I Didn't Say It ...

Jesse Watters, Fox moron, who never met an issue he could turn into an illiterate word salad:

“Call me ‘white dude,’ call me ‘weird,; but I’m into this. So, I signed up for the Zoom and I thought it was going to be great because they’ve been calling me toxic for quite some time and I thought maybe we were going to get over that and they were going to talk about wages and security. But no, this was a struggle session for pale, hairy, flabby California artists, and it was basically saying, if you want to be accepted by women, you should vote for a woman. Now, I don’t see why any man would vote Democrat. It’s not the party of virtue, security, it’s not the party of strength. It’s definitely not the party of family. And to be a man and then vote for a woman just because she’s a woman is either childish, that person has mommy issues, or they’re just trying to be accepted by other women. And I heard the scientists say the other day that when a man votes for a woman, he actually transitions into a woman.”

'I heard the scientists say the other day;' The Scientists?

Seriously, this idiocy passes for intelligence on Fox. Intelligence on Fox? I kid.

photo

Jake Tapper, CNN anchor, facing new blowback for not calling out The Felon’s lies during the debate, trying to recover:

“[January 6th was] one of the most shameful days in this nation’s history. They were attempting to stop the certification of an election that President Joe Biden won fairly. Three of [The Felon]’s supporters died that day of apparent medical emergencies. One ... was fatally shot by police as she approached the floor of the House of Representatives along with a violent mob. A US Capitol police officer, Brian Sicknick, later died of his injuries withstood on that day and then four other officers who defended the Capitol that day ... took their own lives. And it all began with this lie that the election was stolen. And here we are again in 2024 with just 99 days to go until the election, listening to [The Felon] stick with these same fabricated claims that he can only lose Minnesota if Democrats cheat. No. Now look, [he] may very well win the election. He may well lose the election, but these lies, they literally have a body count.”

Maybe then, Jake, you shouldn’t have let him get away with lying during the debate.

photo

Tim McGraw, on women’s rights:

“I want to see a world where my daughters have control of every decision. Whether it be medically, personally, or the way they want to live their lives. I support a woman’s right to choose. That’s between a family, their doctor, their God, and I don’t think anybody else has any business in being a part of that.”

This is what we need; more men speaking up for women’s rights, for everyone’s rights. If you don’t stand for the rights of one of us, you don’t stand for the rights of us all.

photo

Nicky Doll, drag queen, loving the faux Christians faux outrage over the Opening Ceremonies at the Olympics:

“It was my absolute honor to perform in front of billions of people around the world, and celebrate our Olympians and remember, to the ones that had their feathers ruffled seeing queerness on their screen: WE AIN’T GOING NOWHERE. The opening ceremony did ruffle some feathers… and I LOVE it. You know why? Because the Olympics are the biggest stage in the world and us queer people have always been the audience of other people’s life and achievement and it is time that we are welcome in the space. France has always been DRAG. Get over it.”

Yes, please get over it because drag queens and gay folks aren’t going anywhere.

photo

Andy Beshear, Democrat governor of Kentucky, on The Felon and The Guyliner’s stance on abortion:

“You look at the fact that my mom, my daughter, and my wife had a constitutional right ripped and stripped from them. I think it is important that we strip [The Felon] of the chance to ever have a second term.”

It’s that simple; we stand with women or we all fall.

photo

Chelsea Handler, on JD Vance’s lunacy:

"As you may have heard, [The Felon]'s running mate and future star of his own Dateline episode, J.D. Vance, is ruffling quite a few feathers this week. Listen up, you wingnut elegy. This country is still controlled by men in systems that were set up by men that are carefully crafted to continue to benefit men. So, to put it in women-hating terms you’ll understand, you’re being hysterical. But let's be clear: There's no correlation between childless people and the presidency. For example, our very first United States president, Mr. George Washington, didn't have children. In fact, he had two stepchildren. And to your point about Kamala not being fit because she's not a ‘mother,’ I'd like to remind you that no president in the history of the United States has ever been a mother. But maybe if she had five kids with three different men, and a scandalous affair with a porn star, and was convicted felon, that would be more palatable to Republican men. My God, are we tired. You sad, diet, Mountain-Dew-drinking, couch-humping, dolphin-porn aficionado, all of us childless cat and dog ladies are gonna go from childless and crushing it to childless and crushing you in November. And before you tell me he didn’t really f**k a couch, spare me. I grew up in New Jersey in the 80s where everyone had a couch in their basement, and I know a couch f**ker when I see one.”

