Showing posts with label guestpost. Show all posts
Showing posts with label guestpost. Show all posts

Thursday, 15 March 2012

intimacy


The very lovely Janie Junebug is running a weekly series of guest posts on her blog on the subject of intimacy. She wants to know what that means to different people, and the posts so far have all been very interesting and diverse.

And now thanks to me the tone has been lowered to gutter level.

Unfortunately due to the nefarious Dr X and his concubines reading her blog she was forced to make it private a while ago, so as some of you will be unable to read it I am posting it here today as well. If you want to know more about Dr X, contribute to the series, or just read Janie - and this lady can write, then go to her profile and send her an email.
Everyone is welcome. . . . apart from he who shall not be named !

Hisssssssssssssssssssssssssss

When Janie first asked me if I wanted to write a contribution to this topic it left me rather stumped.

Because she said it should be "a post about intimacy, not sex, real intimacy", and in my world you can't have one without the other.
The way my emotions are wired sex, love and intimacy are all sides of the same coin.

Well that's not entirely correct.
I can have sex without intimacy, have done, more times then I care to remember a few times.
But just not the other way round.

The saying goes the way to a mans heart is through his stomach, it's the same for me, except you need to reach my stomach via a different route.
I've had some great sex with men I wasn't in love with, but I've never fallen in love with anyone who wasn't giving me mind blowing, swinging from the chandeliers, how the fuck do I manage to get my legs in that position sex.

Don't misunderstand me, I know that when you find intimacy it becomes about more then sex. But I just can't get there without it, and I have experienced that feeling of being so in tune with someone that it's almost like you can read each others minds.
But for it to last that needs to translate itself to a man who can read my mind so I don't have to tell him when to speed it up or slow it down or flip me over.
That's how I REALLY know that somebody gets me.

Sometimes I wonder if I was really ever love, because as soon as the sex diminished I went off the man pretty damn quick.

The way it works for me is I like someone, so the sex gets a bit better, so I like them more, the more I like them the more I want sex, the more sex we have the better it gets, until it gets to the point where I think I love them (and the very best sex is always with someone you love - for me THAT'S where the intimacy comes into it). And then I want it ALL the time.
Morning.
When you get in from work.
At night.
If you have an extra half hour for lunch.
And don't be making plans that involve getting dressed at the week-end. Although I have a selection of outfits that might fit the occasion.

It's also at this point that I like to get a bit kinky.

And it's at this point that pretty much every man I ever got involved with started saying things like, and I quote. . .
"I can't do that with you, I love you and I respect you too much" (No, I'm not telling you what 'that' was, but he was on the way out the minute those words were out of his mouth).
"You just want me for sex" (Well no, but without it you're not getting anything else).
"If I had an accident and my cock got cut off you'd dump me" (Honestly ? Yeah, he was probably right).
"I'm not a human vibrator" (Clearly he wasn't, once his battery died there was no replacing it).
"All we ever do is fuck, can't we just cuddle" (FYI in my world cuddling is foreplay).
"Do NOT be waking me up with a blow job tonight, I need to sleep" ( I decided this one was gay).
"Why do you have to act like a slut all the time" (Because he told me he liked women who dress up, so I used to turn up at his house wearing. . . )
"Why can't you let me make the first move instead of jumping on me as soon as I get here" ( This one wanted me to make him dinner while he moaned about work...nah, help me work up an appetite first and then I'll let you order a pizza. His job was digging holes in the road. REALLY wanted to talk about that. Not.)
And once I heard those statements I knew the end was nigh.
Boring.

Seriously, I thought men wanted a woman who is always up for it. And when I'm really into someone I am, truth is I think they found my libido intimidating.
But as soon as I start to feel anything approaching frustration any emotions I feel seem to die off.

Maybe that's why I'm single.
Some of the relationships I've had have left me rather cynical, but at the same time I think that I just haven't met anyone truly compatable, or maybe never found true love, and I'd like to think I can put a YET on the end of that.
My last boyfriend fucked with my head in ways that have nothing to do with this post, and I am only just now beginning to think that it might be time to put the hunting gear on again.

