TV Quote of the Day (‘Curb Your Enthusiasm,’ As Larry Vents About Calling Doctors on Weekends)

Larry David [played by Larry David]: “Why don't we just call your doctor?”

Cheryl [played by Cheryl Hines]: “You can't call my doctor on the weekends, unless it's a life-threatening emergency.”

Larry: “What?”

Cheryl: “Yeah, if you call his machine, it'll tell you you can't page him.”

Larry: “You called up and that's what it said?”

Cheryl: “Yeah.”

Larry: “That is obscene, you know that?” [imitating the doctor] " ‘Can't disturb the doctor on the weekend! Don't call Dr. Zeppler on the weekend unless it's life-threatening!’"

Cheryl: “Okay, okay.”

Larry [imitates the doctor's wife]: " ‘Norman, is someone calling? Who's calling? We're in the middle of dinner, Norman!’"

Cheryl: “Larry…”

Larry: "‘This better be life-threatening or you're not gonna leave this house!’"

Cheryl: “Larry, please. I'm begging you!”

Larry: "‘Norman! Unless they were burned in a fire I don't want you getting up from your chair. Do you understand, Norman?’"—Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 1, Episode 9, “Affirmative Action,” original air date Dec. 10, 2000, teleplay by Larry David, directed by Bryan Gordon 

TV Quote of the Day (‘Friends,’ on a Thanksgiving Necessity)

Joey Tribbiani [played by Matt LeBlanc]: “You can't have Thanksgiving without turkey. That's like Fourth of July without apple pie, or Friday with no two pizzas.”—Friends, Season 8, Episode 9, “The One with the Rumor,” teleplay by Shana Goldberg-Meehan, directed by Gary Halvorson

TV Quote of the Day (‘Cheers,’ As Sam Gets to Meet Diane’s Mom)

 

Sam Malone [played by Ted Danson]: “I just want to say it's nice to finally meet you, Mrs. Chambers.”

Mrs. Helen Chambers [played by Glynis Johns]: “It's nice to meet you, Sam. Diane's told me about you. You're almost as handsome as she says you think you are.”

Sam [feeling insulted]: “There's a compliment in there someplace, I'm sure.”—Cheers, Season 1, Episode 20, “Someone Single, Someone Blue,” original air date Mar. 3, 1983, teleplay by David Angell, directed by James Burrows

TV Quote of the Day (‘Curb Your Enthusiasm,’ With Larry Overjoyed About Figuring Out His Navigation System)

Larry David [played by Larry David]: “I can't wait to call my parents. They are gonna be so proud of me! When I tell my father I figured out that navigation system, he's gonna flip his wig! And he's got one too!”

Cheryl [played by Cheryl Hines]: “Can we turn on the radio?”

Larry: “Oh, he's gonna be very proud of Larry figuring out the navigation system!”

Cheryl: “Please!”

Larry: "‘Daddy, I'm not so stupid!’"—Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 1, Episode 9, “Affirmative Action,” original air date Dec. 10, 2000, teleplay by Larry David, directed by Bryan Gordon

TV Quote of the Day (‘Arrested Development,’ on the Unlikely Start of a Video Franchise)

Lindsay Bluth Funke [played by Portia de Rossi]: “You two have always fought. I think I have a video tape of that.”

Michael [played by Jason Bateman]: “You and half of Orange County.”

Narrator [voice of Ron Howard]: “As children, George Sr. would often provoke the boys to fight one another. He believed it created a competitive spirit. He also thought tapes of the footage would be a big hit in the burgeoning home video market. He soon franchised the concept with such titles as ‘Boyfights 2,’ ‘A Boyfights Cookout,’ and ‘Backseat Boyfights: The Trip To Uncle Jack's 70.’"—Arrested Development, Season 3, Episode 8, "Making a Stand," original air date Dec. 19, 2005, teleplay by Mitchell Hurwitz, Chuck Tatham and Karey Dornetto, directed by Peter Lauer

TV Quote of the Day (‘McHale’s Navy,’ As an Officer Laments His Eternal Plight)

Captain Wallace Binghamton [played by Joe Flynn] [repeated line, with eyes thrust towards the heavens]: “Why is it me? Why is it always me?”—McHale’s Navy (1962-1966)

In the late Sixties and early Seventies, on what seemed never-running reruns at the time but are much harder to find now, the sitcom McHale’s Navy poked lighthearted fun at the often-deadly business of fighting World War II.

