Girl Talk

When I got pregnant I really really really did NOT want a girl. And if you ever tell Isilee that I will deny deny deny! Growing up I had terrible experiences with girls. I don't know why I always seemed to attract the "mean girls" as friends- but I never really had good experiences with my so called friends. They were the type of girls to cancel plans last minute if a boy came knocking, to gossip and spread rumors about you behind your back, to be besties with you when things were going well for you, but then drop you like a ton of bricks when you actually needed them. I even had one friend date the guy that I was crazy in love with just to prove that she could get him and I couldn't, true story. I always got along much better with my guy friends. I am not a big fan of girls. I don't like drama queens. I don't do the whole girly-girl thing. And I definitely can not stand divas. So I just didn't want to raise a girl to become those things, or even for her to have to deal with those things the way that I did.

I was hoping and praying for a boy. Boys are easy. Boys are nice. My boy is awesome, incredible, wonderful, loving, kind, hilarious, etc. I wanted another one.

However. God had a different idea for me. The weeks leading up to when we found out the gender I knew God was working on me. I am the Activity Days Leader in our ward (8-11 year olds) and I love my girls. They are sweet and kind to one another. They are polite and helpful. They are funny and adorable. The more I spent time with them the more I realized that I wouldn't mind raising a girl to be like one of them. Then that Halloween I worked my usual Pumpkin Palooza booth in Kaysville and my heart practically exploded at all the princesses, cowgirls, fairies, mermaids, etc. I realized what I would be missing out on if I didn't have a girl. Boy costumes are so boring. There were many other occasions where I knew that God was working on me, so that by the time that our big gender reveal appointment came, I not only knew it was a girl, but I wanted it to be a girl. And of course, it was. And I was excited.

The second I laid eyes on Isilee I was in love. I literally felt my heart jerk out of place when I saw her for the first time. She is perfect. I am so glad she is mine. The boys went out for a father-son date and I said "It's just us girls" to Isilee- it may seem ridiculous, but in that moment I knew that I was raising my best friend. I got really excited for that possibility. Just us girls. Isilee made the genders even in our home and I like that a lot. I am excited to paint her nails, dress her up, buy barbies and dolls and ponies and trolls- oh the shopping! Thank heavens for little girl toys and make up and dress-ups! I know the teenage years will be hard, but hopefully I can raise a kind, caring, confident girl who doesn't put up with bullies and stands up for those that are being bullied. I am excited for the future I have with my daughter and I am thankful that Heavenly Father knows what I need and doesn't listen to what I think I want.

Ramblings of a Prego Lady

The decision to have another child was not an easy one for me. Okay, let me re-phrase that, the decision to get pregnant again was not an easy one for me. In my naive teenage years I always thought I would have four or five kids. And then the first one came and though he is mostly an angel, the entire experience was absolutely awful. He isn't awful. I was awful! When I was pregnant with Leland I lost over 60 pounds. I threw up every single day I was pregnant and every hour I was in labor. They told me that morning sickness would only last my first trimester- HA! First trimester my ass! Add the sickness to the raw emotions and mood swings and quite frankly, I was a beastly mess. After he came along the nausea and throwing up thankfully went away, but the mood swings did not. For the next year or two I was plagued with some of the darkest depression I have ever experienced. Those days marks the worst fights that Justin and I have ever had. I ruined friendships. Tested my family. I basically felt like I was drowning and I was taking everyone around me down with me.

However, I never wanted my son to be an only child. How boring would that be for him? Deciding to go through my living hell again, after finally feeling like I could breathe again, was hard. People kept asking me when I was going to give Leland a sibling, and time was ticking ever-onward, but I knew what was right for me. I didn't want my children to be farther apart in ages, I needed them to be. I needed time to let my body and mind heal. I needed to finally enjoy motherhood for a while before I entered the living hell again. And I knew that throwing up every day with a 3 year old would be much, much easier then with an 18 month old. I am so glad that I waited. Leland is much more independent these days and can be left alone for short periods of time. He isn't as needy and although I feel bad for letting his shows babysit him, it is wonderful that he can sit quietly for a while while mommy is on the bathroom floor.

