ANGER - Controlling Anger Before It Controls You

Introduction

We all know what anger is, and we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage.

Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. This brochure is meant to help you understand and control anger.

What is Anger?

The Nature of Anger

Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.

Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.

Expressing Anger

The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.

On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.

People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.

Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.

Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.

Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.

As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone—or something—is going to get hurt."

Anger Management

The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.

Are You Too Angry?

There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.

Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others?

According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.

People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.

What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.

Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.

Is It Good To "Let it All Hang Out?"

Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that "letting it rip" with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you're angry with) resolve the situation.

It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.

Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay

Relaxation

Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.

Some simple steps you can try:

• Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."
• Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.
• Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.
• Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.

Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.

Cognitive Restructuring

Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."

Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.

Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).

Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.

Problem Solving

Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.

Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.

Better Communication

Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.

Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.

It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger—or a partner's—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.

Using Humor

"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation.

The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!

When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.

What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.

Changing Your Environment

Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap.

Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.

Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself

Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.

Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.

Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.

Do You Need Counseling?

If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.

When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger management. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to "put you in touch with your feelings and express them"—that may be precisely what your problem is. With counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on the circumstances and the techniques used.

What About Assertiveness Training?

It's true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at people who don't feel enough anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn't something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations.

Remember, you can't eliminate anger—and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run. 

Source: http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx

PATHWAY TO HAPPINESS - Causes of Anger

What causes Anger?  What makes a person angry?
What makes a person angry? Why do we get angry over the smallest things and blow up out of proportion with what is happening? Why do we get angry at the people we love and care about? Anger can appear to be irrational but if you learn to look below the surface you will find the real causes of anger. When you find the real causes you can successfully overcome your anger.

Hidden Causes of Anger on a Family Vacation

Jack is upper middle class, educated, and came from a good home. He loves and respects his wife Emily and adores his kids. There’s no apparent reason for Jack to have angry outbursts but he does.

Jack was driving his wife and two kids to the beach town for a planned family vacation. Then in an effort to tidy up the car his wife Emily grabbed some trash from the center console to put in a bag. Before he could realize why, Jack snapped at her with anger in his voice, “Just leave that alone.” There was such venom in his voice that Emily pulled away and sat quietly in her seat not moving. The boys in the back seat went silent as well.

Jack was surprised at his own outburst and proceeded to judge himself for acting irrationally. From the self judgment he felt small, stupid, and guilty. This is not how a well educated, successful, family man is supposed to behave. Wanting the whole incident, and how he felt about it, to just go away, he attempted to ignore it. In trying to bury it he didn’t apologize to Emily. The inner judge in his mind remembered though, and kept judging himself for his uncontrolled anger.

This wasn’t the first time that Jack got angry like this. This is just part of a pattern. Jack has snapped at his wife with anger for years often without even a preceding thought as to why. It happens so fast that there is nothing preceding his emotional reaction to tell him why he was angry. It’s confused him why this happens because he really loves and appreciates her.

Without knowing the cause of his anger Jack had no idea how to change it. Mostly he has tried to push it aside. That has worked for a while but somewhere down the road another outburst would happen. His failure at controlling his anger has been cause for feeling like a failure. That all changed as Jack developed self awareness.

Awareness allows you to see what causes Anger

Jack took some time to practice some exercises and develop awareness about his anger. He found some interesting things that he hadn’t seen before. He found the cause of his anger.

First of all Jack loves his wife and has a tremendous amount of respect for her. He is amazed at how efficient she is. She takes care of the house, home schooling the kids, meals, and keeps everything so neat and clean. Oddly enough these elements are part of the interpretations and beliefs in his mind that trigger anger.

There is an inner judge in Jack’s mind that compares him to Emily. According to the inner judge Jack makes more messes than he cleans up, isn’t organized, and not nearly as patient and attentive to their children. When Jack’s inner judge makes those comparisons Jack ends up feeling unworthy, and “not good enough.” Jack’s inner judge makes those comparisons and self judgments all the time. Those feelings of unworthiness are painful wounds that fester in Jacks’ emotional mind. As much as he attempts to push them away their pressure and energy build over time under the surface.

A natural reaction to pain or being hurt is anger. It’s part of the instinctive animal nature of any being. When we perceive a danger of being hurt, the fight mechanism of anger helps to ensure our protection. The misleading element is when our mind perceives the cause incorrectly.

In Jack’s perception he feels hurt when he is around his wife. When she is busy taking care of the household and keeping things neat and clean is when Jack most often makes comparisons in his mind. That’s when he feels the emotional pain. The assumption in Jack’s belief system has associated pain being caused by Emily. He is not aware that the real cause of his emotional pain is from self judgment based on his comparisons to Emily. It is Jack’s belief in his self image as a failure when compared to her that is hurting him self emotionally.