Much like other military service comedies of the era such as Sgt. Bilko and Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.—and in stark contrast to the later M*A*S*H—it was only mildly anti-authority, with much of the humor directed not at the top U.S. naval brass so much as at a middle manager: bespectacled, by-the-book, beleaguered Captain Binghamton.

Character actor Joe Flynn, who perfected a snarl in front of the cameras that was nothing like his warm offscreen personality, was born 100 years ago today in Youngstown, Ohio—and, whenever possible, the show’s writers dropped references to his hometown into their scripts.

An even more constant feature of the show’s 138 episodes in which Flynn appeared was the quote above—a signature line as characteristic and inevitable as Jimmie Walker’s “"Dyn-o-mite!" on Good Times or Peter Falk’s “Just one more thing…” on Columbo.

Poor Binghamton: It was bad enough that a war wound in his backside earned him the nickname "Old Leadbottom," or that he was allergic to goldenrods. He also had to put up with what he waspishly termed the “gang of pirates” of PT-73, who always foiled his inept attempts at harsh discipline.

Forget about Albert Camus with his myth of Sisyphus, or Job railing against God. Binghamton was the person who taught millions of baby boomers about an unfair universe—and all they could do was laugh at his predicament.

Life was ultimately unfair to Joe Flynn, too. Unlike other cast members of McHale’s Navy who lived into their 80s and 90s like Ernest Borgnine, Tim Conway, Carl Ballantine, Bob Hastings, and Gavin Macleod, Flynn died when he was only 49. He had suffered a heart attack and was found at the bottom of his swimming pool, weighed down by a cast on his broken leg.

Well, while he was alive he enjoyed favor from casting directors. Though typecast by his short stature and great near-sightedness (during indoor shooting, he did without lenses in his thick glasses to minimize glare from lighting), he made the most of his opportunities, claiming to have acted in more Disney films (13) than anyone else in the history of the company, and appearing even more often as a guest on Merv Griffin’s talk show (52).

He also maintained warm friendships with other actors, notably Conway, with whom he co-starred in another (short-lived) sitcom several years after McHale's Navy went off the air.

A fine summary of Flynn’s life and career can be found in this December 2020 post on the blog “Silver Scenes.”

TV Quote of the Day (‘The Big Bang Theory,’ As Sheldon Encounters Nemesis Wil Wheaton)

“Well, well, well, if it isn't Wil Wheaton. The Green Goblin to my Spider Man. The Pope Paul V to my Galileo. The Internet Explorer to my Firefox.” —Dr. Sheldon Cooper [played by Jim Parsons], to bowling rival Will Wheaton, in The Big Bang Theory, Season 3, Episode 19, “The Wheaton Recurrence,” original air date Apr 12, 2010, teleplay by Chuck Lorre, Bill Prady, and David Goetsch, directed by Mark Cendrowski

TV Quote of the Day (‘The Mary Tyler Moore Show,’ As Mary Shocks Ted—and Herself)

Gordy [played by John Amos]: “And now, speaking for the management of WJM-TV, Mary Richards. And I'm sure after you see her, you'll understand why I say ‘Mary, I don't know what it is your for, or against, but, whatever it is, I'm with you.’”

Mary Richards [played by Mary Tyler Moore]: “Thank you, Gordy. We'd like to speak out tonight for population control. Between the years 1932 and 1978, the population of the world will have doubled.”

Ted Baxter [played by Ted Knight] [Interrupting Mary]: “That should do something for our ratings, hey, Mary?”

Mary [Nervously smiling]: “Population experts agree that if growth continues at this rate, world population will reach 7 billion by the year 2000.”

Ted: “Hey, I think I'll go into the diaper business.”

Mary: “...Which points to a disaster of global importance.”

Ted: “Oh come on, Mare, don't be such a gloomy Gus!”

