THE SEASON

Imaginary Garden With Real Toads--d'Verse Poets Pub

It only means something if you have a warm place to lay your head
It only means something if you are no longer numb
It only means something if there is someone
It only means something if that someone means something
It only means something if you're not holding a grudge
It only means something if you can swallow your pride
It only means something if you see you're not the only one who's been hurt
It only means something if you can stop pointing fingers
It only means something if you can finish a sentence without "Yeah... BUT"
It only means something if you don't have to be right
It only means something if you grasp that  we won't get this moment back
It only means something if you meet each other half way
It only means something if you do this before it all passes you by again

It only means something if you open that door

OH DARLING, WILL YOU BE MAYAN?

Imaginary Garden With Real Toads--d'Verse Poets Pub

We stand in the antechamber
of the apocalypse
surrounded by the changing
faces of love.

Jennifer gets a boob job
then wonders why men
don't appreciate her mind
.
Amy is stressed because the guy
she met through a personal ad
is getting too personal.

David has fallen head over heels for a 350 pound drag queen
who is posing as a petite nineteen year old blonde online.

Men are women
and women are men--
one's from Mars
and one's from Venus
but it's getting harder to tell
who's got the penis.

Spice Girls on the BBC
were playful
even impish
tucked inside their gowns so skimpish
but for America they wore their attitude
posturing for the average dude
who stands on the corner crying
I AM THE MISSING LINK
DON'T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK
ME AND MY KIN WE LIVE IN THE TREES
PICK MY NITS AND I'LL PLUCK YOUR FLEAS!

Old gent greets the Avon lady
in the doorway with his joystick in hand
inside the house his wife chirps:
pay him no mind, dear...he's only keeping it up
for appearances sake!

And love was simple when it was
like a jackhammer penetrating your indifference
like a lumberjack chipping away at your resistance
like a finger on your trigger
like a ditch digging its digger

And in retrospect my life has been
a blue blur of contradiction
a rolling juggernaut of misjudgment
charging headlong through the rain
and pissing into the wind
a constellation of calamity
chasing dust devil dreams
down a star-speckled highway
in a last ditch attempt
to catch the champagne night flight
to Nirvana.

Still, I've never wanted to be anyone else--
just in a different game
cavorting with the Duchess of York
getting a grip on those love handles
and holding on for dear life before
she starts her next diet

And I kiss the ASS of  the sixties
for allowing me to stand here before you today--
spitting on your false piety,
your nightmare dream of polite society--
brains lobotomized
and our butts in a Singapore sling.

I kiss the ass of Ginsberg, Burroughs, and Ferlinghetti
I kiss the ass of  Lenny Bruce
and everyone who spoke the truth

We stand in the antechamber of the apocalypse
.or so they say...
But remember Y2K?
it was just another day

So don't run for the hills
no, that would be WACK
cuz you'll be back
TO GRAB SANTA'S SAC!!!  

SIGN OF THE TIMES

Imaginary Garden With Real Toads--d'Verse Poets Pub

There once was a time
when people were of a mind
to speak their minds,
and "a penny for your thoughts"
was thought to be a fair exchange.

But we're all playing it mighty close
to the vest these days,
and dealing with the truth
is no penny-ante proposition.

Now most of us aren't deaf
and most of us aren't dumb
but nonetheless half of us can't speak
and the other half can't hear...
so we've come to rely upon
what is known as the sign language of love.

Some of the signs are round
and some of them are square
but the most important ones to remember are:
STOP
PROCEED WITH CAUTION
DETOUR
and
SLIPPERY WHEN WET.

The trouble is that it's hard to tell
from a safe distance
which sign a person is displaying
at any particular time,
and even those who are well versed
in the other romance languages
can become dazed, confused, 
tongue-tied, and disoriented when faced
with the daunting task of
translating the sign language of love.

The trick, of course, is not to think
about what's being said,
but what's behind what's being said.
If she says "See ya later"
does that mean later tonight,
later next week,
or later in another lifetime?
And if she says
"We should probably get together...sometime"
as she glides past you heading for the door,
should you hearken back to the Uncertainty Principle
which states that one cannot simultaneously
know the position and the path
of a moving object,
because you have a bead on her position
for the moment,
but can never be certain
of the path she will lead you down?