This time around has definitely not been easy. But I feel like being more open about my struggles has helped a lot. I have more support. My mom and mother in law have been wonderful for taking Leland for a while and giving him a break from the barfing. I have friends and neighbors who offer to watch him on my really bad days. 12 weeks in and I am already down 20 pounds. I feel like I have entered that scary world of barely living on survival mode. I haven't been a good wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, grand-daughter, etc. I hate that feeling of only doing what's absolutely necessary and not being able to do a whit more then that. I am frustrated. I am on two different prescriptions from my doctor, wearing sea-bands every day, and doing another number of home remedies for nausea, and still, nothing works. Being this sick for this long is both physically and emotionally draining.

I am also grateful. I feel so grateful for being able to feel Heavenly Father's awareness of me and my suffering. An example of this happened this week. On Monday I was not able to get a single piece of food down my throat without gagging. I was worried about what going so long without food or drink would do to my baby because it wasn't getting the nutrition it needed. That night I jumped on Facebook and asked my friends for advice. Not only did they offer advice, but they gave me consoling words and some of them even offered to pray for me. I was still discouraged, and hungry, but their kindness touched me deeply. The next morning I woke up and I knew instantly something had changed. I didn't feel sick. I didn't have the immediate urge to run to the toilet. I haven't had a morning like that since I got pregnant. That day I was not only able to get a meal down, but to keep it down. And for the first time, in a long time, I felt thirsty. It was a miracle. Maybe a small and simple miracle, but a miracle nonetheless. That day I could literally feel the prayers of others benefiting me and lifting me up. I have heard people say that they can feel other people's prayers for them, but I have never experienced it first hand. After such a long, hard few weeks, I really needed that win. All I really wanted was just one day, one good day to not feel sick, and I got it after one of my worst days. I think Heavenly Father knew I needed a break and He gave it to me. I feel nothing but gratitude.

I have had many small instances that buoy me up and give me the strength to carry on one more day through this misery. Watching Leland sleep. A good belly-laugh with my friend. A date with my husband. Being inspired by General Conference. They are all such small things but each one gives me the strength to go on.  One of the biggest miracles was when I had my first ultra sound. I was able to witness my small jelly bean jumping and dancing and wiggling and I don't think anything is more miraculous then that. I have life inside of me and that is amazing. I know this suffering will be a blink in time and in April I will be holding one of God's most miraculous little miracles in my arms and I'll think, "Well, that wasn't really so bad was it?" And who knows, maybe in a few years I will be stupid enough to sign up for this all over again. All I can say is, thank heavens these precious angels are worth it!

Twenty-nine

This month I have been celebrating me. Is that narcissistic? I don't think it really counts if its your birthday month. I have had a few people ask me how I feel about entering my last year of my twenties. It has made me reflect on my twenties, and honestly, I am not sad to see them go. While thirty does seem a tad too far on the adult side for my taste, I am perfectly fine with being twenty-nine. I used to hate birthdays, and I still do hate parts of birthdays, but for the most part, I enjoy them. I think birthdays are far better when you feel like you are settled in life, do you know what I mean? Like, I suppose I would feel completely different if I was 29 years old and living in my parent's basement playing video games all day, having accomplished nothing in my life. But I haven't wasted my twenties. I went to a few years of college. I made some amazing, lifelong friends. I got married. I had a kid. We bought a house. I work. Life is grand, really. And I am excited to see what the next chapter of my life looks like.

This year I think I celebrated my birthday for two weeks long. In fact, I am not even done celebrating as we haven't gotten the chance to have a Palmer family dinner yet. My wonderful, amazing mother took me and Leland for a three day excursion to Mesquite. My grandparents live just ten minutes away so they were kind enough to watch the kiddo so my mom and I could go to two productions at the Tuacahn, the most amazing outdoor theater in the world. This year we saw Peter Pan and the Hunchback of Notre Dame. They were both amazing, completely different, but absolutely spectacular. We also got to have a much needed pool day where my brave son went down the water slide all by himself and even swam in the pool without me holding him up- he just had on his wings. I love seeing him get braver and braver in the water, he is such a little fish! Anyway, it was a fast, but fun little get-away and much needed mommy and me time (and I am not talking about me and Leland haha.) A girl always needs her mom am I right?

For my birthday weekend Justin and I invited two families from our neighborhood to go to my parent's cabin in Bear Lake. We had never done anything with other families before, I felt like it was a big stepping stone into adulthood for us. We had so much fun playing games, watching movies, going to the beach, and riding four-wheelers. It was especially fun because each family has a son around Leland's age and the boys got along fantastically. My mom always told me that my friends would be my kid's friends parents- she was right- like always. I am glad that we found them and that we all get along so well. Hopefully we can do more with them in the future.

