A collection of jokes !

Johnny and the missing ears

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was
born without ears.

When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family
was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and
explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the
baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get
the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked
in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a
cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor
said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great," said Little Johnny, "'cuz he'd be
shit-outta-luck if he needed glasses.

******

LITTLE JOHNNY DIGS A HOLE

One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.

The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.

"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.

"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.

"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the
neighbor.

"That's because he's inside your cat!"

*******

ANGER MANAGEMENT

Husband to wife: When I get
mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the
toilet bowl.

Husband: How does
that help?

Wife: I use your
toothbrush.

********

Christmas shopping

It was nearly Christmas and Judge Judy was in a happy mood. She asked the
defendant, "What are you being prosecuted for?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping too early," replied the defendant.

"That's not a crime," replied Judge Judy.

"How early were you doing you Christmas shopping?"

"Before the store opened," replied the defendant!

********

From the church

A husband comes home from church; he greets his wife and lifts her up and
carries her around the house.

The wife is so surprised and asks "Did the pastor preach about being
romantic?"

The husband said, "No! He said we must carry our burdens and
sorrows!”

Kuttapa's Robot

KUTTAPPA'S ROBOT

One day Kuttappa's dad bought a robot.

The robot was special in that it could
detect a lie and would slap the
person who lied on the face.

Kuttappa returned late from school
that day and his dad asked him,
'Son why are you late from school'?

Kuttappa answered, 'Dad we had extra
classes today'.

Much to his astonishment the Robot
jumped up and slapped Kuttappa on his
face.

His dad told him son this robot is
special in that he can detect a lie
and will then slap the person who lied
now come on tell me the truth,

'Why are you late?'

'Dad I went for a movie',

'Which movie?'

'The Ten Commandments',

Splatt Kuttappa got a tight slap on
the face from the robot.

'No dad honest I went for the movie
Sex Queen.'

Shame on you son when I was your age I
never used to do such shameful things.

'Splatt, the dad gets a tight slap on
the face from the robot.

Hearing all this, Kuttappa's mother
comes walking out of the kitchen
saying, '

'After all he is your son', to which
the robot steps up and gives a
resounding slap on Kuttappa¢s mothers
face

Sardar Genie...brilliant

A drunkard jobless Indian stumbled onto
a lamp. He rubbed on it and a magical
genie Singh with a turban appeared and
said "I grant you two wishes, Macha.."

The Indian thought for a while and said
"OK, I want to be rich like a Chinaman!

Poof! When the smoke disappeared, the
Indian was smartly dressed, hair jelled
and combed back like Chow Yuen Fatt
complete with handphone in hand. As he
walked towards his brand new shiny
Mercedes, he noticed his own
reflection.

Not only was he smartly dressed, he was
also much fairer in complexion. The
shocked Indian angrily summoned the
genie and complained "Are you deaf or
what? I said I wanted to be rich like a
Chinaman, not become a Chinaman!"

I don't want to be a Chinaman because
they cheat, lie and con their way to
become rich..."

The genie reminded him that he's
entitled to one more wish "What do you
want then, Muthu?"
To which Muthu quickly replied "I just
want to be rich and I don't want to
work!"

Poof! He was transformed into a Bumiputra...

Revenge

Don't ever mess with a scorner woman. She will kick your ass.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of hardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a Few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steamed. Air Fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local retailers refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a Price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paper work. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......... including the curtain rods!!

The Indians in Malaysia

We present to you the characteristics that classify the THREE major Indian
groups that exist in Malaysia.

The REGULARs,
The HIP-HOPPERs &
The MACHAs

1) The REGULARs

Definition:
Comprises a mere 7-10% of the total population of Indians in Malaysia. Found
in well-developed parts of the cities spread throughout the peninsular. None
have been found in Sabah & Sarawak as yet, cause usually they'd shift to the
peninsular before they hit puberty.

Characteristics include:

1. Speaks English as their 1st language.
2. Do not know how to (or just don't) speak their mother tongue.
3. Prefer to identify themselves by sub-group rather than the plain
terms like malayalee, ceylonese, telugu, sikh, north indian etc.
4. Uses the internet more than the other 2 groups combined.
5. Swears off, criticizes and ridicule those who watch tamil/hindi
movies and/or dramas.
6. Instead, watches CNN, Travel & Living, MTV, Seinfeld and other
English sitcoms, and able to understand them with ease.
7. Thinks that the REGULAR group is way larger than it actually is and
constantly makes fun of the other groups, in particular the MACHA group.
(Why? Because it's fun!)
8. Aspires to be a doctor. Those who do medicine will eventually do so
at UK/Australia/Manipal, but will normally end up taking more than the
required 5 years to complete the degree due to excessive failure.
9. Despises Samy Vellu.

Recent studies have shown that there is a growing splinter group within the
REGULARs knows as the IPWIC (Indian People With Identity Crisis). This
growing sub-group is considered the elitist by some and is found to make the
occasional statements like "I wish I were in the UK " and/or "This never
happened when I was studying in Australia ". They often speak in
unidentifiable accents. The women/men of this group also prefer to date
white men/women from foreign countries with the excuse that local men/women
"just don't understand me". Many secretly desire to be taken away to live in
a Bollywood film with a happily-ever-after ending.



