Photos of People Having an Authentic Time at my Wedding

I'm going to give you a bunch of details about the wedding with some actual wedding photos, etc. in the coming days. But for now, I want to leave you with this gem.

In the chaos of the morning and the photos with family and friends, someone took my phone. I think it was in my pocket and it was suggested I remove it for the pictures. I don't remember, really. It was all a whirlwind.

At the end of the wedding, my friend Caitlin handed my phone to me, saying she had it for a few hours and "don't worry. I took lots of pictures of people having a very authentic time."

I thanked her for her thoughtfulness and took the phone. On the drive back to the house I started looking through the photos she captured and discovered, well . . .

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

So I'm on a layover in the Phoenix airport right now and I have a bag of Swedish Fish, because candy. And there's this guy/kid who I think is either 16 or 18 or 21 and he's one of those for sure I just don't know which and he was staring at me for a full ten minutes and it was starting to really creep me out. Actually, I just realized that I can take a secret picture of him so you can weigh in on the 16/18/21 question:

Anyway, finally he walked over to me and I thought he was going to kill me, because that's what you do after you stare at someone for ten straight minutes, but he said "excuse me. Can I have a Swedish Fish?"

So I gave him a few because I can respect any man/child who just wants candy. But now I'm realizing that this was actually very bold of him and I'm wondering when we started teaching the kids to ask for things they want because BACK IN MY DAY you didn't ask a grownup for a lifesaver if you were drowning in the ocean. AND you apologized for the inconvenience of dying in front of adults. And now I can't decide if it's good or bad that the kids are so bold these days. Assuming he's a kid. He might be 30. I can't tell how old people are anymore.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

It was Mr. Teddy Scraps's birthday this week! He turned 1!

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Today is Cathie's birthday. Since she was born, we have landed on the moon, the Soviet Union fell, and cookie butter was invented. Coincidence? I think not.

Happy birthday, mother.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

Sometimes Mr. Pants looks like a very old wizard who is about to drop some bomb wisdom on everyone. 

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Last night I was talking about Fabio, as we all do a few times a week, and I asked my friend Skylar,

Eli: How old do you think Fabio is?

Skylar: Gosh. This feels like one of those "guess how many marbles are in the jar and win a prize" questions.

And I'm telling you, this felt like a very accurate statement. Because is Fabio 85 or 30? Or 50? Or did he live in another era entirely and have absolutely no overlap at all with my life?

HOW OLD IS FABIO?!

I really wish I knew how to Internet and find out. This is important.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

Why didn't anyone tell me I looked like a Methodist preacher at The Porch!?

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.

Young Wade and I shall set sail for Boulder, dark and far too early Friday morning. Years of anticipation and preparation, disappointment and frustration, all culminate to this weekend. My stomach is full of butterflies and my legs are bouncing with nervous adrenaline.

It's been an emotional week as I've reflected on the path to this point. I'm tired and changed in ways I hadn't anticipated when I first set out to prepare for an Ironman in 2011, totally ignorant and without an accurate sense of the respect this process was due. But I've carried on, and gained that respect, at a great cost, and now I'm pretty proud of myself for paying it.

Feel free to follow my progress on Sunday on the Ironman Boulder website. I'm number 1574.

Until then, enjoy some Pictures and Distractions:

Mr. Pants, majestic. 

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Matthew Pants went to his home state of Mississippi (or, as he calls it, "Miss'ippi") to remodel his house there and sell it. He left Mr. Ollie Pants in my enthusiastic care. Mr. Pants and I have had our ups and downs this week.

Ups: Every moment in which we have gazed into one another's eyes in gentle longing affection.

Downs: 3:00 AM barking at nothing in particular on Wednesday night followed by two hours of dropping toys on my head.

Young Wade tried to take him from me one night so I could "sleep in peace." I acted like he was a social worker trying to take my baby from me. You guys. I love this animal too much.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:

With Mr. Pants!

Blog Comments

More often than you might expect I get emails from blog readers who are curious about how I feel about the comments on Stranger. My friends and family are constantly asking me about this, too.

