i met my first love when i was in elementary school.
we were not friends.
i became friends with him in middle school. i don't remember what happened, but i'd had a very rough day and he bought me lunch.
we developed some sort of relationship in high school, sometime during junior year. it wore off, as young relationships do.
still we remained friends.
senior year we started dating each other. he was so sweet and nice to me. i always felt comfortable with him. he made me feel special. we spent many lunch hours together, laughing. i could always talk to him. we shared many secrets. we even shared a birthday.
the summer after we graduated, we spent as much time together as we could. i was moving for school and he was staying home but it truly seemed like the end of the world when i would think about leaving. he had very little to say about me moving away to school. after all, what could he say? i was 17 and he was 18 and we had our whole lives ahead of us. not time for any sort of commitment.
the night before i was supposed to move, we were together. we sat on my drive way for as long as we could. neither of us really wanting the night to end, because it felt like the end of something. he whispered, "i don't want you to go" and then kissed me. a first kiss for both of us. i quickly went into my house and spent a restless night trying to sleep, dreading my move in the morning.
as time passed, we talked frequently. at least once a day if not more. he brought me flowers on our birthday. i spent as much time with him as i could when i would go home to visit.
somewhere along all this time i'd fallen in love with that boy.
the day our relationship ended is one i only remember as full of tears. i cried because i knew it was time for our story to end. i didn't want it to, i only knew that it was time. as i made the call to him, i hoped that i could go through with it. when he answered, i knew something was wrong. he told me he had something to say. i let him break up with me. it was just easier that way.
my first heartbreak came my freshman year of college.
it was november. and cloudy out. my cousin sat by me on the porch of our apartment as i said good bye to my first love.
one day, quite a few months later as i was driving, i looked at the mountains, freshly covered in snow, and realized that my heart had stopped aching. i had finally let my first love go.
Showing posts with label musing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label musing. Show all posts
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Thursday, August 5, 2010
just keepin on...
i think i keep doing the same things.
i keep doing laundry
and cleaning.
and cooking
and dishes
and working out.
and going to work
and hating my job daily.
its getting old.
so i have a job interview on tuesday
i get husband to do laundry
and dishes
i pretend like cleaning is a FUN GAME (it doesn't work most the time)
i work out not because i'm trying to gain a model figure... nay. i do it so i sleep better at night. (it works.) (and the model figure... well just give me till next february and i will KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF!!!) (if the creeps at the gym don't flirt with me... that just makes me leave early.)
i just have to remind myself that the good does out-weigh the bad. almost everyday there are more things i can be happy about than grumpy.
i suppose i'm learning.
i keep doing laundry
and cleaning.
and cooking
and dishes
and working out.
and going to work
and hating my job daily.
its getting old.
so i have a job interview on tuesday
i get husband to do laundry
and dishes
i pretend like cleaning is a FUN GAME (it doesn't work most the time)
i work out not because i'm trying to gain a model figure... nay. i do it so i sleep better at night. (it works.) (and the model figure... well just give me till next february and i will KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF!!!) (if the creeps at the gym don't flirt with me... that just makes me leave early.)
i just have to remind myself that the good does out-weigh the bad. almost everyday there are more things i can be happy about than grumpy.
i suppose i'm learning.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
inspired
husband and i just watched the movie invictus. the one about rugby playing in south africa? well i just have to say that i am slightly fascinated with apartheid and south africa and the like and this movie was fantastic. i don't know much about nelson mandela but in my book, he was one cool dude. in the movie they had lots of great quotes from him and one of them i really really liked. he said "forgiveness liberates the soul. it removes fear. that is why it is such a powerful weapon." this coming from a man who had been imprisoned for nearly 30 years. speaking about forgiving the people that caused him so much grief and pain. what strength he must have had to look at his nation and see not two separate people but one.it amazes me. the amount of suffering the black people of south africa endured is staggering.
i took a class last year and the teacher spent most of his professional research on the events that took place in south africa, the literature, the memorials and the events themselves. he had us read a large amount of poetry written about The Truth and Reconciliation Commission that took place in south africa. if you don't know much about it basically what it was, was a way for those guilty of crimes committed during apartheid to confess what they had done in full and in return they would receive a pardon. more or less. some of the things that were said were quite shocking. appalling. disgusting. heartbreaking. and many of the victims really just wanted to know why. one of the poems we read really hit me hard. here it is.