And the rest of us are seeing it, too!

photo

Pete Buttigieg, on that resurfaced 2021 clip in which Vance condemns “childless” Democrats:

“The really sad thing is he said that after Chasten and I had been through a fairly heartbreaking setback in our adoption journey. He couldn’t have known that, but maybe that’s why you shouldn’t be talking about other people’s children. And it’s not about his kids or my kids or the vice president’s family. It’s about your family, people’s families whose well-being will depend on whether we go into a future led by somebody like Kamala Harris, who is focused on expanding the prosperity and the freedom, the well-being of our families. Or do you want your children to grow up in a country defined by a return to the chaos and recrimination and cruelty that was the hallmark of the [The Felon] era?”

So now if you don’t have children, according to Republicans, you don’t have anything to offer.

Let that sink in.

photo

I Didn't Say It

Andrew McCarthy, former Assistant US Attorney and current Fox News legal analyst, on Thing 45 and January 6:

“[Thing 45] was clearly aware just moments before he took the podium that you had a mob of heavily armed people. The critical thing he says is ‘they’re not here to hurt me,’ which implies that in his mind, he knows they’re here to hurt someone. And the second thing he says, which I don’t think has gotten enough attention, ‘they can come in, they can hear me, and then they can march to the Capitol.’ So he’s very aware that you have a mob that’s armed to the teeth that he is planning to encourage to march on the Capitol. And then as the testimony ensues, we find out that he not only intended them to do that, he wanted to participate, he actually wanted to lead them down there. That knowledge opens up the possibility that you could prosecute for aiding and abetting the intimidation of federal officials, which is a pretty serious crime.”

I’ve always said what will seal Thing 45’s fate is his own mouth and this is laid out perfectly.

He knew; he aided; he directed.

Good on a conservative pundit on a conservative channel for saying so, though, I know, the rabid MAGAts won’t hear it.

photo

Yesli Vega, Virginia Republican US House nominee, asked if she’s heard that it’s “harder for women to get pregnant from rape”:

“Maybe because there’s so much going on in the body. I don’t know. I haven’t, you know, seen any studies. But if I’m processing what you’re saying, it wouldn’t surprise me. Because it’s not something that’s happening organically. You’re forcing it. The individual, the male, is doing it as quickly. And so I can see why there is truth to that. It’s unfortunate.”

Yes, a woman, thinks any other woman’s body will reject a pregnancy outright if it results from rape.

Clearly this woman’s body rejected her brain eons ago.

photo

Willie Carver Jr., Kentucky’s 2022 Teacher of the Year, who is gay, is leaving teaching because of the anti-LGBTQ+ sentiment AKA ‘Don’t Say Gay’:

“This was not an easy decision; I have cried quite a few times trying to make it over the past few months. But, ultimately, I have always wanted to be in the place where I can most make a difference in the lives of the next generation. I believe that UK [in student support services] is where I can do this. I also increasingly find that, as a queer person in K-12 education, I have been unable to do that work without facing discrimination, heartache, and being a part of systems that cause harm, though I am immensely proud of my brilliant, hardworking, and fierce colleagues who have and continue to change that system in defense of students. I also know that I symbolize potential for some students. I symbolize potential for students who come from poverty, for Appalachian students, and for LGBTQ students [but] of late, I feel beaten down. I’ve withstood it, but it’s hard to find peace or happiness when you’re under attack.”

This is what the GOP is doing, taking dedicated teachers and running them out of schools simply because they’re LGBTQ+. And teaching these next generations that being LGBTQ+ is a terrible thing; the GOP spreading hate and intolerance and self-loathing.

