Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Last night I was talking about Fabio, as we all do a few times a week, and I asked my friend Skylar,

Eli: How old do you think Fabio is?

Skylar: Gosh. This feels like one of those "guess how many marbles are in the jar and win a prize" questions.

And I'm telling you, this felt like a very accurate statement. Because is Fabio 85 or 30? Or 50? Or did he live in another era entirely and have absolutely no overlap at all with my life?

HOW OLD IS FABIO?!

I really wish I knew how to Internet and find out. This is important.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

Why didn't anyone tell me I looked like a Methodist preacher at The Porch!?

The Porch, Fear

Excuse me. But I guess I'M A TECHNOLOGY GENIUS! Because I just basically technologied all over the entire Internet to bring you today's post.

A while back the three most recent Youtube videos of my stories on The Porch were tragically deleted from the Internets. I went to Facebook to ask whether any Strangers out there happened to download these videos (if that was even possible). Stranger David, who shall rule the land with Alanna for all eternity, then emailed me with the audio files of those videos. He and his friends had downloaded the audio to listen in their car on a road trip.

I didn't know what I was supposed to do with this information, so I just kept it in my inbox for several weeks, hoping for effortless enlightenment.

Then, last weekend, I finally became fed up with my own incompetency, so I read the entire Internet and learned everything possible and I'm basically Lucy from that awful movie wherein Scarlet Johansson is able to use 100% of her brain capacity which obviously means she is an all-knowing immortal being who is everywhere and nowhere at the same time JUST like Catholic God.

Glass

[Quick Announcement: We will be back at The Porch in SLC this coming Saturday. It's a late show (10:00 PM OH MY GOSH HOW WILL WE STAY AWAKE). Please come and bring your friends and grandmas. It's a new location, in case you've been before. Info is here.]

You're not supposed to put glass in the blue recycling bins provided by the city. I have no idea what happens if you do put glass in them but the lid of the can given to me has very explicit instructions about this in the form of large pictures showing glass bottles with an X through them.

Recycling is a mystery to me, generally. I don't believe in it. I mean, I do it. I believe we should do it. I want to believe it is a real thing. But conceptually, it doesn't make any sense to me and somewhere deep down I don't actually believe that anything productive is happening with anything I'm recycling.

Also, I feel like they aren't very clear about how much you are supposed to clean the items you recycle. Like, what if there are still remnants of food in the container? Does that render the donation worthless? Does the food compromise the entire system? CAN I GO TO PRISON OVER THIS?!

Hospital Bokhdan

Happy Monday one and all. We had a great time at The Porch this weekend. It was great to see some of you there. A huge thanks to Kyle for recording and uploading it for us.

Some of you have heard parts of my Ukrainian appendectomy story. I decided this weekend to tell that story in full, with an update that I hadn't yet shared on Stranger. The update had to do with my return to Hospital Bokhdan in May of this year, ten years after I had my operation. I've been meaning to share the details of that experience from this year but hadn't gotten around to it. I thought that The Porch would be a good forum for it.


And now, below, is the full video of the story from The Porch.

Dentist Appointment

Announcement: I'll be telling a story on The Porch at 9:00 on Saturday night in Salt Lake City. It's the best story from my life--one some of you have heard, but with some new details and updates that nobody has heard yet. So please come join us if you can and be sure to say hi after. I've already promised to dress super slutty for it. FB event link is here or go to The Porch's site for info here.

Conversation at my Dentist Appointment Today Which I Wish was as Exaggerated as it Seems

Dentist: Welcome back. How have things been?

Eli: Well I tried to do an Ironman but it got cancelled BUT IT'S OK BECAUSE THEY CAN'T CANCEL YOUR DREAMS.

Dentist: Oh. Sorry to hear that. Any pain since your last visit?

Eli: Not really any pain. Well, besides when my toenail fell off after a marathon in July. I named it "Tami."