i took a class last year and the teacher spent most of his professional research on the events that took place in south africa, the literature, the memorials and the events themselves. he had us read a large amount of poetry written about The Truth and Reconciliation Commission that took place in south africa. if you don't know much about it basically what it was, was a way for those guilty of crimes committed during apartheid to confess what they had done in full and in return they would receive a pardon. more or less. some of the things that were said were quite shocking. appalling. disgusting. heartbreaking. and many of the victims really just wanted to know why. one of the poems we read really hit me hard. here it is.
The Archbishop Chairs the First Session
The Truth and Reconciliation Commission.
April 1996. East London, South Africa
On the first day
after a few hours of testimony
the Archbishop wept.
He put his grey head
on the long table
of papers and protocols
and he wept.
The national
and international cameramen
filmed his weeping,
his misted glasses,
his sobbing shoulder,
the call for a recess.
It doesn't matter what you thought
of the Archbishop before or after,
of the settlement, the commission,
or what the anthropologists flying in
from less studied crimes and sorrows
said about the discourse,
or how many doctorates,
books, and sinstallations followed,
or even if you think the poem
simplifies, lionizes
romanticizes, mystifies.
There was a long table, starched purple vestment
and after a few hours of testimony,
the Archbishop, chair of the commission,
laid down his head, and wept.
That's how it began.
- Ingrid de Kok
i want to have the strength required to forgive. i don't think i'll ever be faced with a situation that can even remotely compare to the one that thousands of people faced in south africa. but if i were, i would hope i would have the courage and strength required to forgive.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
building blocks
you know the moment when it seems that all those little pieces start fitting together? like building blocks? like you plan where you want it to go and then unexpectedly something you think might be bad happens but then when you really look at it and figure out how that thing is going to fit in you realize that it really will work and then you can keep on building? well my life has been a little like that lately. so husband and i bought a car. not just any car, a pretty car. a nissan maxima car. its a 2005 and its b-e-a-utiful!!! i love it. that was definitely an unexpected building block... inspired by yet another unexpected one... but things are good. and the unexpected things? well i think they just give our fort a little character. thats all. oh and don't worry... i haven't forgotten to tell you my secret... i'm just waiting for the right time :)
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
"I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires of you heart"
And satisfy they did!!!!
Oh my goodness. I don't think that I could ask for a more fun/spontaneous/heart pounding/stressful/terrifying/memorable night if i had tried.
serious.
so here is how the day went.
i woke up with husband early in the am and took him to his 7:30 class and then i came home and did productive things like make the bed and do some laundry. you know, the usual. then at 12:20 when he got out of class i drove back over to campus and picked him up and off we went. we drove out to sandy where we did, oh so exciting things, like get the safety inspection done on my car (it passed) and then we went over to my families house. we hung out, laughed, chatted and then we decided that we wanted to get some food and so at about 5 we left to go get food and bonnie was going to go pick up her friend and then we would head out. so we finish eating and bonnie has just gotten to where we were when i get a message from my dad asking me if the paper on the counter at home was our ticket cause it said "this is your ticket" on the top of the paper. ugh. so i tell him we are heading back to get it. he met us halfway and then we were off!!!
so we get to the 'e-center' and come to find out parking is 10 bucks!!! SERIOUS?! what a rip off. but at this point in the day it has decided that it is going to rain and there is construction everywhere so we finally pick a lot that is relatively close to the building, suck it up and pay the money to park. we ditch our jackets and hurry to the concert.
so we get into the building and get some pretty rockin wrist bands and decide it would be cool to take some pictures. so the back ground you see was what we walked into. after the first band finished playing and they started setting up for MUSE the dropped these harnesses down from the lighting way up there at the top. two guys hook up and then get hoisted up to the top and just seat themselves up there. its like 30 feet off the ground. can you imagine that planning meeting where everyone was assigned their tasks for the show? "paul, harry, you get to sit 30 feet above the concert hooked up to the lighting and control things from up there... don't fall out, we can't afford any more insurance after all the money we put into this set..." yeah, i'm sure it went exactly like that....
