blind date

Last night was the first episode of what is probably going to be my new favourite TV programme.
It is called "The Undateables" and follows people with disabilities who are using a dating agency to look for love.
Very entertaining, and also quite thought provoking.
I was a bit uncomfortable with the title of the show, by itself it does rather suggest that if you have some kind of impairment then nobody will want to date you, but that much redeems itself as the opening credits show a sign with the word undateable but the "un" falls off.

So I'm prepared to overlook that.

Of course viewers will tune in for the same reasons they watch anything about those with physical imperfections, and those are not always good.
Voyeurism, amusement, mocking the subjects. . .
But at the same time if it raises any kind of awareness that makes people realise that having something different about you does not mean you don't want or deserve the same things as the rest of us, then that can only be a good thing.
In last nights show there were three adults featured, a young woman who had a genetic condition that causes brittle bones, uses a wheelchair to get about and is only 3 feet tall, and two men, one of whom has Aspergers and the other has Tourettes.
I don't really think the dating agency did well with the first two, because both were paired up with people who were also disabled. The girl was sent on a date with a man who also used a wheelchair, although we saw his pictures on the agency, none showed him in the chair. The man with Aspergers was sent on two dates, the first with a woman who also had learning difficulties and the second with a French woman whose accent was so thick that when he asked her what her hobby was and she said rowing it sounded like hoeing. Ooops.
Why assume that a person with a disability wants to date another ?
I find that slightly patronising.

(If you want to see the programme you can watch it on Channel4 OD)

I suppose there are a lot of people who would not even bother to look at a persons profile if there was something physically wrong with them, and that's the bit that really got me thinking.
Would I date someone in a wheelchair ?
Or deaf ?
Or an amputee ?
Would you ? I'm not talking about a situation where perhaps someone you are already involved with becomes disabled, or even where you get to know a person before dating enters the picture. But how would you react if you were maybe out in the pub with some friends and a person in a wheelchair approaches you and starts to chat ?
How about a dating site, would you even bother to read about the person if the picture showed them in a wheelchair ?

I have to be honest and say that I don't think I would.
I could justify that, I can say that there are things that I want to be able to do with a potential partner that a person who couldn't walk would not be able to do.
But really that's just an excuse, and one that I know might not even be true. I have a friend who uses a wheelchair and she has a far more active busy life then I do, the woman is amazing and she has never let her disability stop her from doing anything - other then walk.
But that also got me wondering if the same applies to disabled people ? Would they do the same, the girl in the show said that she found tall men attractive and it would be nice to date someone who wasn't also impaired. There are many more things you can have in common with someone then getting around on wheels, and if you both had mobility issues you might well find things more problematic then if it's just one of you.

I have nothing but admiration for the people in that programme, dating is enough of a minefield for those of us who have nothing more to worry about then our height, weight or age, and some of us might just maybe tell a little white lie about that.
I suppose if you have an obvious problem it will at least weed out the potential dates who are instantly turned off by it straight away. Maybe in that regard those people actually have an advantage over the rest of us because only those genuinely interested in getting to know them will apply. But if that was me I would not want to be dating only other disabled people. I'd be worried that they were just dating me as they thought we had to settle for each other, and I'd also want to make it very clear that I was looking for a lover not a carer because that might well be what some able bodied people would think.

Just because you're impaired in one way doesn't make you exempt from the laws of attraction, just like everyone else you need to fancy the person you're dating.

And if your problem is related to your thinking, as it is with Aspergers, then good luck trying to understand the opposite sex.
It's hard enough for the rest of us.

But while I can totally understand how difficult it is for disabled people to get out and meet potential partners in the world at large, I don't necessarily think they are going to fare any better using dating sites.
Based upon my experience of them I always wondered about all their claims of high success rates. Whether some of the people who use them have actually reached a point in life where they are willing to make a lot of compromises about who they choose as a partner, or maybe I'm just way to fussy.

Are there actually a lot of far more desperate people out there then anyone realises ?
I'd like to find someone, but I'm not holding my breath and I'm not desperate. Yet. Maybe it's about how happy you are in life in general, and how much of that happiness depends on having a partner, and I think that's a very individual thing. But I guess if you want it that much then you might just be prepared to settle for Mr or Mrs Almost Right.
I'm still holding out for Mr Perfect.

And if you want to see proof of how desperate some people can get. . .
Ages ago, one night when bored, I made a ridiculous fake profile on a dating site. It gave you the option of completing an "interview" rather then writing the entire thing so that's what I did.
This a copy/paste of it . . .


