By Request: FUTURE SPORTZ

The fourth in a series of five posts based on topics suggested by our beloved readership...

Avid reader Carl W came up with the awesome idea of cataloguing a list of futuristic sportz as seen in in the moviez. It immediately occurred to me that there must be tons of examples.

Best yet, the objective of most of these fictional games is to KILL, KILL, KILL!

I came up with a couple, but it wasn't until I recently had the little exchange below, (in the comments section of a well-known movie website that shall remain nameless), that the fire of my wrath gave me true inspiration...

(the discussion is about the recent I Spit On Your Grave remake - a movie I couldn't give a fuck about - but it's the principal people, THE PRINCIPAL! I highlighted the bits I got really angry about)

IMPECCABLY DISCERNING CINEMATISTE (AKA uptight fucktard): The first film's existence already stirred up my rage long ago as an exploitative piece of crap, however if someone wants to argue that the original creators wanted to experiment with pushing extreme boundaries and evoking emotion, I might not disagree as much as I might still snort derisively.

We know our horror audience is divided into fans of sub-genres and among those are those fans of torture porn and pointless exploitation. This is not a film or social experiment; this is simply going to gain the director notoriety and future projects, and be lapped up by the type of fans who would yawn in boredom as a live spectator watching Christians thrown to the lions.

I'm already pretty appalled to have read an article header that called this movie's one-sheet "sexy"...

THIRSTY & MISERABLE (AKA Me, AKA Uncultured Gore Lovin' Cretin): Bored? Not at all! I'd love to see some Christians thrown to the lions! If they could toss in a few condescendingly arrogant knee jerk reactionaries too, that'd make for one hell of a night! However, to stave off the numbing ennui it WOULD be better if the victims were SEXY (see ISOYG poster)!

Fuck that pompous, uptight fucktard. Violence RULES; exploitation RULES; sex RULES; drug taking RULES; transgression RULES! And above all, try and remember asshole, IT'S ONLY A FUCKING MOVIE!

So, to the KILLIN' GAMES!



1. STAR WARS - Womp Rat shootin'
I think it's pretty safe to assume that as you never actually see one Womp Rat in the entire original trilogy; second trilogy (The Star Wars Holiday Special - Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure - Ewoks: The Battle for Endor); or the more recent "Action Figure Infomercial trilogy"; that the little sand dwellin' rats don't exist anywhere except in Luke's imagination. Luke ain't huntin' space rodent. He's havin' himself some fun with the other more sentient, but no less annoying local vermin... the Jawa. Easy targets, but you should see their fuckin' head's come apart! Also, not a future sport because it happened in the past.



2. ROMERO'S DEAD MOVIES - Zombie Shootin'
Starting with the final scene of Night of the Living Dead (where we see some over-enthusiastic bumpkins knock off the film's hero), Romero's Dead films repeatedly show us how the zombie apocalypse has created a social climate in which the redneck and his ilk seem to thrive. Legalised murder? Yer darn tootin'! Kill some dead faggots? Fuckin' A! In Dawn of the Dead we see a deputised army of hicks out for a day of fun, beer drinkin' and killin'; in Land of the Dead, a system of gambling on human vs zombie cage fights (though why anyone would want to kill Asia Argento is totally beyond me); and in Diary of the Dead - more drunken yokels blow a dead woman's head in half (after they've hung her from a tree branch by her hair). Get'er done!




3. DEATH RACE 2000
You'd better stay off the streets during the Transcontinental Road Race, or Frankenstein'll get ya. Doubly so for your dear old grandmother, because septuagenarians are a 100pt kill motherfucker.


4. STARSHIP TROOPERS - Fancy Future Football
Verhoeven's Starship Troopers rules. This futuristic sport was quite obviously part of Paul Verhoeven's brilliant plan to tear Heinlein's jingoistic, fascist little SF novel a new asshole. And it worked. He took the manly, patriotic sport of football and made it... GAY. Heinlein would have shat himself with rage. As far as it's suitability for this list of Kill Games? It may be a sissy sport, but it gave Johnny Rico the stamina and athleticism required to go to Klendathu & Tango Urilla and kill fuckin' bugs! Service guarantees citizenship. Would you like to know more?


5. ROLLERBALL
Houston vs New York. No penalties. No player substitutions. No time limit. James Caan must die!



6. PREDATOR - Galactic Game Hunting
In the same way that The Great White Hunter brags that what he does is "sporting" - killing with the aid of a long-range rifle mounted with a telescopic sight - the vulva-faced Predator hunts inferior species using an arsenal of high tech weaponry that all but guarantees it's dominance. Cloaking device, plasma bolts, laser net, smart disc. And if all else fails, he's got a wrist-mounted self-destruct nuke to finish the job. You're fucked.




7. CUBE - Human Rat Maze
A secret experiment conducted by the military-industrial complex - or a game played for the sadistic enjoyment of the Illuminati? Put the rats in the maze. Watch them desperately crawl their way through and laugh, LAUGH as they evade or get caught in your traps. Care to place bets?



8. HOSTEL PART I & II - Games For The Rich
The Hostel movies are based on fact right? Because you can't tell me that the jaded, super rich don't indulge in play like this. Bidding for ownership of a victim, travelling to an exotic location and... torturing them to death. All the big neocon politicians and corporate uber execs do this annually just to socialise and network. Takashi Miike and Rugero Deodato do it too, so you know it's fucking hip. No reason to get bogged down in issues of morality or conscience either, after all, they're just the little people. The collateral damage of their FUN.