Giving Back

A quick announcement: I'll be telling a story on the Porch this Saturday evening at 9:00 in Salt Lake City (link to the FB event and link to The Porch's site). I would love to see you there. And I promise to wear something extra low cut and revealing to make it worth your while. (NOT THAT I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, CATHIE).

That time of year is approaching. Pumpkins are being carved. Turkeys are being slaughtered. Christmas lights and music have been ubiquitous for about three months already. And your schedules are about to be bombarded with holiday madness.

WELL LET ME ADD ANOTHER THING FOR YOU TO DO.

A family friend introduced a unique and simple way to "give back" last year when she told us about a little project called Pioneers of Peace. At the behest of Cathie, my family participated in a small challenge and had a good experience doing so. It's a particularly good way to get children involved in giving and feeling like they are playing a role in doing good for the world.

The Porch: Korean Bathhouse

It's a happy day. We finally got the video from the most recent show at The Porch uploaded on what the kids are calling "the Youtubes." A huge thanks to Jolyn for filming it and Kyle for uploading it. You two are the wind beneath our wings and we love you with every fiber of our beings. Please get together and make babies already so this world can finally know perfection.

Also, it's a sad week for the United States of God Bless America. Jolyn Metro is abandoning our great nation to frolic somewhere in South America for the summer. AND ON OUR COUNTRY'S BIRTHDAY OF ALL TIMES.

I don't remember where she's going. All I know is that she's going to be gone for way too long. Why do all the people who live in my house immediately flee the country?

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

First of all, I know that none of you have been able to sleep because it's been almost two weeks and I still haven't uploaded the video from The Porch. Jolyn graciously recorded it and Kyle has been working on getting it uploaded but he is having major technical difficulties with what the kids are calling "the youtubes." We hope to get things worked out next week. SO LET'S EVERYONE CALM DOWN AND STOP YELLING AT EACH OTHER.

Also, thank you for all the wonderful advice and support this week concerning what I'm trying to make the most dramatic break-up of all time. Also, the multiple comment threads emphatically arguing over my sexual orientation, as always, were very helpful to me in determining how I feel inside.

But I thought I told you already: my heart belongs to Paul Simon. And burritos. And cheesecake. And my own hair. If that makes me gay, THEN SO BE IT.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:

Yet another selfie with Ms. Hannah at Lagoon.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Happy Friday, all. Tomorrow night (Saturday) we'll be at The Porch here in Salt Lake City. The show starts at 9:00 PM (DON'T WORRY! IT'S NOT A SCHOOL NIGHT!). I hope to see some of you there. Tickets and info link is here. Also, here's the Facebook link in case you want to see a very awkward picture of me from a prior show.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:

My love/hate relationship with my niece continues as she refuses to talk to me while waiting in a line at a local theme park.

My Mom is Calling Me

A quick reminder--I'll be telling a story on The Porch this Saturday in Salt Lake City. I think the show starts around 9:00 PM. We'll be at a venue called Trackside (510 W 200 N). Here's the tickets link.

I'm not even sure what day we're on anymore of Jolyn's "I'm just staying for the night" visit. And let me be clear: she didn't just make that promise at the beginning of her stay. Every single day she reiterates, "I'm just staying here tonight."

Example 1

Eli: Jolyn, could you help me move some furniture tomorrow?

Jolyn: Oh you know I would. But I'm just staying here for the night.

Encounters with Strangers

You guys, I have a million things to tell you. I feel like we are so behind on one another's lives right now. There's so much gossip floating around in my head. But I don't have time to tell you all of it right this second because RESPONSIBILITY.

Responsibility is THE WORST.

Today I'll leave you the video of last Thursday's story on The Porch. A big thank you to my good friend Kyle who came and recorded it. Normally Jolyn does this with a camera from 1946 but Jolyn is on thin ice right now from the whole Star Wars April Fools' Day prank so I asked Kyle for assistance. He's 1,000 times more responsible than me or Jolyn so it was probably a good choice anyway. And to Jolyn's credit, she sat right next to him the whole time and didn't even sabotage his attempts or try to ruin anyone's lives forever.

We had her checked for illness immediately afterward.