Jacks’ belief system has associated feeling hurt with the trigger of his wife Emily. For protection Jack’s mind pushes Emily away with anger in order to stop his pain. It was obvious to Jack that Emily wasn’t the cause of his anger, and that was very confusing until he became aware of these other layers.

However a person’s belief system doesn’t necessarily operate on rationality. It operates based on beliefs and assumptions. We often aren’t aware of how our beliefs operate and how they create our emotions so they may seem hidden. These beliefs aren’t really hidden. It’s just that we haven’t gone looking at them before. Too often we accept our first thoughts about things or the surface level assumption without reflecting deeper.

For Jack it was the unconscious comparisons and self judgments driven by these hidden beliefs that caused his angry outbursts. Not being able to see these beliefs had nothing to do with being stupid. Jack is plenty intelligent and has advanced degrees to back it up. The causes of anger are often difficult to see only because we haven’t developed our awareness of what to look for or how the belief system in the mind operates.

Jack didn’t know that self judgments were part of what was creating his emotional pain. He also didn’t know how he was using his beliefs about his wife as a basis for comparison for those self judgments. He wasn’t aware that emotional pain can be a cause of anger. He also wasn’t’ ware how emotions can build up over time until our efforts to keep them repressed slip and produce an outburst over the smallest triggering event.

Jack wasn’t aware of what was making him angry all those years because he didn’t have awareness of what was going on in his belief system in his mind. He wasn’t aware of how several different beliefs and thoughts combined together to produce the emotion of anger.

Changing the Causes of Anger

The appearance of things was that his wife was somehow triggering her anger. In a way she was. But she wasn’t the cause. Emily was just triggering the beliefs of self judgment that were already in place. Those beliefs and self judgments would still be there whether Emily was in the picture or not. There’s a distinct difference between triggers and causes of anger. When you don’t have awareness of the underlying beliefs you can make the mistake of focusing on the trigger and missing the cause.

It was a great relief for Jack to discover what the real cause of his anger was. Before he could only see the triggers and they didn’t make sense. They were always out of proportion with how much anger he felt. He had tried for years to just repress his emotions with will power and now he could see why that didn’t work. Over time more pressure of emotions would just build up until it eventually had to get vented.

Once Jack became aware of the self judgment and self rejection from the inner judge he directed his efforts at dissolving them. By eliminating the self judgments Jack no longer has those painful feelings of unworthiness and not being good enough. Without those painful feelings there is no anger from the fight or flight mechanism in his mind.

The result is that there’s no anger to control or manage because there is none.

Not every person creates anger in the same way. Each person has different beliefs and interpretations in their mind that produce emotions in their own individual way. However, they often have similar patterns. Only through awareness will you be able to see your own individual pattern and change them.

When you gain the awareness of how the different elements of your mind operate, and apply some effective tools and techniques for change, you can eliminate the cause of your anger and unhappiness.  For exercises and practices to find the cause of your emtions and change the underlying beliefs listen to the Self Mastery Audio Sessions.  The first couple are free.  Or you can work with Gary personally through individual coaching sessions.

Source: http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/anger/cause-anger.htm

PEOPLE - Why do people get angry?

Fact Sheet |

15 people have found this helpful

Is someone angry at you? Understand common reasons that people get mad and get tips for confronting it, including what to do if things get serious.

This can help with…

• working through conflict with a friend
• understanding why a person may get angry
• getting tips for dealing with someone else’s anger

Why someone might be acting angrily towards you

When people are angry, it’s usually a reaction to other emotions such as feeling:

• hurt
• jealous
• worried 
• rejected
• embarrassed.

If someone you know is acting like they’re pissed off at you, they want you to know something is not right for them. Their anger could be a result of something you’ve done or said, or it could be that they are angry about something else and for some reason are taking it out on you. It’s not really fair for them to take their frustration over something else out on you. But at the very least, it should alert you that something is going on to make them unhappy.

Things you can do to handle someone else’s anger

Conflict needs to be handled carefully – for both your own sake and theirs. Your first step should be to try and find out what it is that is making the person feel angry:

• don’t ignore the person
• be open to listening to what they have to say
• keep your voice calm 
• make an effort to talk things through.

That doesn’t mean you have to agree with the content of what they are saying. If you have issues with it, make sure you acknowledge their distress, but don’t feel like you have to back down if you disagree. If you want more help on how to navigate this, learn how to communicate assertively.