Introduction
I think my profile and interview just about says it all really, honestly can't understand why I'm still single - beats me. And how am I supposed to know what I'm looking for ? Half the time I don't remember who I am, never mind whatever it is I'm supposed to have lost ?? I'm getting confused now so I'll just answer the questions.
Interview
What do you like most about where you currently live?
There aren't any bars on the windows.
What do you enjoy most about your current job?
What job ? I'm quite happy on the social and the odd five finger discount when times are hard, ain't got a problem if you have one tho...(as long as you're not a policeman a store detective or a social worker).
What are your favourite leisure activities?
Digging huge holes in my garden so the neighbours can complain. Crack - don't mind the odd bit of brown either.
Where in the world are your favourite places?
Bed, pub, Holloway prison wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
Where in the world would you love to visit?
Iraq, I hear its very hot and I can't wait to go topless sunbathing now I've had the implants. I'm hoping to get up to Broadmoor too, as I haven't seen my dad for years, hopefully he'll be allowed visitors soon.
What would you do on an ideal date?
f**k
But only if I'm having a very bad day, it helps with the anger issues.
What are you looking for in a partner?
Money & girth, ideally also a fireman under 25, but would settle for 26/27.
What makes a good relationship?
A quiet, horny, rich, hunky, obedient man.
What makes you laugh?
Me, mostly and when people win a penny on deal or no deal - highlight of my week.
What music do you like?
Trash metal, happy hardcore & Doris Day.
What has been the highlight of your life so far?
Getting out of prison after so long.
What are you looking forward to in the future?
Getting my boiler fixed, I haven't showered for two weeks. Are there any single plumbers on here ?
Personal Details
I am looking for friendship.
My eye colour wasn't listed as an option.
My hair wasn't listed as an option.
My body type wasn't listed as an option.
My height is greater than 7' 00" / 213cm.
My ethnic origin is Chinese.
My particular politics were not listed as an option.
My current employment situation wasn't listed as an option.
My income is confidential.
I'm a heavy drinker.
I'm a heavy smoker..
I follow a special diet which wasn't listed as an option.
I am disabled
I am Jewish.
I sometimes practise my religion.
I have children (living at home).
I don't want to have more children.
I neither own nor rent my home.
I live with parents.

I forgot about it for ages, but then a month or so later I remembered and went to check.
I'd received 62 responses.
A few were laughing, but most wanted to know more about me.
One guy had sent a message asking if I needed a plumber as he lived nearby.
And another had said,
"Well I think I've finally found someone as crazy and unhinged as myself. Isn't it great being different".
I replied,
"What are you saying ? I'm not crazy, I have copies of assessments to prove that. I don't want to be seen as different anymore, I've lived my whole life with people pointing the finger, now I just want to blend in and be seen as normal, that's one of the reasons why I'd like to find a boyfriend".
He never did get back to me.

Every once in a while I go back and check and there is always a message or a "wink" waiting.

So yeah, I wish those people luck. I think they're going to need it, and not because of their problems.
And I can't wait for next weeks episode.

And to any of my real life friends who read this, if you see me hanging about outside a synagogue wearing 8inch heels, dark glasses and carrying a rolled up newspaper just walk on by and pretend you don't know me.

found it

Ever get the feeling you are being watched ?

As I'm sure I've said before, although I kind of have what some people might regard as spiritual beliefs I have never believed in God. The idea of some white haired kindly old fella sat on a cloud watching over us is just the stuff of fairy tales and myth to me. And if there was some all knowing omnipresence directing us from on high then considering the fucked up shit that happens in this world he (or she for that matter) can hardly be what you'd call benevolent.

But I have just looked at my feedjit and seen this :

Fucking hell. Someone from 'God' has looked at this blog.
I checked the stats and they came here direct too, no typing of "man fucks steak", "I need kinky sex in Goa" or "anal gadget" brought them here.
And yes, those are actual keywords from the last week.
Is there a name for people who have sex with food ? I don't want to know.
Maybe 'God' was checking up on the perverts of the world and figured LAWAFM was a good place to start. And if he or she looked at the search keywords I can understand why that mistake was made, but I am a little bit worried in case I am now going to hell.

Yeah, as if I wasn't headed there long before I even had the internet never mind a blog.
Ah well, in for a penny in for a pound. One of the things I brought back from India was some Viagra to sell, you can buy it for next to nothing over there but the tablets go for a fiver each in the UK. I'm not one to pass up the chance to make some easy money, and it's not actually illegal unlike the bag of weed I brought back from Jamaica so why the hell not.

