At Least Learn the Words if You're Going to Sing It.

The other day I got a phone call from my three-year-old niece, AKA "The Child Who Hates Me." Our rocky relationship hasn't improved much during the course of her almost four-year life. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I've tried everything you people have told me to do. IT'S LIKE SHE DOESN'T EVEN APPRECIATE ABSOLUTELY FLAWLESS HAIR.

So I was surprised, and excited, when I realized it was her on the other end. Then the most hysterical and adorable phone conversation that has ever happened took place.

Emrie: Hi, Ailai [Eli].

Eli: Hey kiddo! What's happening, girlfriend!

(Eli suddenly feels embarrassed for saying "girlfriend" because he's worried that it's going to look like he's trying too hard. His palms become sweaty.)

Poor Hannah

On Monday night my good friend Hannah came over to my place and graciously made me dinner. You guys. Anyone who wants to come over to my house and make me dinner is welcome to stay for as long as they want, no questions asked. I would let the Queen of Colors into my house if it said it was there to make me dinner. And this is even though I know for a fact that the Queen of Colors has never made dinner for anyone who has lived to tell the tale.

Salmonella poisoning, usually.

Hannah stayed for a bit and we were happy to catch up, having not seen one another for several weeks. And then I, in a very gentlemanly manner, walked her out. Well, I was only half a gentleman. Because I only walked her to the front door of my building and not to her car.

Swine Flu Christmas

It's a world record. The video from last Thursday's show at The Porch is up on Youtube and available for your viewing pleasure. Or displeasure. Or to your great frustration. It depends on how you feel about it. The point is, it's available and you can watch it if you want.

A big thanks, again, to Ms. Jolyn Metro, for filming this thing.

Many of you have wondered exactly where Lohan came from and I don't know whether I've ever really explained it on this blog. So this video may answer some of those questions. It will probably also answer some questions about me that you never wanted to know.

The Amazing Race

I feel like a broken record announcing this for the third day in a row. But you've come to expect that around here. I really only have about three different jokes that I just use over and over again, interspersed with references to the Queen of Colors and Leotrix, and some have you have been reading for two years. I'll be telling a story about my worst Christmas ever tomorrow night (Thursday) at The Porch in Provo, starting at 8:30. If you plan to go, please get your tickets now as the show sometimes fills up. You can get those tickets here.

And now, for today's post. This is for all of you who have been missing Daniel lately and want to see his happy face.

I know that I should be 100% too embarrassed about this to share it with you. But, what can I say? I'm losing my standards in my old age.

Ringworm Survivor

I think I've survived ringworm.

Axel appears to have left me. On the way out he was all, "I'm gonna find a new family who will appreciate me!"

And I was like, "Why does everyone I love always leave me!"

And he was all, "Because you don't shower or wash your clothes and you talk too much! Plus you spend two hours every day practicing thank you speeches in the mirror for winning unimpressive awards!"

And I was like, "First place at county hog wrestling in Oklahoma is NOT unimpressive!"

And he was all, "You're not even doing the correct accent! There is no reason to stay with you! None!"

And I was like, "What about cheesecake!?"

And then he stayed for another two days. But now it looks like he's pretty dead. And I'll miss him. It was the first time in my life that I've ever felt like I had a tattoo. It made me seem cool. People would run away from me at the gym because my tattoo made me look so fierce and intimidating.

The Car Accident Videos

Jolyn Metro has used technology from 1974 to provide us video proof on what the kids are calling "the Youtubes" that we recently visited The Porch. At Stranger, we only go in reverse when it comes to technology so this time we used a camera with AN ACTUAL VIDEO TAPE INSIDE OF IT to record the story I told at The Porch a couple of weeks ago. I'm not even kidding. Jolyn basically had to practice black magic and sell her soul to the devil to get that thing from the camera to the Youtubes.

Joke's on the devil, though. Jolyn's soul is going to burn Hell down come April Fools' Day. So he'll be sorry.

Here it is, in two parts: Videos that were recorded two weeks ago but that look like they're straight out of The Bob Hope Show.

Note: I hate the "still" shot on the second video below with every fiber of my being.

Shopping in Hong Kong

Happy weekend, Strangers. I've been wandering across Asia for the past few days. I don't typically do my international traveling alone. This is because I don't see the point in traveling if I don't have someone there to listen to me complain about it the whole time.