Remember that part that I hate on my birthdays? Well, that part is Facebook. I hate Facebook on my birthday. Hopefully I am not alone in feeling this way. I feel kind of selfish for even saying anything, but honestly, its the worst! The worst I tell you! For one day of the year I have friends and family coming out of the wood works to wish me a happy birthday. And all I can think about is where in the hell are all of you the other 364 days of the year??? Does anyone else feel like this? I definitely have a love/hate relationship with social media. I love that I can keep up with my far away family who lives in Florida, Oregon, Michigan, etc. But I also hate the flat relationships that social media can create. Actions speak louder then words after all, so all of the empty words that fill my news feed once a year leave me feeling empty inside. If you want me to know that you love me, show me. Call me. Go to lunch with me. Anything but write on my news feed once a year. I seriously hate that. I hate social media fake friendships. However, they definitely make me grateful for my REAL friends. The ones who show up and speak up. I am very lucky to have those friends in my life! Okay, enough of that whining. For the most part Facebook can be a good thing.... just not on September 2 haha.

To all of you that made my birthday wonderul this year, thank you. I love you all. I even love the ones who I only hear from once a year, but let's change that this year, shall we? :) As for pictures, I am far too lazy for that... go look at Facebook. ;)

Precious Moments

One thing about me that you will learn quickly is that I don't really have secrets. I am an open book and I like it that way. I have been accused of over-sharing and airing out my dirty laundry for the entire internet world to see, but guess what? I don't care. Ask me a question and I will answer. I prefer honesty and real life. I like the behind the scenes more than the portrayal of perfection. So, that being said, I have recently been changing up my prescriptions a bit. This means that for the last two weeks I have entered beast mode. As most of you know I have depression, and if you didn't know, you do now. Changing medications is such a terrifying thing for me. I have had meds that have made me so suicidal that it scared the living daylights out of me! I have never been that close to death and I hope to never be so again. These last two weeks as I adjusted with the new, I have not been myself... or scary thought... maybe I was myself... ugh... I hope that's not who I am haha. I was so impatient. Angry. Irritable. I was having the worst anxiety attacks. One morning at breakfast Leland was rubbing his foot up and down my leg and I thought I was going to jump out of the window. Bottom line: It has not been a fun couple of weeks for anyone in my house.

Then this weekend happened. The clouds parted and the sun came out and glory hallelujah I feel like myself again! Today as we were driving to my in-laws, a mere five blocks away from our house, Leland passed out in the back seat. He had had a busy weekend and the poor little stink was tuckered out. I sat in the car so that he could take a little snooze because I didn't want to wake him up trying to get him out of his car seat. When he woke up though, he woke up grumpy. He was pretty upset and crying for me. I got "B" and held him in my arms, stroked his hair, kissed his cheeks, and was overcome with the love that I have for my little person. He snuggled right in to me and let me hold him longer then he has done in a long time. I soaked up every single second of that snuggle, completely cherishing this precious moment I had with my baby. I was so grateful that I felt like myself again to appreciate it fully. Beast me would have been irritated at the crying and fussiness. It was such a blessing.

Then tonight I told Leland that he could watch ten minutes of monster trucks on youtube before bedtime. I went and laid in my bed to rest my back and play on my phone. In a few moments however, Leland climbed into my bed, snuggled up against me, and started singing me his songs and telling me his made up stories. Then it was my turn to tell him some stories so I told him Goldilocks and the Three Bears, The Three Little Pigs, and Jack and the Beanstalk. He started telling me stories again mixing up all three of those stories into one grand adventure. I thought the line, "And then Jack showed his mom jelly beans and she got mad and threw them out the window and yelled 'We can't have more candy! We need real food!" was especially funny.  I laughed and I laughed at this wonderful boy's imagination and intellect. His bedtime came and went and still we laughed, told stories, sang songs, and cuddled. It was the perfect moment.

As I lay my perfect boy in his bed tonight our conversation went like this:
Me: I love you so much, Leland.
Leland: I love you so much too, Mommy.
Me: You're my best friend.
Leland: You're my best friend too mommy. And best friends should be together forever and ever.

