SEEN ANY GOOD FLICKS LATELY?

I have:
Amelia--just out--with Hillary Swank and Richard Gere..Sweeping  biopic/romance that chronicles aviator Amelia Earhart's fabled accomplishments in the air as well as her troubled personal relationships.

Capitalism: A Love Story. Say what you will about film maker Michael Moore...he knows how to stir things up and get you thinking. Here he takes on nothing less than our sacred cow--capitalism--and why it's not good for adults, children, or pets.

Zombieland--Could be the most pleasant surprise of the year, even though there's nothing pleasant about snarling, drooling zombies (just ask anyone who's had to deal with the DMV). Woody Harrelson heads up a talented cast working with a script that is pure genius--with a jaw-dropping surprise that no reviewer is going to reveal...ya gotta see it!

My Life In Ruins-- For anyone who enjoys a good light-hearted romantic comedy. Nia Vsrdalos (of My Big Fat Greek Wedding) is a personality challenged tour guide herding quirky tourists around Greece and trying not to fall in love...

Click the link in the title of this post above to see the full reviews of these and dozens of other recent movies  on Timoteo's film review blog: Timmy's Noodle. It's all here--the good, the bad, and the stupid...so happy viewing!  

HERE'S LOOKIN' AT ME, KID!

Here's the scariest picture I could think of to post for Halloween!

IN TIMOTEO'S PLAYGROUND
THIS IS MY SANDBOX
(enlarge for clearer viewing)

While hiking in the desert this past weekend, a small hitch hiker  attached itself to my friend's backpack and wasn't discovered until we were in the car and on our way back to town. He was quite friendly, and would swivel his head from side to side, to look at each of us with great curiosity. I was struck by the realization that there was indeed a kind of intelligence in those eyes. After snapping a few images like this one for posterity, we gave our hitch hiker a lift back into a desert area, and placed him in a palo verde tree where he would blend in perfectly with the color of the tree...and bade him Godspeed.    

INTERVIEW

Good morning, Mr. Johnson...yes, I know I'm a little late but the TRAFFIC out there--SIX BILLION people on the planet and most of them were in front of me! Yes, by all means, let's get down to business--that's why we're here, after all...

What's that?

Why do I want to work for this company? This company represents...everything I've been looking for...this company upholds the ideals I believe in...this company...the truth is, Mr. Johnson, I could use a JOB, that's all--isn't that what it boils down to for anybody? Geez, the economy sucks!

What's that?

How do I explain these gaps in my resume? Well, I could say that I was going to school, or on disability, but the truth is I was bumming around...Mexico...Central America...you know there's a little island off the coast of Yucatan--when I was there it was so PRISTINE--now I hear there's a Hilton-

Whus that?

What's my biggest weakness? I dunno. Well, I used to play the horses sometimes...oh, I see, as it pertains to the job is what you mean...uh...I used to say that my biggest weakness was that I'm a perfectionist--you know, turn it around so that the negative really is a positive--but the fact is, Mr. Johnson, I just get bored after a while. I get burnt out. But it happens to lots of people...the same routine, day after day...but a week off here and a week off there and I'm a NEW man...did you know that women on vacation are so HOT...that's because they don't care...nobody knows who they are-

Say what?

Where do I see myself in five years?   Well, Mr. Johnson, ...ahem...I could give you some stock answer like,  I SEE MYSELF AS A RISING STAR IN THIS COMPANY!  Or what the hell, why not give it some real swagger--I see myself as a congressman... maybe Secretary of State...heh...but you know, the world is so uncertain--who the hell knows? Maybe I'll be a wino asking for spare change on the street...maybe I'll be passed out in some alley with rats crawling over me...maybe I'll be DEAD.

Maybe a better question would be:What will YOU be doing in five years? Probably sitting here asking these same questions of nervous applicants who've rehearsed the answers so that it becomes a game. Designated question...designated answer. And life goes on. But it's SO goddamn boring!  An even better question would be: Where the hell do you get off, asking me a question like that? No really--I want to know! If you and I were just sitting here having a beer together, you'd ask me if I'd been getting any lately, and we'd laugh, and maybe poke each other, and talk a little too loudly about the broad down at the end of the bar. That's an old Sinatra term..."broad"...we can't use it anymore. And we'd stumble out together around midnight, and I'd hail a cab for you--tuck you in and send you safely on your way...that's if you and I were sitting here having a beer, you see, if we were doing something other than playing these roles which I can see have grown as stale to you as they are to me-

What's that?

Yes, I know this is highly irregular...but...isn't that tie a little tight, Mr. Johnson? You don't look so comfortable...I'll bet you've worn that tie, or one like it, EVERY DAY of your life since you left college. Do you see the irony in that? A man reaches a certain stature in life and he's rewarded by having a noose placed around his neck-

Wha's that?

Yes, I know your time is valuable, but I just wanted to say that I HAVE the experience and I KNOW that I can do the job...and all of this other stuff is just crap--isn't it? Crap, you know what I mean...pretense. I mean, people need to be who they ARE, don't you think?

Whut?

Yes, well, I'm sure that you have others to see today...I won't take up any more of your time. Anyway, I want to thank you, Mr. Johnson, for granting me this interview...