"Don't you think it's annoying when someone leaves a comment telling you to marry Jolyn/Rebecca/Hannah/TheQofC?"

"Did it make you mad when that anonymous commenter said that your writing is boring?"

"Why don't you delete the comments that call you a liar and say that you exaggerate?"

"Why don't you ever respond when people accuse you of being gay? THEY ARE ACCUSING YOU OF BEING GAY!"

You may have noticed that I'm not the world's most avid comment responder. I make a point here and there to pop in and say hi, but mostly I'm too lazy and tired and distrac . . . oh look! A bird!

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Alas, we have made it to the end of the week. Somehow. And somehow, again, I just rolled into my office at 11:00 PM for a full night of work and a busy day tomorrow. This work week from hell and I are in a battle to see who can out-survive whom.

Until next time. Here are your Pictures and Distractions:

With Kate riding horses last week.

A Big Day for Hannah Rose

I met Hannah Rose three years ago. We both ran in the same 5k and took first and second place. (This was not a very competitive race, but we usually neglect sharing that fact when telling the story to others.)

I was impressed with how fast of a runner Hannah was. I was in good shape at the time, at the end of my training for the first Ironman I attempted, and have been a runner for many years. And yet, I had a difficult time staying ahead of Hannah in the race and only beat her by a small margin.

She did not seem pleased that she did not win. I later found out that she was an incredibly competitive person. A collegiate runner for BYU and a phenomenally good athlete, she entered the not-so-competitive race expecting to come in minutes before anyone else.

I RUINED THE DAY.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Dear Salt Lake Crowd, please don't forget to join us at The Porch on Saturday night at 9:00. The only thing better than Halloween is Halloween PLUS The Porch. Oh, and also Paul Simon, cheesecake, when you realize there is another pack of string cheese in the fridge that you forgot about--ok, so there are a lot of things that are better than Halloween. BUT COME ANYWAY. (FB link).

Happy Halloweeeeeeeen. I don't know why I said it like that. I think I was hoping that it would help you read that word in a creepy voice. But I guess putting all of those extra letters wouldn't necessarily have that effect. Maybe you just read it like how people say "cheese" for pictures. Which isn't spooky at all. But it does make you smile.

So YOU'RE WELCOME FOR EITHER MAKING YOU SAY "HALLOWEEN" IN A CREEPY VOICE OR GETTING YOU TO SMILE.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions. (Please feel free to follow me on what the kids are calling the Instagrams.)

With my favorite Australian at the Women's conference.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

So the other day I wrote about how I decided to sign up for Ironman Boulder. And in that post I explained that trying to prepare for and get to Ironman Lake Tahoe was an exhausting experience, in part because I had to drive "halfway across the country." And you guys FREAKED THE HELL OUT in the comments and on Facebook and in emails to me. Because SLC to Tahoe is apparently NOT halfway across the country. And it is offensive to anyone who has ever driven halfway across the country that I made such a claim.

Which got me thinking: I exaggerate an exceptional amount on Stranger. I think somewhere around 10% of what I say is literally true. And for the most part, everyone just rolls with it. But I finally found your breaking point. And that breaking point is overstating how far I had to drive to get somewhere.

AND I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN. (I love you guys. I seriously wish you could have seen how giddy it made me that several of you called me out on this. You are wonderful.)

And now, your Pictures and Distractions. (Please feel free to stalk follow me on Instagram)

It is amazing the amount of crap Ms. Hannah Rose gets me to do.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Eli: Are you guys watching Survivor?

Cathie: Is that the one where they are all naked?

Eli: Uh . . .

Cathie: Oh. I'm thinking of Naked and Afraid. Disgusting! But not as bad as Dating Naked. Now that one just grosses me OUT! Kayaking naked? WHY WOULD THEY BE KAYAKING NAKED?!?

Eli: Um . . . ok.

Cathie: Every single time I see it I just want to throw up!

Eli: Why do you keep watching it?

Cathie: NEVER YOU MIND!

(Note, Cathie then explained that she meant that she keeps accidentally coming across it and can't change the channel fast enough to get away from the nudity. NOT THAT WE KNOW WHAT THAT IS).

