Why Is it ...

… that one one understands that the 'L' in my name stands for Leave me alone.

… that people don’t listen? I once spoke to a client over the phone who told me I was much friendlier and far more helpful than the person they had spoken to the day before … who was also me.

… the people need to learn that no one can get on my nerves like everyone.

… that the older I get the more I appreciate being out of the loop. Don’t fill me in … I don’t wanna know anything about anyone.

… that as blunt as I may seem, I don’t say half of what I’m thinking.

… that no one understands that I prefer to live in my own little world and they need a wristband to enter.

… that I don’t clear up any rumors about myself since I probably did do it, and if I didn’t, I might.

… that I don’t buy more piñatas; like, right now, I would love to beat the crap out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.

… that I am the nicest rudest most caring nonchalant I don’t give a f*ck person you’ll ever meet.

Why Is It ...

… that people keep talking about the flu but the only thing I’m fighting these days is the urge to call out of work every single day.

… that staying to yourself and not bothering people bothers people.

… that no one understand that my posts are not directed at any one person, but if the shoe fits, wear it Cinderella.

… that whenever someone says, “I like your personality,” I always say, “Thanks. I have more.”

… that I don’t dust my house because I believe we come from dust and we return to dust and that dust on my coffee table might be someone I know.

… that no doctor will allow me to get my glasses prescription placed into my windshield.

… that I just realized that the reason Carlos is the perfect  person to gossip to is because he won’t tell anyone what I said since he wasn’t listening in the first place.

… that when people say I’m acting crazy, I have to remind them that I am not acting.

… that I’ve reached the age where I don’t need an alarm clock to wake me up; I have a bladder that does that.

… that I truly think I can generate electricity with how irritated I can get at times.

Why Is It ...

… that one of my biggest flaws, when I ask someone their name, is that I forget to listen to what they say.

… that if you find me offensive, then I’d suggest you stop finding me in the first place.

… that y’all need to remember if Drunk Me said or did something rude and mean, you gotta take it up with Drunk Me. Don’t come at Sober Me; we weren’t there and we don’t know what happened.

… that the conversations I have with myself while I’m folding laundry are especially deep.

… that no automated messaging system realizes that I will press 0, and continue to press 0, until I get a representative.

… that you cannot text me once a day like I’m a vitamin.

… that one minute you’re young and fun and the next minute you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.

… that when a friend says to me, “Oh that’s so mean, I can’t say that,” I say, “Give me the phone.”

… that they call me 007 at work because I have 0 motivation, 0 skills, and take 7 bathroom breaks a day.

… that Facebook doesn’t let you laugh at a Friend Request.

Why Is It ...

… that I need 10 incomes for the lifestyle I have in my head.

… that people who abhor swearing get angry with me because I can formulate an intelligent sentence and still throw a motherfucker in just for the Hell of it. Learn to juggle people.

… that people don’t get it when I say I can’t go out because the cats expect me home at a certain hour.

… that you may call them ‘Red Flags’ but I call them Ten Fun Facts you don’t know about me.

… that my car will be on Empty and I’ll drive past 4 gas stations and just go home.

… that I always see adults pour a glass of wine and fill it only halfway and I think, ‘One of us is doing this wrong and I think it’s you.’

… that holding back my sarcastic replies takes nearly all my inner strength.

… that I’ve been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I looked up my symptoms online. It’s adulthood … I have adulthood.

… that when people wonder if I can be any more annoying, I always say, “Oh god, yes!”

… that they say right before you die your life flashes before your eyes. If that’s true, I hope it includes the blackouts because that would be like bonus footage and deleted scenes on a DVD.

Why Is it ...

… that I wouldn’t call myself quirky but there is definitely something wrong with me.

… that my boss asked me why I was gone for seven hours to smoke and I told him, "It was a brisket and that’s how long it takes. What?"

… that curly fries are my favorite snack because they are salty and spiraling … like me.

… that there are people my age out there climbing mountains and running marathons and zip-lining, and I’m here at home reveling in the glory that is getting my leg through my underwear without toppling over.

… that while I may not have lost all my marbles I admit there’s a small hole in the bag somewhere.

… that in the old days my taste in dates was so bad, that my Walk of Shame was on my way to the date.

… that you can burn all the sage you want but still you don’t understand that I will be back.

… that people at work are mad that I have taken to calling everyone “fucker.” I mean, when you think about it, “fucker” is gender neutral so I'm being politically correct.