Saturday Strangeness

In the country with the biggest obesity problem on the planet, 11,500 turn up to watch 2 people get weighed. I wonder how many burgers they got through between them?

A welcome relief from the election campaign, instead of talking about a posh bloke, Labour and what the outcome will be, we can talk about a posh bloke, labour and what the outcome will be.

The boxing match in LA will generate over £250m. You'd like to think that some of it would find its way to Nepal. I hope that some of the folk who spend £30-60k to climb Everest would think it more worthwhile to spend that money saving Nepali lives.

Availability

What do we mean by 'reliable'? I forget the source now, it may have been one of Tim Chesters excellent  books on culture and mission, but one insight has really stuck with me. It's the difference between two sorts of availability.

People like me, with diaries, watches, appointments etc., work on chronologial availability: we agree to be in x place at y time, and we are. (Mind you, those who know me and work with me might observe that I'm frequently a few minutes late, but that's another issue). We book things into the diary, that's how we organise our availability.

Or there is emotional availability: the person who is always there when you need them, but don't expect them to agree to a cup of tea a fortnight on Monday. Availability is organised around need, relationships, family and the present moment; rather than schedule, priorities and ordered time.

To the latter, the former group might seem a bit distant, standoffish, over-busy. To the former, the latter might seem a bit chaotic, unreliable, high maintenance - needing to be reminded about meetings and appointments.

Chronological availability is more typical of middle class culture, but will come more naturally to people of a certain personality type (yes, Myers-Briggs again, I'm a 'J' - i.e. a natural planner/organiser/strategist), emotional availability is perhaps more typical of working class culture, (or the Myers-Briggs 'P', go-with-the-flow type)

All too often, people start a conversation with me with 'sorry, I know you're busy....', I wonder if that's to do with all of this, or the fact that I tend to whizz around at high speed a lot of the time. Perhaps that's the nature of this role, with over 200 church members, double that (at least) of community/'fringe' contacts, never mind friends and family. I'm aware of relationships which struggle because the two partners work with different types of availability, and the mindset of the other seems deliberately contrary, rather than just a different way of being available.

Jesus seemed to manage both, he was emotionally/spiritually available in the moment - the blind man at Jericho, the woman in the crowd - but also managed his time and his priorities ('let us go to the other villages, for I must preach there also').

A challenge in church leadership, and in discipleship generally, is how to blend the two. Being on time for a meeting is just as much about caring for and valuing people as being on the other end of the phone when they need you.

Food Standards Agency: Announcement

Immediate recall: the memo released last night announcing that the following items now classify as 'foreign food'

Porridge oats (and derivatives: oatcakes, flapjack)
Haggis
Whisky
Salmon
Broth
Shortbread
Anything on the menu at an Angus steak house

PS: on a separate issue 'pulled beef' does not refer to cattle slaughtered within a few hours of someone buying them a drink at a nightclub

Usain Bolt's Life Lessons

What a dream job: watching sport  all the time and calling it scientific study. An article in the European Journal of Physics (how many EU commissioners can you fit on the head of a pin?) examines the physics of Usain Bolt, and came to this startling discovery:

The team calculated that Bolt's maximum power occurred when he was less than one second into the race and was only at half his maximum speed. This demonstrates the near immediate effect of drag, which is where air resistance slows moving objects.

They also discovered less than 8% of the energy his muscles produced was used for motion, with the rest absorbed by drag.

92% of his energy is expended simply overcoming drag. 

Which made me wonder if a similar proportion applies in other fields of life. If from all that effort that Bolt puts in, just under 1/12th goes in forward motion, then what's the proportion for, say, parenting? Leading a church? Community development? Trying to get fit? Growing in character? 

If life feels like a drag, then perhaps that instinct is scientifically correct, and it literally is. Unless we're competing at altitude with a following wind (metaphor alert?), then we may end up wondering why every bit of effort we put in doesn't immediately translate into a result. But if 9% or more does, then we're doing better than Usain. 

Eurokey Cokey

A disharmony in several parts:

Clegg:  You Put Your Whole Self In

Farage: You Put Your Whole Self Out

Cameron: In? Out? In? Out?

Ed: Um

Ed (the other one): That's not fair!

All: You do the Eurokey Cokey and you turn around, barely noticing that voters have lots more important things on their minds.

Cameron: That's what it's all about, well it is today anyway, well when I say today I mean 2017, we're on the side of people who frown hard and want to get re-elected. I mean, work hard and want to get on.

Conservative MPs: Hear hear hear hear hear hear sack him.

Punctuating Julian of Norwich: new insights revealed

Deeper research into various ancient mystical writings has revealed a new side to some of our favourite spiritual sayings.