Do her eyes reveal the secrets of her soul,
or are they two black holes
sucking you into a time warp
where you will repeat the same mistakes you made yesterday?

Only your friendly neighborhood physicist would know.

So I bought this book on body language
that told me if a woman crosses her arms--
that's a negative sign...
but if she spreads her legs
THAT'S A POSITIVE ONE!

So I wrote that down.

Armed with this critical information
I felt confident enough to try my luck
in the world's most romantic city...


So I flew to Paris,
and found myself sitting at a sidewalk cafe
where I noticed a Frenchwoman 
giving me the goo-goo eyes
from a nearby table...

She smiled at me
and I smiled back at her
and she smiled back at me
and I said now here's somebody
who is speaking my language!

Then she got up and walked
right over to my table...

and right past my table...

and sat down with the woman
who was directly behind me
and just a tad to the left.

So I think I'm just as dense
as I ever was
about the sign language of love,
but I do know that you can't dance
forever
and somewhere along the way
somebody has got to commit to something
before you're both committed...
so knock three times on the ceiling if you want me--
twice upside my head with your purse if you don't want to know.

I'll get the picture.

AND SO IT WAS

Imaginary Garden With Real Toads--d'Verse Poets Pub










Dunno what the hell happened
to ol' Duke
who was the swarthiest of our little band
of outsiders
with hair blacker than used motor oil 
in that whitebread town
who would sit behind the girls
at the movie show
and chant just beneath his breath: piece o' butt...
piece o' butt...

Who one night when we sneaked onto the 
grounds of the high school
with Molotov cocktails in hand
lit one and flung it 
and the flaming projectile
bounced off the side of the brick building
and struck him in the back
and started his brand new jacket afire
and the rest of us cackled until we could
no longer catch our breath...

Who one night as I chauffeured  us
aimlessly around town 
in my cherry-red Ford that everybody recognized
we passed the movie theater
where we saw this big ugly brute 
named "Moose" loitering outside--
with his finger excavating his nasal cavity
and leaned out his window and shouted
"Pick you nose and wipe it on you suit!" 
and I sensed immediately that
somehow I would be the one to pay for that...

And so it was one night we were stopped
along a country road
chugging some beers
and who of all people came along
but Moose and company
and he grabbed me and growled:
YOU'RE the one who yelled
PICK YOU NOSE AND WIPE IT ON YOU SUIT
and I marveled at his exact recall of Duke's phraseology
all the while knowing it would do no good
to even try to explain
and getting shoved into that ditch 
didn't really hurt, man,
no...
not like conjuring up 
those beautiful images does now. 

INTERVIEW (with the vampire?)

Hey kids, for a little more  insight into my brain, (such as it is) check out the interview that Isadora Gruye conducted with me over at  Imaginary Gardens With Real Toads! (Just scroll down a little ways until you see my smiling mug!)

COTTON CANDY

Imaginary Garden With Real Toads--d'Verse Poets Pub

Don't get me wrong
I  love lovely language
and imagery
that  gives me goosebumps
for a couple of seconds
but if it all comes out
too wispy
like spun sugar
then I come away hungry

Need something I can bite into
and chew on for a while.
Need to detect
some semblance
of a thought process.
Need it to relate
to something
(like the price of tea in China)
if I'm gonna stay alive
cuz  I just can't survive
on that cotton candy verse...
here comes the hearse.

You're gazing into
your belly button
and you've gotten lost in there
and so have we.
Maybe it means
something to you
but  give me one clue
so I can join in the fun.

Yes you are lonely
and yes
you are horny
and the blood red rose of love
is so prickly and thorny
but what's that got to do
with anything but you?

Your words are exotic
and tacitly erotic
but how many different ways
can you say
I'm psychotic?

Don't think I'm unsympathetic
to what your failed romance meant
but the simple fact of the matter is
that love has made you incoherent!