Because there are really only two things I miss about being with someone.
The first one, obviously, is sex.
I'm spending a fucking fortune on batteries.
But the other thing is intimacy, and by that I mean the closeness I only seem to be able to feel when I am physically close to someone.
Which means I'll be expecting a lot of sex.

And having just read this back I realise that while Janie wanted a post about intimacy I have in fact just written a post about sex.

I think that proves my point.



Here's the link for Janies profile. Or as I moderate my comments leave me your email (it won't be published) and I will pass on to her.
I love her - and you will too !




Thursday, 29 December 2011

cowgirl presents . . . #6




Hi folks, 
The highly esteemed and very 'bumable' dirtycowgirl, has bestowed upon me the honor of guest posting on her behalf whilst she is away being lazy sunning herself in warmer climes.
As she didn't have the time to ask anyone else an offering of gratitude, I bring you the following post...and remember after reading this, that hate crime (against me) and stoning (also against me) are both criminal acts in the western world.


There's a striped legged Okapi in my bathroom and it's standing by the sink.

The Lil man has an irrational fear of spiders and will often fall into throes of hysteria at the mere sight of one. It really is quite odd. I've no idea where he gets his strong aversion to arachnids from. (Cough)
I'm not even really sure how his phobia begun. (Cough cough) It really is  quite unnerving to see. (Not really, dem things is HUUUUGE!)

ARGHHHHH !!!!!

Sometimes he will spy an arachnid the size of a pin head from a pace of a 100 yards away and then a mild frenzy will ensue and by mild frenzy, I mean running around the house and wailing in a high pitch that only dogs and marine wildlife, such as Dolphins can hear. 
He will often exaggerate it's proportions: "I'm not lying mother. It really was the size of a four door, 6230cc, 4 speed automatic, 172 horsepowered 1969 Bentley".  
As well as it's activities: "And then it barred it's sharp poisonous fanged teeth, gave a deep growl from deep within it's stomach and almost blinded me with it's deadly venomous toxins"

I really haven't a clue where he gets he skill for the over dramatics from. (A-hem)
So when on Saturday morning I heard this-

"MUM, THERE'S A HUGE MONSTER OF A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM!"

Yes, this really was the best I could come up with for 'monster'...Bite me!

I expected to see a spider the size of which, I probably would only be able to identify by way of a very powerful microscope.
By the time I had fetched my trusted Electrolux 2000 and gone to rescue my child from the gaping maw of the savage and mutant monstrosity, it had inexplicably vanished.

Lil man panting and breathing quite heavily from fright: " I think it's gone behind the mirror".

Me panting and breathing quite heavily with the exertion of carrying the blasted Electrolux 2000 up fourteen bloody steps:" Okay, we'll wait here for a few seconds and see if it reappears".

30 bloody minutes later...


Me:Okay, it obviously isn't ready to show itself yet. Do you remember what it looked like?

Lil man: Yeah, it had an orange body and six legs. 

Me: OK.

Lil man: Oh yea and one eye.

Me: *Blink* 

Lil man:(*Blink*) You're going to ask me if I've been smoking crack again aren't you?

Me: Nope. I've made a promise that I shall no longer use those particular words again.

Lil man: Who did you promise?

Me: The readers of my blog.

Lil man: But the readers of your blog don't live here.

Me: I know.

Lil man: So how would they know if you've said it or not?...Oh...You're going to write about this aren't you?

Me: Yep.

Lil man: Well I doubt that your readers will be interested in this . . . any four of them. . . . 

Me (trying my best to ignore him as it takes all my effort not to grab him by the back of his scrawny neck and shove his head down the toilet, whilst laughing maniacally with glee): I think we should Google it and find out if such a creature exists.

So with that, we gathered around the computer, though I wasn't sure if two people could be classed as being able to 'gather' seeing as, well you know, there are only two of us.

Me typing out relevant info: So we're looking for an insect with an orange body and six legs?

Lil man: And one eye, don't forget the one eye.

Me:  Mmm. Let's leave that piece of information to one side for the moment shall we?

Lil man: OK. . .  (Watches silently as I type) What's 'Hot male on male action?"

Man action, not Action Man . . .stupid Google search! 
I'm pretty sure I dated this guy once. . . . 


Me: WHAT??!!


Lil man : ' It says there Hot. Male. On. Male. Action.'  Look, it's down the side of your browsing history. What is it?