Mary: “The management of WJM feels that television can play a critical role in the control of population growth…”

Ted: “We sure can. As long as they're watching the old tube, they can't make the population grow, can they?”

Mary: “Television has a responsibility...”

Ted: “Get it, Mare?”

Mary: “Will you SHUT UP, Ted!!”

[Mary turns to face the camera, shocked at what she just said. Her mouth open, she just stares straight ahead.]

Lou Grant [played by Edward Asner]: “Murray, did I just hear right? Did I hear Mary tell Ted to shut up on the air?”

Murray Slaughter [played by Gavin MacLeod]: “Yeah.”

Lou [Smiling]: “Good.” —The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Season 3, Episode 1, “The Good-Time News,” original air date Sept. 16, 1972, teleplay by James L. Brooks and Allan Burns, directed by Hal Cooper

As it happens, the world’s population reached 6.1 billion in 2000—which probably would have slightly disappointed Ted.

TV Quote of the Day (‘M*A*S*H,’ With the Epitome of Bureaucracy)

Col. Henry Blake [played by McLean Stevenson] [yawning and bored]: “What are these forms for?"

Cpl. Walter “Radar” O'Reilly [played by Gary Burghoff]: "These are forms to get the forms that enable us to order more forms, sir."— M*A*S*H, Season 1, Episode 23, “Ceasefire,” original air date Mar 18, 1973, teleplay by Laurence Marks and Larry Gelbart, directed by Earl Bellamy

TV Quote of the Day (‘WKRP in Cincinnati,’ With a Conspiracy-Minded Newsman)

Arthur Carlson [played by Gordon Jump]: “Look, Les. I know you got a great nose for news. But, uh, you're also a little conspiracy-minded, now aren't ya, huh?”

Les Nessman [played by Richard Sanders]: “I wouldn't say so.”

Carlson: “Come on, Les. Remember the way you broadcast Bing Crosby's death? ‘First Presley, now Crosby. Just a coincidence? I wonder.’"— WKRP in Cincinnati, Season 1, Episode 2, “Pilot: Part 2,” original air date Sept. 25, 1978, teleplay by Hugh Wilson, directed by Michael Zinberg

Truly, Les was a man before his time. Think what he could have done today on social media and cable news!

TV Quote of the Day (‘The Andy Griffith Show,’ on the Eternal Dilemma Facing Parents)

Sheriff Andy Taylor [played by Andy Griffith]: “You can't let a young’n decide for himself. He'll grab at the first flashy thing with shiny ribbons on it. Then, when he finds out there's a hook in it, it's too late. Wrong ideas come packaged with so much glitter that it's hard to convince ‘em that other things might be better in the long run. All a parent can do is say 'wait' and 'trust me' and try to keep temptation away."—The Andy Griffith Show, Season 2, Episode 6, “Opie's Hobo Friend,” original air date Nov. 13, 1961, teleplay by Harvey Bullock, directed by Bob Sweeney

There’s a reason why The Andy Griffith Show has aged so well. It’s not just because the sitcom treated its quirky characters with humor and humanity. It’s also because, in his down-home manner, Andy Griffith slipped in common sense and wisdom that viewers from all walks of life could appreciate.

Six decades ago, Andy Taylor had to contend with a homeless person showing son Opie how conniving and thieving could get what one wanted without having a job. Now, the presence of electronics (smartphones, TikTok, you name it—even penetrating a small town like Mayberry—makes it a million times more difficult for parents to “keep temptation away.”

In the early postwar period, they turned to Benjamin Spock’s Baby and Child Care as their bible for raising kids. But the pace of life these days is so rapid that revisions to these and other child-rearing manuals are obsolete as soon as they are printed.

This school year, parents will have to be extra careful to watch out for how “the first flashy thing with shiny ribbons on it” can affect their children. As a matter of fact, they will have to exercise the same vigilance towards themselves lest they fall for consumer—or political—scams.

TV Quote of the Day (‘Seinfeld,’ With Elaine’s Big Job-Interview Mistake)

 [Elaine Benes is on a job interview at Doubleday with “Mrs. Landis.”]

