Photos of People Having an Authentic Time at my Wedding

I'm going to give you a bunch of details about the wedding with some actual wedding photos, etc. in the coming days. But for now, I want to leave you with this gem.

In the chaos of the morning and the photos with family and friends, someone took my phone. I think it was in my pocket and it was suggested I remove it for the pictures. I don't remember, really. It was all a whirlwind.

At the end of the wedding, my friend Caitlin handed my phone to me, saying she had it for a few hours and "don't worry. I took lots of pictures of people having a very authentic time."

I thanked her for her thoughtfulness and took the phone. On the drive back to the house I started looking through the photos she captured and discovered, well . . .

8 Seconds of Heaven

My sister Krisanda called me last week and left a voicemail to invite me to a school function for my niece, Kate. It was an assembly, with music. Kate is in the fourth grade. I assume this was the Utah celebratory history assembly—the same one I participated in when I was in fourth grade in nineteen hundred and mumble mumble.

Side note, my new thing is to say twentieth century years as “nineteen hundred” such and such because it always makes people look just a little puzzled, but then they never ask me about it.

Anyway, since I’m uncle of the year, I totally forgot to respond to my sister or to put the assembly in my calendar so I just didn’t go.

Look. I have somewhere between 8 and 20 nieces and nephews. I love them all, but I just can’t keep track of the stuff and things anymore. How did that lady who lived in a shoe do it. It must be different when they’re your own kids. And when you live in a shoe. You probably don’t even have to have a job to afford to live in a shoe. You can just spend all of your time learning your kids names and going to their state propaganda assemblies.

The point is, I’m a suckface who forgot his family.

I'm not sure how it has already been 25 years since I participated in the Utah assembly. We practiced the hell out of our recorders in preparation. The class was ecstatic the day recorder rehearsal arrived because it was something different and because what ten-year-old wouldn't love the chance to own something that makes a very loud and obnoxious noise when you blow into it?

Me When I Was Bad

This is my niece, Kate.

Adorable, right? Doesn't she just look like someone you would trust with your life? So sweet and sincere.

Be ye not fooled.

I'm A Bad Person

My older sister and brother-in-law ditched town and their responsibilities for a little vacation and my siblings and parents were put on a babysitting rotation for their four kids.

Mine and Skylar's turn came last weekend. Friday evening to Sunday evening, to be exact.

Look. I don't have natural parenting abilities. I'm incapable of talking to children. I don't know what to say. I address 5-year-olds like they are middle-aged insurance defense attorneys. Every exchange is a legal transaction. When my 11-year-old nephew tried to haggle on bedtime last Friday,

Nephew: What if I just stay up for 30 more minutes?

Eli: You'll go to bed now.

Nephew: But what if I promise to clean my room tomorrow?

Eli: You'll go to bed now and you'll clean your bedroom tomorrow.

Nephew: This isn't fair!

Eli: I don't speak whine.

Nephew: But it's not fair!

Eli: Unless you have something of value to offer me, this negotiation is a waste of my time.

HE'S 11. I'M A MONSTER.

The Girl F Word

A conversation between Brianne and her very young nephew, as was told to me this morning. I can't stop laughing.

Nephew: My little sister has a potty mouth.

Brianne: Really? Does she say swear words?

Nephew: Yeah. She's been saying a really bad one lately.

Brianne: Which one?

Nephew: [Whispers] The F word.

Brianne: What?! No. She doesn't say the F word.

Nephew: Yes she does. I hear her saying it all the time lately. Sometimes she walks around the house yelling it.

Brianne: Buddy, I don't think she knows the F word.

By The Way, I Can See Your Underwear

A few years ago Matt was at family dinner with me at Bob and Cathie's house. All of my nieces and nephews were there so the place was a circus, as it commonly is on Sunday evenings.

Matt and Emrie, my sassy niece with whom I have always had a very inconsistent relationship, hit it off relatively well from the beginning. This was probably because Matt is artistic and was perfectly happy to sit with Emrie and color while the other grownups did grownup things.

Emrie was 5 at the time. The two were at the kids table, furiously working through a coloring book of Disney princesses, when we suddenly heard a very serious argument break out.

Matt: You aren't coloring between the lines.

Emrie: My mom said that it doesn't matter.

Matt: Well, it does. You need to color between the lines or it won't look good.