SAY "CHEESE"

Imaginary Garden With Real Toads--d'Verse Poets Pub

In every political campaign
that runs those mudslinging 
attack ads on TV
there is a person on the staff
whose job is to pour through
hundreds or maybe thousands
of  photos
to find the least attractive
and least flattering pictures
of the opponent
to put up onscreen
(followed by the misleading "facts"
that they hope you will buy
because they think you're stupid)
you can turn the sound down
on your set
and know in an instant
who the ad is promoting
by whether the person depicted
on screen
is happy and smiling
or scowling and frowning
so many photos being taken
of any public figure
and some will catch you 
with your mouth wide open
or eyes closed
or some weird facial expression
and the person sifting through all these shots
is cackling to himself
Hhaaw...this one really sucks....
no wait--THIS one is worse--
looks like he didn't get any sleep
the night before...hey Joe...
should we run this one or that one?
And Joe says Man, THIS one...poor
sonofabitch...wait till he sees himself...

And people get paid for this

Don't think I want to be
represented by anybody
from either side of the aisle
who will go to these lengths
to demean another person 
just for the sake of winning
and you still seem surprised
when the next politician
and then the next 
is nabbed for some moral
or criminal offense
when it's staring you
right in the face
during the campaign
what kind of an asshole
he really is

FEELTHY TING

Imaginary Garden With Real Toads

Now you...                                                                                           d'Verse Poets Pub

Even SIN thinks you're disgusting
ya see Sin ain't so bad
half the time
lookit all the peoples
flocking to Las Vegas
gonna blow their wad
on some hookers and a craps table
but it's alright
cuz jobs are being provided
through the generosity
of your donations
but lookit you
you feelthy ting
and just because you diggin Steely Dan
while on the can
ain't gonna give you a free pass
you know people
shouldn't eat in public
cuz it's gross
with that juice dribbling down your chin
and some unrecognizable something
stuck to your teeth
and you got so distracted
by that chick with the jugs
that you tried to spoon soup
into your nose
slurping
and burping
yeah, that's a nice way to impress
a date--
what the hell is  wrong with people?
never could figure out why
the truly exquisite thing
which is making love
got cloistered away
behind closed doors
while the truly disgusting thing
which is eating
is not only allowed
but encouraged in public
you see it everywhere
on TV and in the movies
people shoveling it in
and then talking with
their mouths full
what the hell 
are you trying to say 
is it bigger than a breadbox?
and you 
well even Sin thinks you're disgusting
lookit what you did
you  think I'm gonna clean that up?
no way
brother
no way
you've got more brains than that
you fetid furshluginner thing
take that carcass
you are gnawing on
and go sit with the rest
of your zombie friends 
I'm goin out tonight
to howl 

JUST VAMPING

Bats roll

buzzards troll

freaks plague

your tormented soul

and we are waiting.

We dance by day

we dance by night

here to give you

such a fright

and we are waiting.

Brothers and sisters

we are waiting.

mothers and fathers

we are waiting.

sons and daughters

we are waiting.

sons of bitches

we are waiting.

Angels and whores trade places

in a moonlit masquerade

Zombies dance

without any pants

And we are waiting...

for THE NIGHT !

"TEACHER SORAYO"

With Real Toads--d'Verse Poets Pub

I'm a ritualistic
synergistic
goin ballistic
muhfuggah
dancin with wolves
dancin with dingos
dancin with Daddy G

Go Daddy

got that frizzy Richard Simmons hair
but I got more weight to toss around
than that little pissant
and when I sidle up to the ladies
I go diddley-bop...thunk!
I go diddley-bop...thunk!
I go diddley-bop...thunk!
And they all run
cuz they scared of my junk
as I chase them around the room
in my red skivvies with CCCP emblazoned
across the front

Sometimes I put on a chef's hat
and mix up a concoction that will
make you toss your cookies
but you gotta drink it all
to stay in the game

And it's a wild and crazy game
with bodacious boobies
that will knock you out
(literally)
swinging left and right
and to and fro
and round and round they go
and when they hit you
you will shout
and be amazed
as you stagger about
 in a silicone haze

And then the confetti comes
raining down
and it's curtains for anyone
who gets in my way cuz
I go diddley-bop...thunk!
diddley-bop...thunk!
and you'd think I was drunk
as I pursue them about the stage
I should be in a cage but
A Que No Puedes
is all the rage
with psychos like Timoteo
who never learned to act their age