keep it in perspective...

My mom continues to recover nicely from her mastectomy. She is a real trooper and jokes about stuffing her bra. She is starting to miss all the attention (that she said was annoying)she was getting when she was going through the operation and initial recovery.

I tried to take her over to Asheville for a quick trip to the Southeastern Animal and Fiber Festival http://saffsite.org, but alas, a huge rock slide happened about 40 miles out of Asheville that closed down the interstate. We had to scrap our mission. At least I got her out for a trip of sorts. She is very allergic to boredom.

I am still looking for a freakin' job and can't believe I am not working. I got laid off in April! My severance package has ended and the money is gone. Thank goodness my "moonlighting" at the vet school is helping, but I need a real job soon. My motivation has melted into a puddle. You would think I would be all revved up to be Martha Stewart around here, but I just get lazier and lazier...kinda smacks of depression, though I am trying to fend off that dreaded beast. I'm struggling to keep my confidence at a healthy level.

To my credit, I have not smoked a single cigarette since October 6 (I think that's the date...)--a week before my mom's surgery. I still want one and get pretty antsy when I see my husband sneak out with a cigar, but I don't want to have to go through the "quitter's flu" again. I really felt awful for several days.

Poor little Grayson's ashes are finally here at home with us. I miss him and dreamed of him last night. He was so pretty and so sweet. The folks who did the cremation didn't have an urn available with an integrated picture frame, so I took a plain one and will have to figure out how to do that myself.

So, that's where I am at: still unemployed, but thankful my mom is coming along nicely. I could comment on a lot of current events right now, but I think there will be enough of that going on elsewhere. I must remember to have perspective and to remember we have all the time we have.

Whew...

My mom's surgery went great. She's the definition of "trooper." I am now "attempting" to sleep in a vinyl recliner that extends into a "bed" in her room. It's not all that bad but I am still wide awake as per usual. I am turning into a vampire.

It has been one heck of a stressful day starting at 6 this morning. Her pain is managed fairly well, but my God, what an incision. She is going to wish she could rent that pain pump at discharge. I am actually very thankful to be unemployed right now, because she is going to need some help for a while. Recovery is not going to be fun. She will have one drain removed after about three days and the other will stay in from 2 to 3 weeks. Pretty yucky.
Well, I guess I will get back to thrashing about in this "bed" and stare at the ceiling for a while. Before you know it, it'll be morning and I'll want to scoot over to my mom's house to get a shower before coming back.
I am just so VERY thankful today. Lots of friends and family have provided wonderful support.

Tomorrow is the day...

If you're the praying sort, please send good energy, prayers, or whatever you do to make good things (hopefully) happen. Mom's mastectomy for breast cancer is tomorrow...it's a pretty long surgery (3 hours). I am super nervous and she is nervous, too. Trying to NOT act nervous though. I don't want to make it any worse for her. I'll be heading over to her house tonight and spending several days with her to help her while she's in the hospital and at home afterward. I'll try to update via BBerry if I can. She's strong and healthy otherwise, so we don't expect complications, but my really long streak of bad luck has made me more nervous than usual. It's actually a blessing to be unemployed right now so I can take care of her. Now if *I* could just CALM DOWN!! ARGH.

sunshine!

I can't believe the sun is peeking through today...at least here and there. Gosh, any light at all at this point is a Godsend.

I'm doing a pet loss support group tonight which is kind of difficult for me right now after losing my kitty Grayson, but these groups help people so much. Our culture doesn't do a very good job of honoring companion animal grief and people really suffer when they can't get support from others. Loss is loss in my opinion. If you've loved an animal like a family member, that loss is commensurate to the attachment. Additionally, that loss reconnects people with other losses in their lives. Unresolved grief issues can pop up.

Mom's MRI went well...she had to be perfectly still for 45 minutes, which is like asking my mother to do a tightrope act between two speeding 747s, but she did it. We should know some more by tomorrow. She is nervous about getting bad news (that the cancer has spread outside of the known area). One day at a time. I am not good at waiting and she isn't either. Genetics, I guess. Overall, she is nervous but still has a good attitude. Me, I've gained 3 pounds. I'm not sure what that's about!

One day at a time. :-)

heart and mind tired...

Whew...tired tonight. My body is dragging because my mind and soul are exhausted from worry. Mom spent a great day with loving friends, so that is comforting and wonderful.

I lost another job to a candidate with more experience, though I was in the top running. This time I am not upset, but relieved. I think right now my mom needs me and I am grateful for time to take care of her with surgery on the horizon.

I worked at the vet school today but the afternoon was quiet, which was probably good given my confused state of mind. The sun came out for a while this afternoon, but rain set in again later on...at least we got a little sunshine to boost the spirits. That always helps.

what are the odds on this one?

I really would like to know the odds on receiving a pitch letter from a funeral home on the very day you are told you have breast cancer?

Thankfully, my mother was able to laugh about it and shake her head. Today, she is a bit more gloomy, as is the weather. The news is starting to sink in and I can hear the fear in her voice. I hope and pray this cancer has not spread. It's hard to wait even one day to continue the treatment plan. MRI on Monday; discussion of type of surgery on Wednesday. I wish we could get it all done today and know what we're dealing with. And I wish the sun would come out. My mother's gas tank has always been run on sunshine.

The "C" word...

I went with my mother today to get her results of her breast biopsy, and unfortunately it was cancerous. I knew it was not good news when the manager of the breast center ushered us back to a room with couches and "comfortable amenities." \

The first sentence out of the doctor's mouth was that "it was cancer..." Thankfully, I was able to take some notes and keep things straight, because after the "c" word, I think my mother zoned out. It was a real shock.

We immediately saw a surgeon and had bloodwork done. It was a really, really hard day. I had a gray feeling when I headed over to her home to take her to breast center this morning. I felt the constant stream of bad luck was not over.

Monday will be an MRI and then Wednesday we'll talk to the surgeon again. I can only hope it is in early stages and that a mastectomy can take care of the cancer. This is scary. I am really close to my mom and I'll be frank...I'm scared to death.

Let's hope her diligence has paid off. The mammogram did NOT show this as a mass to be investigated because it was lobular and not ductal cancer. Lobular breast cancer DOES NOT always show up on mammograms! So, after her mammogram, which was CLEAR, she reported to her doctor she had a "tender place" and her doctor fortunately did a sonogram which resulted in the immediate recommendation of a core biopsy. Thank God for that. Otherwise, it could have been another year before another mammo was done and by the time it did pick it up, it could have been much worse. My mom is a strong lady and keeping her chin up. I hope and pray for the best.