Me: Oh. .um. .ooh it's hot in here. . .It's um. . .about. . er. . .it's about. . .

Lil man: And what's  'Breakfast on Tiffany and Inspect her gadget?' Shouldn't that be Inspector Gadget? I think they made a typo.

Me: Well. . .it's. . .it's. . .Oh look!  (as info comes up on screen via wiki answers, that font of pure knowledge.) Orange insect with six legs. But it says here that this one has stripes on it's legs. Did the one you saw have stripes?

Lil man ponders for a moment: Mmmm, yeah, I'm fairly certain it had stripes. . . (ponders some more) Yep, it definitely had stripes.

Me: Well according to this, our insect is called an Okapi.

Lil man excitedly: Quick, click on to images. 

So clicking on images, we both expected to see this:


But what we saw instead was this:


Me as jaw hits the floor: This is what you saw in the bathroom? You're telling me, that  THIS is exactly what you saw in the bathroom?

Lil man: Of course not, don't be silly...it was a little bit smaller than that.

I lily, will be appearing at a mental institution near you soon.

Lily


If that tickled you, go and check out Lily's blog. It's the absolute opposite of all those soppy mushy vomit inducing mommy blogs - she is single, and a parent but the similarity ends there.
http://theincoherentramblingsofasingleparent.blogspot.com/


Thursday, 22 December 2011

cowgirl presents . . . #5


Ladies and gentlemen I give you Gweenbrick.



















Now go and check out his blog - it's absolutely hilarious.
Keep a look out for the product reviews, Thomas, and my personal favourites, the Jeffrey posts.
http://www.gweenbrick.com/


Thursday, 15 December 2011

cowgirl presents . . . #4



Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Stupidstu. .




Stupidity, slutty women who ride horses and a bunch of cunts!

Well I would firstly like to say hello to all of DCG’s regular followers and then straight away warn you that this post may contain more swear words than one of DCG’s regular posts?
In fact, what the fuck am I talking about? this girl has a mouth like a hung over brickie!

So with that out of the way, firstly a little bit about ME. (Shameless plug for my blog coming).
I have only been blogging for a couple of months now and to be honest mine and DCG’s blogs are similar in the way they aren’t really about anything interesting, just a load of shite thrown together about anything that we find funny or relevant at the time. You may all be aware that DCG at the moment is starting to show her age of 28 my arse by blogging about her son going through puberty about 15 years ago and her and the Man-o-pause she can’t pull anymore because she sweats a lot.


So my post is about one of the first things she blogged about and this will hopefully bring back some of the good old days for her whilst she is sunning herself in India stoned out of her mind!

The one thing me and DCG really have in common is we share a love of something, something pure yet misunderstood by most people as being offensive when really it is a source of joy and laughter in our lives!! That thing is the beautiful word ……..cunt!

I know that some people take offence to the word but below I have got some pictures and to me the only thing the word does is make the pictures funny and certainly not offensive. Hopefully we can break some boundaries today people?!


I know that after I have had a night on the tiles I certainly need a rest!



This classic works well either way round! ….Think about it! This was on DCGs original post but for me it’s a must have! If you have read my book club post then you would know that if a penguin or penguinette says someone is a cunt it has to be true!




Now I am sorry but if this man, the late great John Peel can wear a t-shirt saying that HE is a cunt then how is that offensive? Just imagine a loved one, maybe your auntie Mavis wearing one saying Auntie Mavis is a cunt!! Hilarious!

I will leave you with something that is directly taken from DCGs fabulous post as I think it would be a fitting way to finish up and I quote …….

“I am proud of my cunt, it has been the source of some fine times, and played a major role in my greatest achievement - the birth of my son. And yet I realise that by writing the word here some people might have an issue with reading this, I daresay some might even not read this post at all simply because of the title. I often use the word in my facebook status and as a result I've had quite a few people delete me.”
Cunts”

If DCG has actually gone ahead and posted this then I would like to thank her for very foolishly allowing me to guest post on her blog and I think you will agree with me when I say that her blog is always full of shit entertaining and I hope she is having a blast in Goa off her face on ecstasy?!
I don’t know how many of you have ever met DCG for real but I got this footage of her when I was stalking her at a street party so please enjoy!




