sick and tired

Urghhhhh.

I have just spent four days laid up with a horrible stomach bug.
You know the kind, where you think you're about to fart, so you do. And realise just in time that it isn't a fart.
Fucking vile.
An entire weekend laid on my bed in agony and two days off work.
I hate that, makes me feel like I have let people down and that is not something I want to do.

And I am now seriously behind with the list of things-I-need-to-do-before-epic-holiday. I'm not that bothered about delivering the few xmas presents I have for people, Son won't mind doing that for me. Nor do I really care about packing too many clothes, it's going to be hot and we will be mostly on the beach so as long as I have packed all fifteen of my bikinis I'll be ok.

But I am worried that I won't have time to get my legs waxed.
If you hear reports on the news of the missing link being spotted on a beach in Goa you'll know the truth.

I've been feeling so ill I haven't even really turned the computer on, and as it's a laptop that takes very little effort, but when I did so just now it's like I have a hundred new posts to read on my followed blogs.
Fuck knows if I'll ever catch up on reading after a month away.
And my OCD tendencies will mean that I feel I have to.

However what I have managed to do is get the guest posts ready, you lot are in for a few treats while I'm gone. I have to say the people I asked all said pretty much the same thing - that they weren't happy with what they gave me.
Why is everyone their own worst critic ?
I think they're all great (there are three, one per week) so I really hope that after reading them you will all go and check out the respective authors blogs. You won't be disappointed.

I also recently started following Interwebs Fails, go and take a look, I'll wait. . .
Honestly I thought the people I had as 'friends' on facebook were a sad indictment of the human race, but some of the stuff he posts there makes me worry for our future.
If aliens are monitoring us they are probably tapping into the web, and looking at most of that they are probably thinking lets blow them the fuck up there is no intelligent life on earth. But some of the 'questions' posts I've seen there reminded me that I once joined a question forum so I went off to have a look.

Unbefuckinglievable.

That's not what I was taught, but I can see how it might happen. 

Don't confuse birth control with your creepy uncle.

(@IWF feel free if you want to use these, I'd be kinda honoured if you did :)

Regular readers know I buy far too many shoes on I'm a big fan of ebay, and one thing I regularly look out for is Uggs, I'm very good at spotting the fakes too.

But last week before the sick bug got me I saw these,

Look at the fucking state of them !
There's used and then there's knackered, worn out, filthy and with a hole in the side. Yes, it is a hole, there were other pictures that showed it better.
She was asking for a starting price of £50 for fuck sake. I've bought genuine brand new Uggs for not much more then that, so I had to go and read the description.

SMELLY ?!!?
Oh wait, it's ok it's just a little bit.
COLLAPSE SLIGHTLY ?
That's a fucking full on landslide going on with those monstrosities.
LUXURY ITEM !?!?
If that's your idea of luxury love then I really don't want to see what you wear when you're slumming it.
SAD TO SEE THEM GO ?
If I got fifty quid for them I'd be throwing a fucking party.
GIVE THEM A GOOD HOME . . .
The only thing they are fit for is the bin.
Anyway of course I had to go and look at the 'similar items'. After all - they couldn't be any worse.
Could they ?

And then the proverbial penny dropped.

This person is hoping that weirdo perverts are going to buy her old tat.

She even had a pair of knickers amongst her stuff, it said they were new 'to comply with ebay terms' but they didn't exactly look new to me.

Urghhhh.

Hmmmm. I have several pairs of tatty old knickers lurking in the bottom of a drawer . . . . 

Make me an offer.

Maybe she could use this for her advertising campaign.

I can't decide whether this guy is a genius or a bit of a cunt.

But anybody messes with my Bikini is gonna be in for a shock.

And not in a good way.

Never mind, these dogs made me laugh.

 Awwwww.

The second one reminds me of the time I bought my (then about 2yrs old) niece some felt tip pens and forgot to tell my sister I had put them in her bag when she left my house. The next morning my sister found her sat in front of the mirror having coloured her entire face, even her eyelids, green.

For days afterwards people kept asking my sister if her daughter was ok as she 'didn't look too well'. She was fine, she just had a greenish tinge to her complexion.

I'm off, I have a hundred blog posts to read and about a thousand texts, emails and calls to reply to.

Yeah. I wish I was that popular.

I also wish I was getting this for Christmas.

Well someones gotta rub the suntan lotion on the bits I can't reach.

withdrawl

I am cured.

I feel like I have been to rehab.

I deleted my Facebook.

