Devil In The Metal

So it's been a while since I've put anything up here. I know I've been forsaking my Illcon responsibilities (Illcon-sibilities?) but I wanted to make sure whatever I came back with was solid. And nothing seemed to jump out at me. Yeah, there are some good metal albums and weird conspiracies out there, but I wanted something really cool.

I was at the thrift store a while ago and something presented itself to me. It's not the cool thing I was looking for at all, the opposite really. A book so shitty looking that I couldn't not buy it. I was struck at first by the title - “Devil In The Metal” - along with a pentagram (though not inverted as most Satanists would have it) and the ever-popular 666. It bills itself as a tale of “murder, insanity, and terror in the music business” which basically makes it sound like a fictionalized extrapolation of every scare-tactic talk show from the late 80s that set out to convince the good, upstanding people of middle America that Twisted Sister existed to reap their childrens' immortal souls.

So I was gonna take one for the team, read this thing, describe it. But I just can't. It just looks so shitty. And I have a consistently growing pile of great books I need to get around to that I don't have enough time for. But I don't think it matters. You don't need to really read this book at all. All that's necessary are a few quotes to know the general gist of the thing. I genuinely feel that a fairly fleshed-out impression of the book's overall plot can be gleaned from a handful of these lines.

-"'Joo guys are the rock group, right?' the short, cute Brazilian prostitute asked."

-"'I'M A SLUT KILLER FOR SATAN!' Monty yelled, his voice cracking."

-"Porn queen, Satan's slut, get on your knees and fuck. Suck and moan and show your cunt and let the jiz run down your butt."

-"'What's 'Bloody Hell' mean?' Bobby Shapiro asked, smiling. 'Is that the English version of 'Oh Fuck' or something?'"

-"'Who's Norman Mailer?' one of the record company executives asked.

'Guy who wrote All In The Family, I think,' Bobby Shapiro said."

-"It was the type of hood an executioner would wear, except that it had white lines on it. It took Gil only a second to realize that the white lines on the hood Monty was wearing formed an upside-down cross."

-"He walked over to the homeless man and, with his back to the street, pulled out his gun. He had screwed a silencer on it. This was his chance to get another soul to serve him in Hell."

-"Della was looking into the barrel of the pistol, helplessly knowing that at any second a bullet would spew from the gun and rip her open like a cantaloupe."

-"Greg, could you please fuck me? I'm so excited from watching you pee I think I'm going to explode."

And so on. And from my willfully ignorant standpoint, I maintain that those quotes are enough, that not even reading the entirety of the text would answer the lingering questions. Is this book designed as some sort of weird Christian propaganda? Even skimming it turned up far too much anal sex and too many golden showers to make that likely. And if that's not the point, then who is the intended audience? It's far too ignorant of metal and Satanism to appeal to many fans of either, and far too lurid for the more moralistic of readers. Were the clumsy metaphors just the product of a bad writer, or does the author actually rip open cantaloupes? Who is the author? His or her website features only a cover image of this book with no further information. It's a thoroughly confounding work, one I'm glad I purchased and perused but happier still that I didn't spend more than about twenty minutes skimming and summing up.

                              
                      (What I imagine the author thinks metal sounds like)


Also, if anybody wishes to read this modern masterpiece, I'll mail it to you for the cost of postage (and considering that there's one on Amazon for $131.65 right now, this may be the deal of a lifetime.)

NIKKI DAVIS PAYPAL DONATION INFO

Hey gang, just a quick note to let you know that a PayPal donation account has been set up to help out our friend Nikki Davis in her recovery process. Last I heard, Nikki is stabilizing, and communicating with her family via writing. This is excellent news, but the hospital bills are mounting, and, as Nikki is a full-time student (Jeff was their sole source of income), any help is welcome and appreciated. If you've got nothing to give, please just continue sending good vibes and psychic support.
Donation email is help_jeff_n_nikki_d@yahoo.​com.
If you do choose to send something, please make sure you mark it as a "gift" or PayPal takes a cut. Thanks.

BRACO THE GAZER

Are you feeling pain? Are you feeling lost? Are you feeling alone? Sad? Angry? Braco wants to help you.