Julian of Norwich, celebrated in various places yesterday, is famous for her visions and words of wisdom. Most quoted, perhaps, is "all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well."

But so much, of course, depends on context. As Julian was illiterate herself, there is the chance that the saying has been wrongly transcribed, especially with regard to punctuation. Instead, Mother Julian is newly revealed as patron saint of the vague and indecisive generalisation, a perfect role model for Anglicans everywhere:

"All manner of things shall be, well.... all manner of things shall be, well...... and all manner of things shall be, well......"

Meanwhile parallel research elsewhere in Europe uncovers more ancient truths. "Preach the gospel at all times, use words if necessary" is commonly ascribed to St. Francis. In other words, St. Francis never said it, but an otherwise questionable idea gains specious credibility and profundity by being linked with a dead mystic who can't answer back.

Again, there is suspicion of both a transcription error, and later additions the original text. Source critics, working on the accepted academic premise that modern scholars have a deeper insight into the message of historic figures than the historic figures themselves, suggest that the original saying was:

"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words."

The addition of 'if necessary' and revision of punctuation looks like a later textual addition by universalists and people who've lost confidence in speaking about Jesus, dateable to the late 20th and early 21st century.

How To Fix Everything

We must have a :

• full public enquiry,
• an independent judicial review,
• a select committee report,
• an internal review,
• an external preview,
• a police investigation
• a poll of Daily Mail readers
• a Twitter hashtag
• a text exchange with a representative of Rupert Murdoch

to work out which of the above options is the most effective in getting things sorted out. Then we need one of those into everything else:

• the banking crisis
• politicians
• journalists
• supermarkets
• Lords reform
• the Euro
• the omission of David Beckham from the Olympic team
• the omission of Seb Coe from the Olympic team
• why an event devoted to sporting excellence, physical activity and health has a giant Macdonalds in the middle of the site.
• why Andy Murray only ever gets to the semis at Wimbledon
• the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey
• who ate all the pies?
• the weather
• where be yon blackbird to? (an ancient Somerset riddle)

and then everything will be fine. The British public demand it, and we won't settle for anything less.

Jesus Christ, Masterchef

Considering he spent most of his working life in the building trade, Jesus seems to have turned out as a decent cook. I'm not sure his judgement of quantities was quite so good - perhaps that's why he needed people like Matthew and Judas around, with an eye for detail and cost.

Wedding at Cana - great wine, but late on in the feast, and far too much for the guests to get through.

Feeding of the 5000 - 'they all ate and were satisfied' and there were still 12 baskets of leftovers.

Breakfast by the lake in John 21 - Jesus cooks breakfast for the disciples, invites them to come and join him, but still needs 'some of the fish that you've caught'.

This cavalier attitude to food spills over into the parables: banquets are ordered and prepared before the guest list is fully known, fatted calves are slaughtered for waster relatives. And, like the Tiger Who Came to Tea, Jesus didn't have a problem inviting himself to people's houses for dinner (Zaccheus) or inviting the disciples to turn up with no food in strange places on his account and expect to be fed (Luke 10).

All completely irresponsible. Doesn't he know there's a recession on?

Cabinet Reshuffle

Details of David Camerons 1st cabinet reshuffle are leaking out. This is due to be the first Austerity Reshuffle - the idea is to save stationary reprinting costs by replacing Cabinet members with people with the same surname.

Teresa May will be replaced at the Home Office by James May, who will take personal charge of overseeing baggage checks at Heathrow. Independent analysts estimate this will increase the average waiting time to 7 hours.

Phil Hammond will be replaced at Defence by Richard Hammond. Army assault training will now take place on the Total Wipeout course, which as well as being more demanding, is in Argentina, will send the right messages about the Falklands after that Olympic ad.

Ken Clarke will be replaced at Justice by Jeremy Clarkson. Plans to reduce the prison population by taking prisoners outside and shooting them in front of their families have run into problems - the army has no money left to buy bullets as the entire budget has been spent repairing crashed vehicles (see Defence).

Nick Clegg will be replaced as Deputy Prime Minister by Steve Legg, an escapologist. His challenge will be to escape from the coalition whilst remaining alive as a political force.

George Osborne will replaced as Chancellor by Ozzy Osbourne. This is part of the diversification policy within the cabinet: replace an upper class millionaire with a working class millionaire. The 2013 budget will include a guitar solo.

Ed Davey will be replaced by Steve Davies. Levels of interest will remain roughly unchanged.

David Cameron will be replaced by James Cameron, a man who knows all about sinking ships.

