Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Mr. Duncan Doodle has been doing this thing where he starts following me around as I'm getting ready for work because he senses that I'm about to leave him. And he makes himself look as pathetic as possible, which works in persuading me to stay home a little longer exactly 125% of the time.

I never thought I would find myself in a place where I was only the second best manipulator in the house.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

Caught spyin' on The Perfects.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

I'm going to choose this one time to say a word that I literally never say beause I feel like it's appropriate: y'all, I'm exhuasted.

I PROMISE NEVER TO SAY Y'ALL AGAIN.

What a week/month/year. As I sit in my office this Thursday evening, watching the flecks of snow drift down to the ant-like cars below, I'm full of nostalgia and just a little bit of longing for a time when life was slightly simpler, gratitude for the richness of the complexities that make it not so simple anymore, and optimistic that all is well, or at least will be, whatever that means.

Thanks for your amazing support lately--even the support you didn't really realize you were giving. You Strangers make my world go around. Sometimes that's weird, sometimes it's lovely, but always it's entertaining.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

Christmasing with Matthew and Skylar.

The Year of Productivity

I realized some time ago that New Year’s resolutions work as well for me as they do for most people. I embrace them enthusiastically on January first and then drop them with reckless abandon sometime around January fourth.

If I was as goal oriented every day as I used to be January 1 through 4, I would have cured everyone’s cancer by now AND fulfilled my lifelong dream of teaching a water aerobics class to a group of 50 plus.

Maybe some of you are more dedicated to your goals than I am. Or maybe you all live your lives so effortlessly and perfectly that change isn’t really needed and so resolutions are pointless.

Well I’m not like you. I’m deeply flawed. Layers and layers upon flaws. Flaws coming out of my ears. Flaws coming out of my nose. And I pick at them and wipe them under seats in public venues. And then I chew off all of my fingernails and spit them across the room. And I don't even cover my mouth when I yawn.

I don't remember what we were talking about.

Camping

On Friday I went camping. Or should I say, "camping." With finger quotes. Or maybe I should call it something else because I don't want all of my friends to jump down my throat and scream at me again for calling what I did on Friday "camping."

Look. I went into the woods. I sat around a campfire. I roasted marshmallows. I even set up a freaking tent. And when I say "set up a freaking tent" I mean "watched Val set up a tent while I complained that it was hot and that there was nowhere to sit."

No, I did not "stay the night." No, I did not, "sleep in a sleeping bag." No, I don't know why I'm "using quotation marks so much."

"So sue me."

I didn't do any of those things because UNCOMFORTABLE.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Last night I hosted the weekly Survivor party at my place (is anyone out there watching Survivor?). I'm trying to turn the party hosting into a cutthroat competition by having good food available and sucking up to all of the attendees by complimenting their hair. Mr. Disney Prince Hair (Brandt) and I alternate hosting it and every week great efforts are made to outdo the last attempt to win the affections of others.

So yesterday I decided to make banana bread. Living-in-sin-roommate, Rebecca, who swears that she can't eat anything that is considered "food" by respectable society, mentioned that I could try to make this bread gluten free. She then pulled out what I now believe was just sawdust and suggested that I replace the flour with it. So I did as she asked.

Is there a disease where your body can only process foods that have gluten in them? Because I think I have that.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:

From my bike ride this week up the canyon. I almost died of overexertion getting to this point. Please tell me the Ironman is going to be all down hill.  

Full House Reunion

Val: [Sounding annoyed] Ugh. I heard that they are thinking of doing a Full House reunion show and--

Eli: SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS!?! WHEN?! HOW LONG?!? IS EVERYONE GOING TO BE THERE??!? WHAT ABOUT AUNT BECKY AND THE TWINS?!

Val: Oh. You're excited about this?

Eli: AND WHAT ABOUT KIMMY GIBBLER?!?!? OH MY GOSH WHATABOUTKIMMYGIBBLER!?!?!

Val: I guess I don't need to pretend to not be excited. I was going to feel it out with you first. I will TOTALLY be watching it if it actually happens.

Eli: Oh, honey. I will cancel everything that could possibly be happening in my life just to catch the previews of it on television.

My Phone is Vulgar

I have a new "what the kids are doing" to tell you about. There's this thing that some phones can do that I'm pretty sure is powered by the devil himself. I don't even know if it has a name. But basically the way it works is you push this button on your phone and then talk and the phone types what you said. It's lazy texting. But I think every time you use it you sell a piece of your soul.

I have sold a lot of my soul because I use it a LOT. And it's surprisingly usually pretty accurate. I can speak quickly, quietly, slowly, with a slur, in an accent, meow, etc. and it almost always types out exactly what I've said.

Once you finish speaking you have to hit the button again to let it know you're done. Then it thinks for a few seconds and then presents all the text. Sometimes it thinks for a while before doing anything. This doesn't bother me because I just think I probably caught it at a bad time. Like, maybe it was in the middle of something really important like T.V.

Throat Chlamydia

Ring Ring

Val: Hello?

Eli: DID YOU KNOW THERE'S SUCH A THING AS THROAT CHLAMYDIA?!

Val: . . . Eli?

Eli: I feel so gross right now! You have to help me! What are we going to do?!

Val: So . . . wait. What?

Eli: Throat chlamydia, Val. I was just at the doctor and she told me about it.

Val: Um . . . Eli, what did you do in Mexico last week?

Eli: NOTHING. I just slept on the beach and visited my grandma. That's why it's so unfair if I got throat chlamydia down there.

Roommate Assessment

Val: Kurt, what's it like living with Eli?

Kurt: It's a little challenging.

Eli: Guys? I'm right here.

Val: Shush. The grownups are having a conversation.

Kurt: It takes a lot of energy and I don't always understand why the things that are happening in my life are happening.

Val: I bet. Is it ever scary?