A couple of years ago I belonged to an 'adult' dating site. That is, a dating site where people are actually upfront that they just want a shag, as opposed to 'proper' dating sites where they pretend they are single/fifteen years younger/looking for a long term relationship.
(One day I will write about the disasters experiences I had there).
There are a couple of guys I met there who I knew would buy some Viagra. I rejoined the site, found their profiles and left a message. You can't leave an email or phone number - the site filters them out, so I've been checking back every couple of days for their reply.
One of the guys got back to me in the week and said he would be online Friday night, in the 'live' chat you can give an email if you're creative..."sexy and. Horny. (all one word) Find me at the live one in UK"... so I log in to talk to him.
Which means I'm showing as online for ages, so I keep getting other fellas trying to chat.

Of course I'm gonna take a look at their profiles aren't I ?

And then I got a 'wink' from this. . . .

warning : do not scroll down if you are eating or of a weak disposition




*big enough gap to read the disclaimer before you see it*




ready ??

YOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT ?
Bear in mind this is essentially a "find a fuck buddy" site, you would think a person would want to show themselves in the best physical way possible.
Maybe he thinks as we both obviously consider our tits to be our best feature we'll have something in common ? Nice tan you got around the neck there mate too, and no you aint gonna see mine.

Apparently his wife knows he's on the site as her "illness" means they can no longer have sex. More like she's sick of him trying to climb on top of her and his waistline is the real reason. I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out that it was her idea he join the fucking thing in the first place.
There was a message attached to the 'wink' that asked if I fancied a chat, I ignored it but then he messaged me again saying "I take it you don't want to chat".
Red.Rag.Bull.
"No, sorry, but I have a rule. Never talk to men with tits bigger then mine."

I might start visiting that site more often. I have a feeling there will be some glorious blog posts from it.

Or I could arrange to meet people and take one of these along with me on the dates.

That, my friends, is an ANTI-RAPE CONDOM.
I kid you not.
It is 'worn' in a vagina, and once penetrated can only be surgically removed, otherwise the spines inside it will rip the outside of your penis to shreds.
Someone sent me this picture, and I have to say it's quite possibly one of the most thought provoking things I've seen in a long time.
For a start, can you imagine living somewhere where the chances of getting raped are so high that you even need to consider wearing one ? Just doesn't bear thinking about does it. Such places do exist of course (it's things like this that only confirm my ideas about god) and apparently it was developed for use in Africa. I watched a documentary a while ago about Rwanda and what happened out there, but I'm sure in other parts of the world those things occur too.

But of course then my brain went off on it's own warped little tangent.
Going out ?
Keys. Check.
Purse. Check.
Mobile. Check.
Anti-rape condom. Check.

I know what I was like when I first got my can of Mace - (It's illegal in the UK, get caught with it and you will be charged with carrying an offensive weapon, so a mate brought it back from France) - I was walking down the road at night positively HOPING that someone would try and start trouble with me 'cos I was just dying to spray some fucker with it.
Keys. Check.
Anti-rape condom.Check.
VERY Short skirt. Check.
High heels. Check.
Slutty make-up.Check.
Enough vodka to make me look like an easy target. Check.
Yeah come on ! Rape me and see what you get you motherfucker !

And then there's that whole thing about a woman scorned. . . .
Found out your fellas been cheating ? Here's a way to make damn sure he never does it again. I know a thing or two about revenge and the lengths some women will go to. We've all got a bit of an inner psycho floating around inside us somewhere, now you can fully express that by letting it loose (no pun intended) in your vagina.

As my best mate is very fond of saying NEVER underestimate the power of the pussy.

