic between us? How much jealousy will he feel towards his baby sister when mom is having to give her so much of her time and energy? Will he digress? Will my relationship with my son change for the worse? Everyone tells me that it somehow just works. That your love as a mother is not divided, but multiplied. I pray they are right. I pray that Leland is strong enough to handle all of this change that is headed his way. It seems like a lot to ask of a three year old. I find myself lately craving to be near Leland, to soak up these last few precious moments I have alone with him. For some reason I am finding it very difficult to say goodbye to this time of our lives, but that only makes me feel guilty towards my second child. This mom guilt thing is a terrible feeling, like neither of my children can both win.

And there is that dreaded feeling of fear. A fear that is so overpowering it threatens to wash me away completely. The beast is coming. I know it is. I may have better tools to fight it this time, but it is coming nonetheless.  It is unavoidable, that beastly monster of depression that comes after birth. Postpartum depression is a foul, loathsome, demon that haunts me even before it has arrived. It nearly tore my marriage apart last time. What horrors will it have in store for me this time? There is nothing but dread in the pit of my stomach when I think about this. Can my family afford to have this creature of darkness enter our home? Are we strong enough?

Some how we will all make it through the next few months in one piece. There will be a day in the future when I come back to read this blog and laugh at myself for being such a worry wart and for not having more faith. At least, I have hope for that day anyway. I am nervous to have a newborn again. I am anxious thinking about the long nights with no sleep. I worry about my son. I am scared for postpartum depression. I am excited to meet this baby girl. I am slightly concerned about the medical bills headed our way. I am a million different emotions in one very tired and very pregnant body. So I sit at my computer in the middle of the night, too stressed out to sleep, and I type it all out. And somehow, I feel better.

Ramblings of a Prego Lady

The decision to have another child was not an easy one for me. Okay, let me re-phrase that, the decision to get pregnant again was not an easy one for me. In my naive teenage years I always thought I would have four or five kids. And then the first one came and though he is mostly an angel, the entire experience was absolutely awful. He isn't awful. I was awful! When I was pregnant with Leland I lost over 60 pounds. I threw up every single day I was pregnant and every hour I was in labor. They told me that morning sickness would only last my first trimester- HA! First trimester my ass! Add the sickness to the raw emotions and mood swings and quite frankly, I was a beastly mess. After he came along the nausea and throwing up thankfully went away, but the mood swings did not. For the next year or two I was plagued with some of the darkest depression I have ever experienced. Those days marks the worst fights that Justin and I have ever had. I ruined friendships. Tested my family. I basically felt like I was drowning and I was taking everyone around me down with me.

However, I never wanted my son to be an only child. How boring would that be for him? Deciding to go through my living hell again, after finally feeling like I could breathe again, was hard. People kept asking me when I was going to give Leland a sibling, and time was ticking ever-onward, but I knew what was right for me. I didn't want my children to be farther apart in ages, I needed them to be. I needed time to let my body and mind heal. I needed to finally enjoy motherhood for a while before I entered the living hell again. And I knew that throwing up every day with a 3 year old would be much, much easier then with an 18 month old. I am so glad that I waited. Leland is much more independent these days and can be left alone for short periods of time. He isn't as needy and although I feel bad for letting his shows babysit him, it is wonderful that he can sit quietly for a while while mommy is on the bathroom floor.

This time around has definitely not been easy. But I feel like being more open about my struggles has helped a lot. I have more support. My mom and mother in law have been wonderful for taking Leland for a while and giving him a break from the barfing. I have friends and neighbors who offer to watch him on my really bad days. 12 weeks in and I am already down 20 pounds. I feel like I have entered that scary world of barely living on survival mode. I haven't been a good wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, grand-daughter, etc. I hate that feeling of only doing what's absolutely necessary and not being able to do a whit more then that. I am frustrated. I am on two different prescriptions from my doctor, wearing sea-bands every day, and doing another number of home remedies for nausea, and still, nothing works. Being this sick for this long is both physically and emotionally draining.

I am also grateful. I feel so grateful for being able to feel Heavenly Father's awareness of me and my suffering. An example of this happened this week. On Monday I was not able to get a single piece of food down my throat without gagging. I was worried about what going so long without food or drink would do to my baby because it wasn't getting the nutrition it needed. That night I jumped on Facebook and asked my friends for advice. Not only did they offer advice, but they gave me consoling words and some of them even offered to pray for me. I was still discouraged, and hungry, but their kindness touched me deeply. The next morning I woke up and I knew instantly something had changed. I didn't feel sick. I didn't have the immediate urge to run to the toilet. I haven't had a morning like that since I got pregnant. That day I was not only able to get a meal down, but to keep it down. And for the first time, in a long time, I felt thirsty. It was a miracle. Maybe a small and simple miracle, but a miracle nonetheless. That day I could literally feel the prayers of others benefiting me and lifting me up. I have heard people say that they can feel other people's prayers for them, but I have never experienced it first hand. After such a long, hard few weeks, I really needed that win. All I really wanted was just one day, one good day to not feel sick, and I got it after one of my worst days. I think Heavenly Father knew I needed a break and He gave it to me. I feel nothing but gratitude.

I have had many small instances that buoy me up and give me the strength to carry on one more day through this misery. Watching Leland sleep. A good belly-laugh with my friend. A date with my husband. Being inspired by General Conference. They are all such small things but each one gives me the strength to go on.  One of the biggest miracles was when I had my first ultra sound. I was able to witness my small jelly bean jumping and dancing and wiggling and I don't think anything is more miraculous then that. I have life inside of me and that is amazing. I know this suffering will be a blink in time and in April I will be holding one of God's most miraculous little miracles in my arms and I'll think, "Well, that wasn't really so bad was it?" And who knows, maybe in a few years I will be stupid enough to sign up for this all over again. All I can say is, thank heavens these precious angels are worth it!

