TV Quote of the Day (Alfred Hitchcock, on Why You Should ‘Treat Your Neighbor More Kindly’)

Alfred Hitchcock: “Thus ends tonight's story. After seeing it, I think you'll treat your neighbor more kindly. After all, he may be a former ax murderer. Of course, there's nothing to worry about. He's probably out of practice.”—Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Season 2, Episode 33, “A Man Greatly Beloved,” original air date May 12, 1957, teleplay by Sarett Tobias and A.A. Milne, directed by James Neilson

TV Quote of the Day (‘Mad Men,’ on Inferior Ad Submissions)

[Two ad firm partners are discussing the portfolio of a spouse’s cousin.]

Don Draper [played by Jon Hamm]: “His book.” [Chuckles] “It was filled with old ads.”

Roger Sterling [played by John Slattery]: [Chuckles] “Plagiarism. That's resourceful.”

Don: “He had five originals. There were all the same thing.”

Roger: “I told him to be himself. That was pretty mean, I guess.”—Mad Men, Season 4, Episode 6, “Waldorf Stories,” original air date Aug 29, 2010, teleplay by Brett Johnson and Matthew Weiner, directed by Scott Hornbacher

TV Quote of the Day (‘All in the Family,’ on a Difficult Problem for Archie)

Archie Bunker [played by Carroll O’Connor]: “I’ve got a very serious problem here’s gonna take all of my thinking and all of my consecration.”—All in the Family, Season 2, Episode 10, “The Insurance Is Cancelled,” original air date Nov. 27, 1971, teleplay by Norman Lear, Lee Kalcheim, and directed by John Rich

TV Quote of the Day (‘Bewitched,’ As Endora Shows How to Deal With a Humorless Son-in-Law)

Endora [played by Agnes Moorehead] [casting a spell so that son-in-law Darrin laughs at inappropriate times]
“Your views of life I find quite sick.
This spell will change what makes you tick!
At serious things, you'll laugh and giggle.
The graver the note, the more it will tickle!”—Bewitched, Season 7, Episode 27, “Laugh, Clown, Laugh,” original air date Apr. 15, 1971, teleplay by Sol Saks and Ed Jurist, directed by William Asher

TV Quote of the Day (‘Frasier,’ As Our Hero Is Distracted)

Dr. Frasier Crane [played by Kelsey Grammer]: “Dad! Dad! I can't read my paper! Eddie keeps staring at me!”

Martin Crane [played by John Mahoney]: “Just ignore him.”

Frasier: “I'm trying to!”

Martin: “I'm talking to the dog!”— Frasier, Season 1, Episode 2, “Space Quest,” original air date Sept. 23, 1993, teleplay by Sy Dukane and Denise Moss, directed by James Burrows

TV Quote of the Day (‘Parks and Recreation,’ As Leslie Shows Her Incredible Zeal for Serving the Public)

Leslie Knope [played by Amy Poehler]: “These people are members of a community that care about where they live. So what I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.”—Parks and Recreation, Season 1, Episode 1, “Pilot,” original air date Apr. 9, 2009, teleplay by Greg Daniels and Michael Schur, directed by Greg Daniels

This post is for a friend of mine (AND HE KNOWS WHO HE IS!!!) who is quite an admirer of Ms. Poehler.

TV Quote of the Day (‘Modern Family,’ on an Outcome of the Citizenship Process)

[The household is anticipating the citizenship process for Colombian-born Gloria.]

Jay Pritchett [played by Ed O'Neill]: “Gloria's about to take her citizenship test. This little jumping bean is about to become an American.”

Gloria Delgado-Pritchett [played by Sofía Vergara] [indignantly]: “Jumping beans are Mexican!”

Jay: “Once you're an American, you won't see the difference.”— Modern Family, Season 6, Episode 22, “Patriot Games,” original air date May 6, 2015, teleplay by Christopher Lloyd, Steven Levitan, and Vali Chandrasekaran, directed by Alisa Statman

TV Quote of the Day (‘M*A*S*H,’ As Potter and Radar Consider Cigars)

Col. Sherman Potter [played by Harry Morgan]: “Cigar?” 

Cpl. Walter “Radar” O'Reilly [played by Gary Burghoff]: “Will it stunt my growth?”

Col. Potter [eyeing the short Radar]: “What do you got to lose?”

Radar: “Is it habit forming?”

Col. Potter: “Nah. I've been smoking five cigars a day for 45 years. Never got the habit.”— M*A*S*H, Season 6, Episode 1, “Fade Out, Fade In,” original air date Sept. 20, 1977, teleplay by James Fritzell and Everett Greenbaum, directed by Hy Averback

Talking about tongues planted firmly in cheek! Just as M*A*S*H used the distant mirror of the Korean conflict to comment on the Vietnam War, its writers realized that their audience would know that, 13 years before, the Surgeon General’s report had warned that smoking causes lung cancer and probably heart disease.

TV Quote of the Day (‘Curb Your Enthusiasm,’ As Larry Vents About Calling Doctors on Weekends)

Larry David [played by Larry David]: “Why don't we just call your doctor?”

