Musical Cars and Meth Labs

At any given time there are eleventy cars in my driveway. This is mostly because at any given time Young Wade owns eleventy cars. I'm not kidding you about this. He has this hobby where he buys cars at auction, drives them for a hot minute, and then sells them.

I have no idea whether this is profitable or whether it is worth the hassle, but he seems to enjoy it. So much so that I get eleventy texts from him every single day with pictures of vehicles and a series of emoticons I have no idea how he accesses because nobody has ever shown me an emoticon manual and BACK IN MY DAY if you wanted to learn how to use something, you had to look at the manual.

Nowadays, everything is just intuitive for the kids. You go buy a phone or an i-thingy or a mac-a-something and there are absolutely no instructions on how to use it. The kids just pick it up and immediately know how to navigate the universe on their touch screen. WHILE DRIVING.

When I was a kid we found out that the library computers had this unbelievable technology where you could tap on the computer screen to navigate the book selections. So we, the children of the '90s, BEGGED our respective Bobs and Cathies to take us. This was only a few years after my entire family gathered around an answering machine one evening, excitedly, to watch Bob nervously record the outgoing message. Then we called Aunt Diana and asked her to call us back to see if it worked and when it did we JUMPED up and down and screamed.

Pictures of Food EVERYWHERE

I have a new "what the kids are doing" to tell you about. There's this brand new thing that must have just started like within the last two months or something where you go onto what the kids are calling "the Internets" and you post pictures of yourself and your food. I don't know why they are doing this and I can only assume it's all about drugs and sex and it is for those reasons but I decided I should probably investigate it and find out what's going on so that you all won't be in the dark anymore.

It's called "the Instagram." And despite its VERY MISLEADING name, this is not a cookie that you get to eat instantly. I have been hearing people talk about this for a while and it piqued my interest much more when I thought it was a cookie.

"Eli, you should TOTALLY get Instagram."

"Instagram is the bomb.com."

Shallow Tinder

Good morning, all. It's freaking cold. But I have exciting news. I'm going to be telling a story on The Porch this Thursday evening at Muse in Provo. The show starts at 8:30 and I believe I'll be opening it this time. I just found out about this yesterday. It's not like I was keeping it from you because I was mad. I hope to see every single one of you there. And then I hope all of you who can't get in because there isn't enough room have a huge gang fight in the street. But if you want to make sure you are not a part of that gang fight, you can get your tickets now here.

Recently I hung out with my friends, Jess and Marie. And our other good friend, Tinder.

I gave you a very accurate and detailed explanation and report of Tinder not long ago. Since then I have experimented with it and tested its limits.

My Phone is Vulgar

I have a new "what the kids are doing" to tell you about. There's this thing that some phones can do that I'm pretty sure is powered by the devil himself. I don't even know if it has a name. But basically the way it works is you push this button on your phone and then talk and the phone types what you said. It's lazy texting. But I think every time you use it you sell a piece of your soul.

I have sold a lot of my soul because I use it a LOT. And it's surprisingly usually pretty accurate. I can speak quickly, quietly, slowly, with a slur, in an accent, meow, etc. and it almost always types out exactly what I've said.

Once you finish speaking you have to hit the button again to let it know you're done. Then it thinks for a few seconds and then presents all the text. Sometimes it thinks for a while before doing anything. This doesn't bother me because I just think I probably caught it at a bad time. Like, maybe it was in the middle of something really important like T.V.