This kid of mine. He fills my heart with joy. I am so grateful for modern day medicine that gives me the opportunity to feast upon these moments, to really dig into them and treasure them. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am going to miss this age. I am trying to soak it all in. While I love watching him grow and learn new things, I am also shouting for time to slow down and for him to stay my baby forever. It's all a whirlwind that is going too fast.

In this moment, right now, I love being "Mommy". The beast is going to rear its ugly head again, you can count on it. I will fight it again and again and again. I will be victorious. I will fight for my son because he deserves to have the kind of mommy I was today. Today was a good mommy day. Tomorrow may be an entirely different story. Life is funny like that.

Sadness

If you know me at all then you know that I feel BIG emotions. I am a very sensitive person. Growing up I always thought this was one of my greatest weaknesses, but as I get older, I think Heavenly Father considers it a strength. And if HE thinks it is a strength, then I better learn to love this quality about myself. It is not easy coming to love a personality trait that I have always despised. I am constantly wishing for thicker skin. But one thing that comes along with feeling big emotions, is the ability to have a lot of empathy for people. And empathy is a Christ-like trait. It can also be very emotionally taxing.

Sometimes I read stories on the news (we do not have TV so I follow all of the news channels on FB), and I feel so much emotion I can barely contain it. Like that dad who left his 18 month old in the car overnight in this freezing weather in just a diaper. I found myself wishing that there was a special place in hell reserved just for him. I find myself mourning with people that I have never met and it is hard to not drown in the sorrow of the world sometimes. A few weeks ago one of my cousin-in-laws lost her brother. And as I started telling Justin about it I began to cry. Not just cry. But ugly-cry, sobbing, gasping for breath. I think Justin was completely flabbergasted by the amount of emotion that was pouring out of me. Especially because this was a man that I had never even met. When he asked me why I was so upset I just started rambling, "Because think of everyone who is so sad about his death! So many people miss him and feel his loss. And he was so young and seemed like such a good man! And it makes me think of Zach (my brother) and how sad I would be if I lost him" and of course thinking about my own brother dying brought on a fresh wave of emotion. So sometimes this whole empathy thing turns me into a big goopy pile of hot mess.

This last week my cousin lost his life after a three year battle with leukemia. I regret that I didn't know this man better. After sitting in his funeral yesterday I learned more about his life and what an incredible spiritual strength he was. I mourned for his wife and three children. I mourned for his parents. I mourned for everyone who ever knew him, basically. I probably got to see him once a year, sometimes more, and he would always come up to me and call me by name and give me a hug. And although it wasn't much, it meant a lot to me. Especially because we have A LOT of cousins on the Paulsen side, but he made time for all of us. He made everyone feel special. He was a good man and he will be missed.

I felt completely emotionally drained after a day like yesterday. Crying is more exhausting than going to the gym! What is the point of this blog? I have no idea. I just have felt so many emotions this past week that I find myself sitting down at my computer and typing. Typing my thoughts. My feelings. My emotions. Today was ward conference and our bishop gave the most eloquent talk on holding strong to the Lord's commandments and our beliefs during life's storms. It was exactly what I needed to hear after a day like yesterday. The last song we sang was Battle Hymn of the Republic and it just filled my soul up with so much goodness. Why is it that a ward who barely sings during every song, practically shouts that one out?! It is amazing what that song does to a sleepy congregation! I love that song. I have a deep respect for my bishop- I know he is an inspired man. I am grateful that I have this firm foundation to cling to in the stormy weather of  this world. I used to loathe Sundays. Now I love them. I feel so rejuvenated today. It has completely prepared me for another week. I feel blessed and happy and at peace.

If you ever need a crying buddy, or just a shoulder to cry on, you know who to call now!  ;)

Regionals

This past Saturday I was able to join my Uzzie buddies in SLC for the Usborne regional training. It was a day full of motivational speakers, book reveals, friends, food, laughing, encouragement, idea-sharing, and so much more! Our V.P., Heather Cobb, was able to fly in from Tulsa, and she is such an incredible, inspiring woman! She talked to us a lot about failure, and that if we are not failing in life a little, we are probably doing something wrong. As someone who is constantly feeling like a failure and trying to overcome my fear of failure, I really needed to hear this.