Thanks for reading,
Stupidstu. <-------check him out !

Stu's blog is still quite new, but if you like me when I'm being sarcastic and rude you will love him.
He is also currently sunning himself on a beach in some far away place as he and his lady have embarked on an epic adventure - he gave me this post before he left - but he will be back posting in January too.




Friday, 30 September 2011

cowgirl presents . . . #3




I recently started following The Rambling Person, a blog written by Mark who is an aspiring writer. His posts are well written, interesting, thoughtful, funny and he covers many topics. Recently he asked his readers to suggest some topics, and half in jest I suggested a story about a Cowgirl who's scared of horses.
Well guess what ? Yeah, he did it, and it's a proper story too. With chapters and everything. And it's (sort of) about me.
So now my little flock I present to you. . . . 


Calamity Jane - the Prequel.


1.
The day was just starting, the sun was coming up, and a cockerel could be heard.
It was the cockerel that woke Jane, a fifteen year old girl who lived on the Gabriel Ranch. The ranch was named after her family, she didn't know how old it was, just that they had lived there for several generations.

After getting dressed and tying back her brown hair she headed downstairs to get some breakfast, and to see just what she would be up to today. As she expected, her dad was already waiting there for her. He was halfway through his own breakfast, and had prepared her something as well. She never really understood how he was always up before her, even though he seemed to do more work.

“Mornin' kid” Said Mr. Gabriel when he saw her enter the kitchen.
Jane stuck her tongue out at him before replying “I ain't no kid anymore daddy”. She was smiling as she said this though.
“Ye are, and ye always will be, daddy's little girl” Was his response.

Jane just sighed, sat down and started to eat her breakfast. While she was eating her dad told her what she would have to do today. It was mostly simple work like mucking out the stables, she was used to chat like this so it didn't put her off her meal. Though her dad then mentioned something she'd be doing that almost made her choke. Riding lessons.

“Ridin’ lessons? Why do I need ridin' lessons?” She asked, a bit nervously.
“You mean to tell me you've been livin' on a ranch all your life and you haven't worked out yet that ridin' horses is somethin' we do?” Her dad replied sarcastically.
Jane flushed, looking down at the table, playing with her food before looking back up.
“I ain't an idiot daddy, I know that...I'll do it” She conceded eventually.
“Good” responded her dad before finishing his breakfast. “Now hurry on up and get to work”.

Jane did start her work day, and found herself in the stables with the horses. She didn't mind cleaning them out so much, and thought they were really pretty animals, but she just had something she couldn't tell her dad. She was also afraid of them. Who's ever heard of a cowgirl that's afraid of horses? She'd be laughed at, or worse, and she just didn't want to face that. They were just so big, and powerful, and they ran so fast. When she was younger she had tried to ride them, and it was just too fast for her. She fell off and hit her head. Her dad told her that it was just because she was so small, and when she was older and bigger, she should try it again, and it would go better, but she was still afraid.

A bit later in the day, as she was still in the stables, brushing the horses and cleaning them, her dad came in.
“I been lookin' for you” he said, “it's about time for your lessons lil' lady”.
She just nodded, and followed her dad out of the stables where she saw a big brown horse waiting in one of the fields. It already had it's saddle on, and she knew it was just waiting for her to get on.

“Can you get up there on your own or will ye be needin' some help?” Her dad asked her.
She looked away from him, said “I can get on just fine thank you daddy” and managed to climb up. When she looked down again though she nearly fell off. It seemed a lot higher than it actually was. Her dad stabilized her before grabbing the reins, and starting to lead the horse forward. She hung on tight to whatever she could grab, but tried her best to not let her fear show. She smiled back at her dad when he looked up at her.

“Okay now you hold onto the reins, and have a go at leadin' her yourself” He said.

It took a few seconds for Jane to respond. She held onto the reins like she was told, and tried to give the horse a quick kick to the flank, to get it to move a little. When it did start moving though she started screaming, which scared the horse and just made it run faster. Which made her scream louder. Her dad tried desperately to catch up to her and the horse, and after a few minutes was able to grab the reins, pull Jane off the horse, and attempt to calm both her and the horse down.

The horse calmed down way before Jane did.