House Rules

First, an announcement. After a three or four month hiatus in which we didn't know whether we would ever be welcome again due to an inexcusable amount of talking about poop, The Porch has invited us back. I'll be telling a story this Thursday evening at Muse Music in Provo. You can find the link for tickets and other details here. The theme this time will be "Encounters with Strangers." As always, we are thrilled to go back to The Porch and hope to see some of you there.

A significant change has just occurred in my life. I sort of got a new roommate. I mentioned recently that Kurt moved away. About ten seconds later my friend Rebecca, who was living in my building, told me that her lease was ending in her apartment and that she needed a place to stay for one month until she moves to Paris. Rebecca and I went to law school together and have become particularly close friends since I moved into her building six months ago. She asked me if she could "crash" at my place temporarily, since I have an extra bedroom and since I'm desperate for company and attention.

I sort of thought she was joking. So it was easy to say yes. Then on Friday I came home and found woman things all over my apartment.

Swine Flu Christmas

It's a world record. The video from last Thursday's show at The Porch is up on Youtube and available for your viewing pleasure. Or displeasure. Or to your great frustration. It depends on how you feel about it. The point is, it's available and you can watch it if you want.

A big thanks, again, to Ms. Jolyn Metro, for filming this thing.

Many of you have wondered exactly where Lohan came from and I don't know whether I've ever really explained it on this blog. So this video may answer some of those questions. It will probably also answer some questions about me that you never wanted to know.

The Car Accident Videos

Jolyn Metro has used technology from 1974 to provide us video proof on what the kids are calling "the Youtubes" that we recently visited The Porch. At Stranger, we only go in reverse when it comes to technology so this time we used a camera with AN ACTUAL VIDEO TAPE INSIDE OF IT to record the story I told at The Porch a couple of weeks ago. I'm not even kidding. Jolyn basically had to practice black magic and sell her soul to the devil to get that thing from the camera to the Youtubes.

Joke's on the devil, though. Jolyn's soul is going to burn Hell down come April Fools' Day. So he'll be sorry.

Here it is, in two parts: Videos that were recorded two weeks ago but that look like they're straight out of The Bob Hope Show.

Note: I hate the "still" shot on the second video below with every fiber of my being.

Emergency Contact

One more reminder that The Porch is on Thursday evening. Doors open at 8:00 and the show starts at 8:30. I think there are still tickets and you can purchase them here. Also, I know that even when they sell out online, they usually reserve some for the door so if you can't get any online and you want to try to show up and buy tickets at the door, that may be an option.

We're hoping to record it and upload the video to what the kids are calling the Youtubes like we've done in the past, but Jolyn has informed me that the camera she was going to use is no longer available. (I can only assume she has murdered the person she was planning to borrow it from). So hopefully we'll be able to secure a different one by Thursday. I just wanted to warn you, though, in case it doesn't happen . . .

And now,

A Conversation with Kurt Today about Being My Emergency Contact: 

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Another week has come to a close here in Strangerville. Remind me next week to give you the update about the thing on my arm. Oh, and if you see me before then, DON'T touch me. My ringworm, Axel, is looking for a place for his 5 million babies to live.

And with that, I give you this week's pictures from my phone and weekly distractions.

My adorable niece (the one who hates me). Also, Bob looks like he might be having a stroke in the background.

An Announcement

First, an announcement. I'M PREGNANT.

How many more times can I keep making that joke? The problem with humor blogging is that I make all kinds of jokes and I never have any idea whether you think a particular joke is funny because I can't tell if you're laughing. So I say "twice up the barrel, once down the side" eleventy times in every post and I imagine you bent over laughing. But for all I know forty of you stop reading every time I write that phrase because you're so annoyed that I'm using it and because you don't think it means anything. Even though I've already told you that it means "twice up the barrel, once down the side."

Anyway, if for no other reason, I should stop making the pregnancy joke because what if one day I actually do become pregnant and then I'm really excited to tell you and none of you believe me? Then who would throw me a baby shower and slap my child at the grocery store?