Cheryl [played by Cheryl Hines]: “You can't call my doctor on the weekends, unless it's a life-threatening emergency.”

Larry: “What?”

Cheryl: “Yeah, if you call his machine, it'll tell you you can't page him.”

Larry: “You called up and that's what it said?”

Cheryl: “Yeah.”

Larry: “That is obscene, you know that?” [imitating the doctor] " ‘Can't disturb the doctor on the weekend! Don't call Dr. Zeppler on the weekend unless it's life-threatening!’"

Cheryl: “Okay, okay.”

Larry [imitates the doctor's wife]: " ‘Norman, is someone calling? Who's calling? We're in the middle of dinner, Norman!’"

Cheryl: “Larry…”

Larry: "‘This better be life-threatening or you're not gonna leave this house!’"

Cheryl: “Larry, please. I'm begging you!”

Larry: "‘Norman! Unless they were burned in a fire I don't want you getting up from your chair. Do you understand, Norman?’"—Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 1, Episode 9, “Affirmative Action,” original air date Dec. 10, 2000, teleplay by Larry David, directed by Bryan Gordon 

TV Quote of the Day (‘Cunk on Shakespeare,’ on School in The Bard's Day)

"School in Shakespeare’s day and age was vastly different to our own. In fact, it was far easier because he didn't have to study Shakespeare."—English actress and comedian Diane Morgan, with her favorite line as ill-informed interviewer Philomena Cunk, on the BBC mockumentary “Cunk on Shakespeare,” original air date May 11, 2016, teleplay by Charlie Brooker, Jason Hazeley, and Joel Morris, directed by Lorry Powles

TV Quote of the Day (‘Friends,’ on a Thanksgiving Necessity)

Joey Tribbiani [played by Matt LeBlanc]: “You can't have Thanksgiving without turkey. That's like Fourth of July without apple pie, or Friday with no two pizzas.”—Friends, Season 8, Episode 9, “The One with the Rumor,” teleplay by Shana Goldberg-Meehan, directed by Gary Halvorson

TV Quote of the Day (‘Cheers,’ As Sam Gets to Meet Diane’s Mom)

 

Sam Malone [played by Ted Danson]: “I just want to say it's nice to finally meet you, Mrs. Chambers.”

Mrs. Helen Chambers [played by Glynis Johns]: “It's nice to meet you, Sam. Diane's told me about you. You're almost as handsome as she says you think you are.”

Sam [feeling insulted]: “There's a compliment in there someplace, I'm sure.”—Cheers, Season 1, Episode 20, “Someone Single, Someone Blue,” original air date Mar. 3, 1983, teleplay by David Angell, directed by James Burrows

TV Quote of the Day (‘Curb Your Enthusiasm,’ With Larry Overjoyed About Figuring Out His Navigation System)

Larry David [played by Larry David]: “I can't wait to call my parents. They are gonna be so proud of me! When I tell my father I figured out that navigation system, he's gonna flip his wig! And he's got one too!”

Cheryl [played by Cheryl Hines]: “Can we turn on the radio?”

Larry: “Oh, he's gonna be very proud of Larry figuring out the navigation system!”

Cheryl: “Please!”

Larry: "‘Daddy, I'm not so stupid!’"—Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 1, Episode 9, “Affirmative Action,” original air date Dec. 10, 2000, teleplay by Larry David, directed by Bryan Gordon

TV Quote of the Day (‘Arrested Development,’ on the Unlikely Start of a Video Franchise)

Lindsay Bluth Funke [played by Portia de Rossi]: “You two have always fought. I think I have a video tape of that.”

Michael [played by Jason Bateman]: “You and half of Orange County.”

Narrator [voice of Ron Howard]: “As children, George Sr. would often provoke the boys to fight one another. He believed it created a competitive spirit. He also thought tapes of the footage would be a big hit in the burgeoning home video market. He soon franchised the concept with such titles as ‘Boyfights 2,’ ‘A Boyfights Cookout,’ and ‘Backseat Boyfights: The Trip To Uncle Jack's 70.’"—Arrested Development, Season 3, Episode 8, "Making a Stand," original air date Dec. 19, 2005, teleplay by Mitchell Hurwitz, Chuck Tatham and Karey Dornetto, directed by Peter Lauer

TV Quote of the Day (‘McHale’s Navy,’ As an Officer Laments His Eternal Plight)

Captain Wallace Binghamton [played by Joe Flynn] [repeated line, with eyes thrust towards the heavens]: “Why is it me? Why is it always me?”—McHale’s Navy (1962-1966)

In the late Sixties and early Seventies, on what seemed never-running reruns at the time but are much harder to find now, the sitcom McHale’s Navy poked lighthearted fun at the often-deadly business of fighting World War II.

Much like other military service comedies of the era such as Sgt. Bilko and Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.—and in stark contrast to the later M*A*S*H—it was only mildly anti-authority, with much of the humor directed not at the top U.S. naval brass so much as at a middle manager: bespectacled, by-the-book, beleaguered Captain Binghamton.