And talking of animals I went to the shop with my friends six year old son yesterday ( I have been helping her sort out her house, as they are going away for a six month break to visit family abroad ) and there was a very friendly large dog tied up outside. He stopped to pet the dog for a bit.
So we are in the long slow moving queue in the shop and he says.
"I like that dog Cowgirl, I'd like to take it home with me"
"Well you can't, it belongs to someone, and anyway you're going away for a long time"
"I'll take it with me"
"How are you going to do that"
"I can pack it in my case"
"But it will bark"
"I'll do something to it to make it keep quiet...."
"But it will still wriggle"
"Then I'll tie it up so it can't move"
"Ok, so you're going to tie it up and gag it, stuff it in a suitcase and smuggle it. I think you will get caught and be in a lot of trouble with the police and the RSPCA".
He then got distracted by a display of chocolate for a bit, and was chatting to another little lad in the queue, which was still moving very slowly. Why do shops only have one cashier at the busiest times ? After a while he says,
"When we leave I'm gonna see that dog again and take it."
"I doubt it will still be there, we've been in here a very long time"
"I bet it is, in fact (he nods towards the man behind us in the queue) I bet it's that man's dog"
"Ask him"
"Excuse me, is that big black and white dog outside yours"
"Yeah (laughing) as a matter of fact it is"
At this he turns to me with a very self satisfied look that says I was right and you were wrong. But I had the last laugh because I explained to him that as the dog did indeed belong to the man behind us, that meant that he had heard all about the plan to steal his dog and stuff it in a suitcase.
Luckily the fella thought this was as hilarious as I did.

I think I might be back.

There were other reasons apart from the post holiday chill that occupied my thoughts.
Last Saturday we lost one of our much loved cats, and this week I have been composing possibly the most difficult post I have ever had to write.
It wasn't for this blog, but I think that I needed to get that done before I could return to normal service over here. You might remember the post I wrote ages ago about a blogger friend who was having a tough time, what I didn't say in that post was that she had a brain tumour.
I returned from India to the news that she had died, and the post I have been working on is the final one for her blog, as her sister very kindly asked me to write it, it's done now and I am very happy with the way it's turned out.
I feel like I needed to do that for her.
This blogging world we inhabit is like a separate little universe (although apparently 'god' still watches it), we form our own little communities around groups of blogs and forums, and one of mine was in mourning and tasked me with laying a blog to rest.
And as with those we lose in real life I guess you can't begin to move on until you've done that.

But yeah. . . .bring it on !!!

And now I have about a thousand blogs posts to catch up on reading.

who do you love

Yesterday I finally got round to watching a TV documentary I had recorded about a couple in America and their family. They have two adopted sons (from a previous relationship of one of them) and a baby that is their own. The programme was about their struggles having moved from a small close community to a new city, their wider families, children, and the fact that they had decided to have another baby.

What was unusual about them was that although they considered themselves to be a gay male couple both had begun life as females. One had undergone full gender reassignment surgery but the other had not and so was able to have their child naturally.
They were able to marry because only one of them had full surgery so legally they were a man and a woman.
It got me wondering what if the other person decided to have genital surgery ?

Would they then be forced to divorce or their marriage be annulled ?
That doesn’t seem right to me.

These people clearly loved each other, they were raising three children and planning another. The adopted sons would’ve been taken into care if they hadn’t stepped up for them as their mother was unable to look after them properly. One of the boys was autistic and anyone who knows anything about that will realise that these two took on more then a lot of people would voluntarily cope with.

So why should it matter what gender they are.
Surely the important thing is being a good parent.
And clearly they were.

In the UK same sex couples can have a Civil Ceremony.
Why the fuck can’t they call it a marriage ?
Probably because it offends the fucking church.
At least they are allowed to have their partnership recognised and I suppose that’s progress, but I guess if you’re in the USA the laws must be different depending upon which state you live in.
I once watched a programme about a part of America where you can legally marry your horse. And no, not Jerry Springer - this was a serious documentary.

Although I recently saw an episode of that about a brother and sister who were openly living as a couple and planning to marry and have kids.
Now that IS wrong - and surely must be against the law. It is here.
Unless you want kids with three eyes and twelve fingers.

I realise that my knowledge here is rather limited.
I should probably go and Google all this before spouting off, but from the little I do know it does seem to me that the law is rather vague, and acceptance is often a matter of geography whatever your preference for a partner or yourself. If not everywhere will allow you to be legally recognised as your chosen gender if that happens to be different to the way you were born, if you’re born male but change to female are you still unable to marry a man or vice versa ?
Or do you have to have a civil ceremony - even though you and your partner are different sexes.

It must be confusing enough having to live life different to how you feel you are inside, but it would seem that correcting a mistake of nature sometimes then creates a whole new set of problems aside from any prejudice.

Personally I disagree with labelling people - whatever that’s for. Be it gender, sexuality, nationality, disability, whatever - the problem with giving someone a label is that people then think of them in terms of the stereotype associated with it.
I have a friend who although openly gay is not at all camp. There is absolutely nothing about him that gives it away, if you have a gaydar he‘ll break it, he has been accused of not being ‘a proper gay’. Wtf ? Just because he just doesn’t fit the stereotype for a gay man. What clever cunt decided what that should be anyway.

