five minutes

There is a question that is asked so often by English people that it could almost be our National catchphrase.

I hear it on the bus, on the train, in the shops, just everywhere and anywhere and so often that unless it is being said directly to me I tend to not even notice anymore. And I am a bit of an eavesdropper, I love it when I do that thing where you hear a little snippet, or catch the end of a conversation and it just sounds totally bizarre or completely wrong.

". . . and so I said that's far too big to fit in there, it doesn't matter how hard you push it's not going to fit. . . "
Said by a fella as he and his mate passed by me on the street. I laughed. Out loud.

But anyway, back to that question. I might not notice when it's being said to other people, but when it's aimed at me I only wish I could ignore it, the question being,
"Did you see Eastenders last night ?"
Of course there are variations of it.
"Wasn't Eastenders good last night"
"What do you think is going to happen to *insert name of dead/sick/criminal/missing/drug addict/alcoholic soap star*.
"Who do you think is the father of *insert name of slutty soap stars* baby".

I only have one answer for all of the above and any other variation.
"I don't watch Eastenders. Or any soap for that matter".
There have been times when saying those words has been met with more shock and disbelief then if I was to tell people that I used to be a man or that I was a serial killer. I've been told that I don't know what I'm missing (I do, I used to watch it), or that I MUST (is it compulsory now?).
But the people that really piss me off are the ones who presume that even though I don't watch the fucking stupid programme I still want to have the conversation they were trying to start when they asked me the question.
Then decide that in order to facilitate it they have to first fill me in on the entire background plot and who is related to/having an affair with/trying to kill who.

If I was interested I'd watch the fucking show.
And I do tell them that, but it doesn't shut them up. It's like Eastenders is their religion and they are the Jehovah's Witnesses come to convert me.
Sometimes when people are talking about it around me I can't help but listen in and it's as if they genuinely think the people in it are REAL. I suppose if you watch something three (or is it on four times ?) nights a week and then the repeat on a Sunday you might actually be spending more time with them then you do your real friends.
And I'm strange because I don't watch it ?

And if it's not enough that the TV schedules are full of soaps and their repeats our magazines and newspapers are full of the real life dramas and scandals concerning the actors in them. Or what disastrous outfit they wore to the supermarket, who has a spot on their face, who dyed their hair and who managed to lose some weight.

Unless it's my turn to have the five minutes of fame we're all supposed to get I refuse to buy into the cult of celebrity.

Last night was the return to TV of Freak Show Britains Got Talent, yet another show in which Joe Public can try and grasp his five minutes. That show I do watch, some of it is car crash telly at it's finest - watching people who think they have some special skill but really don't get ripped apart by Simon Smug Cowell is always entertaining. But you can pretty much guarantee that by the end of the series the press will have dug up some scandal about a few of the unsuspecting idiots who appear on it, and they will get their five minutes but not for what they hoped. It'll more likely be because they have three kids by different partners or stole a bar of chocolate from the corner shop when they were ten.
All of which will get blown out of all proportion.
As much as we love our non-entities celebrities we seem to like it even more when they fuck up.

And nothing grabs the public's attention more then a sex scandal.

The latest person to fall foul to this is Tulisa. I don't suppose any of you across the pond - or indeed all the UK readers - may even know who she is. But I bet there's a few more know of her since her ex decided to post a video of her giving him a not very good blow job all over the Internet. She was part of a pretty rubbish group, but became even more well known as last year she was one of the judges on X Factor.
I don't suppose she'll be invited back this year.
Unless Simon Smug Cowell decides to make XXX Factor. Although judging by the performance in the video I doubt she'll get through the audition stage.

Silly girl.
I already wrote a POST ages ago about my thoughts concerning home made porn, so I'm not about to repeat myself, but really why would someone who was aiming for fame and life in the public eye not realise that letting someone film you is likely to come back and bite you later on ?
Apparently she is now suing him for a hundred grand. Yeah good luck - if he had any money he wouldn't of needed to post the video - because you can bet that was his motivation.

She's now made a video apologising to her fans. I bet she's got a few more now too.
But she begins it by saying, before she even gets into how upsetting it's all been for her, that when she has something to say she has never been one for keeping her mouth shut.

Indeed.
Or thinking about what you're actually saying before you speak.

I just hope that the latest round of BGT hopefuls don't have any juicy skeletons lurking in their cupboards. But I'd be willing to bet it's not something they have even considered when they decide to get on TV and showcase their outstanding ability to balance a poodle on their head.