It was such an amazing day! During these types of things they always say that you learn more about actually working this business talking to others, and not actually during the training. And I found that to be so, so true! After the official training, 25 UBAM ladies headed over to Cracker Barrel for dinner. I got SO many great ideas from the other three woman at my table, that were personalized to me and my business. It was so refreshing to talk with them and hear about their stories with this amazing business. We helped build each other up and shared our successes and ideas. All together a very, very uplifting day! Words can't even express how happy I am to have finally found my tribe. I love these fellow book ladies. I love this business.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from that day, followed by some pictures.

My very inspirational water bottle

Heather Cobb introducing us to THE CUTEST picture book in the history of ever!!!!! 

Look how cool this pop-up garden book looks?!

Anne of Green Gables picture book? Say what??!!

The free books I got for going. Free books is the name of our game after all! 

Our new catalog! I was super excited to get my hands on this puppy! 

And last, but not least, my amazing awesome team! 

Jesus Wants me for a Sunbeam

As some of you may know, Justin and I were called to be the Sunbeams teachers in Primary in our church. I was really excited (and nervous) for this calling because 1. It would help me get back to church 2. I have never been in primary but have always wanted to and 3. I am really rusty on my primary songs so I love re-learning them all again!

So I just want to share my first day as the Sunbeams teacher. I am going to change the kids names however since they are not my children and do not want any upset parents or anything. On the class list we have six kids, but so far only three little girls have come- Amy, Carlie, and Kylie (haha can you tell they are made up names? hee-hee).

I walk into primary that day and sit in my chair next to Amy. I learned Amy's name really quickly. You could tell that it was probably nap time because at one point all three of them were laying down across the chairs. The biggest struggle in the primary room is getting them to stay seated upright in their chairs, and facing forward. I turned my back for two seconds and when I looked around Amy was two rows behind me sitting with the big kids. Luckily the other teachers helped me reign Amy in. Other than that though, they did awesome.

And then we go to our classroom. And Kylie had a complete sobbing meltdown. She opened the door and bolted out so I had to chase her down the hall, but she got to her Daddy before I could catch up to her so he came and sat with her in our class for a few minutes. While we were doing the Plan of Salvation puzzle he slipped out. When she finally noticed that he was gone she said, "This was my Daddy's chair. He was in here because I was crying. I was crying because I was scared of you. (referring to Justin.) But I don't know why I was scared of you, you seem like a nice boy." hahaha from the mouth of babes.

Carlie is the sweet, tender-hearted one of the group. The instant we got to our classroom for the first time she ran up to Justin, threw her arms around him, and said, "I am so happy you are my teacher! My name is Carlie!" and then went and sat down politely. I think Justin melted a little- she is going to have him wrapped around her little finger haha. Amy fights with Carlie. Carlie doesn't fight back. She goes in the corner and is sad. Kylie sticks up for Carlie. Kylie sticks up for Amy. Kylie is the buffer between Carlie and Amy. (Isn't that how it usually is with all girl relationships??)

It is already interesting to be with these young, precious souls. Each one has such a different personality. Amy is brave and talkative and likes to play and have fun. Kylie is reserved and takes a while to come out of her shell, but when she does, she is also very talkative and friendly. Carlie is shy and relaxed. She goes with the flow but also has big emotions. She is so sweet and kind. They already know so much about the gospel and have such sweet spirits about them. It's a challenge to help them grow and learn in the church at such a young age, but their minds are like sponges and they just sit and take it all in. I hope I will be a good teacher for them, but if I can't teach them anything, I hope they can at least feel the spirit with us and know how special they are in Heavenly Father's eyes. We got some really amazing little people in our class and I am really excited for this year. It's going to be challenging, rewarding, funny, tiring, uplifting, and a great blessing for us I think.

San Diego Heaven

This is the blog where I tell you all about the most amazing and much needed vacation in the history of ever. You see, I don't know why exactly, but life has been a little rocky here at the Palmer house this past year. It's not anything that we can't handle, or is that extreme mind you, but somewhere along the way we forgot to be utterly, blissfully, happy in the day to day hustle and bustle of life. So when we got a big fat tax return our brains instantly went to the bills that needed to be paid and the fridge that makes scary noises. We thought about how we have to run the dryer twice to get our clothes dry and the yard work that needed to be done. And the more we thought about those mundane everyday things, the more unhappy we got. But aha! Why not invest the money. So that is exactly what we decided to do. We invested the money into us. Into our marriage. Into our family. Into making memories. And I am here to tell you, it was the BEST investment that we have ever made! Yes, that may sound sappy, but guess what? I am a sappy kind of happy. I am sappy happy!