Mrs. Landis [played by Gail Strickland]: “Not many people have grace.”

Elaine [played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus]: “Well, you know, grace is a tough one. I like to think I have a little grace...not as much as Jackie [Onassis]…”

Mrs. Landis: “You can't have ‘a little grace.’ You either have grace, or you...don't.”

Elaine: “O.K., fine, I have...no grace.”

Mrs. Landis: “And you can't acquire grace.”

Elaine: “Well, I have no intention of ‘getting’ grace.”

Mrs. Landis: “Grace isn't something you can pick up at the market.”

Elaine [fed up]: “Alright, alright, look—I don't have grace, I don't want grace...I don't even say grace, O.K.?”

Mrs. Landis: “Thank you for coming in.”

Elaine: “Yeah, yeah, right.”

Mrs. Landis: “We'll make our choice in a few days, and we'll let you know.”

Elaine [stands up]: “I have no chance, do I?

Mrs. Landis: “No.” [They shake hands.]—Seinfeld, Season 6, Episode 1, “The Chaperone,” original air date Sept. 22, 1994, teleplay by Larry David, Bill Masters and Bob Shaw, directed by Andy Ackerman

TV Quote of the Day (‘30 Rock,’ on a Prerequisite for Serious Acting)

“You couldn't be serious about acting for a living. You have brown hair.” —Jenna Maroney [played by Jane Krakowski, pictured] to Liz Lemon [played by Tina Fey] in 30 Rock, Season 1, Episode 10, “The Rural Juror,” original air date Jan. 11, 2007, teleplay by Matt Hubbard, directed by Beth McCarthy-Miller

TV Quote of the Day (‘All in the Family,’ As Archie Reveals His Mastery of English—and German)

Archie Bunker [played by Carroll O’Connor]: “It's irrelative.”

Mike Stivic [played by Rob Reiner] [correcting him]: "Irrelevant."

Archie: “Whatever, it ain't German to the conversation.” —All in the Family, Season 1, Episode 3, “Archie’s Aching Back,” original air date Jan 26, 1971, teleplay by Norman Lear, Stanley Ralph Ross, and Johnny Speight, directed by John Rich

Carroll O’Connor, a veteran character actor who reached stardom as Queens blue-collar bigot Archie Bunker, was born 100 years ago today in Manhattan.

Over the last half dozen years, and especially during the isolation of COVID-19, I have been able to watch well-known actors in their more obscure roles. That has been an especially fascinating experience when it comes to watching the pre-Bunker career of O’Connor.

My jaw dropped, for instance, when I spotted him as Casca, one of the conspirators against Julius Caesar, amid the multitudinous cast members in the notorious 1963 epic Cleopatra. I also caught him, in more modern clothes, in the neo-noir films Marlowe and Point Blank, and the early Sixties cop show, Naked City.

Like another actor with a burly frame, James Gandolfini, he might have been fated simply to a career of colorful but subordinate roles until he came across a part that, at best, could be described as an anti-hero—someone who thinks (and often acts) appallingly, but who, through the actor’s overwhelming talent, becomes all too recognizably human.

O'Connor was a major reason why Norman Lear's sitcom became that era's equivalent of "Appointment TV" not only in America, but our house in particular. The actor, you see, bore something of a physical resemblance to my father.

I chose the above quote for a couple of reasons.

First, contrary to viewers who never noticed the show’s satiric bent, these lines make unmistakably clear that Bunker is an idiot who is continually shown up.

Second, I wouldn’t be surprised if this exchange, like many during the show’s run, was not in the original script but instead improvised by O’Connor.

(Incidentally, as the son of a liberal lawyer and teacher, the actor was not remotely close to the character he played. According to this 2001 Irish Echo article, some people had a difficult time believing it, notably the board of New York's famed Dakota, which looked askance at his application for an apartment. It took a reference from Paul O'Dwyer, the Irish-born New York lawyer, politician and activist whose progressive bona fides were beyond doubt, to do the trick.)

I can’t think of another character in sitcom history who’s fractured the English language with malapropisms more often or more hilariously than Archie Bunker.