“What was that all about?” asked her dad, still holding her while she sobbed a little.
“I'm sorry daddy, I was just...” she started to answer before hesitating.
“Just what baby girl?”
“Promise you won't laugh?”
“Now why would I laugh at you?”
“Because”, she started “because...well, because I'm afraid of horses” she forced herself to say. She found that when she started talking it was a lot easier to keep going “When I was little I fell off that horse and I've still been scared since then. I like cleanin’ them and takin’ care of them, but I'm still scared to ride one daddy”.

Her dad gave her a quick hug and said to her, “Well why would I laugh at you for that?”
She looked at him, a bit puzzled. “Well, who's heard of a cowgirl who's afraid of horses?”.
Her dad did laugh a little at that, and she sulked, but he just patted her head and kissed the top of it.
“Now now, nothin’ wrong with bein’ afraid. But learnin’ to ride a horse properly will make it a lot harder for you to fall off.” He said.
“I know that, but they're just so big, and they go so fast, and I'm just scared.”
“I know you are honey, but really, when you're ridin' one properly, it'll go a lot better.”
“Promise?” She asked him.
He stuck out his pinkie finger and said “I promise.”
She shook pinkies with him before laughing and giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.

“I tell you what” He said, “I'll try and find you something smaller to ride, something that won't scare you so much”.
“Okay daddy, if you think it'll help” She said.
“I think it will, now you go back to your work, and I'll see what I can do for you.”

She gave him another kiss on the cheek before going back to the stables. Her dad watched her go and went back into the house, thinking of just what he could do.

2.
The next day Jane woke up and found her dad once again waiting for her at the table.

“Mornin' ki. . . . ” he started to say before she interrupted him,
“I ain't no kid anymore daddy” She said, badly trying to hide a smile.
“Well one day I'll learn that” Her dad replied, “Until then you are daddy's little girl.”

She just sat down and started to eat her breakfast.

“I got a surprise for you by the way”, Her dad said suddenly, almost making her choke once again.
“A surprise? What is it?”
“Well I can't tell you that now can I? It wouldn' be a surprise if I did” He said before laughing a little.
“It ain't more ridin' lessons is it?”
“No, not just yet.”
“Not just yet? What's that mean?”
“What I said, you ain't got no more ridin' lessons yet, you do have something though.”
“Well what is it?”
“That's the surprise silly, I ain't gonna tell you that.”
“Awww tell me! Please?”
“Nope, you ain't gonna find out what it is until this evening after you've done all your work, so you best get to it.”

Jane sighed, finished her breakfast, and headed out to start her work.

For her, the day just couldn't go fast enough. Everything seemed to take a lot longer than it normally did, and she didn't enjoy herself as much as she usually did. Eventually though she did finish the last job, and found her dad waiting just outside the stable. He smiled when he saw her.

“So, just what is this surprise then?” She asked.
“Always so impatient, but it ain't here yet” Her dad replied.
“Ain't here yet? How can a surprise be late?”
“It can be late when it has to be delivered”
“Delivered? How big can this thing be?”
 “You'll find out when it gets here, now hush and watch the road if you insist on bein' so impatient.”

She sat down, placed her head in her hands, and watched the road like her dad said. After about 10 minutes she noticed something coming down the road. It was a horse transport truck she noticed when it got closer. She picked up a bit at this. When it actually turned into the ranch she stood up, and dusted herself down before walking up to it.

“Now now, you wait here missy” Her dad said when she got to the truck.

She pouted a bit but did as she was told as the driver hopped out and went to the back to help her dad get the truck open and bring out what was inside. When she saw it her jaw practically dropped. It was a beautiful chestnut brown pony.
She squealed when she saw it and ran up to pet it's mane. Her dad let her do this for a few minutes as he paid the driver and closed the gate after he left before going back to Jane and the pony.

“Now, you think you can ride this?” He asked.

Jane stopped petting the pony and looked at her dad

“You bought it just so I could learn to ride?”
“It's a she not an it, but the name is up to you, and of course I bought it for you to ride silly, so don't let me down now.”

Jane flushed a bit before giving her dad a big hug and then going back to petting the pony.