How lovely.

photo

Chelsea Handler, on Kevin McCarthy calling himself and the GOP pro-life:

“By the way, Kevin McCarthy, since you mentioned it, let’s talk about what it means to be pro-life. Universal healthcare, that’s pro-life. Restricting guns, that’s also pro-life. Fighting climate change, , that’s also pro-life. Listening to doctors during a pandemic, also pro-life. Not forcing women to give birth like livestock: pro-life. But your party opposes all those things. Calling Republicans pro-life is like calling OJ Simpson pro-wife.”

Simple and direct, with a stab of truth-filled sarcasm at the end.

photo

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

You may remember that my BFF, Gwyneth Paltrow,  and her newly consciously coupled husband, Brad Falchuk married over a year ago and yet have never lived together.

Well, who could live with GOOP, but I digress … because the Falchuk-Paltrow’s are living together! And Gwynnie tells Jimmy Kimmel the hold off on the move-in was actually because of their teenage children …

“I think, really, because we each have two teenage children whom we love very much, but we were just trying to be mindful and give them a little space and not move too quickly… But now, we’re merged, and it’s great.”

But Jimmy prodded and prodded and asked her if Brad was allowed to keep any of his things when they coupled, and the truth came out:

“He got to keep some of his stuff. He’s [got] good taste. He’s got really nice clothes and we put some chairs from his house in there.”

She let him bring some chairs? Brad, honey, take your IKEA chairs and run.

photo

Chelsea Handler went on Jada Pinkett Smith’s Facebook talk show, Red Table Talk, to get into white privilege and it goes like this ….

Chelsea says she knows all about white privilege because she once went to a grocery store and came across a check-out line that was too long so she just said, ’Fuck it,’ and walked out of the store without paying because they would never stop a white woman.

No Chelsea, that’s not white privilege, that’s you tucking a ham in your cooch and strolling out of Ralph’s quietly.

Honey? You’re a thief.

photo

I’d say ‘Color me surprised,’ but why lie …

A mere few weeks after Miley Cyrus dumped her husband, and Aussie hottie, Liam Hemsworth, and then took up  with Kaitlynn Carter, Miley said she was taking time to be single.

And then those five seconds passed and now Miley has been paparazzi’d making out with Cody Simpson, the Aussie Justin Bieber.

I guess she has a thing for Aussie’s and relationships that end before the sell-by date on a carton of milk.

photo

Meanwhile, back at Gwyneth Paltrow … She is not really that into acting anymore.Odd, because acting was never really into her either, but I digress …

Paltrow was on a panel to discuss her role in a new Netflix series—created by her husband Brad Falchuk in exchange for being allowed to bring chairs into their home—and she said, of her acting job:

“I married a TV writer… he’s fantastic but he sort of dragged me back to the old job… I wouldn’t say I’m that passionate about it anymore…I have had a lot of good luck and a lot of hard work, which led to a really good film career…at a certain point I felt like it wasn’t what I wanted to do …so I did a little pivot.”

Which is doublespeak for when most of Hollywood said, “Gwyneth who?” and she started steaming her vagina instead.

photo

And now, sad news … the fabulous Diahann Carroll died this week at the age of eighty-four.

Miss Carroll, and she deserves Miss Carroll, started her career as a nightclub singer in 1954. And in that same year she made her film debut in Carmen Jones alongside Dorothy Dandridge. She also appeared in the film version of Porgy & Bess before taking on the groundbreaking television role of Julia, where she played the first non-stereotypical African American female character on television. Julia was not a maid, but was a nurse raising her son on her own after her husband was killed in Vietnam.

Miss Carroll said this of Julia:

“We’re going to present a very upper middle-class black woman raising her child, and her major concentration is not going to be about suffering in the ghetto. Many people were incensed about that. They felt that [African Americans] didn’t have that many opportunities on television or in film to present our plight as the underdog … they felt the [real-world] suffering was much too acute to be so trivial as to present a middle-class woman who is dealing with the business of being a nurse. But we were of the opinion that what we were doing was important, and we never left that point of view … We were of a mind that this was a different show. We were allowed to have this show.”