You could find that the person just wants to talk. It may be enough to help them through their anger. If this is the case, try to avoid pushing advice or opinions on to them. Work out whether they just need an ear, or if it’s appropriate to take on a bigger role. Give them space if they need it.

It’s also important to look after yourself when someone is angry with you. Conflict isn’t always straightforward, and it can have a big impact on how you are feeling. Some things you can do to help yourself through the situations of conflict include:

• learning to relax
• developing strategies to cope with your own anger, e.g. walking away if you are feeling angry yourself
• developing some problem solving strategies
• talking to others outside the situation that you trust to get perspective.

If things are getting serious…

If someone is really angry at you, it might not always be in your control to resolve it. If you think this might be the case, you may want to check out more information on growing out of relationships. Sometimes people express their anger by getting violent or abusive. If this is the case, and you think your safety may be at risk, remove yourself from the situation and get help. It’s never okay for someone to be violent or abusive towards you.

Source: http://au.reachout.com/why-do-people-get-angry

WOMEN - Anger issues in women

Anger issues in women are becoming increasingly common. 

Here's how to manage your anger.

 

When men get angry nobody bats an eyelid, but when a woman's temper gets the better of her, it becomes headline news. The spate of recent reports on schoolyard violence among girls has dominated current affairs programs over the past few months, yet when boys fight in the playground, it's somehow deemed normal.

Violence in women is becoming more prevalent than ever; the amount of women prosecuted for domestic violence has risen by 11 per cent in the past 10 years. The number of women arrested for violent crimes is 40 per cent higher than in 2005 and female road rage is more common than ever.

So why have women started to get angry? It may be as simple as the fact that females have increasing amounts of pressure and responsibility piled on them today.

Are we doing too much?

"Many women today are overextended," explains Melbourne-based anger management expert Meghann Birks. "Women are under a lot of pressure to do it all - work full-time, look after the family and still look good. When we're so busy, it doesn't allow time to be still and check in with yourself, which can be a big cause of pent-up anger and frustration." Many women try and hold in their anger, which in the long term can only make things worse, Birks says. "It's not seen as feminine to get angry. It's much more acceptable for men to lose their temper."

But holding your frustrations in can mean your anger builds up and is let out at inappropriate moments, Birks warns. "Many people get angry over small things, such as someone cutting in on them on the road. Although it may appear that this is what has triggered an angry outburst, it's likely they're actually upset about something that has happened previously which they haven't been able to express."

Some experts believe seeing violence on TV could also be contributing to the problem. On US TV, violence against women has increased by 120 per cent in the past five years. "Seeing violence and anger around us all the time sends the message that it's a normal way of expressing yourself," Birks says. "But there are much more effective ways to communicate that you're upset, like talking rationally about your feelings." It's also important to realise that even if you aren't outwardly shouting and screaming, you could still be experiencing anger.

Expressing anger

"Depression is sometimes described as 'anger turned inwards'," Birks says. "When women don't know how to deal with their emotions, they may internalise their anger. Keeping all these feelings inside can lead to depression." Not only does anger suppress your immune system, it can also destroy relationships. "People end up tiptoeing around you because they become nervous about when you're going to fly off the handle," Birks says.

Taking your anger out on children can be particularly detrimental. "Children don't understand it's not them who made you angry. All they see is someone shouting at them. They can absorb those emotions and start to think that's the correct way to react if someone is upset."Of course, sometimes it's perfectly acceptable to be angry, says Dr Vesna Grubacevic, a clinical hypnotherapist who specialises in anger issues.

"There are some situations where you are perfectly within your rights to feel angry," she says. "If someone has deliberately hurt or betrayed you, then of course you're allowed to feel angry and upset." The important thing is to differentiate between unresolved and resolved anger. Resolved anger means reacting proportionately in an appropriate way to a situation. Unresolved anger, such as road rage, is when you fly off the handle at a situation that doesn't warrant it. If you're constantly showing signs of unresolved anger, you need to think seriously about whether your temper is getting out of control. "If people appear shocked by how you're acting, chances are you've got an issue you need to deal with," Dr Grubacevic advises.

Getting Help

Talking to an anger management expert can help you deal with anger issues, but there are plenty of other things you can do to improve the situation. "The way you treat your body affects your anger levels," Birks explains. "Eating lots of additives and sugar can make you agitated and angry. Not exercising enough can also be a factor."

Then you need to take an honest look at your life and think about your priorities. "You don't have to do everything that's thrown at you," Birks says. "Saying 'no' allows you to take control of the situation. Many people say they're angry because they feel they have no control over their lives. Take that control back and you'll feel calmer."