And now, your Pictures and Distractions. (Feel free to follow me on Instagram).

Ollie loves me so much. It's just that sometimes he doesn't know how to show it.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Oh. My. Gosh. Next week at this time I will be driving to Ironman Tahoe.

YOU GUYS!!! WHERE DID THE TIME GO?!? One minute I'm doing an interpretive dance in my Snuggie at a park and the next minute it's already almost time to swim, bike, and run for an entire day.

By the way, I've been wanting to say for a while that I have gotten really terrible at responding to your emails. This happened about one year ago when I got back from Palau. I used to respond to them all but I just can't keep up with them anymore. I want to let you know that I'm sorry and I still love you and I think about you all the time and imagine what you would look like in overalls. (Don't ask). Really, truly, thank you for all the emails you send. I read every single one of them and appreciate them all, even if I don't respond and tell you so.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:

(Please join me on Instagram for more pictures.)

With my people at the Greek Festival. (HI TRACY!)

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Look. I know. This is supposed to be a Pictures and Distractions post. I know the rules, you guys. Can everyone please stop yelling?

I can't do a Pictures and Distractions post right now because I have BREAKING NEWS.

This is just like when you get all excited to watch your favorite show and you turn on the TV and find out that they are doing 4 hours of hurricane coverage instead. Or worse. The World Series.

And I know. I'm acting like Stranger is CNN now with all of this "breaking news" talk. Well maybe Stranger should get a little more credit for being an incredible news source than it currently receives. Stranger is still the only news outlet that covered Leotrix, after all.

Take that, MSNBC.

On to the breaking news. Yesterday I told you that I was panicking because YOU GUYS! BED BUGS!!!

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

So the other day I wrote that post about how SweatBlock has completely changed my life since parents have stopped pulling their children away from me in public. Then SweatBlock saw the post and reached out, creating a promo code for Strangers who order it. Then at least one of you (HI LEE!!!!) accused me of selling out. WHICH I WOULD HAVE GLADLY DONE HAD SOMEONE TOLD ME HOW BEFOREHAND. But you guys. I didn't have the foresight to sell out. I WISH I HAD SOLD OUT. I had never communicated with SweatBlock before writing that post.

But I thought you would be interested to know that SweatBlock emailed me today to say that already the response from that post in terms of sales has been almost as good as the response they received when they appeared on Dr. Oz. Which can lead one only to conclude that you Strangers are sweaty beasts.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions. And yes. I am in every picture. I just like myself that much.

With my best friend, Corey, in San Diego.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

I got four voicemails within five minutes from Rebecca the other day. Each said roughly the same thing: "HELP! EMERGENCY! WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING! I'M NOT SAFE!"

I had mixed feelings. There was a little "boy who cried wolf" going on because of the time when Rebecca told me she was "getting attacked in the streets." But also, she's living in Paris, and with each voicemail, the entire plot of Taken ran through my mind. So I called her back.

Rebecca: Hello?

Eli: START YELLING OUT EVERYTHING YOU SEE! TATTOOS, SCARS, OR ANY OTHER IDENTIFYING INFORMATION AT ALL!

Rebecca: Is this a Taken thing? Because I'm not actually in danger.

Eli: But the voicemails?!

Rebecca: Oh. I was just walking home from somewhere and wanted someone to talk to.

In some ways I want to kill Rebecca. In other ways, she is just me in a woman body. And this confuses me.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:

Ms. Hannah Rose, flying.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Happy weekend. I had a bit of a panic attack this afternoon. I was sitting in my office when suddenly I noticed a brown paper bag on my windowsill. I was certain I didn't put it there. Naturally, I assumed that it had inside of it:

A. A dead rat.

B. A bomb.

C. Poop.

It took me nearly ten minutes to work up the courage to look inside. I swear to you, I thought I had a 50% chance of losing my life over this.

What was in the bag? Bananas. You guys. I need to get some rest. Or start doing drugs. Whichever is easier.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:

Another gratuitous selfie with Hannah at Lagoon to add to your collection.