Miss Carroll received a Golden Globe award and an Emmy nomination for Julia. When that show ended, Miss Carroll starred in the title role in the 1974 movie Claudine and was nominated for a Best Actress Oscar.

And then came the 80s … and back to television for Dynasty where she would become Dominique Deveraux, Blake Carrington’s half-sister, from 1984 to 1987. Miss Carroll pushed to have that role created especially for her, saying:

“They’ve done everything. They’ve done incest, homosexuality, murder. I think they’re slowly inching their way toward interracial. I want to be wealthy and ruthless … I want to be the first black bitch on television.”

And she was, and she was fabulous at it.

After Dynasty she played Whitley’s mom on A Different World—and received another Emmy nomination—and guest starred on Soul Food, Whoopi and Grey’s Anatomy. On the stage, she appeared in House of Flowers, No Strings—for which she won a Tony—Agnes of God, Love Letters, A Raisin in the Sun, On Golden Pond, and as an African American Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard.

She was fierce and fabulous.

RIP Miss Carroll.

photo

It's Snarkurday!

Trouble at Casa de Lohan? Well, maybe so after Lindsey Lohan lashed out at her mom, Dina, in a since deleted Instagram post which read:

“@dinalohan … Sometimes it sucks when your mom isn’t there for you.”

And the accompanying photo of a woman dropping a cell phone with the words “We’re done” written across it.

Perhaps this is all due to Lindsay’s latest public kerfuffle at VBar in Greenwich Village last month when the “actress” — I know, it’s still funny … “actress’ — ALLEGEDLY spewed racist remarks to a bartender right before spitting in his face.

Look, maybe it went down like this, Lindsay went nuts at a bar — how big of a stretch is that? — and then she called her mom to fix it all for her, but Dina had already crawled into a box of Chardonnay for the night — how big of a stretch is that?

Dina and Lindsay will be fine, and will be up and partying and brawling and stealing and slurring and lying again real soon.

Last week the Broadway show “A View From the Bridge” was halted suddenly when a male audience member LITERALLY fainted at the sight of actor Russell Tovey taking off his shirt.

Seriously. A call went out for a doctor in the house, and three audience members tended to the unidentified man until EMTs arrived to take him to a nearby hospital.

The next day Tovey received a Tweet from the faint-hearted audience member apologizing if he “disturbed the performance.”

Mama always told me to apologize when I faint at the sight of a hot man.

Diva-fight! Diva-fight! Diva-fight!

As you might recall, back in December Patti LaBelle made a Sweet Potato Pie that broke the Internet after someone posted a video praising Patti’s, um, Pie. People went crazy and stripped every single Wal-Mart shelf bare just to get one.

And that ALLEGEDLY didn’t sit well with Aretha Franklin because now she’s launched a yet-to-be titled food line of her own that features Aretha’s chili, gumbo and baked chicken along with desserts … like, maybe, a Sweet Tater pie? Aretha told Detroit’s Channel 4 that while she hasn’t personally tasted Patti’s, um, pies, that:

“Ms. Patti’s gonna have to move that pie to the side!” 

Oh, the shade of it all. Now, she’ll staunchly deny any issues with Patti — which is good lest Lady Marmalade come after you with a water bottle — but all Aretha needs to find her chili recipe and do just that.

Leave the pies to Patti. Don’t start Pie Wars! Not again!

Rob Kardastrophe’s new piece — who is the old piece of Rob’s half-sister’s new piece — Blac Chyna was arrested at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport after ALLEGEDLY causing a drunken scene on a flight from LA.

It seems Blac Chyna — real name Angela Renee White — was headed over to London and had a layover in Austin, but was, again ALLEGEDLY, such a booze-addled mess on the flight that the crew called the police who waited at the gate for Blac to appear.

When Blac Chyna got off the plane, she called an airline employee a “nasty bitch” and tried to make a mad dash for her connecting flight but the police nabbed her, cuffed her, and arrested her and found she had 1 gram of, um, something on her and so they added drug possession to the charges.

And so Rob Kardastrophe made his own mad dash to Austin to bail out his girl, but the kicker is that he drove to Austin. Isn’t he still a Kardastrophe? So why did he drive?