It wasn't done with the intention of being permanent. The plan was to delete it for a while, then once people realised I had gone reactivate it and have a major cull of the fucking idiots people without them realising and getting offended and shitty about it.
Just keep it for close friends and family and people I actually like.
Not nosy cunts and perverts acquaintances who just want to look at the pictures. Or invite me to social events with people I can't fucking stand, and then even after I've said I have bubonic plague not attended the event I still see endless pictures of the drunk morons who did go on my page.
When I get back from my epic holiday I don't want them looking at my snaps - but I do want to share them with some people, and it's too sodding tedious picking who can and can't see albums.

And as amusing as I find certain people - the ones that have made an appearance or two here, it was getting really fucking annoying when every time I checked it I had a feed full of their inane drivel.

I guess my real friends will just have to go back to the old fashioned way of keeping in touch with me.

Like actually coming round for a coffee.
Or picking up the phone.
Do people still do that anymore ? Or do they just send you a virtual drink ?

I haven't missed it at all, in fact the only thing I have considered since - apart from never using it again - is that I will no longer have stuff from there to share on here.
And it does make for entertainment.

But then I was having a look at ebay - yeah I'm still trying to find a magic slimming, youth giving bikini - and I found some new entertainment.
I know all about the idea that one man's rubbish is another man's treasure, I've realised that from the utter crap that I've left outside my house only to find it gone in the morning.
But really.
Take a look . . . .

What the fuck is this ?

Apparently it's an old fashioned salt dispenser.
Really ?
That's not what it looks like to me.
FYI I was looking for Spice Racks.

How about getting some old fashioned Christmas pudding charms, I don't know about elsewhere in the world but traditionally in the UK you put them in the pudding for people to choke to death on find as they eat it.
When I was a child my Mum tried to kill us with used silver six pence pieces in ours, but originally the charms were used. I was looking for some to give to my sister, as I'm not going to be home at Christmas I'm making a little parcel up for her and I found this.

Happiness ?
And yeah I know that before the nazi's adopted it the swastika was in fact a lucky symbol, it still is in Indian culture, but this was MADE IN ENGLAND and it's old but not that old, and it's on sale on ebay NOW.
Hurry up and you could be the proud owner. Just make sure Grandad who fought in the war doesn't get the wrong piece of pudding.
He really will choke on it.
I guess you can always tell people the Germans got him in the end.

I have also been looking for some shorts for my holiday.
Search" shorts size 14 " and look what it found for me. . .

Should I get a pair of them for the beach ?

I found this next thing hilarious.
I'm not entirely sure if it's in the best taste, it might even be a bit inappropriate or offensive to some, but that's probably part of the appeal, for me anyway.

I'm gonna order one anyway. MLK is about to go where no man has gone for quite a while.

There is also an unbelievable amount of varieties of toilet roll on ebay. Quite literally any colour and design - not just the novelty crossword, sudoku and bank note ones that you see in most joke shops.
For English football fans here's a way to show the team what you really think of their performance.

And one for the Americans out there. . .

Hilary can go where no man has gone before.

And this just makes no sense.
How this person hopes to make a sale is beyond me.

Thank you ?
For what.
Not paying ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY NINE quid for something I don't even know if I want because you haven't even got a fucking picture.

It seem's that fuckwits don't just confine their activity to Facebook.

And that last line . . . "this is a stool". . . no prizes for guessing what that made me think about.

If I saw this hanging outside someone's house I think I'd walk away.
Especially if it was in Scotland.

I've also started using Twitter a bit more lately, there's a link on the right if you fancy joining me on there (and one for G+) - not that I've posted much myself I just follow other bloggers and stalk a couple of famous people.

But last night I went to log in and it showed me this. What the fuck ?

It's a fucking huge website.
How can it be 'over capacity' ? What does that even mean ?

Ah well, I just hope the idiots who stick all those boring crap status updates on Facebook every five minutes don't decide to join it. It will probably explode.

the mother of invention

The good news is the dishwasher is now installed properly, working and not leaking.
Yay me !!!

The bad news is that once again I have failed to win the lottery, looks like I need to find another way to become a millionaire as that plan isn't going very well. I might have to invent something, although it would probably be as useful as my plumbing skills.
Apparently my great great great (I'm not exactly sure how great) grandfather invented the coffee percolator, well according to my Dad. And the story goes that as he had no money he sold the idea to an American. If this is true then I should be a coffee pot heiress, although my Dad is known for his "tall stories" and according to Wiki this is yet another of those.