so the first group to play was silversun pickups which i like i think like 2 of their songs... so that was kind of a drag. but then... MUSE started. it was fantastic.
and of course, what show is complete if it doesn't involve moving pillars, laser lights, strobe lights, a rotating drummer stand and a grand piano? none. thats which one. it was fantastic. i tell you, i wasn't expecting a bad show in any way, shape or form but i kid you not, they sounded just as good live as they do on their albums. it was amazing. those pillars almost constantly had something on them from shots of the crowd to video images of the perfomers mixed into other shots... it was amazing. i'm not going to lie, i did have a minor panic attack when chad just happened to be standing next to two grown men who decided that it would be good to start a fight, but other than that things went great.
(by the way, if you see that paper up in the air? well that was our friend hailey who painted a picture of the singer and was determined that she would give it to him... she got real close...)
hers is on the left... pretty cool huh?
so after the concert we walked out to about 4 inches of snow on our car. great. but, like the responsible adults that we like to pretend we are, we knew that we both had work or school in the morning so we decided to brave the weather and head for logan. well, we drove about 30 miles an hour on the freeway and were almost to ogden when we spun out across all three lanes. i think a rotation and a half. luckily no cars were around us and we were going slowly enough that we weren't really at risk of hitting the cement barrier but after that we were trying to decide if we should just stop somewhere for the night and then we heard on the radio that sardine canyon was closed because of an accident. so we stopped in ogden for the night.
all in all it was a super fun day and an adventure that i don't think i will forget for quite sometime!!!
Oh my goodness. I don't think that I could ask for a more fun/spontaneous/heart pounding/stressful/terrifying/memorable night if i had tried.
serious.
so here is how the day went.
i woke up with husband early in the am and took him to his 7:30 class and then i came home and did productive things like make the bed and do some laundry. you know, the usual. then at 12:20 when he got out of class i drove back over to campus and picked him up and off we went. we drove out to sandy where we did, oh so exciting things, like get the safety inspection done on my car (it passed) and then we went over to my families house. we hung out, laughed, chatted and then we decided that we wanted to get some food and so at about 5 we left to go get food and bonnie was going to go pick up her friend and then we would head out. so we finish eating and bonnie has just gotten to where we were when i get a message from my dad asking me if the paper on the counter at home was our ticket cause it said "this is your ticket" on the top of the paper. ugh. so i tell him we are heading back to get it. he met us halfway and then we were off!!!
so we get to the 'e-center' and come to find out parking is 10 bucks!!! SERIOUS?! what a rip off. but at this point in the day it has decided that it is going to rain and there is construction everywhere so we finally pick a lot that is relatively close to the building, suck it up and pay the money to park. we ditch our jackets and hurry to the concert.
so we get into the building and get some pretty rockin wrist bands and decide it would be cool to take some pictures. so the back ground you see was what we walked into. after the first band finished playing and they started setting up for MUSE the dropped these harnesses down from the lighting way up there at the top. two guys hook up and then get hoisted up to the top and just seat themselves up there. its like 30 feet off the ground. can you imagine that planning meeting where everyone was assigned their tasks for the show? "paul, harry, you get to sit 30 feet above the concert hooked up to the lighting and control things from up there... don't fall out, we can't afford any more insurance after all the money we put into this set..." yeah, i'm sure it went exactly like that....
so the first group to play was silversun pickups which i like i think like 2 of their songs... so that was kind of a drag. but then... MUSE started. it was fantastic.
and of course, what show is complete if it doesn't involve moving pillars, laser lights, strobe lights, a rotating drummer stand and a grand piano? none. thats which one. it was fantastic. i tell you, i wasn't expecting a bad show in any way, shape or form but i kid you not, they sounded just as good live as they do on their albums. it was amazing. those pillars almost constantly had something on them from shots of the crowd to video images of the perfomers mixed into other shots... it was amazing. i'm not going to lie, i did have a minor panic attack when chad just happened to be standing next to two grown men who decided that it would be good to start a fight, but other than that things went great.
