Church of England reviews its investments

After expressing embarrassment that the Church of England was profiting from investment in the payday loan firm Wonga, the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has been considering other possibilities.

Welby Wonga - an unethical investment in chocolate.

Welby Wonga, the chocolate company, is of course excluded because its products make children fat and destroy their teeth. But there are other options available.

Top of the list of possible investments for the Church of England is the company Bunga, which supplies female companionship to Italian politicians.

Silvio B. was very satisfied with Bunga.

Another option available to the archbishop is to invest in a successful manufacturer of arms, nerve gas, biological weapons, etc. This could easily be achieved by buying UK government bonds, although doing so may fall foul of Archbishop Welby's "ethical investments" policies.

More acceptable may be Dunga, the manure conglomerate (slogan "Where there's muck there's brass"), which provides a necessary social service, reprocessing animal waste, and similar material such as Thought for the Day contributions, into high-grade fertilizer.

One final possibility is that the Church of England cash will go abroad - possibly to India, where Kipling, the cake company, has opened a subsidiary, Gunga Din.

"You make better cakes than we do, Gunga Din."

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De Pop uses Twitter

Now dat de Pop is gonna use Twitter, we has used de crytsal ball to see wot de future holds. I is puttin de older messages first.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
Well here I am on Twitter. I had been wondering for weeks what @stephenfry has for breakfast. Porridge, apparently.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@holysmoke Damian Thompson, you SchweineFerret, I have a better right to be called @holysmoke than you do! I'm warning you.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@stbosco Why have you sent me 200 messages telling me I am not saved? I am the Pope, of course I'm saved.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
I feel like saying something infallible today. Anyone got any good ideas?

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@vincentnichols No, no red hat until you start behaving properly. Ask @holysmoke to give you a list of the things you're doing wrong.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@fatherarthur If I write a letter saying that you're a priest in good standing, will you stop badgering me?

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@molybdenite No, I really am the Pope, and not a sockpuppet. And stop calling me Woeful.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@stbosco No, I haven't tortured anyone for several weeks.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
This is quite addictive, isn't it? I seem to have missed an audience with @silvioberlusconi and his 25 lady friends. Mea culpa.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@eccles Love the blog, Eccles. Anti Moly still giving you trouble, eh? Cardinal @avvelenatore suggests sleeping tablets in her gin.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@stbosco Yes, surprising as it may seem, I have read the Bible.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
Well, time to go. They're repeating 'Allo 'Allo on TV and it reminds me of old times. Doesn't Herr Flick remind you of @richarddawkins?