No. Stop. Go back to the beginning and read that conversation again. Because I promise that you read it in the wrong tone.

The World of Babysitting

I have a special treat for you today for a lot of reasons.

So a few months ago I wrote that thing about how I was watching Ollie and Duncan and they both ran into the dorms at the college by my house and the door locked behind them. Then you guys were all like "I'VE HAD THE WORST EXPERIENCES BABYSITTING CHILDREN" so I decided we needed to have a Strangerville episode about it.

This episode includes contributions from Amy Rose AND The Suzzzzzzzzzz. My niece, Emrie, also showed up for what might be the funniest conversation I have ever witnessed in my life.

You guys. I'm not kidding. I actually thought I was going to hurt myself during this interview. Even Meg, who never ever laughs no matter what ever, was leaning against a wall, with tears of joy coming out of her eyes.

You need to listen to this.

Meg's daughter, Ivy, makes an amazing appearance.

We also had my sister Krishelle and local storyteller Rachel Miller. I didn't mean to "the Professor and Mary Ann" their contributions. (Did that joke make sense? I'm leaving it.)

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

I swear to you I'm going camping this weekend. I KNOW. This basically isn't even America anymore. I've been writing Stranger for hundreds of years now and during that time I have alerted you no less than 75 thousand and eleventy times that camping is a lie perpetrated by the Chinese to make us all communists. And I know that it's basically unconstitutional that I would do this more than once. AND I'M SORRY OK?!

Please enjoy some Pictures & Distractions:

Post-work snuggles.

Waiting For Brunch

This weekend my 14-year-old niece who is 1,000 times cooler than I could ever dream of being and who will probably never again go anywhere in public with her haggard and embarrassing uncle came to stay with me.

I demand this from her from time to time because it makes me feel like I have friends. I am basically this:

Here's The Thing About Parenting

Strangerville Live is this Friday! Grab your tickets if you haven't already. It's shaping up to be a great show. FYI also, you don't need to bring a printed ticket to the door. We will check you in by name.

My baby sister and her husband are out of town right now so I was put on a sign-up sheet of sorts for child care for their three children. They needed someone to come and stay the night. I was signed up for two consecutive nights. Essentially 48 hours. Or, as it turns out, 1200 years in child care time.

This didn't seem like a big deal. I mean, how much trouble could these three be?

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

We're all exhausted. So let's just enjoy some pictures of puppies and some links of stuff to waste your day.

Because if we can't do that, WELL THEN I GUESS THIS ISN'T EVEN AMERICAN ANYMORE.

Too soon?

I love you guys.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

I will be arguing an 8th Amendment case in front of the 10th Circuit in a few days. My friend Jenna came to help me practice. We call this "mooting with puppies."

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

So tired. But Matt's going out of town and Adam has some crap going on so I'm having a puppy slumber part tonight and you can't stop me.

We are going to stay up all night gossiping.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions.

Skylar and I didn't have Halloween costumes mere minutes before Halloween parties were to commence. So he made these. We were dominoes. And then my perverted cousin made Instagram comments about our inadvertently inappropriate number choice. 

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

I found out that the best way to get Matt to do something is to text him and act as though he already committed to that thing. So just a minute ago I texted him, "what are you doing tonight after you come and tile the hearth of my fireplace?" And he responded that he didn't have plans after that, that he found the tile he wants me to use, and that I should meet him at some store at 5:30. And I honestly don't know if he really thinks he had agreed to do this previously or if he's just humoring me. But I'm going to conduct the rest of my life this way because it's possible that this is working.

I'm starting today's Pictures & Distractions with a video of my awesome 13-year-old niece and me at music night this week, wherein I hope her mother doesn't realize that I'm making her sing songs with mildly suggestive lyrics.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Brianne said that she doesn't think our relationship is going to survive the big office move this week because apparently I'm being "emotionally abusive" when I have my "temper tantrums" and "act like" her "child used to act when he was five and" she "told him it was bedtime."

Admittedly, I may have been somewhere approaching bridezilla on Tuesday, but I've been saying "please" and "thank you" to most people since at least Wednesday afternoon.

I DON'T LIKE CHANGE, OK?!? Being a 75-year-old man on the inside is the entire basis of my relationship with Matt. If I wasn't this way, none of us would have Mr. Pants in our lives. So you're welcome!

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

Last day in the office hashtag selfie. 