(by the way, if you see that paper up in the air? well that was our friend hailey who painted a picture of the singer and was determined that she would give it to him... she got real close...)
hers is on the left... pretty cool huh?
so after the concert we walked out to about 4 inches of snow on our car. great. but, like the responsible adults that we like to pretend we are, we knew that we both had work or school in the morning so we decided to brave the weather and head for logan. well, we drove about 30 miles an hour on the freeway and were almost to ogden when we spun out across all three lanes. i think a rotation and a half. luckily no cars were around us and we were going slowly enough that we weren't really at risk of hitting the cement barrier but after that we were trying to decide if we should just stop somewhere for the night and then we heard on the radio that sardine canyon was closed because of an accident. so we stopped in ogden for the night.
all in all it was a super fun day and an adventure that i don't think i will forget for quite sometime!!!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
i'm so excited i think i'm going to cry...
...or pee my pants. no seriously. i'm so so so excited.
there is this band that i really like. like really really really like. and adam went and saw them in concert once upon a time and i was supremely jealous. and they keep touring every where else in the world but they hadn't come to the u.s. for a while. well then they started touring in the u.s. but they weren't close to utah so i kept up this nonsensical idea that it would be fun to just, you know, drive to south carolina just to see them. yeah. husband didn't really think that idea was the best one that i could have come up with so we didn't. but then one day close to christmas i walked in from work and husband was on the computer looking at ticket master so i asked him what he was looking at and guess what?!?! they were coming to utah so for christmas we bought tickets. EEEEEEE i'm so excited. and the even better part is that they are playing TOMORROW NIGHT!!!!!!! rain or snow we WILL be going to SLC for the concert. oh yeah and the band is MUSE!!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE them. they are a rock band. but seriously. they are such amazing musicians. listen to this or this or this (like half way through... LOVE) and pretty much any other song that you see by them will be amazing. i'm so excited. i will have to let ya'll know how it goes. and hopefully i can locate my camera so i can document this event... otherwise i will be tremendously upset. my heart is actually hurting i'm so exciting... i think i need to calm down... and go to the bathroom...
dear weather:
please cooperate tomorrow
dear husband:
thanks for the best christmas present ever!!!!
dear adam:
i wish you could come with... but at least you got to see them perform at least once...
dear muse:
love
there is this band that i really like. like really really really like. and adam went and saw them in concert once upon a time and i was supremely jealous. and they keep touring every where else in the world but they hadn't come to the u.s. for a while. well then they started touring in the u.s. but they weren't close to utah so i kept up this nonsensical idea that it would be fun to just, you know, drive to south carolina just to see them. yeah. husband didn't really think that idea was the best one that i could have come up with so we didn't. but then one day close to christmas i walked in from work and husband was on the computer looking at ticket master so i asked him what he was looking at and guess what?!?! they were coming to utah so for christmas we bought tickets. EEEEEEE i'm so excited. and the even better part is that they are playing TOMORROW NIGHT!!!!!!! rain or snow we WILL be going to SLC for the concert. oh yeah and the band is MUSE!!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE them. they are a rock band. but seriously. they are such amazing musicians. listen to this or this or this (like half way through... LOVE) and pretty much any other song that you see by them will be amazing. i'm so excited. i will have to let ya'll know how it goes. and hopefully i can locate my camera so i can document this event... otherwise i will be tremendously upset. my heart is actually hurting i'm so exciting... i think i need to calm down... and go to the bathroom...
dear weather:
please cooperate tomorrow
dear husband:
thanks for the best christmas present ever!!!!
dear adam:
i wish you could come with... but at least you got to see them perform at least once...
dear muse:
love
Monday, March 22, 2010
i just don't get it...
so darrell and i just finished watching new moon. you know, that one movie with the vampires ("emo love vampires" as darrell would call them) and wolves? i really don't understand the hype. really. from what i gather all the movies is about two love struck teenagers who are unable to carry on complete conversations, constantly glower and each other and look like they are in pain whenever they are around each other. mix that in with a girl who doesn't open her mouth when she speaks, a boy who is abnormally pale with horrible bags under his eyes and greasy hair, an unbelievably built sixteen year old and some "monsters" and you pretty much have the story.