Couldn’t he have trampolined off’a Kim’s ass or couldn’t he have asked That Woman to borrow her broom?

Bobby Flay’s love life is as messy as a Top Chef Kitchen after a Quickfire, and it appears the chances of it getting messier are improving.

Since Stephanie March divorced Flay, he is now back on the market and since messy people attract other messy people, he is ALLEGEDLY dating Chelsea Handler.

I know. When this thing implodes — and it will because Flay ALLEGEDLY cannot keep it in his pants — there will be a Handler explosion so loud … and followed by a new Handler streaming special, Flaying Flay.

And speaking of messy relationships … Chris Brown and his baby mama, Nia Guzman, are battling it out again.

It all began when Nia announced that their daughter Royalty has asthma and then accused Chris of being the reason why. According to Nia, Chris Brown loves weed — You.Don’t.Say — and cigarettes more than their child and is constantly exposing her to second-hand smoke, so now she wants a judge to force Chris Brown to hire a nanny to take care of Royalty.

Of course, that’s not all Nia wants a judge to do; she is also, coincidentally, asking for more coins, and wants her child support raised from $2500 a month to $16,000 a month. And this isn't the first time Nia’s gone to court to use her child to score a payday; last summer she also argued for an increase of $12,500 a month but was dee-nied.

Chris, who wants to keep his coins for weed and smokes … ALLEGEDLY … released a statement of his own on Instagram, of course, which has since been yanked down, naturally, in which he says he quit smoking “cigarettes” on New Years, and that no one smokes around his daughter.

Notice he didn’t mention the weed? Uh huh.

I have some advice for Chris: lay off the weed and the smokes and get your life together because you have a child, a daughter, and do you want her growing up and ending up like you?

I also have advice for Nia: if you want more coins quit coming up with these sad sack requests; simply tell the judge that Royalty has Chris Brown for a father and the vault will open.

I’m not surprised that Taylor Swift has a private plane … she probably can’t poo on a commercial flight … but I am stunned to hear that she has two private planes … one for flying, and one that follows behind and lands whenever Tay Tay has to poo.

Or something. And I’m not surprised that she is ALLEGED to have outfitted her aircraft with cashmere seat covers and a massage table and a high-altitude attitude with lots of demands for the minions who cart her around … according to a source—and it could be Lohan who’s taken a job as a flight-attendant:

“Taylor seems to make demands just for the sake of it. She insists her napkins and forks are at perfect 90-degree angles, one inch from the plate. The staff will do everything they can to ensure they have the exact foods she’s requested, but then she’ll change her mind after takeoff and it’s too late.”

Unless that second plane following behind is also carrying some extra food in case Little Miss Sunshine opts for Chicken Fingers instead of Spaghetti-O’s.

I always assumed Beyoncé’s management team was a CIA Black-Ops group, or perhaps Seal Team Six who only spoke on burner phones from a dark alley in Calcutta, or surfaced on the Dark Net to communicate with Her majesty, but apparently not because Beyoncé has announced that she has fired her entire management team … all real people, all on the unemployment line now.

Beyoncé has given the boot to her manager of five years, Lee Anne Callahan-Longo, and moved on to someone called Steve Pamon; she even gave the heave-ho to her own cousin, AKA her Executive Weave-And-Wind-Machine-ologist, and to the team of eighty-five men and women who had one job and one job only: Photoshop her thighs.

Beyoncé basically cleaned house, got rid of her whole team, and hired fresh so she can surround herself with people who will take her to the next level … meaning fatter paychecks, bigger hair, smaller outfits, hurricane wind machines … bit no real new music or talent.

A newly-hired Beyoncé rep commented on Beyoncé’s mass firing:

“Some senior staffers were given the opportunity to reposition and stay on. Some members . . . awakened [to] new interests and decided to follow personal routes.”

Repositioned? Going from manager to nail girl?

And who was reawakened? The vampire who owns Beyoncé’s soul?