With Rob Reiner, Sally Struthers, and then Jean Stapleton gone, O’Connor chose to continue playing the character that won him four Emmy Awards in Archie Bunker’s Place.

But without this trio as foils, I’m afraid it was like Michael Jordan closing out his career with the Washington Wizards without the “supporting cast” he enjoyed with the Chicago Bulls.

(Yes, I know he played Chief Bill Gillespie for eight seasons on In the Heat of the Night. But it’s like Dick Van Dyke: Do you remember him for the five years he played Rob Petrie on The Dick Van Dyke Show or the eight years he played Dr. Mark Sloan on Diagnosis: Murder?)

 

TV Quote of the Day (‘The Big Bang Theory,’ On Why Physics Is Like ‘Lost’)

Leonard Hofstadter [played by Johnny Galecki]: “It just turns out that physics is exactly like 'Lost.' It started out great and turns out just a big ol' waste of time.”— The Big Bang Theory, Season 11, Episode 2, “The Retraction Reaction,” original air date Oct. 2, 2017, teleplay by David Goetsch, Eric Kaplan, and Anthony Del Broccolo, directed by Mark Cendrowski

TV Quote of the Day (‘The Bob Newhart Show,’ In Which Bob Flashes an Unlikely Bit of Machismo)

Emily Hartley [played by Suzanne Pleshette]: “Bob, that boy just winked at me.”

Dr. Robert “Bob” Hartley [played by Bob Newhart]: “You want me to beat him up?”— The Bob Newhart Show, Season 2, Episode 17, “The Modernization of Emily,” original air date Jan 12, 1974, teleplay by Charlotte Brown, directed by Peter Baldwin

In the Seventies, my two favorite sitcoms were All in the Family and The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Whenever I happened to watch their later mainstay in CBS’ Saturday night lineup, The Bob Newhart Show, I would chuckle but not guffaw, as I did with its two powerhouse lead-ins.

Since then, I have gone back and watched episodes of this six-season series, and its gentle, understated tone has worn well with time, reflecting the sure comic instincts of its star.

After six nominations, Bob Newhart finally won an Emmy Award, at age 84, with his hilarious guest appearance as “Professor Proton,” a former science TV show host turned children's party entertainer, on The Big Bang Theory.

The entertainment industry lost one of its greats yesterday with the passing of Newhart. His comic style— deadpan, mild-mannered, without an ounce of meanness—reflected, by all accounts, the personality of this beloved star.

TV Quote of the Day (‘WKRP in Cincinnati,’ on the Station’s Unbelievable Summer Promo)

[The radio station is getting involved in a big charity promotion.]

Arthur Carlson [played by Gordon Jump] “And the theme this year...” [thumbs up] “…is Surf City, USA.”

Jennifer Marlowe [played by Loni Anderson] [incredulously]: “In Cincinnati, Ohio?” — WKRP in Cincinnati, Season 2, Episode 21, “Filthy Pictures: Part 1,” original air date Mar. 3, 1980, teleplay by Steve Marshall and Dan Guntzelman, directed by Rod Daniel

TV Quote of the Day (‘The Mary Tyler Moore Show,’ As Ted Protests His On-Air Embarrassment)

Ted Baxter [played by Ted Knight]: “Why are you giving a fifty-dollar-a-week raise to someone who told me to shut up on the air?”

Lou Grant [played by Edward Asner]: “It's all I could afford, Ted.” —The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Season 3, Episode 1, “The Good-Time News,” original air date Sept. 16, 1972, teleplay by James L. Brooks and Allan Burns, directed by Hal Cooper 

TV Quote of the Day (‘Fernwood 2Night,’ Sending Up an Early EV and ‘70s Talk Shows)

Barth Gimble [played by Martin Mull]: “Virgil, why don’t you tell us what we got here, huh?”

Virgil Sims [played by Jim Varney]: “Well, I’m as concerned as the next fella about this energy crisis and, uh, I believe clean air is everybody's business.”

Barth: “Absolutely.”

Virgil: “And I've been working on, uh, developing me a low-cost, high-efficiency, battery-powered car.”

Barth: “Battery-powered.”