All text from Braco America:

"Some call Braco a healer. Some call Braco a Conduit of Divine Energy. Some call Braco a Gazer, a Lightworker, a Miracle Master, or even a Vibrational Healing Artist who is somehow able to silently and instantly heal or peacefully massage the consciousness of tens of thousands around the world for years into feeling better or embracing more joy.
We just call Braco a beautiful man... With an extraordinary gift to share.



For more than sixteen years, people from all over Europe have been streaming to Zagreb, Croatia to experience an extraordinary phenomena via a simple act of gazing with a man by the name of Braco (pronounced Braht-zoh, meaning “Little Brother” in Croatian). While Braco doesn’t call himself a healer, hundreds of thousands around the world do.
The reported transformations and healings are often medically and even intellectually unexplainable, yet undeniably miraculous. Reams of documentation recount stories of countless souls remarkably and often spontaneously changed by standing before Braco’s silent gaze -- and not just physical healings, but emotional, spiritual, mental, and interpersonal healings, too.



The energy emanating through Braco’s gaze is so strong that many more experience remarkable transformation simply by being in a photograph that another one holds before Braco’s gaze in what we here in America call a Gazing Session. Just this year, despite dire diagnosis and the utter hopelessness of many people, we’ve documented story after story of radical often healing shifts somehow occurring via friends or family members who’ve simply held before Braco a picture or x-ray of a loved one in need. Some of these changes occurred instantly, while others took a little more time -- within a month or so of the gaze. Further, we have also heard of many cases whereby even keeping the image of those needing special attention in one’s mind, much like a prayer, when pictures have been unavailable, has produced equally phenomenal results.



Further, on the Big Island of Hawai’i in the late fall and early winter ’09, Braco, utilizing the Internet technology of Skype, gazed from Zagreb, Croatia with scads of smaller test groups in Kealakekua and more recently in Kamuela, and those participating have found the results no less profound. We are among the first to be awestruck witnessing this energy which Braco shares; energy seemingly not limited nor hindered in any way by physical distance or technology and now we can experience Braco’s gaze via Braco Live Streaming, taking his silent holistic gift to many around the world at once. Within these pages and in other Braco related sites, we invite you to read and discover cases of chronic pain and cancers vanishing, clarity and purpose being restored, and remarkable transformations bursting forth achieved not just by gazing with Braco in person, and Braco’s Skype or Braco’s live streaming sessions, but also by simply hearing a recording of Braco’s voice. We are honored to have been asked to be part of the growing potential of Braco’s work and look forward to announcing new avenues which Braco and his international teams are heartfully exploring to exponentially connect the energy to those who seek his assistance around the globe.



Braco hasn’t spoken in public for years, nor ever given an interview to the media. He doesn’t preach, nor has he a dogma or “how to gaze” rule book. He’s never accepted a single donation for this gift he believes only comes through him, not from him. Braco doesn’t wish to be worshipped as anyone’s master or guru, instead letting the silence within the sweet gaze offer whatever wisdom or shift needed to emerge for each and every being. Beyond this astonishing gift, often bringing spiritual, emotional, and corporeal transformations, Braco has a normal life in every other way -- He has a beautiful wife, a vibrant young son, and a dearly cherished circle of close friends and family. His only desire is to serve and will see those who need his assistance as long as they continue to come seeking his gift.



We here at Braco America are just a part of the larger global family of Braco working together to share the myriad of possibilities in transformation and healing through the energy Braco conveys. Together we whole-heartedly invite you to slip off your shoes, come inside this site, and see for yourself the phenomenon of Braco as he gazes America."

BRACO SOUNDS LIKE A FUCKING CREEP.

A HALLOWEEN TREAT

I'm not a "holiday" guy. Christmas and Thanksgiving are a fucking pain in the ass, as are most other faith-based "holiday celebrations" that the Hallmark Company has imposed upon us in the last century or so. I don't think my views are unique (or even rare), a lot of people get super bummed an/or pissed on holidays, as evidenced by spiking suicide rates around those times. I don't want to get up on a soapbox or anything here, but every day can be a "holiday" if you pull your head out of your ass and learn to enjoy life, rather than letting society dictate which "special days" should be enjoyed with family and friends, or which days the Christian faith designate as important enough to take off work. Fuck Christmas. Fuck Easter. Fuck Thanksgiving. Fuck fucking Columbus Day. I've said it before, and I'll most likely say it again.