Despite being alone, I have continued with my typical travel commentary, out loud, and in public. Most people I see look at me like I'm crazy. Then this morning I ventured to the edge of Hong Kong because I heard there was a great outlet shopping mall out there and because I haven't done ANY shopping in a year. Plus the Land of Coconuts destroyed all of my clothes. Bless its little heart.

While shopping and commenting on the experience to no one in particular, I decided I should record the commentary so that you can feel like we're traveling together. Below I give you five short videos. Be sure to watch them sequentially. (Mostly I'm sharing these because OH MY GOSH I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW FAST THE INTERNET IS WHEN YOU'RE NOT IN PALAU!)

Video Proof that we Sometimes Get Out

During the course of the last year there have been a bunch of videos I have wanted to record and share with you. But since I live in Palau, the land where the Internet goes to die, sharing these videos has been almost completely impossible. This is frustrating beyond anything I can explain to you.

Do you know how hard it is to carry the burden of being the only person in the world who has seen Daniel's 1920s flapper girl dance?

Fortunately when K-Shell went back to the United States of America she took a bunch of pictures from my camera with her (I'm not exactly sure how this was possible but I think it involved dark magic) and what she took apparently included some videos. She just informed me that she did what the kids are calling "upload" with these videos to what the kids are calling "the youtubes." So, now outdated and completely out of context, here are three mildly entertaining short videos for your Wednesday.

A Huge Surprise

So remember last week when I wrote the most vague post about all time and complained that I have all sorts of things that I wanted to tell you but that I couldn't tell you because it wasn't the right time? Well GUESS WHAT!? Now is the time I can tell and SHOW you some of those things! And I have been SO FREAKING EXCITED to share this with you!

And I should probably wait for another day or two to get a more full story. But guys, there's no way I'm waiting. Waiting is not a thing that I'm good at doing.

About a month ago Daniel's employer, the Ministry of Health of Palau, decided they wanted to send him to some health conference in Montana. I know. What on Earth is in Montana? Health conferences for people who live on the equatorial Pacific, apparently.

That health conference took place all of last week, which means, Daniel flew out of Palau ten days ago. Much to discuss on that topic later, but for now, we're going to focus on his birthday.

When Daniel found out that he would be going to the U.S. he decided that he would make the most of the trip and stick around for a little longer to visit family and friends in Salt Lake City and New Mexico (which is where his parents live). This makes sense because Palau is twelve hundred light years away from the United States of America so when you make that journey, it's important to stick around a bit.

Guatemala Video

Happy Wednesday, all. I actually thought yesterday was Wednesday until about 3:00 PM when I met up with Jolyn and she informed me that it was Tuesday. So I'm feeling very confused today. Partly because I still don't really know what day it is because Jolyn lies to me whenever possible. But also because I thought I already experienced what I'm experiencing now.

Anyway, Jolyn didn't lie when she said that she put the videos up from The Porch event last week, so today I give you those. Jolyn says that they get blurry in a couple of places and she's very sorry for that but that the audio is fine and "nobody needs to see you clearly anyway." I passed on to her that we are all very disappointed and will probably never forgive her so you don't have to tell her yourself.

Jolyn had to split the video into two pieces for reasons that I didn't really understand (I was still thinking about the fact that it was actually Tuesday while she was explaining it to me). You can find Part I here and Part II here, or play below.

~It Just Gets Stranger

A Horrific Birthday Surprise

I have the best of friends; I have the worst of friends.

It was my birthday on Friday. I turned 275. Things I remember from my life:

1. When my friends told me about "email" when I was 16 and we each got Hotmail accounts so we could go home from school every day and spend the afternoon emailing each other. Email's foolproof system of archiving messages for time and all eternity, even back in 1999, is the number one reason why I can never run for office.

2. When my family got an answering machine when I was 6 and I thought we were like the Jetsons.

3. The Great Depression.

4. Planning out my last 7 years of life in 1993 because my sister told me that the Bible predicted the end of the world in the year 2000.

5. Talking about "the year 2000."

6. When it used to be ok to leave your kids in the car.

Ironman St. George Videos

Daniel and I recorded 7 short videos in St. George in the days leading up to the Ironman, shortly after our disqualifications, and the day after, discussing our experience and attempting to show parts of the course. In two of the videos there are parts with quite a bit of wind or other noise that make it difficult to hear. I apologize for that. In those sections, rest assured that we are talking about The Queen of Colors and The First Eye. I hope you otherwise find them entertaining.

~It Just Gets Stranger