“I ain't sure how I'll do, but I think I can give it a try”, she said.
“Good for you darlin', but it's gonna have to wait until tomorrow”
She pouted at him, “Awwwww but I don't wanna go to bed now”.
He patted her on the head,
“Yes, you will, but I'll do some of your work for you tomorrow, so you can spend some time with her, and then we're goin' to try ridin' again. That work for you?”

She nodded, still smiling, and started to lead the pony into the stable before heading up to bed herself.

3.
When Jane woke up the next day, she got dressed in a hurry, rushed down to the breakfast table and started eating before her dad could even talk to her.

“Whoa girl, slow down there, what's the hurry?” He said, though he had a good idea of the answer.
“I wanna go spend some time with the pony daddy”

His guess was right.

“Have you thought up a name for her yet?” He asked.
She stopped to think for a second before answering, “Not just yet, but I think if I spend some time with her I will.” With that she finished her breakfast and rushed outside after giving her dad a quick kiss on the cheek. She ran all the way to the stables and led the pony out onto one of the fields. She spent a few hours brushing its mane, talking to it, stroking it and feeding it.

Her dad came up to her, holding a saddle and reins, and he showed her how to put them on. He said that the pony would trust her more if she was the one that put it on, and it meant she was trusted if she was even allowed to put it on. She did get the saddle on, and then climbed on top of it. She wasn't as high up this time, and that made her less afraid.

The lesson went like the last one did, her dad leading her around a little with the reins so she could get used to it, and again she was less scared. Her dad passed the reins on to her and she started moving slowly at first. She went a little faster after a few minutes, and after that started going at a bit of a canter. She got a little carried away though, and ended up going faster than she thought a little pony would be able to go. She started screaming a little at first, and again her dad had to grab the reins and pull everything to a halt.

She was still crying while her dad hugged her and shushed her.

“I'm sorry I let you down daddy”, she managed to say between sobs.
Her dad just shushed her again,
“Now now, you were actually doin' really well, you just tried goin' a bit too fast. You also lasted a lot longer than you did on that last horse.”

She stopped crying a little, feeling happy that she hadn't let her dad down, and that he was proud of what she had managed to do.

“I'll get there daddy”, She promised, stroking the pony's mane. “One day I'll get there, and I'm gonna call the pony Doris”.



We've been together ever since.

How cute is that ?
Now gallop on over to Marks blog and have a read of his articles.


Thanks Mark, one day when you are a pulitzer prize winner I will really enjoy telling people that you once wrote a story for me.


Friday, 16 September 2011

phone a friend



Hey people ! I have been given a new alter ego by my blogger pal Powdered Toast Man.
I am. . . Ivonna Bangkok.
And he invited my new persona to guest over on his blog Just The Cheese. Hop on over and have a read. . . it's way more interesting then the drivel you're gonna read if you stay here today.

But if you still want to then here goes. . . .

I'm not a stupid person when it comes to intelligence, but I have a tendency to do dippy stupid things and sometimes not see the obvious until it's stared me in the face for a hour then given up and left. I often have days that are a catalogue of one disaster after another, usually quite trivial things on their own but when 447 all happen in the same day I have to wonder if it's just me.

I had this little issue last night, and when I told a mate about it the response was 'only you' and 'why am I not surprised', so I thought I'd tell my flock about it.

Just so you know what you're dealing with.

I may have mentioned once or twice that I am utter crap at getting up in the mornings nocturnal. This is fine with my job, sometimes I'm a bit late but then sometimes I stay a bit later, but there have been a couple of days when I have failed to wake up until the afternoon. My boss (who is a friend) has just laughed about it (dream job huh ?) but that doesn't mean that I don't feel bad. I do.

I need one of these to get me up.
In that respect it would be easier if I didn't work for a friend, because then I wouldn't feel like I'd let her down.
Except if I didn't I would've been fired.
Months ago.

As of this week there has been a change in her circumstances which mean that it's going to be really helpful to her if I can get in much earlier a couple of days a week. She hasn't asked but I offered as it feels like a great way to make up for all the times I've not turned up until 3pm been a little late.

