The Restaurant By Our House

There's this restaurant we like to go to near our house because the food is fine and it's always empty and this face wasn't meant for crowds.

I don't know when that happened, exactly, by the way. The crowd thing. One minute I was 22 and all like THIS LOOKS FUN

and then the next thing I knew I was 34 and refusing to go inside sandwich shops if there was even one person waiting in a line.

You guys. I would rather starve than wait for one minute in any line anywhere on this planet.

Provo's Most Eligible

My best friend from law school, Corey, moved to New York City a bunch of years ago. I'm eternally indebted to her ever since she saved my life during our first semester of law school in 2008.

Her husband has been deployed overseas for several months, #thankyouforyourservice, so I decided to go visit her last weekend to make sure she's eating all her vegetables and saying her prayers and paying her taxes and stuff.

I was in New York for three nights and we decided to make the most of it by seeing three shows. We saw Mean Girls, very fun, Dear Evan Hansen, very emotional, and then Fiddler on the Roof in Yiddish, which, I know, seems like a risky choice, but you guys. It was one of the most fun things I've ever done.

Mock Depositions

I got to New York City a few days ago because my law firm decided that I should go to this training class.

I decided not to be offended by the suggestion, even though the class is really meant for people who are pretty recently out of law school. It's a deposition class where we spend several days taking mock depositions of fake witnesses while a panel of teachers snorts coffee and probably cocaine to try to stay awake long enough to give feedback because, as it turns out, there is something more boring than a deposition and that is a mock deposition.

It's not all bad. And the less cynical version of myself, the one that sometimes gets enough sleep and doesn't have shingles, would probably admit that the class is really helpful. This, despite the fact that a good portion of it is geared at explaining to the students what a deposition is in the first place, which might have been helpful to hear before I took eleventy depositions over the mumble-mumble years since I finished law school.

Obviously my main objective when walking into the class on the first day was to become as popular as possible because my popularity is an exact measure of my self-worth. And so I positioned myself to make all of the right jokes in all of the right places in front of all of the right people.

But because the class is really geared toward people who pretty recently finished law school, I'm a solid decade older than nearly everyone there, which is not a big deal if you're, like 75, but which is a surprisingly big deal if you're say 34.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Mr. Duncan Doodle has been doing this thing where he starts following me around as I'm getting ready for work because he senses that I'm about to leave him. And he makes himself look as pathetic as possible, which works in persuading me to stay home a little longer exactly 125% of the time.

I never thought I would find myself in a place where I was only the second best manipulator in the house.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

Caught spyin' on The Perfects.

Celebrity Flight

Skylar took a flight from L.A. to Salt Lake City last weekend. While he was at the airport in L.A., he started texting me.

In the above video, Skylar stealthily moves the phone from his hand to show a girl sitting at a table with someone who is probably her mom. I wanted to show you this video so you could weigh in. But:

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

You guys. Mr. Pants is coming to sleep over at my house starting tonight for the WHOLE weekend! He is so excited and has been texting me all day. We are going to stay up all night and gossip about other dogs.

Mr. Pants is currently my most healthy relationship in my life. And no, this isn't "sad," Bob and Cathie. Hashtag love wins.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

With Rebecca and Skylar in NYC.

This is What Friendship Looks Like

I got to spend a great deal of time with Corey in New York City over the weekend. Corey is one of the closest friends I've ever had. I can't call her my best friend here because Lee will freak the hell out and accuse me of calling too many people my best friend and for not including him in that.

I'M PLAYING HARD TO GET, LEE.

Corey is the smartest person I've ever met in my life. Her brain works at levels I can't comprehend. She is also extremely charismatic and the most strong-willed person I've ever known. Because of this, she sort of always finds a way to get exactly what she wants in life and I am totally convinced that one day she will be ruler of the Earth so I'm trying to stay as close to her as possible.

Corey and I met in law school. A few weeks after law school began in 2008, we competed against each other in a mock negotiation competition. We had never seen one another before setting foot in that room and for the next hour we yelled at each other so condescendingly that the moderator had to intervene.

We immediately became frienemies. We recognized that we had nearly identical personalities and senses of humor, but we were both so stubborn that it seemed impossible for us to live peaceably.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

So the other day I wrote that post about how SweatBlock has completely changed my life since parents have stopped pulling their children away from me in public. Then SweatBlock saw the post and reached out, creating a promo code for Strangers who order it. Then at least one of you (HI LEE!!!!) accused me of selling out. WHICH I WOULD HAVE GLADLY DONE HAD SOMEONE TOLD ME HOW BEFOREHAND. But you guys. I didn't have the foresight to sell out. I WISH I HAD SOLD OUT. I had never communicated with SweatBlock before writing that post.

But I thought you would be interested to know that SweatBlock emailed me today to say that already the response from that post in terms of sales has been almost as good as the response they received when they appeared on Dr. Oz. Which can lead one only to conclude that you Strangers are sweaty beasts.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions. And yes. I am in every picture. I just like myself that much.

With my best friend, Corey, in San Diego.

"Sam" Diego

I abandoned you for a few days and now everyone is mad at me and nobody is even telling me how good my hair looks right this second. AND THIS IS THE HARDEST TRIAL I'VE EVER EXPERIENCED.

My childhood best friend, Sam, AKA "POTTY MOUTH," finished his orthodontics residency and has started his practice after eleventy million years in school. In celebration that he has finally crawled out of the hole into which he went when he began dental school, a small group of us met in San Diego to crash on the beach for four days.

Sundance

Right now the Sundance Film Festival is happening in Park City, about a thirty minute drive from Salt Lake City. The Festival happens every year and every year people scramble for tickets to screenings of independent films if for no other reason because EVERY famous person that has ever lived is out walking the streets of this small town for a couple of weeks and the chances of seeing them are high.

Corey Came to Town

This feels like a fake post. I don't really have a story for you. I'm just going to be blathering for a minute. You should probably go read something else. Or go back to bed and finish your Christmas-sugar-high coma. Or actually, instead of reading this post, you should spend your time leaving comments on it that sound like they're responding to something I said but that have absolutely nothing to do with anything I've ever written. This will mislead the people who come to Stranger and just read the comments. And shame on them for just reading the comments. I HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO SAY TOO.

Last weekend my friend Corey and her husband Michael came into town. Corey is my very best friend in the entire world. BESIDES YOU GUYS, OF COURSE.

Corey and I met at the very beginning of law school and became what the kids refer to as "frienemies" pretty quickly. We are both pretty opinionated and vocal and competitive. Two months after meeting her we experienced what our friends now refer to as the "finger pointing incident," which is still a sensitive topic between the two of us. This was where we got into a VERY heated argument in a study room at the law school and Corey (who denies this) pointed her finger at my face and I was said to have yelled, "AND GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF MY FACE!"

Lamps

There's this really serious problem that I have that I didn't realize I had until I moved back to Salt Lake City. It's sort of a subset of a greater problem that I did know I had. And, well, I guess I'm finally ready to declare it publicly:

My name is Eli McCann, and I'm a lamp hoarder.

"Hi, Eli."

Oh gosh. That was hard to get out. But the first step is admitting there's a problem. Step two: talking about it. Steps three through fourteen: ice cream and cheesecake. Step fifteen: reward yourself by buying another lamp.