Seriously, in a world that is finally recognising that the complexities of human sexuality go way beyond gay and straight, and that there is more to gender then male and female, surely those labels are becoming less relevant then ever.

I think it’s about time that we were all just thought of as people.
And allowed to marry whoever we choose to love.

As long as we don’t share parents and have less then four legs.

i know nothing

I like to think I’m quite open minded.

I don’t have any inhibitions when it comes to bedroom activities and I’ve had more then my fair share of wild moments. There have been plenty of times when I’ve been talking with friends and the subject turns to sex, which I have no issues talking about either, and I’ll say something about one of my adventures that without my meaning to shocks them.
When it comes to fantasies my attitude has always been that if the thought of something turns me on then I may as well do it. You should at least try it once, if you don’t like it then you don’t have to do it again but if you do…well…happy days.

There’s no harm in adding to your repertoire, doesn’t make me a slut just means I’m adventurous.

But anyway earlier today I saw a gadget called the Human Sex Map on another blog, and all I can say is clearly I must of actually led a fairly sheltered life.
I’ve never been remotely inclined to indulge in anything gross involving shit or animals but compared to a lot  of people I’ve spoken to I thought I was fairly liberated, (or maybe I just have no problem admittng it ) but I saw things on this map I’ve never heard of.
So of course I googled them.
Be rude not to.

Angry Dragon ?…yeah I’d be fucking furious and Dirty Sanchez isn’t just a TV programme.

Meet the Fuckzall....DIY anyone ?

I’ve tried the whole cyber sex/webcam thing, it didn’t do much for me, you’re still on your own wanking and honestly I think I’d rather watch porn, well at least they’re good looking.
Well as long you don’t put the words Ron and Jeremy in the search bar.
But apparently there is something called Telidonics, in my head I now have an image of a USB vibrator but I don’t thinks that’s quite it. 

Are you familiar with the term Abasiophilia ? Apparently it applies to people who have a fetish for users of orthopaedic devices such as leg braces or even wheelchairs.

Does your partner have a habit of leaving things on the stairs where you’re liable to trip ?
Is he or she a reckless driver, ever found yourself thinking that they are going to have an accident if they don’t slow down.

Yeah, I’d be worried.

The Violet Wand - reminds me of the dentist.

I watched a TV programme a while ago about men who are into Real Dolls, I thought it was hilarious, strange and also quite sad. Men who are so desperate for female company and yet for whatever reason don’t have a real woman.
They treat these dolls like they’re people though, they don’t deflate once they’re done with them they take them for days out or position them in front of the telly.

Weird Huh ? But I looked up Natori Masks and it seems some folk get off on wearing masks that make them look like they’re dolls.
Ever heard of Dacrynalgia ?
No, me neither but apparently there are people out there who are turned on by women crying. Each to his own but family funerals must be interesting.
I bet their friends all think they’re wonderful people too…”oh Steve, yeah he’s such a good friend, always willing to let you cry on his shoulder “.

Anyway I'm off to see if I can find a grope box and a monkey rocker on ebay, if you want to get your own map.... and you know you do - here’s the link. Human Sex Map
Enjoy !
 Update : Re, Real Dolls...someone just sent me this on facebook - omfg !　
Purely platonic ? yeah, until the missus goes to bingo.
Look out for the boss eyed one, fucking hilarious.

And if any of them get broken and lose a leg I suppose he could always advertise them on an abasiophiliac site, there's bound to be one.

the joy of sex ?

A couple of hilarious and quite contradictory things I've found while trawling the internet.

Reasons to be very glad that I am living now and not then.

So ladies have you mastered the art of looking welcoming but not obvious ?
At least you don't need the wonderbra and suspenders. Personally I'm wondering what the more 'unusual' practises were.
I'm guessing anything that the woman might've enjoyed.

No wonder women always look so fucking miserable when you see pictures from then. Well it sounds Victorian but it's from the early 60s - which is when I was born.
How times have changed and thank fuck they did.

And then there's this......
A Japanese catalogue from around the same time as the other article.
The translation only adds to the joy.

"............then she will never seperate from you"
No, not without medical help.

I suppose they at least cared about a woman enjoying sex, even it meant she was going to be confronted by a man wearing something that resembled a medieval torture implement and intending to give her unexplainable feelings.


Now where's my rabbit.