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Okay, we get it! Chelsea Handler hates Angelina Jolie because Angelina “stole” Brad Pitt from Jennifer Aniston. I mean, mention AJ’s name around Chelsea and you get this: "Angelina seems like a demon” or "Angelina is evil incarnate.” Chelsea used to have an “Angelina is a f**king c**t” section in her, ahem, act, and she makes really offensive, and downright racist comments about the Pitt-Jolie children.

And Handler really ratcheted up the Angie Hate after signing with CAA [Creative Artists Agency] and now the proverbial shiz hit the fan. CAA’s big bosses aren’t keen on Handler’s handling of Jolie because Jolie is a huge star and they might one day want to, oh, I dunno, represent her, or work with her, and why should Jolie work with an agency that has such an evil bitch on their roster? So they’ve ordered Handler to stop the anti-Jolie crap she’s been spewing in her efforts to take over the role of Aniston’s BFF from Courtney Cox.

“Angelina has a lot of support at the top and they’re dying to lock her into a long-term contract,” noted a source at CAA — and you know it ain’t Lindsay because CAA don’t sink that low. “They don’t like the fact that Chelsea has really been saying some horrible things about her. For starters, she’s been accusing Angelina of being a plastic surgery-obsessed phony whose looks are fading fast. Chelsea also believes Angelina found the way to Brad’s heart through kinky sex, and that’s the only reason she was able to ‘steal’ him from Jennifer. But perhaps worst of all, Chelsea has dismissed all of Angelina’s humanitarian work, saying that she’s only involved with good causes because it helps her image.”

And what's the best part of this? Somewhere, someone is telling Angelina about Chelsea and Angelina's saying, “What? Who’s Chelsea Handler?”

So, Fifty Shades of Grey. Haven’t read it, don’t do Mommy Porn, but apparently there’s been a big hullabaloo about who’s going to star in the sexy — or so I’ve been told — film adaptation of the book. And in stepped Sons of Anarchy star, Charlie Hunnam, all set to play the lead, but that lasted for about a minute and now ... Hunnam’s out.

And the reasons why are as varied as the number of sexual positions in the book — again, so I’ve been told. Hunnam says he left because the shoot would conflict with his SoA shooting schedule, but, um, wouldn’t that have been part of the negotiations and wouldn’t he have known that up front? And now comes word that Hunnam left because the producers wouldn’t let him make Charlie Hunnam’s Fifty Shades of Grey. Yup, he was kinda asked to leave because the producers couldn’t handle his demands for rewrites and script control and so on.

Hunnam, who is also a writer — he wrote the Gothic horror screenplay Vlad for Brad Pitt’s Plan B — ALLEGEDLY submitted very detailed script notes on screenplay of Grey and when those notes were less-than-well-received Hunnam began making more changes and more demands and soon it was all, “Charlie’s out.”

Back in early 2012, the late Robert Kardashian’s widow, Ellen, started selling details to the tabloids about Kris Jenner and the Kardastrophes. She was the first tell the tale that Bruce Jenner is a cross dresser and regularly wore women’s clothing, shoes and lingerie. Ellen says she heard this from Bruce’s first wife, Chrystie Crownover, and also claims Chrystie told her that Kris Jenner wasn’t bothered by Bruce’s, um, in-home sense of style.

But now, in the wake of the Jenner split — and with no prenup which could cost Kris a buttload of Kardastrophe Kash — the rumor mill is spinning that Kris is blackmailing Bruce. An insider — and it could be any member of that Klan trying to keep their name in print — says, “Kris has told Bruce that she will reveal his secret if he doesn’t go along with her plans about their split or their show.”

See, Kris is an evil money-grubbing, child-whoring, fame-seeking despot who wants to keep Bruce on a short, perhaps feminine, leash until the final episode of the Kardastrophes airs and their contract ends in 2015. She wants the ratings and the fame of having the story of her marriage unravel on TV and will do anything to make Bruce high-heel-open-toe the line.

A few months back, we heard that Vanity Fair was doing exposé all bout Gwyneth Paltrow’s loose association with the truth and her Goop mess — with the $800 sweatshirts.