Given the recent history of the Labour leadership, it will be difficult for them to attack the principles behind the reshuffle. Instructions during any Commons exchanges are for Coalition MP's to all point at Douglas Alexander and mutter 'who's the Danny?'

Life on Mars series 3

Strikes
Coalition government
Fuel price rises
Freak weather
Recession
Inflation
Queens Jubilee
Disappearing Lords
War in Syria

It's like the 1970s all over again. Am I mad, in a coma, or back in time?

Mathematical Geek Day

Later today it will be 12:12 on 1.2.12. I'm beside myself with excitement. But it's only a dry run for the 12th December.

If only the CofE would publish a special prayer for the occasion.

An Apple A Day Gives the Gospel Away

ILoved
IBorn
IFall
IMmanuel
IKneel
ISaved
IGlad

All through one app (amazing prince of peace).

Ten Random Beliefs

I've been tagged by Sam Norton in the following challenge:

Post a collection of 10 things you believe, ethical, philosophical or theological. You choose how much to connect them or make them coherent: do you want people to know where you belong, or do you want to mix and match to keep them guessing? I encourage you not to aim for a totally coherent credal statement of faith, and I also encourage you to put one or two in about controversial topics.

If you want, tag three other people whose beliefs you think you’d like to read about.

1. God is there, and he has spoken.
2. God is probably less bothered about sex than we think he is, but that doesn't mean he's not bothered at all.
3. The church has a future, but that doesn't mean that every church denomination has a future.
4. The primary calling of the church is mission.
5. I shall probably change one of these beliefs in the next few years, but not sure which one.
6. The greatest challenge to the church at the moment is discipleship, the quality of Christian life among professed Christians.
7. The Christian faith will never be able to rely on the mainstream media, broadcast, printed or online, for a decent presentation of what we are about.
8. Marriage between a man and a woman is God's good intention for the core of human family life.
9. There is no sacred/secular divide: there is more genuine spirituality in rock music and modern art than in many things which carry the name 'Christian'.
10. The collapse of the 'Christian' book and music market might be a good thing, as there is far too much substandard stuff out there, and too much marketing of gimmicky franchises (the power of a praying... etc.)

I tag.... well, anyone else who wants to have a go!

#fail Race, NHS versus the Home Office

Following my grammatically challenged letter from the Home Office (see yesterdays post), my discharge letter from the local hospital arrived today. Not only did it have the wrong diagnosis, it was sent to the wrong surgery. Getting very worried about having to go back there for my hernia op, in case they give me a heart transplant by mistake.

For the record, most of my poor experiences in the NHS this last week are down to management, not medical specialists. Most, but not all.

What's going on with Technorati?

Not that I notice these things, but in the past week my Technorati 'authority' (number of other sites linking here in the last 90 days) has dropped like a stone, and my ranking seems to vary by several hundred thousand depending on which way the wind is blowing at the time. Maybe they're all getting a bit overloaded. It looks like links from the sidebars of other blogs (like the ones down the right hand side here) aren't being counted any more.


Technorati are also doing a 'state of the blogosphere' to find out who blogs, why, and how long for. Click the link to take part. Quite a lot of questions, not quite sure I have anything informed to say about blogging and the US election, but there you go - an ignorant opinion counts for as much in the survey as a well-informed one.

Luck, or.....?

I love the bit with the bank robbers. I'm sure this must raise an interesting theological question, depending on whether you believe in luck, providence, or something else.

Name Change?

Thinking about a change of name for the blog come September. Ideas considered so far:

Fool for the Fire
Between Yeovil and the C of E
Idiot in the Global Village
More to Life than Blogging
Character Limit
Flintoff's Knee (sore, overworked, but vital)
The Church Cat
40th Article
By All Means
Subliminal Message
Balaams Elbow
BritVic
Pseudonym
Organ Failure

do shout if any of these are taken....thought not.

I looked over Jordan....

This is possibly the moment yesterday when Katie Price remembered where she was.

Judging by the other photos of the event, the centre of Yeovil was pretty busy for the royal visit. Still, there might just have been room to park your bike.

We happened to be in town yesterday, but not for the book signing, and noticed a headline in OK magazine for August (like you do) which said 'Katie Price explodes'. It wouldn't come as a shock.

Breaking News: Nobody Quit the Government Today

But it's only 10.45pm, 75 minutes to go. Anything could happen.

Marmite Jesus

I always knew Marmite was good, but not that it was this good.

Story here. Of course this all raises some serious theological questions. Unfortunately, not the obvious one - 'if I spread it on my toast, is that like taking communion?' or the fact that, if you look at it upside down, it bears a passing resemblance to the Amnesty International logo.