Yeah, I know the drill...don't call us, we'll call you.  

JUST VAMPING

Bats roll
Buzzards troll
Freaks plague your tormented soul
And we are waiting.

We dance by day
We dance by night
Here to give you
Such a fright
And we are waiting.

Brothers and sisters
We are waiting.

Mothers and fathers
We are waiting.

Sons and daughters
We are waiting.

Sons of bitches
We are waiting.

Angels and whores
Trade places
In a moonlit masquerade.

Zombies dance
Without any pants.

And we are waiting.
Waiting...
For THE NIGHT!


Click on the link in the title above to see my review of Zombieland!

THE FINE PRINT

Void where prohibited. Not available in all states.Results may vary. Not to be combined with any other offer. Limited to stock on hand. On approved credit. Not all buyers will qualify. While supplies last. Promotional rate only. Rates double after first 3 months. 2 year contract required. Prices and participation may vary. Shipping and handling charges of $395.00 apply. Tax, license, and doc fees extra.. 20% gratuity automatically charged to your bill. Risk of suicide may be present. Consult your doctor. Stop using if you develop sudden urges to go berserk and massacre scores of innocent people. May cause headache, diarrhea, vomiting, dry mouth, constipation, hiccups, athletes foot, crotch rot, or death. We know you're an idiot because you'll never bother to read any of this. That's how we stay in business. Have a nice day, dickwad.

ANALOGY (recycled poetry)

Knowing that most blog readers don't normally delve deep into the archives, it's time to occasionally recycle a post from the early days of Catnip--when nobody was reading my blog but me. (I'd manufacture comments to leave for myself, then answer my own comments. Trouble was, they all had the heading of "Timoteo" on them, which made me look like a split personality.) This poem is earth friendly, because it's made out of one hundred percent RECYCLED WORDS. And remember, if you haven't seen it...IT'S NEW TO YOU!




And the cry went up:
SEAL OFF THE BORDERS!
The illegals are overburdening
our social services,
contributing to crime, pollution,
and the tequila shortage!

Meanwhile, the killer bees
came up from Mexico...
they didn't stop to clear customs,
and they don't have green cards--
but they've assimilated into our society
and the world hasn't ended.

Sure, once in a while
they get really pissed-off
and kill somebody--
but ANY ONE OF US,
on a given day,
might do the same.

Generally, though, if you leave them alone,
they're just like everyone else--
content to be with their honey...and pollinate.

POLITICS AS USUAL

Recently, during a speech to a joint session of the U.S. congress on the subject of health care reform, president Barack Obama was "heckled" by representative Joe Wilson of South Carolina, who  shouted "YOU LIE"  when the president stated that illegal aliens would not be eligible for health insurance coverage under his proposed plan.  The ensuing uproar over this lack of decorum had many people calling for the congressman to apologize. 

But meanwhile, in a PARALLEL UNIVERSE, the whole incident happened just a little bit DIFFERENTLY...

THE PREZ: ...and I want to reiterate my position that I think that BABIES are CUTE!

THE CONGRESSMAN: You LIE!

(Speaker of the House Nancy Polosi is aghast, looking around the chamber to see who might have the unmitigated balls to shout at the president, while Vice President Joe Biden shakes his head in disbelief. Pretending not to notice, the president continues with his speech.)

THE PREZ: And I also want to make it perfectly clear that PUPPY DOGS are cute too!

THE CONGRESSMAN: Arab! 

(A few of the congressman's Republican colleagues begin to snicker. One of them pats him on the back.)

THE CONGRESSMAN: Arab terrorist!

(His colleagues guffaw, stomp their feet, and spit tobacco juice on the floor. House speaker Pelosi appears to be on the verge of barfing, as she raises her gavel to try to maintain order.)

THE PREZ: But NOBODY is as cute as MY WIFE!.

THE CONGRESSMAN: Hitler!

THE PREZ: Except for my two lovely DAUGHTERS, of course!

THE CONGRESSMAN: Heil Hitler!

(The president stops in mid sentence, and glares in the direction of the congressman, )

THE PREZ: One more peep out of YOU, sir, and I'm going to come down there and stick my fist down yo DUMB CRACKER pie hole!

THE CONGRESSMAN: (Mouth agape) He called me a dumb cracker! You hear that everybody? The president is out of line...out of LINE!

(The president jumps down from the podium and sprints over to where the congressman is sitting--as the man's Republican colleagues, who were egging him on just a moment ago, begin to scatter. The president straddles the congressman in typical lap dance fashion, grabs hold of the man's nose and begins to TWIST.)

THE CONGRESSMAN: Help! HELP! Ooh. Ughh! Arghhh! 

(The president lets go of the congressman's nose, pats him on the head, and returns to the podium, to the sound thunderous applause from the Democratic side of the aisle, and stunned silence from the Republicans.)

THE CONGRESSMAN: My NOSE! I think it's BUSTED!

(The TV camera zooms in for a close-up of the president, who shakes his finger at the camera.)

THE PREZ: I told you, America,... this was NOT  going to be POLITICS AS USUAL!