Well, Gwyneth, sitting upon her throne, with her kids Pomegranate and Solomon, and Chris Martin, her eunuch, at her side, commanded that no one within the sound of her voice speak to Vanity Fair at all, ever, or risk losing their heads. She sent an email out, throwing shade at Graydon Carter, VF editor, implying that the magazine was beneath her: 

“Vanity Fair is threatening to put me on the cover of their magazine. If you are asked for quotes or comments, please decline. Also, I recommend you all never do this magazine again.”

Well Carter didn’t like that and spoke out on his own:  

“We started a story on her. We have a very good writer and it’ll run. …  We wouldn’t be doing our job if there wasn’t a little bit of tension between Vanity Fair and its subjects ... That’s the nature of the beast. [But]  she sort of forced my hand. … Some famous people believe that they live in a cone of celebrity that protects them, but it doesn’t really exist anymore in LA unless they stay in.”

So, what’s Gwyneth afraid of in the VF piece, you ask? Sources — and it’s probably Graydon Carter himself because he ain’t afraid of no Goop — say the magazine will be digging into her “friendship” with billionaire Jeff Soffer — who is considered Miami royalty because he owns the lavish Fontainebleau Hotel and recently married Elle Macpherson:

 “Vanity Fair is asking if Gwyneth had an affair with Jeff back in 2008 [Gwyneth married Chris Martin in 2003 so … yeah ... cheater] when he reopened the Fontainebleau. He flew her in for the party, and she stayed at his house.”

Paltrow attracted attention to herself and Soffer by wearing a revealing little white dress to the resort’s reopening and then attending a Victoria’s Secret party in a “closed off in a private section with Soffer.”

Rumor has it that Paltrow and Martin were not a happy couple at the time, and perhaps this was her trying to jump-off with a rich dude, or make Martin so jealous he’d come running back. And Paltrow, who apparently never learned the lesson to keep her mouth shut, has ordered her royal representative to some out and deny she ever had an affair with Soffer:

 ‘It’s completely false. Jeff is a longtime friend of Gwyneth’s and there was no romantic relationship with him at all. He flew many of his friends to Miami that weekend – not just Gwyneth.’

A non-denial denial because a real denial would be this: She never schtupped him and if anyone says she did we’ll sue. This could be a good read; some good goop on Goop.

Now … Harvey Weinstein.

He produced the new Nicky Kidman flick Grace of Monaco which just smells like a bomb; I mean, maybe had the film been made, oh I dunno, a couple of decades ago, it might have been interesting, but these days no one knows from Grace Kelly; and no one knows why 46-year-old Nicky was the perfect choice to play the 33-year-old princess. And it began stinking even more when Weinstein pushed the release day back from its Oscar-nomination-consideration opening in December into 2014 where it will be ineligible for any Oscar noms.

And now GoM director Oliver Dahan is complaining that Weinstein is the reason the movie sucks because Harvey edited Dahan’s original version:  “There are two versions of the film at present, mine and his, which I find catastrophic.”

 Dahan says Weinstein wanted a “commercial film … removing anything that is too abrupt, removing everything that has to do with cinema, everything that has to do with life. … They made a trailer that did not correspond to the film, and then tried to make the film resemble the trailer. It’s absurd.”

Weinstein did not comment, which, I’m guessing, means Dahan is right, but let’s get back to the core issue: while I loves me some Nicky Kidman — especially after she fled Cruise Control — Kidman as Kelly? Oh, honey, no.

CeeLo Green — who, like Bea Arthur or a Bond villain, never met a caftan he didn't love — is in a bit’o’trouble now.

He was in court this week to face prosecution for ALLEGEDLY drugging and raping a young woman in 2012. Now, CeeLo apparently won’t be charged for the ALLEGED sexual assault, but could be tried for giving the woman ecstasy without her consent. If convicted, he could serve 4 years in prison for “furnishing a controlled substance” which is a felony.  The DA’s office cited insufficient evidence for the decision not to file a charge of rape of an intoxicated person.

Green’s attorney, Blair Berk, issued a statement saying she and Green were pleased with the DA’s conclusion “that the evidence did not support the false and unfounded claims made over a year ago. Mr. Green encouraged a full and complete investigation of those claims and he was confident once conducted he would be cleared of having any wrongful intent and it would be established that any relations were consensual.”