i just don't "get it". you know, the "craze."
what is it about the books and the movies that are making girls swoon? one of my professors last year gave an interview to one of the newspapers here in utah and said “Different cultures and periods re-invent the vampires they need,” said Brian McCuskey, an associate professor of English and specialist in 19th-century British literature at Utah State University in Logan. “Monsters are an embodiment of our desires and anxieties, they shift. ...Vampires are constantly reinvented.” (you can read the whole article here... do it its really good he is an amazing professor) i think he might be right in one sense... but i think that what is really happening is that young girls are craving something that they can't have and edward is just that. something they all want but can't have. imagining him is flirting with a danger they never have to face in real life.
i guess i just don't buy into it.
mean while i suppose i will just go along with it and wonder what the next craze will be... maybe a new story about frankenstein.... who knows?
i just don't "get it". you know, the "craze."
what is it about the books and the movies that are making girls swoon? one of my professors last year gave an interview to one of the newspapers here in utah and said “Different cultures and periods re-invent the vampires they need,” said Brian McCuskey, an associate professor of English and specialist in 19th-century British literature at Utah State University in Logan. “Monsters are an embodiment of our desires and anxieties, they shift. ...Vampires are constantly reinvented.” (you can read the whole article here... do it its really good he is an amazing professor) i think he might be right in one sense... but i think that what is really happening is that young girls are craving something that they can't have and edward is just that. something they all want but can't have. imagining him is flirting with a danger they never have to face in real life.
i guess i just don't buy into it.
mean while i suppose i will just go along with it and wonder what the next craze will be... maybe a new story about frankenstein.... who knows?
Thursday, January 28, 2010
dream
last night i had a dream.
which seems to be happening alot lately.
in my dream i was taking a walk with adam.
we were just walking.
maybe talking, but i don't really recall.
i remember feeling very peaceful.
and happy.
and then adam told me he was going to go the pool house (?)
to play some video games.
so he did.
and i kept walking.
which seems to be happening alot lately.
in my dream i was taking a walk with adam.
we were just walking.
maybe talking, but i don't really recall.
i remember feeling very peaceful.
and happy.
and then adam told me he was going to go the pool house (?)
to play some video games.
so he did.
and i kept walking.
Friday, June 5, 2009
yup
i love him. he is great. and super. and wonderful. and i don't know what i would do with out him. i love his smile and his laugh and the silly little face when he thinks he is funny.
now that i have that out of my system...for now... this has been an entirely uneventful week. i still don't have a job which totally sucks but i'm remaining optimistic. three more jobs were posted on the university website today and i wrote a killer cover letter for it. hopefully they will manage to see my charm and wit shine through. on a positive note, i had an interview at a store in the mall and i'm supposed to be hearing back about that probably tomorrow so keep your fingers crossed. i need all the crossing that i can possibly get.
i have decided that summer here in logan is not nearly as dreadful as i was thinking that it would be. i know. its crazy even to me to say such insane things out loud... well sort of... but there you go. i kind of like the way the wind blows at night every night with out fail. i like the lazy feel of the world. i love going on walks with darrell around second dam. its so pretty up there.
oh boy. i can't wait for august 14th to arrive! it will be wonderful!!!!!!!!!
goodnight!
M
now that i have that out of my system...for now... this has been an entirely uneventful week. i still don't have a job which totally sucks but i'm remaining optimistic. three more jobs were posted on the university website today and i wrote a killer cover letter for it. hopefully they will manage to see my charm and wit shine through. on a positive note, i had an interview at a store in the mall and i'm supposed to be hearing back about that probably tomorrow so keep your fingers crossed. i need all the crossing that i can possibly get.
i have decided that summer here in logan is not nearly as dreadful as i was thinking that it would be. i know. its crazy even to me to say such insane things out loud... well sort of... but there you go. i kind of like the way the wind blows at night every night with out fail. i like the lazy feel of the world. i love going on walks with darrell around second dam. its so pretty up there.
oh boy. i can't wait for august 14th to arrive! it will be wonderful!!!!!!!!!
goodnight!
M
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