Virgil: “Yeah and I—there it is. I finally finished it and I copyrighted this sucker. Okay, and besides catting me around town real good, this little baby might make quite a few big bucks!”

[Gimble second banana Jerry Hubbard gets into the car.]

Barth: “Well, that’s great.” [Noticing Jerry in the driver’s seat, getting ready to turn on the ignition.] “Jerry, no, and don’t touch anything!” [Opening the door, impatiently.] “Jerry, out of the car! It's patented, Jerry, and you don't have a license.” [Jerry gets out of the car. To Virgil, as Garth moves toward the driver seat]: “You know, he loves to ride in the car, though. You should see: you have to roll the window down like with the dogs [sticking his neck there in imitation]. He’s crazy.”

Jerry Hubbard [played by Fred Willard] [indicating the window over the driver’s seat]: “You can stick your head right up through there.”

Barth: “Yeah, you can save yourself a lot of trouble. Why don't you stick it up there and I'll try to roll it shut?”

Jerry [obliviously]: “Like you’re going over a bridge.”

Barth: “Yeah, it looks like a police car there with hair on it.”— Fernwood 2Night, Season 1, Episode 59, “Battery-Powered Car,” original air date Sept. 22, 1977, teleplay by Bob Illes, Wayne Kline, Norman Lear, Tom Moore, James R. Stein, Jeremy Stevens, and Alan Thicke

The actor-comedian Martin Mull, who died at age 80 in Los Angeles, was a familiar presence on film (e.g., Clue) and even more on TV, with guest appearances in such series as Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Roseanne, Two and a Half Men, His and Hers, and The Ellen Show.

But for me, nothing could top where I saw him first, as talk-show host Barth Gimble in the Seventies talk-show parody Fernwood 2Night. 

The show ended all too soon—after three months and 65 episodes, before morphing into America 2 Night for a similarly short run the following year. 

But it managed to mercilessly mock late-night television by reducing it to an absolute absurdity: offering the kind of broadcasting fare one might find in the fictional Middle America small town of Fernwood, Ohio.

Central to the show’s hilarity was the dialogue between Gimble and Hubbard, which spotlighted the relationship between a dim-witted, phony talk-show host and his stooge of a second banana. 

It foreshadowed the same dynamic between Larry Sanders and Hank Kingsley in Garry Shandling’s longer-lasting acclaimed Nineties satire, The Larry Sanders Show.

(Indeed, Shandling recognized this connection—and paid tribute to his friend—by having him appear on the latter show.)

As soon as I discovered this scene on YouTube, I felt its irresistible tug. It’s not only a perfect example of the Gimble-Hubbard relationship, but made me chuckle at the thought of Virgil Sims as a small-town—but far less successful—forerunner of Elon Musk.

Some of the TV shows most worth remembering last the shortest. That was the case with Fernwood 2Night. Fortunately, Mull’s career lasted considerably longer, and later generations will be able to rediscover his talent repeatedly.

TV Quote of the Day (‘Sanford and Son,’ As a Musical Gift Leads to Disharmony)

Fred G. Sanford [played by Redd Foxx]: “Hey, Lamont, I almost forgot about you. I got you a quadriphonic stereo!”

Lamont Sanford [played by Demond Wilson]: “Hey, all right!”

[Fred hands him the headsets used on the airplane.]

Lamont: “Hey, man, you need an airplane for these things to work.”

Fred: “No, you don't. Put them on.”

[Lamont does, then Fred starts singing the Ink Spots into the other end.]

Fred: “ ‘And would I be sure...’”

Lamont [Yanks the headsets off, then pulls the other end out of Fred's hand and he stops singing]: “What kind of gift is this to give your son?”

Aunt Esther Anderson [played by LaWanda Page]: “Yup, that's him.” [sounding like a bird] “Cheap! Cheap! Cheap!”

Fred [smiling] “Hey, listen to that. The sound of a chicken coming from a buzzard!”— Sanford and Son, Season 4, Episode 1, “The Surprise Party,” original air date Sept. 13, 1974, teleplay by Saul Turteltaub and Bernie Orenstein, directed by Norman Abbott