Our vacation was a week long. We drove to Mesquite on Sunday, which is half way and 10 minutes away from my grandparents home. We got to visit with them and they took us out to dinner and then we went to bed early because at the butt crack of dawn we woke up and drove the rest of the way to San Diego. I was super nervous about the car ride because Leland gets really car sick, it is a freaking long time for a toddler to sit still, and we both get extremely crabby when we are tired or hungry and so two crabs in the car equals bad news. However, he did phenomenal! We had a little car sickness but nothing too cringe worthy. I had downloaded some episodes of Paw Patrol (love that show!) on my iPad and it was a total life saver! I really was astounded that he did so well! (Insert happy dance here).

Monday night we checked into our hotel, ordered pizza,and hit the pool.

Tuesday we went to Sea World. It was a blast. Leland loved it, though he did fall asleep during the dolphin show, which was my favorite one. They had professional divers, acrobats, ribbon dancers, the whole works! We also went to a whale show, the seal and otter show, and a pet show where they had dogs and cats do funny tricks. I think the pet show was Leland's favorite because he is definitely in a "puppy!" phase right now. He didn't like getting wet though so we made sure to sit in the dry section for all of the other shows haha. We did ride two of the little kiddie rides and Leland loved them so much I had to drag him off kicking and screaming and promising him that we could ride it "one more" time.

Wednesday we headed over to Coronado Island for a beach day. We found a cute little cafe to have breakfast at and then basically had the beach to ourselves for most of the morning. Leland loved having the waves come up and wash over his feet and he thought it was hilarious when the water would go back and suck the sand from beneath his toes. We made lots of sandcastles and then we had a family nap together crowded under an umbrella. As I lay there watching my little family sleeping on the beach together I had a  Grinch moment where my heart grew three times its size. It was one of those perfect moments that you wish would never end. I was extremely aware of how blessed I am. I love those kind of moments-- they almost take your breath away in their perfection. The only downer about that day was that I completely forgot to put sunscreen on the back of my legs and they were completely scorched by the end of the day. As in, I can't move, kill me now, kind of burn. So yeah, that was not fun.

On Thursday we explored Balboa Park. It is this amazing place next to the zoo that has over 17 museums, botanical gardens, street performers, nature walks, Japanese gardens, and food vendors. All of the buildings look like they are straight from Spain (not that I have ever been there) and so the atmosphere is quite lovely. This ended up being the perfect spot for my boys. We went to a vintage car museum, an aerospace museum, a railroad museum, and the San Diego History Museum. The car museum was run by all of these WWII veterans and so it was a lot of fun talking to them. One older man even gave Leland a wooden toy car that he had handmade himself which was really neat. At the aerospace museum we got to watch a 3D movie about space travel and when our seats began shaking Leland got a little nervous, but by the end he thought that was pretty hilarious. We decided to go to the San Diego History Museum because they were doing a temporary display of Dr. Seuss. Maybe this is common knowledge, but I had no idea, that Dr. Seuss was from San Diego. The museum had some of his original paintings that never made it into books which was completely fascinating to me. The walls were lined with his quotes and there were sculptures everywhere of his characters. My book nerdy self was ecstatic! By far the best museum however, was the train museum. Leland is obsessed with "choo-choos" right now. This museum was two floors of model trains and my son probably ran the entire museum three times. The halls were lined with windows that you look in at the trains, and every so often they have steps going up so that the younger kids can see. Leland would run up the steps, shout "Wow!.... More!", run down the steps, run down the hallway to the next set of stairs, and repeat. He barely even took time to look at them because he was too excited to see "more!". By the end of it I was almost dying laughing at my son's enthusiasm and excitement. I wish I would have thought to get it on video because it was so freaking funny! So anyway, all of his souvenirs have wheels-- a jeep from Sea World, a car, a plane, and a train. He was in boy heaven!