Puberty is the True Hero

My oldest niece is in middle school now ("oh my gosh stop it Eli no way you look so young" "omg stop you guys!"). This means that she is transitioning from school activities and performances for which there is a direct correlation between cute and disaster to activities and performances that showcase legit talent. I think this is because by the time you hit middle school you can't rely on being cute anymore to get you through these things.

Because puberty.

Puberty is not cute, you guys.

OBVIOUSLY I'm not talking about your kid. Your middle schooler is obviously the exception and is oh my gosh so cute srsly.

But all of the other kids in the world that are in middle school: no more relying on their Gerber Baby faces. They have to start putting up something of value or they'll get eaten up by this monster of a world the rest of us created for them.

So tonight I attended my niece's middle school choir concert. To be clear, my niece is a perfect being of wonder and light and she has never and will never do anything wrong and if I knew how to work a camera, I would have been pushing parents out of the way at the front of the auditorium tonight to get an HD video of her breathing during tonight's performance. This niece was born on my birthday (OMG today (Wednesday)! Hashtag cake! Hashtag hard to know when it's my birthday because always cake!).

Is Adele Real?

Remember how Adam came and tore out my entire concrete pond while I was out of town and then I nominated him for the Nobel Peace Prize (decision pending) and had 30 stars named after him?

Well there has been a large pile of jagged and probably-asbestos concrete in my yard for past couple of weeks. I decided to hire someone to haul it away because I already did manual labor this year and this face wasn't made for work.

So I started calling people and everyone was like, "sure, I'll come do that for you. It will cost you 12 billion dollars." And then I would yell back into the phone, "well I've never!" like a classy broad in 1940.

Apparently everyone in the whole world hates hauling concrete and so nobody is willing to do it unless they are paid 12 billion dollars for it.

That is, everyone except for my brother-in-law Jeff, who I think might actually be a perfect human being.

Well Look What the Stork Brought

My baby sister emitted human life from her womb on Thursday. This is her third child. I was ecstatic for little Lucy to come because:

A. Baby sister makes sassy adorable children and I want to keep one.

B. I want exactly 300,000 nieces because it is impossible to have enough nieces and if the sisters have enough babies maybe they won't notice when I keep one.

C. It is 100,000 degrees in Salt Lake City all the time always right now and baby sister should not have to be pregnant in such conditions.

D. All of the above.

And the answer is D. But I'll give credit if you chose A or B. Because mostly those ones.

I was getting confusing texts from Cathie for most of the day while I sat in my office, wondering when it would be "safe" for me to make my way to the hospital.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Today after I left the office I went to the gym to swim. As I often do, when I exited the pool, I entered the steam room for some light stretching. The steam room has two rows of tiled benches, so I went to the top row, extended my legs, and started doing the good ol' fashioned sit and reach. Then, while still sitting in such a position, I turned my upper body to stretch out my lower back. Imagine sitting on the ground and trying to turn to look behind you. That's what I was doing. Just that. A very simple thing to do.

I don't know if it was because I was still dizzy from swimming or if I'm really just this uncoordinated, but when I turned my body this way and tried to put one of my arms behind me for support, I completely lost balance. And I fell. I fell off of the top row and slid, while spinning, through the middle row, and landed on my back and on the floor.

There were four other people in the steam room.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:

Roses from my yard.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

I made it home with my family from Disneyland. THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON ALL THE EARTH AND DON'T YOU DARE DISAGREE.

I'm tired up in here. But so happy I got to spend the week with my family. Those nieces and nephews are growing up too fast. And I love the hell out of them.

So here are your travel Pictures and Distractions:

With my niece Kate on a long drive.

Nephew

Tonight I was in a restaurant with my entire family. My family never seems very big to me until we decide to gather in a public place. Then it feels like an entire nation of people. And also I think we usually look like a big polygamist group because the women outnumber the men and most of my nieces and nephews look to be about the same age.

If only I could convince my sisters into polygamy hair.

The kids were tired. A couple of them were falling asleep at the table. All of them looked like they were twenty minutes from a total meltdown. Some of the adults appeared that way, too. By the time we were leaving the restaurant, I think everyone was looking forward to just getting all of the children home, pumped full of Ambien, lights out, and in bed.

JUST KIDDING! We aren't that irresponsible! We use nightlights for the little ones.