However I doubt that anything I could come up with is as ridiculous as the contents of the Kleenezee catalogue.
I expect some of my English readers may know what this is, but for the benefit of those who don't they sell overpriced crap useful household products via a catalogue that one of their agents will occasionally put through your door.
They will then call back to get them and hopefully an order a few days later.
You are expected to return the book, even though you didn't ask for it to be posted through your door. I've had a few arguments with the agents because when they knocked and asked for it back I either couldn't find it or had put it in the bin.
Way I see it you put it through my letterbox it's mine and I can do what the fuck I want with it. I found one on my door mat this morning, before I bin it let me share with you some of the delights found within it.

It's not just the shit they sell it's the descriptions that crack me up.

"Get scrubbing and the skin will peel off". . . your hands.

How is this easier then using a knife or a potato peeler ? Look at them, they are clearly way too big for the persons hands in the picture, and unless the potatoes are perfectly round (so about 1 out of every 20 then) it's not going to work very well.

"So easy you won't believe it". . . well no, I don't.
"Cutting down on washing up" . . .so you don't have to wash this then ?

Essentially this is a very tall jug, you put your spaghetti in it, fill with hot water and leave it to cook. Fine, until you leave it a bit too long, the spaghetti gets a bit overcooked and sticky and you have to try and get it out of the bottom of fucking thing.
Think I'll stick to using a pot.

Sandwich cutters.

Or a new way to waste half a loaf of bread - they could've made them a bit bigger surely ?

Even if you used these I still think all the egg sandwiches would be left over at the end of the kids party.

What fucking idiot thought this one up. It's just a bit of plastic, why not just throw them on the bottom of the wardrobe like everyone else. They want a fiver for this piece of shit and no, the hangers aren't included in the price.

 ". . .enable the clips to appear to pour out of the tap". Wow ! Look, they really do don't they.

Can someone explain to me the connection between a bath and paper clips that gave rise to this. And why do you even want to have paper clips coming out of your taps.
At least unlike the coat hanger thing you do get some paper clips with it. And it is amusing ? Well yeah, but not in the way whoever invented it thought - people will laugh at you if your dumb enough to buy it.

Not everything in the book is so trivial, they do take home security seriously and have products to help. Thanks to Kleenezee you can feel secure in the knowledge that your valuables are stashed where no thief will ever find them.
They even have a wardrobe safe. . .

Well what were you expecting ?
A secure lockable metal box ?
You no longer need one, you can have something that resembles a man's fishing jacket with lots of pockets instead. If I ever do win the lottery bugger keeping my millions in the bank, I'm gonna get ten of these.

I don't know about where you live, but in some places another somewhat overlooked aspect of home security is the theft of wheelie bins.
Fear not - Kleenezee have got that covered too. . . .

"make your bin instantly recognisable".. and make you the laughing stock amongst your neighbours.
Attractive rubbish bins ? What utter genius is this.

And for the ladies who can't be bothered to go to the hair salon there is this. . .

Apparently it's so you can give yourself  "treatments" at home. If my friends came round and I was wearing one of these I think they'd be suggesting I get therapy, but not for my hair.
I suppose the little green men won't be interfering with her brainwaves, even if it looks like she's got the vent pipe from a cooker hood attached to her head.

If you think that's a dumb idea take a look at this,

UNWANTED CLEAVAGE ???
If it's that much of a problem just don't buy low cut tops.

Even the family pet is not spared forgotten.

What I want to know is who in their right mind thinks their pet is eating too fast. Surely those 'prongs' are just gonna make it hard to clean the stupid thing. And seriously, the more I think about this the more ridiculous it gets. . . it's not going to make any difference to a pet. The only way to make a cat eat slower is if you put its food in the bowl a spoonful at a time.
I just fail to see why you would want to.

Do the inventors of this shit make up problems so they can invent products to solve them ? And are there people reading this catalogue of crap and asking themselves if they have unwanted cleavage or wondering if their precious pooch is in danger of giving himself indigestion.

Never mind, while you're worrying about that you can always curl up in a "pink snuggler".

Is it just me or does that sound like a euphemism.

I have to go now, I need to fill out the order form.
I really think I need one of these. . .

I'm not entirely sure why, but I'm pretty sure I'll find a use for it.

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Before I go check this out, I was given another blogger award so I'm going to show it off here. I love this one, it's kind of personal as it was made and given to me by someone who has become a friend outside of this strange world that occupies my laptop.