On Friday we went bowling, went out to lunch, and then hit the pool again. We taught Leland how to hang on to the side of the pool- it took a while, but he got it and we were proud parents indeed. He loved it when I threw him up out of the water and into the arms of his daddy who was standing three feet away. We played "toss the toddler" until our arms couldn't take it anymore. We are definitely raising a fish. Another funny thing at the pool was that when you got out of the water you got pretty cold because of the breeze. Justin and I stayed in the pool so we never got too cold, but Leland kept getting out and in because he liked to jump in. Pretty soon his teeth would be chattering and he would just start pointing, which meant that he was ready to get warm in the hot tub. Oooooh the hot tub, A freezing toddler's best friend haha. I loved spending that much time with him in the pool, he is such a crack up!

Saturday and Sunday were exactly like the first two days of our trip, but in reverse (obviously). Leland did amazing in the car again but this time the days seemed never ending because we were tired and ready to be home. And boy was it good to be home and back in our own beds!

I am just so, so thankful that we took this trip. I am absolutely in love with my family again and life is going pretty great for us. We really got to cherish each other and soak each other up for a few days and it was fabulous. We still have a scary noise making fridge and are still in debt, but the memories we created and the bonding that took place are priceless. I am the type of person who needs vacations. I crave them. These last few years vacations haven't been a priority or they get put on the back burner. But I came to realize that our life is happening now. Leland will never be this age again. We will only be a family of three for so long. (And no, that was not an announcement) Basically what I am saying is, is live life to the fullest right now. Because you will always have bills and mundane things that need attention...blah blah blah. No more excuses. Get out there and create some memories!

*Disclaimer: We are at an age where getting a good picture is downright impossible*

Hardships and Blessings

Tough week.

On Sunday Leland was playing with our dog Zorro and I guess he pulled his fur too hard because Zorro bit Leland on the forehead. The bite drew blood and left a hole in my babies head. To say that I was super pissed at my dog is a HUGE understatement. I went all 'crazy momma' on him cause "aint no body no where gonna hurt my babes!".  I had to make a really, really, hard decision after that- Zorro had to go. I can't have that risk in my home, I just can't. Leland's home should always be a safe place for him to be. So even though it broke my heart into literally a million pieces, I put Zorro up for adoption on some internet classifieds. Within five minutes of the ad going up I got a response from a lady who lives in Preston. She told me that they were on their way to see Zorro- within the hour he was gone.

And I cried. A lot.

Even as I write this blog post tears are filling my eyes. That was honestly one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. I loved my dog. He was my constant companion and I already feel this huge void in the house from his absence. Today my door bell rang and barking did not follow. Weird. There is no jingling of a collar. No little bum wagging its tail. No furry friend in my bed at night. I walk in the door and there is no happy little guy there to greet me. I didn't realize how much he was a part of my life, my every day routine, until he was gone. My house is a lot quieter. I don't really like it. It is definitely a hard pill to swallow. I miss my pups- he was part of the family.

And just because it was the right thing to do, doesn't make it any easier. Bleh. It just really, really sucked.

So anyway, I need to end this blog on a happy note. We have had people asking us how we are doing financially since we dropped down to one income. Justin and I have had lengthy conversations over the last few weeks about finances. Want to hear something crazy cool?! We are making it! Granted, money is tight and we aren't being frivolous whatsoever, but miraculously, we are surviving. I felt God's hand in our lives so much lately. We haven't always been faithful tithe payers, I hate to admit that, but its true. So when I left my job I made it a point to pay tithing the Sunday after every paycheck. I haven't missed it once and oh boy the blessings are rolling in! Tithing guys! It's awesome!! One night Justin said to me, "I don't understand how we are making it, Kristi. I really don't. I've done the math, our bills are more than my paychecks, but somehow, all of our bills are getting paid! How is that even possible?" I'll tell you how---- TITHING! Logically our financial situation doesn't make sense whatsoever- it just doesn't add up- but I knew God wanted me home and He blessed me for it. Sometimes I am appalled at my lack of faith when I realize that God has ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS taken care of me and given me what I needed. And we even found two gift cards to restaurants when we were deep cleaning- I guess they were Christmas presents that we forgot about? - so we even got to go on two dates- which I was worried we wouldn't be able to afford anymore. I mean, wow right?

And lastly, my friend posted a 100 happy days challenge on facebook that I really want to do and finish. You take a picture of something that makes you happy every single day for 100 days. I think it is a great idea and so invite you to do it with me! Here's the challenge if you want to learn a little more about it. 100happydays.com