Still, there is ALLEGEDLY a tape recording of Green admitting to slipping ecstasy into the woman’s drink before taking her back home to have sex with her. Which, I dunno ‘bout you, sounds a wee bit like rape. 

And an upcoming “ripped from the headlines’ episode of Law & Order: SVU. Too bad Bea Arthur’s not with us; she has enough caftans and a deep enough voice that she could have played the role of ‘DeeLow Preen.’

I loathed Katharine McPhee on American Idol because she tried to act just so perfect. And I loathed her on Smash because she was trying to take Marilyn from Ivy and I was Team Ivy/Megan Hilty. But McPhee ALLEGEDLY took something else from Smash: a married director.

She just got “caught” by a paparazzo making out with Michael Norris — who is not her husband by the way and who has his own wife at home.  Morris is married to actress Mary McCormack [In Plain Sight] and McPhee married to producer Nick Cokas.

Sources — and it could be conniving Smash assistant Ellis Boyd … though he’s not a real person — says that while McPhee and Cokas have been separated a few months, at this point Norris and McCormack are still together.

Crazy for these two to go so public with their face-f**king and stuff when they both have spouses, and one has children, but, it’s Smash, which also may have broken up Debra Messing's marriage when she began schtupping a costar.

Calling all Oprahs! Calling all Oprahs! Tighten the leash on Lohan because she’s out of control again, and stirring up the drama; even though she’s ALLEGEDLY doing so sober.

The recently rehabbed wacktress has become a regular at NYC’s Sing Sing Karaoke, partying into the wee hours with drunken pals. Last Monday, Lohan arrived with a group of girlfriends and then started a verbal fight and refused to leave at closing, planting herself at the bar until almost 6 AM.

Hanging with a male model type — who may or may not be her new love interest — and some girls — one of who might be a new love interest, too — the group, though not Lohan, ordered and then downed, and ordered another, bottle of Jameson’s.

But the night went dark when another customer overheard Lohan get into a “disturbance” with a staffer, as she begged him to keep the bar open past closing; the customer said Lohan was acting “insanely belligerent.” And then, when asked to leave, Lohan called the cops, claiming staffers had locked her in the private karaoke room.

The NYPD showed up, but no one bothered to file a report. After Lohan and her posse left, the lounge staffers found their private karaoke room littered with trash and empty bottles.

But, Lohan, perhaps scared that a bar run-in of any sort might result in Oprah asking for the check back — O is bankrolling Lindsay’s reality docu-series on sobriety — returned to the club the next night and apologized. So, maybe it was her friends causing the ruckus, but one wonders why a recovering alcoholic needs to hang out in bars with drunken friends.

That’s just asking for trouble.

After Kanye West rented out a baseball stadium and an orchestra to beg Kim Kash Kow Kardastrophe for her hand in marriage — and filmed the whole shebang for an upcoming episode of their “reality” show — Big Kim was in San Francisco with her mom, Kris Jenner, who may have brokered the deal with Kanye; I mean, he put a baby in it, why not put a ring on it?

First, though, let’s dish the proposal, shall we? Was Kim surprised?  Hardly; the camera crew from her "reality" show was there to film it; Kris made sure the entire family, dressed for a Red Carpet event, was also present. And, AND, the Kash Kow actually picked out the 15-carat diamond engagement ring — it’s as big as her ass though it has no flaws — because she knew her baby daddy was going to propose. I think it was already written in a script for their “show.”

Kim even told him where to buy the ring, and rumor has it that Kris negotiated a special discount for the rock in exchange for lots of photo ops for the stone and a Very Special Kardastrophe Episode all about the ring. The ring could be worth at least $3 million, jewelry experts estimate, but according to the source, Kanye paid less than $500,000.

Budget. Though one wonders why Kanye, the epitome of style — remember he invented leather shorts — would let someone like Kim, who has no taste — Google her fashion sense and then come back — pick out the stone.

Oh yeah. Budget.