Character actor Joe Flynn, who perfected a snarl in front of the cameras that was nothing like his warm offscreen personality, was born 100 years ago today in Youngstown, Ohio—and, whenever possible, the show’s writers dropped references to his hometown into their scripts.

An even more constant feature of the show’s 138 episodes in which Flynn appeared was the quote above—a signature line as characteristic and inevitable as Jimmie Walker’s “"Dyn-o-mite!" on Good Times or Peter Falk’s “Just one more thing…” on Columbo.

Poor Binghamton: It was bad enough that a war wound in his backside earned him the nickname "Old Leadbottom," or that he was allergic to goldenrods. He also had to put up with what he waspishly termed the “gang of pirates” of PT-73, who always foiled his inept attempts at harsh discipline.

Forget about Albert Camus with his myth of Sisyphus, or Job railing against God. Binghamton was the person who taught millions of baby boomers about an unfair universe—and all they could do was laugh at his predicament.

Life was ultimately unfair to Joe Flynn, too. Unlike other cast members of McHale’s Navy who lived into their 80s and 90s like Ernest Borgnine, Tim Conway, Carl Ballantine, Bob Hastings, and Gavin Macleod, Flynn died when he was only 49. He had suffered a heart attack and was found at the bottom of his swimming pool, weighed down by a cast on his broken leg.

Well, while he was alive he enjoyed favor from casting directors. Though typecast by his short stature and great near-sightedness (during indoor shooting, he did without lenses in his thick glasses to minimize glare from lighting), he made the most of his opportunities, claiming to have acted in more Disney films (13) than anyone else in the history of the company, and appearing even more often as a guest on Merv Griffin’s talk show (52).

He also maintained warm friendships with other actors, notably Conway, with whom he co-starred in another (short-lived) sitcom several years after McHale's Navy went off the air.

A fine summary of Flynn’s life and career can be found in this December 2020 post on the blog “Silver Scenes.”

TV Quote of the Day (‘The Twilight Zone,’ on ‘Weapons That Are Simply Thoughts’)

Rod Serling [Closing Narration]: “The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout. There are weapons that are simply thoughts, attitudes, prejudices to be found only in the minds of men. For the record, prejudices can kill, and suspicion can destroy, and a thoughtless frightened search for a scapegoat has a fallout all of its own for the children, and the children yet unborn. And the pity of it is that these things cannot be confined to the Twilight Zone.”— The Twilight Zone, Season 1, Episode 22, “The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street,” original air date Mar. 4, 1960, teleplay by Rod Serling, directed by Ron Winston

TV Quote of the Day (‘Yes, Minister,’ on Public Subsidies for the Arts)

James Hacker [played by Paul Eddington, left]: “Why should the rest of the country subsidize the pleasures of the middle-class few? Theater, opera, ballet—subsidizing art in this country is nothing more than a middle-class rip-off!”

Sir Humphrey Appleby [played by Nigel Hawthorne, right]: “Oh, minister—how can you say such a thing? Subsidy is about education preserving the pinnacles of our civilization, or haven't you noticed?”

Hacker: Don't patronize me, Humphrey. I believe in education, too. I’m a graduate of the London School of Economics, may I remind you?”

Humphrey: “Well, I'm glad to learn that even the LSE is not totally opposed to education!”—Yes, Minister, Season 3, Episode 7, “The Middle-Class Rip-Off,” original air date Dec 23, 1982, teleplay by Antony Jay and Jonathan Lynn, directed by Peter Whitmore

TV Quote of the Day (‘The Hollywood Squares,’ on Airline Security)

Peter Marshall: “True or false: Some airlines now give you a thorough frisking before permitting you to board the plane.”

Paul Lynde: “That’s the only reason I fly.”—Game-show host Peter Marshall (1926-2024) and comic actor Paul Lynde (1926-1982) quoted by Daniel E. Slotnik, “Peter Marshall, Longtime Host of ‘The Hollywood Squares,’ Dies at 98,” The New York Times, Aug. 17, 2024

TV Quote of the Day (‘The Big Bang Theory,’ As Sheldon Encounters Nemesis Wil Wheaton)

“Well, well, well, if it isn't Wil Wheaton. The Green Goblin to my Spider Man. The Pope Paul V to my Galileo. The Internet Explorer to my Firefox.” —Dr. Sheldon Cooper [played by Jim Parsons], to bowling rival Will Wheaton, in The Big Bang Theory, Season 3, Episode 19, “The Wheaton Recurrence,” original air date Apr 12, 2010, teleplay by Chuck Lorre, Bill Prady, and David Goetsch, directed by Mark Cendrowski

TV Quote of the Day (Ellen DeGeneres, on What People Think of Her)

“I used to say I don't care what people think of me. I realize now, looking back, I said that at the height of my popularity.” —Comic and former talk-show host Ellen DeGeneres, “Ellen DeGeneres: For Your Approval,” Netflix original streaming date Sept. 24, 2025, directed by Joel Gallen