When you feel yourself getting angry, take a physical step backwards before reacting, Birks suggests. "Then take a deep breath and count to 10," she says. "It sounds cliched, but it really does reduce the heat from the situation and allows you to think before you act."

Finally, it's important to realise that anger is often futile, Birks says. "If someone cuts in on you in the car and you spend the next hour feeling angry about it, the only person you're damaging is yourself," she says. "Think of anger as throwing a hot coal at someone; you'll blister your own fingers, but the person you throw the rock at will probably walk away unscathed."

How to stay calm

Use this meditation technique to reduce short-term anger, advises Dr Vesna Grubacevic.

• Pick a spot in front of you above eye level, such as the top of your computer screen.
• Focus intently on that spot, keeping your head still. Then, without moving your head, start to notice everything in your peripheral vision, such as furniture and people.
• Focus on that spot for two minutes. You'll start to feel calmer and more connected with everyone around you.

Source: http://www.bodyandsoul.com.au/

MEN - How men can beat anger

Anger can be a sign of underlying issues we look at 

how men can beat their anger issues.

 

We've all enjoyed watching Tony Soprano shoot a rival gangster, but do TV shows such as The Sopranos and Underbelly and violent console games send the message to men that a violent expression of rage is okay? Dr Kara-Jane Lombard, author of a Curtin University study on new media and youth extremism, points out it is futile to deny that what we see and hear in the media affects us, since the entire advertising industry is based on this premise.

Lombard's research suggests that men with angry or violent dispositions are likely to seek out TV shows or games that strengthen these tendencies, while when women feel angry, they are more likely to choose entertainment that prevents aggression, such as comedies or feel-good movies or TV shows."It's widely recognised that the active nature of media such as games and the internet have many features that facilitate aggression or violence - active involvement, identification with violent characters and the reinforcement of violent acts," Lombard says.

Fight or flight

Of course, not every bloke who watches the odd bit of gangster drama is violent by nature. Men might not be incited to violence by the vicious ways anger is dealt with on screen, but it can affect how they deal with anger in other ways. "Some men see these scenes and think, 'I better not get angry in case I blow my top like that',"psychologist Dr Elizabeth Celi says.

"People make out that anger is such a negative thing, but it's a normal human emotion - it's what we do with it that counts." The problem for men is that often they've never been shown how to express their feelings and emotions. David Nugent, who runs Heavy METAL, a Victorian counselling service that helps men control anger, says: "Men get stuck in a habit of either turning to fight or flight - one is very aggressive, the other is extremely passive. You have to find a middle ground."

The upside of anger

In the absence of any positive examples of coping with anger, men can be more prone to the influence of what they see on TV- but usually, when a male character gets angry, something gets broken or someone gets hurt. Between rage and a state of suppressed fury, there is a productive expression of anger that Dr Celi says can be a "gateway" to deeper feelings. "Expressing anger opens a door to talking about frustration, hurt, sadness and disappointment, then processing these underlying emotions in a healthy way."

Dr Celi says healthy anger requires you to be in control of yourself and emotionally aware so that you can express your needs without hurting others. When anger hits, men should stop, take five deep breaths and acknowledge that the anger is there, rather than trying to suppress it - going silent and bottling up your feelings usually doesn't help in the long run.

"Ask yourself what the feeling is specifically related to so that you can develop a productive response. That could involve verbalising something in an assertive manner or walking away from a situation; it could mean discussing what got you upset or rectifying a wrong, such as a misjudgment or a misinterpretation of something that you said or did."

Actions vs words

Frustrations can surface between a man and a woman when dealing with a challenging issue. Dr Celi points out that while men tend to want to express themselves physically, by doing something or fixing a problem, women often want to express themselves emotionally."But all that talking can make men feel like they're caught in a verbal loop, which makes them even more agitated - often they'd be better off going for a walk until they feel better and then talking about the problem," Dr Celi says.

Just as men prefer actions to words, your average guy doesn't want to watch drug lords and crooked cops calmly talking through their differences. But will watching violent shows or playing violent games make men more violent? Dr Lombard says innate aggression or a history of family violence are much more likely to produce a man who is violent when angry than exposure to violent TV shows, films and console games, but her concern is that such media portrays and encourages a behaviour where violence through anger is seen as the norm.

The key, Dr Celi says, is that men need to acknowledge that the world of organised crime and controller-operated carjackers doesn't show the full range of ways to deal with anger. "Everything's shown as black or white - you're either not angry or you're aggressive and violent, but there's a whole spectrum in the middle where men can express anger in a way that contributes to reducing mental health problems."

Source: http://man.bodyandsoul.com.au/