That being said, I am a legitimate fan of HALLOWEEN, due to both its pagan origins and also the high weirdness it often inspires. I mean, any holiday the Fundamentalists decry as "Satanic" can't be that bad, right? LOOK AT THE ALTERNATIVES. But I'm preaching to the choir.

I don't actually have much to say today, but I did bring an awesome gift for all you basement-dwelling Halloween poo-poo-ers. I'm not even going to give you any hint as to what it is. Just go download THESE first so you'll have the proper soundtrack for a macabre Hallow's Eve wasted in front of a computer screen.

Beware, boys and ghouls. This rabbit hole goes DEEP:

HAPPY FUCKING HALLOWEEN, YOU FUCKING FREAKS.

That's Odd.

Google search: "illogical contraption", Friday, August 27, 2010

Google search: "illogical contraption", May 24, 2011

I like to think that IllCon has slightly wider appeal than little startups like "Google News" or "YouTube", but hey, whatever, right?

Weird.

SUCKERS

Embraced by the Unholy Powers of Death and Destruction

ATTENTION MAGGOTS:

Brother Jaime was kind enough to let me contribute a post as part of Inqusition Week over at our sister blog The Living Doorway. You bunch of nancy falsers should head over and check that shit out.

IC DISAPPROVES

You guys are really blowing it.

I'm not gonna reveal how many entries I've received so far for the THIRD ANNUAL ILLCON COLORING CONTEST, but I'll say one thing: it ain't very many. The ones I have received thus far are great, sure. REALLY great. But I can count them on (less than) one hand. Come on, fuckers. Let's flex that big, sexy Creativity Muscle, eh? Do you really need to watch that Jersey Shore rerun for a fourth time? We all know what happens: Sammy and Ronnie break up. Sammy and Ronnie get back together. Snookie acts like a whore. Episode over.
Turn off your TV. Bust out the crayons. MAKE SOME ART. You know what? I'm such a Bro, I ain't even gonna put it all on YOU. I'm willing to entertain the idea that it's MY fault you guys are being douchey, that maybe MY coloring designs weren't up to snuff this year. So I actually went out and created a half dozen MORE designs, and the process of doing which took no less than a full 24-hour day (maybe).

Here they are.

Shit's due on APRIL FOOL'S DAY. Allow me to repeat: THE WINNER WILL RECEIVE AN ACTUAL, PHYSICAL, AWESOME PRIZE.

THE THIRD ANNUAL ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION COLORING CONTEST

You guys better goddamn well know the routine by now: HERE ARE HALF A DOZEN PICTURES. COLOR ONE OR MORE. SEND THEM BACK TO ILLOGICALCONTRAPTION@YAHOO.COM.

We received one (1) entry in 2009's coloring contest. We received ten (10) entries in last year's competition. Hence, logic dictates that we should receive no less than one hundred (100) entries this year.

ALL FUCKING ENTRIES WILL BE PUBLISHED. The winner will get an EXTRA SUPER AWESOME PRIZE.

You have a week.

TEST PATTERN

Apologies to the faithful, but a slew of technical difficulties--paired with an imminent trip to internet-free mountain regions--forced me to abandon ICHQ, Mubarak-style, and put posting on hold until at least the beginning of next week. Get out and enjoy some sunlight, you pasty fuck.

Ouch.

Thanks, Manslaughter

R.I.P.

LESLIE WILLIAM NIELSEN

1926-2010

RIP BURNING DAN 1974-2010

Bummer.
"Burning Dan" Gordon-Levitt, penultimate Burner and brother of actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt, passed away Sunday from causes yet to be revealed. I recently slagged the guy pretty hard HERE (he was a Burner, after all), but it was all in good fun and now I feel like a dick. My condolences to the Gordon-Levitt family, Dan's death is truly a tragedy.
Bummer.

THE MOST IMPORTANT POST IN THE HISTORY OF ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION

Sorry for the lazy post, but I had to share this (make sure you watch the WHOLE THING):



(For Little Lucifer)

DIE FLITTERWOCHENERS?!?!?!