34 Weeks

Yesterday I went to my 34 week baby doctor appointment. Everything is still looking good. Baby Boy is growing, his heart sounds good, and all is well! She told me that our goal is to keep him in for at least 2 more weeks and then after that he will be full grown enough to come any time! (gasp!) That seems so fast, but I honestly wouldn't mind too much if he arrived early. Mostly because I am getting pretty dang miserable. This whole pregnancy whenever I tell anyone who already has had kids my due date they just sigh, shake their heads, and tell me how sorry they are for me that I will be pregnant in the heat of the summer. I didn't necessarily think they were lying or making it seem worse than it really was going to be, but holy heck! They were absolutely 100% right when they said that I was going to be HOT and MISERABLE!! I feel like all I do is just sweat buckets. I probably stink 24/7 so you better steer clear for a while! All I can say is that I am thankful for central air in our home because if I had been pregnant in our first apartment in the summer I may have just pulled a Wicked Witch of the West and melted to death! I am also experiencing some contractions, which is completely normal. Baby Doc says that it's my bodies way of practicing for labor (bodies are amazing things aren't they?) Anyway, last night I had such a strong contraction that I pulled a muscle on my side. I told Baby Doc about this and she said that it was normal as well and it is common for the muscles around your lungs to swell when you are pregnant. If my blood pressure were high it would concern her but right now she isn't too worried. So along with the being hot and miserable, having a broken toe, the common back and neck pains, I also have a very sore right rib cage now that hurts every time I move too quickly. Oh the joys of pregnancy! Oh and did I mention that Sunday morning I woke up so swollen that I literally had to pry my wedding ring off? My fingers, ankles, and toes are about double in size. Baby Doc says this is because of the heat and I have been ordered to drink at least 64 oz. of water a day and elevate my feet for an hour a day. I am such a bad drinker so the water thing is going to be hard for me- but I'll do my best!

Okay, so enough of the complaining. On to the happy things. Baby Doc says that Baby Boy should be moving about ten times every two hours and I am pretty sure he surpasses that. He is moving around in me like crazy and I never ever get sick of that feeling. I love it! There really isn't anything like it. Every time I feel this little guy a big smile comes to my face. This whole pregnancy has been really rough, but it's when I feel him move that I feel bad for my husband. Men will never know that amazing feeling of having their children move inside their bodies, and it makes me kind of sad. I already am in love with this kid so much and there is just no way that Justin can feel as connected to our little boy as much as I do now. Fathers are missing out and women are the lucky ones. Yes pregnancy sucks big time sometimes. But the joys it brings far outweigh any of the pains. I feel so blessed to be having this experience with my son. I wouldn't trade it for the world!

And on an end note, last Saturday two of my best friends threw me an awesome Dr. Seuss baby shower (I am decorating the nursery in Dr. Seuss... pictures coming when it's finished). It was a really good turn out with good food, cute decorations, and fun games. I am so grateful for all of the hard work that they put into it and am super grateful for everyone that came! It meant so much to me and I was overjoyed with the turnout. Baby Boy got spoiled of course and I got some amazing presents. It made me even more excited for him to get here so that I can use everything and dress him up in all these cute clothes! Thanks everyone! You rock!

First Pictures

The doctor said this image captures him right after he was sucking his thumb.  You can see the trail.

He is going to be a boxer. He had his hands up the entire time. 

He has my cheeks. haha. Ah. He is already so cute to me. 

He left absolutely no room for doubt! Definitely 100% boy! 

Reflections and Resolutions

Happy New Year! I can't believe that another year has come and gone, time is going by so freaking fast! 2012 was a great, great year for Justin and I. Here is some highlights of the year 2012:

-- Becoming an Aunt and Uncle. In May my sister in law had a baby girl named Tenley. Who knew that it was possible to love another person's kid as much as we love that little girl! I LOVE being an aunt!

-- Buying a Home. This was probably the most stressful yet rewarding thing we have ever done. Being homeowners is so rewarding and so hard and so wonderful. We love our home.

-- Getting a dog. Ever since I graduated from high school in 2006 I couldn't wait to find a place to live that allowed pets. I wanted a dog so dang bad! Well, in August Zorro joined our family. How were our lives ever complete without that little weirdo?

-- Going on some great mini vacations. Justin and I decided that we couldn't really afford a great big vacation this year so we took some mini ones to a junk yard in Idaho for his birthday, St. George to see Aladdin at the Tuacahn for my birthday, and a super fun, family filled weekend in Bear Lake for my mom's birthday.

--Some of the greatest holidays to date that were filled with lots of extended family, great food, lost of laughs, and wonderful memories made.

--Celebrating our one year anniversary.

--And last, but definitely not least- finding out that we were pregnant. What a whirlwind of emotion that was (and still is).

I am really excited for 2013. And kind of already wishing it away haha. I definitely will try very hard to be patient and try to love the present, but in all honesty most of this year I will spend pregnant, so yeah- I can't wait for August when we finally get to meet our little baby Palmer. We are also headed back to the Tuacahn in May for Mary Poppins so I am pretty excited for that as well. Other than that we will try a little harder, do a little better, and love each other a little more.  I definitely think this next year will trump last year and I am pretty happy about that. So happy new year everyone! And good luck with those resolutions!