The Funny Papers

Clay Bennett, Lalo Alcaraz, Dave Whamond, Jack Ohman, Daniel Boris, Mike Luckovich, David Horsey, Michael de Adder, Adam Zyglis, Dennis Goris, Pedro X Molina, Trevor Irvin,

The Funny Papers

Marc Murphy, Nick Anderson, Trevor Irvin, Mike Luckovich, Jesse Duquette, Lalo Alcaraz,  Ann Telnaes, Pedro X Molina, JD Crowe, Max Espinoza, Adam Zyglis, Bill Bramhall, Gary Huck

Why Is It ...

… that while some best friends get matching tattoos, my best friend and I have matching mental issues.

… that I have the ability to mulitask; I can lose my mind and chill at the same time.

… that I had to learn about parallelograms in high school instead of how to do my taxes. That information is only useful during Parallelogram Season.

… that even though I keep saying “it is what it is,” I need to know: what is it?

… that kids today are so soft. I remember I died once when I was seven and my mom told me to walk it off.

… that anytime I am suspicious of something I swear I am almost always right.

… that every so often I choose to wear a House Arrest Ankle bracelet as an excuse not to go out at night.

… that I never did a One Night Stand, but I did do a One Year of Wasting My F*cking time.

… that I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. Plus it's fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

Why Is It ...

… that my boss has yet to realize that a work meeting without food should be an email.

… that when you come to my house and I say “Make yourself at home” I mean do a load of laundry and run the vacuum.

… that I am 60% tired and I am also 40% tried.

… that my Mind will say, “Don’t say anything, just let it go. It’s not worth it,” and then my Mouth says, “I just find it funny how …”

… that life is better when you don’t care what other people think.

… that I don’t like to think before I speak because I like to be as surpised as everyone else by what I say.

… that I am already to get off work … tomorrow.

… that I just watched a lady look at my tattoos and clucth her purse so I said to her, “Ma’am, my ankle cost more than your handbag.”

… that I need to get a hurricane named after me because I’ve been a disaster all my life.

Meme Dump

Bobservations

Who says romance is dead? Not me, as you can see in this actual text exchange I had with Carlos:

"Why don’t we do the recycling when I get home from work?"

"You’re so romantic."

"I know!"

" We need batteries for the mouse."

"Sweet talker."

Jealous??? Hello??? Hello?

And I think if they nabbed #AuntLindsey to get her phone, it’ll clearly happen at the Dairy Queen. Just sayin’.

After railing against President Biden for the high gas prices earlier this summer, Fox “Business” anchor Charles Payne actually praised Big Oil experiencing record profits:

"You know what I say? Great, fantastic, I love it!"

But when he was asked if that means gas prices could come down, he replied:

"I’m confused about that."

Seriously. Dumb.

Our little Consuelo is sick this week. 

She started isolating herself Tuesday, eating very little, so we took her into the vet Wednesday morning for bloodwork and exams. They put her on some anti-biotics—she had a slight fever—and anti-inflammatories, and when we picked her up in the evening she seemed a little better. This morning, however, while she is eating, she is staying in the guestroom bathroom. 

Hopefully our vet will get the test results back today so we can see what’s wrong with our girl.

People going nuts that in the new live-action version of Disney’s The Little Mermaid the lead character is played by Halle Bailey, a Black actress.

Yes,  they believe that mermaids are white, and they clearly then also think mermaids are real.

We recently watched a stand-up comic, Daniel Sloss, on HBO, and he is funny and raunchy and filthy—much like me—but he’s also very smart and thought-provoking. During the last fifteen minutes of his set he turned serious and talked a very good friend of his who was raped by another friend of his, and how men need to step up and combat rapists. He made that comparison people make about police officers when he said:

“If you have ten buddies, and one’s a rapist and the other nine do nothing about it, they are all equally vile.”

Truth. But here he is just being funny …

Ron DeSantis handed out millions of dollars in bonus checks to firefighters and law-enforcement officers; nearly 85,000 first responders will be getting the $1,000checks.

Who made that possible, you ask? DeSantis is using money from President Biden’s American Rescue Plan—which provided $8.8 billion to the state of Florida—to help pay for this and lots of other programs that DeSantis is taking credit for because he’s a typical lying Republican.

That’s all.

I’ve seen lots of guys with these arm tattoos and have always wondered what they mean. Now I know …

Y’all heard that the My Pillow Guy, Mike Lindell, was stopped by the FBI at a Hardee’s drive-thru, and had his phone confiscated. But, while that is good news, the hilarious part is that Lindell wants everyone to believe that he does all of the business for his multi-million-dollar corporation over his cell phone.

Gosh, he really is that dumb.

Lucas Cruz is a blue-eyed Latino model, and while y’all know how I feel about the Latin Mens, the question is: Would You Hit It?