Today was the first day, so I asked her to call me and wake me but to use my landline not the mobile, I use that as my alarm anyway so I know sometimes it doesn't work.
I hear it in my sleep and tell myself to ignore it, I actually remember doing that. Often.
I never use the landline - if it wasn't needed for broadband I would get rid, but with this in mind I had it in my head that I needed to call it and check it worked as Son was home last week and I could sort of recall him saying it didn't.
I forgot all about this until I was going to bed, later then I wanted to - fucking internet sucked me in again, and by this time I was knackered. So I call it from my mobile and it doesn't ring.
It's cordless but when I looked at the cradle the phone wasn't in it although the charger was plugged in, so I figure it must be the phone that rings and it's battery must be dead.

Half an hour of searching the house and I found it . . . on the pile of DVDs next to the charger.
Minus one battery.
It has special rechargeable ones so I spend another half an hour digging through all the little places it could be - even got the torch out and looked under the sofa.

Then it occurs to me that ordinary batteries might work so off I go to find some. No luck, until I remember where I do have some.
Ah well . . . there goes the bedtime treat.
I put said batteries in phone, put it on the charger and the little red light blinks. Result . . .
. . . and ring it. Still not working.
MOTHERFUCKER.

Then I wondered if I was ringing the wrong number. My sisters old number was very similar and I was forever getting them mixed up, especially as I never call my number. Except I don't have it stored on my phone and by now it's midnight and far too late to call anyone else. But I need to get the right number and text my boss so she can call me in the morning.
It's now so late and I'm so tired I KNOW I won't wake up without her doing so.


I texted Son. . . wait 15 mins. . . no reply. Knowing that he probably has his laptop on but as he lives in a shared flat has likely got his headphones in I fire up the laptop and facebook him.
Wait 15 mins. . . no reply.
The only other place I can think of to check it is the website of the phone/internet provider. I try to get on there and realise I forgot the fucking password and username.
So I have to go through the entire verification process which takes another half an hour because their stupid fucking site was running slow.
"Please be patient we are dealing with your request".
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IT'S ONE IN THE MORNING YOU PRICKS. . .
Eventually I get onto the site only to find out that the number I have been calling is the right one.
Fuck.

There is only one thing for it, I will have to stay up all night.
Sometimes I do this anyway. . . anyone who I chat to in the forums knows that, but last night I was exhausted. And when an insomniac does eventually sleep it's more like a coma.
Somewhere in my bedroom is a bottle of slimming tablets so I figure I'll dig them out and take a couple. At least when I get home from work the next day my house will be very very clean even if I'm too knackered to enjoy it.

And if get bored I can always return the batteries to the appliance I got them from.

So I decided - two hours after I was originally going to bed - that I may as well have a soak in the bath instead of a shower being as I've now got six hours to kill.
Whilst I'm laying there I was thinking about what Son had said about the phone, you know that feeling when something is nagging at your brain ?

Then I got it.
He said "It's not plugged in". I had taken that to mean the plug for the charger which was the first thing I had checked.
He meant the actual phone socket.

Duh.


This fucker.
Only I wouldn't even think to check the one thing most people would check first.
I plug it in and ring it and it works.
Great !!!
Except when I took the handset upstairs to get some sleep (at 2.30am ffs) and looked at it I realised that it actually has a built in alarm function that works independently of it being plugged in as long as it has battery charge.

Did I feel stupid.
Yeah. And very very tired.
But at least not as stupid as this person.



As you can see I left a suitable comment.

Last night I tried my own patients too.

Update: I made it to work an hour and a half earlier then usual as planned.
That is the time I'm supposed to get there usually, not the time I usually get there,





Wednesday, 17 August 2011

cowgirl presents...#2




Greetings people of Earth! If you don't know by now, Dirty Cowgirl is absent this week. Wait! don't click away just yet. A few fellow bloggers (me) have been granted the opportunity to dance in front of your eyes. I'm smart enough to know that you don't want to hear me, a DCG minion drone on too long about anything. As such, in an attempt to appeal to this brilliant, charming AND attractive audience I have composed a familiar tale on the origin of Dirty Cowgirl. If you enjoy it you might want to come on over and check out my blog for something to keep you busy until she returns.  Now, let us get on to today's entertainment. 



The Story of Dirty Cowgirl



Beneath a hollow empty,
through a decrepit hole,
beyond a glimpse of lighted land
is where it all unfurled.
Further than a memory
whence even soot and 
ash had curled,
a single note squawked weak
and muffled from a distant
underworld.