2) The HIP-HOPPERs
Definition:
The 2nd major group of Indians, the HIP-HOPPERS comprises about 20-30% of
the population of Indians. Normally living in urban areas of
cities, the HIP-HOPPERS, as their name suggests, can never be found where
they actually come from, but rather in clubs, bars, pubs etc. Many secretly
desire to be like the REGULARS but just don't make the cut. Try asking a
hip-hopper if he/she's a Regular, Hip-hopper or Macha. They'd say, "dei, I'm
a Regular!"

The characteristics of the HIP-HOPPERS are:

1. TRY to speak English as their 1st language.
2. Their actual 1st language is Tamil.
3. Openly desire to be blacks (waddap dawg?)
4. Usually tend to start they 'English' conversation with the word "DEI"
5. Hair not in original colour
6. Think Kamalhassan is better than Rajini
7. Have unknown hand movements and slangs that are supposedly cool that
supposedly go well together with their normal attire of FUBU jerseys and
baggy jeans (that are more often than not bought in Petaling Street/ChowKit)
8. Are famously known to shorten their names to suit their lifestyles
ie. Sam, for Muthusamy
Amber for Ambikadevy
Van for Thaeven
9. Large quantities (almost all) found in Jalan Telawi of Bangsar
(though, to be fair, many REGULAR groups are found here too, but the
clothing tells them apart, you wont miss it.)
10. Love Yogi-B/Nachatra more than ChakraSonic. (Note to Regulars: these
are top Malaysian tamil rap acts)
11. Parents want them to be doctors. Many end up studying medicine in
Russia/Ukraine because they refuse to go to India and cannot afford
UK/Australia. Those who go to India may eventually switch camps to the MACHA
group.
12. Despises Samy Vellu when they don't get MIED loan.

The HIP-HOPPERS major 'claim to fame' is driving out all the REGULARs
(Malay, Chinese & Indian) and the white expatriates from Bangsar by large
quantities, so much so that they can now call Bangsar "home"


3) MACHA's
Definition:
The last and largest group of Indians in the country comes from the MACHA
group. Probably the most famous group, it is so well known that most
Malaysians think ALL Indians are from the MACHA group. Comprising nearly 70%
of the Indian population in M'sia, the MACHAS can be found in urban parts of
the cities, and also in estates.
Their characteristics include:

1. Speaks Tamil as their 1st language
2. Usually think that Indians who cant speak Tamil should commit suicide
3. Sees Tamil Nadu/Madras ( India ) as the most happening on earth.
4. Astro at home is hardwired to Astro Vaanavil and Sun TV.
5. Worship Kollywood films. The men openly desire to be like Vijayakanth.
6. Think Vijaykanth is a better actor than Rajini.
7. A night-out will have to include a stop at any Indian shop in Brickfields.
8. The shopping haven will have to be Jalan Masjid India.
9. Know all the Tamil songs by heart and has never heard of Hitz.FM or Fly FM.
10. For men, outfit is never complete without a gold chain.
11. Women prefer to spend their life-savings on gold jewelry and gaudy sarees.
12. Half of them aspire to be doctors; the other half, their parents
want them to be doctors. The bright ones become the pride of all Indians in
the country when they enter UM for medicine, the less fortunate go to AIMST.
13. Most just drop-out of school and contribute to social-problem areas
in the country.
14. Prefer ChakraSonic over Yogi-B/Nachatra
15. Loves Samy Vellu.
16. Klang is currently their HQ, though they operate independently in Sentul,
Kajang and Sungai Petani.

They have been recent studies that Machas are best for work like being a bouncer, police and bodyguards. The rest are in jail.

Even if you don't study, have fun...

More of this here

Muthu scores !!

This is certainly not MUTHU. I just loved his expression...

Interviewer: what is your birth date?
Muthu: 13th October
Which year?
Muthu: .....EVERY YEAR


Manager asked to Muthu at an interview Can you spell a word that has more
than 100 letters in it?
Muthu replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.


After returning back from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife,Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No!Why?
Muthu: In London a lady asked me Are
you a foreigner?


One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Muthu: Any great man born in this
village???
Muthu: no sir, only small Babies!!!


Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi
So Muthu writes, "Gandi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi.


Muthu was doing experiment with cockroach, first he cut it's one leg and
told WALK. WALK. Cockroach walked.Then he cut it's second leg and
told the same. Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the
same. At last he cut it's fourth leg and ordered it walk! But cockroach
didn't walk. Suddenly Muthu said loudly, "I found it. If we cut cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.

On a political rally Muthu was arrested. Why??? A woman journalist
walking with a badge wrote "PRESS" and He did it..


When Muthu was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted
mirror. Muthu shouted, "You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I will
drive.


Muthu went in a hotel. To wash hands he went to the washbasin. There
he started washing the basin. Seeing this, the manager asked what was he
doing. Muthu pointed towards the board " WASH BASIN "


Interviewer: just imagine your in 3 rd floor, it caught fire and how
will you escape?
Muthu: its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!

Sardajis are the best.

A sardarji happened to participate in competition which was about writing the shortest story. The organizers had put a condition that a story must have four ingrediants Viz.

Religion, Sex, Suspense and Mystery.

Sardarji turn came after many attempts by others.Sardarji gave a story, which was just one sentence and read:

'Oh God, my wife is going to deliver a child'

Ostensibly amused, the organizers asked the sardarji whether it contained all the four ingredients!! Sardarji replied affirmatively and gave his explanation as below:

'Oh God: Religion
My Wife: Sex
Going to deliver a child : Suspense
(Whether girl or boy)

'Okey.... but where is the mistery?' asked one of the organizers.

The sardar replied : who is the father?

Sardarji was declared the winner for writing the short story

What goes around comes around...

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?" I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either