Ummmmmmm....okay, so.....in 1990 a man named Geoff Atkinson had an AMAZING and HILARIOUS idea for a sitcom. He took his idea to the satellite television channel Galaxy, which was part of British Satellite Broadcasting, who also thought it was an AMAZING and HILARIOUS idea and promptly commissioned a series. So far, so normal, right?

Geoff's AMAZING and HILARIOUS idea was a kind of radical spin on '50s US sitcoms like 'Leave It To Beaver', 'I Love Lucy' and, particularly, 'The Honeymooners'. The show left in the cheesy plots, light atmosphere and canned applause for character entrances, but substituted the standard lead couple for......aahh........Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun.


Yeah. you heard me. Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun.














Now, you would think THAT in itself would be AMAZING and HILARIOUS enough, right?

WRONG-O!! They live in an apartment in a US city, next door to........a couple of STEREOTYPICAL JEWS!!!











I mean........just............wow.

Really.

Who WRITES this stuff?!?! Uhh...well..GEOFF ATKINSON. THAT'S who!!

Now, what to CALL this magnificent octopus? Well, why not take the whole '50's US sitcom THANG and run with it? Yeeeeeah, THAT sounds good. How about we call it.....










Ohhhhh, we're REALLY on a roll NOW!!!


Now, let me ASSURE you, I am NOT making this up. It REALLY happened. Google it. I'll wait. Go on.......


'kay? Happy now? Right. So, as you might expect, the very IDEA of the show (that is to EVERYONE except Geoff, Galaxy and British Satellite Broadcasting) was considered to be in MONUMENTALLY bad taste.
Don't get me wrong, we Brits have a long history of Hitler-related comedy....from Dad's Army (Which chronicled the shenanigans of a platoon of Home Guardsmen)













....to 'Allo 'Allo (which chronicled the shenanigans of the occupants of France during ze German occupation).....












....lunatic comic GENIUS Spike Milligan had spent a fair amount of time making fun of Hitler, as revenge for dragging him into the war and ruining his mental health...












....and, of course, the Monty Python team had dressed up as Hitler and various cronies during the moments in which they weren't dressed as women and shrieking....




.....so, really, Hitler as a figure of fun was a well-established idea here. I mean, y'know, Psych 101 and all that - 'reducing a figure of power and evil to a figure of fun dis-empowers said figure' - BUT, the difference HERE was that Hitler was the LEAD character - thus meaning that we were supposed to 'like' or 'empathise' with him at some point, AND, the double whammy, the idea of his neighbours being Jewish essentially made light of the Holocaust and the struggle of Jews during WWII.
THEY were ALSO reduced to being figures of fun, and also, in a way, subordinate to Hitler, seeing as how they functioned as nothing more than third and fourth bananas to his character.

It goes without saying that the show was CANNED

immediately following the broadcast of the first episode, and was NEVER seen again. Somewhat strangely, Galaxy actually filmed several other episodes, aside from the pilot, which leads one to suspect that they honestly thought there wouldn't be a problem with the show. Cheeeeeeez, talk about an error in judgement.

Obviously, no more episodes were broadcast after the pilot was shown and pretty much universally condemned, and the entire show was relegated to the dustbin of history, only to be resurrected briefly on '50 Most Controversial TV Moments!!' clips shows........HOWEVER, through the MAGIC of Youtube, you can relive ze glory days of ze reich all over again, and bathe in the magic of the 'lost televisual gem' that WAS and IS 'Heil Honey, I'm Home!'





If after THAT you still want MORE, then you are a glutton for punishment, BUT I shall reward you by allowing you to download your very own copy of the pilot, rendered in low quality Scheisse-Vision!!


Now, if you didn't enjoy that, remember, VE HAFF VAYS OV MAKINK YOU ENJOY IT!!!

Earn cats with unwanted gold!!

HEY YOU!!

Do you have unwanted gold just lying around the place?
Do you need to get rid of some gold very quickly, no questions asked?

Would you like to turn THIS












into THIS?



















You WOULD?!? Errrr....I mean you WOULD?

Then simply click HERE and wait for your crib to be fillin' up with MAD pussy!!



















Thats right!! Don't delay, do it MEOW!!