That note it hummed with
inspiration once frozen
in the rock, 
and formed itself a body,
composed of sand and snot.
That body it did harmonize
with fury and intent,
it paced through cavern valleys
and climbed up through descent.
When that form at last met sunshine
it flailed upon the earth,
and drew a breath of freedom,
a dirty cowgirl's birth.


This girl she grew through
infancy and harnessed all
her rage, 
she delicately planned a 
course for when she came
of age.
she carried many weapons,
most were wary of her whip
but fools they found out quick to
fear the cracking of her lip.


a wall of sound
a shriek profane, 
enveloped every utterance,
her aural assault 
laid bodies out 
and put them in an ambulance.


her loves?
tattoos 
and shoes
and booze
and psychedelic drugs
her fear?
invasion 
from the sky
by hostile
alien slugs.


she's a theif
not a liar,
a convenient crier
whenever it suits her 
need,
to escape Scott free
with a box of choclates
from a Woolworth's STD.


sucking on a lemon 
truly makes her feel alive,
stuck in suspended animation
she's forever 25.


Thanks for reading everybody, here's hoping for a quick and safe return of Dirty Cowgirl.
Drone
.
http://dronetalker.blogspot.com/



Friday, 17 June 2011

cowgirl presents . . . .#1

Dear Readers,
Today I have a surprise for you, a very special guest poster.
May I present Mr Flip aka flipaul. . . .

I am not Dirty Cowgirl. I am Mr. flip and I will be your substitute blogger for the day.
But, don't think you can just do whatever you want because your regular blogger isn't here. Oh? She already lets you do whatever you want? Carry on then; but pay attention 'cause there's a test later.

The reason I am blogging on Dirty's site today is because she asked me to. (And by that, I mean I begged her non-stop for weeks, until she finally gave in. Kinda like my high school dating career). I think there are several reasons she finally agreed. One is, we have both recently written blogs on home improvement; she hung a TV crookedly and I built a cat poop patio.

The other reason, I think, is because I am an idiot. Fantastically, amazingly stupid.
Why would she let an idiot post on her site? Once you, her readers, see how good you have it you will never complain about anything she writes about again. And also because it should be entertaining, like drunken clown hookers hitting each other with hot dogs. (For you vegetarians, hitting each other with lobsters.)

So yes. I am an idiot, and I do home improvement, AND I am writing a book about it. Think about it, there are so many books for dummies or idiots. But none, by an idiot. Who understands an idiot better than an idiot? Nobody. And, I'm tired of all those obviously smart people, writing books telling us idiots what to do. No more I say! No more of your patron..azing ising. NO MORE of your looking down on us.

Instructions to follow. . . they come ready for self assembly.
So I am going to write "The Idiot Builds Some Stuffs And Fixes Some Other Stuffs", I think it's gonna be big. If for no other reason than it's going to be big. I am going to have some tools in there. A metal thing that you hit stuff with, and possibly some pointy screw turning things.
I plan on having chapters in my book.
In one chapter I will tell you how beer bottles, 2x4's and duck tape can make an excellent entertainment center or a couch. But be careful, that you put the beer bottles upside down or you might have to go to the emergency room, and nobody believes that you "accidentally sat on a beer bottle", and it's even more embarrassing if you have to take the bus. So trust me, UPSIDE DOWN.

This person did not follow the advice given.

In another chapter, I will talk about plumbing, I plan on calling it the Plumbing Chapter. In this chapter I will attempt to get across to the readers, that if you light yourself on fire with your torch, it is really unpleasant. Really, super unpleasant. You shouldn't do it.
As a matter of fact, if you have plumbing problems, you should probably just move. There will be lots of other good advice in this book. If it is successful I plan on writing other books, a dating book maybe, and I have also always been interested in home surgery as a hobby.

An example of a failed attempt at DIY home plumbing.
I enjoyed this, maybe she'll let me do it again. Not a bleeping chance?


Funny isn't he ?
Now go read and follow his hilarious blog HILL BLOCKS VIEW !!
And Flip you are welcome here anytime . . . . saves me the bother of keeping the flock entertained.