Gordon in the morning: Ice shards

Last week, Gordon Smart was treating Hulk Hogan like he was still an important cultural force. Turns out Gordon's still trapped in 1986 as today it's Vanilla Ice.

Gordon nods as Ice talks about his comeback tour:

The rapper is gearing up for his comeback tour and says: "I want to hit arenas and really put on a big show. I want lasers, pyros and all that stuff, a huge production."

I suspect this hasn't been run past Ice's accountant. I say "accountant", I mean his nephew who's got Excel on his computer.

"There are a few acts I like that would be great to support me – Tinie Tempah, he would be cool.

"A lot of people don't know who he is in the States, they don't play Tinie on the radio over there."

That's the big difference between Ice and Tempah - Ice is transatlantic, and isn't played on the radio either side of the ocean.

But Ice isn't a deluded fantasist - he knows that he might not get Tempah. Don't worry, though, he has a plan b. It isn't Plan B:

"I like Dizzee Rascal too. We hung out at Glastonbury and some of the other festivals so if Tinie can't do it maybe he will."

Yes. Let's hope that that mobile number Rascal gave to Ice doesn't turn out to be the number of a mincab firm in Hounslow, shall we?

Even Gordon struggles with this:

Chesney Hawkes might be keen.

Which does undercut Ice nicely. Unfortunately, it does come at the end of a big splash piece and enormous photo. If Smart believes Ice is a fantasist, why give him so much space in the first place?

Ice ice baby

Vanilla Ice is, apparently, on the shortlist for Dancing On Ice. Although, sadly, he isn't the "Ice" upon which the dancing will happen.

Jedward... oh, they're still here. Isn't that enough?

Last year, Vanilla Ice teamed up with MC Hammer in what seemed like the lowest point in his career.

It seemed so. But now he's sinking even lower, as Ice teams up with Jedward to cover his own record:

"Ice couldn't wait to work with the boys after seeing their performance.

"He thought it was genius and now sees the chance to bring his record to a much younger audience.

"The boys even look like he did back in the early days."

To be fair, I've still got a box of Mince Pies that have passed their sell-by date which I still intend to enjoy later tonight, so you can understand why Jedward haven't yet been sent back to wherever it is they came from, but taking a joke which wasn't funny and coupling it with another joke that wasn't funny doesn't suddenly make a worthwhile project. Sometimes, if the bowl doesn't flush, you should think about calling the plumber instead of adding more to the mix.

[Thanks to Michael M]

Madonna: dressing for motherhood

In a bid to try and pretend that it does more than print pictures of ladies in sexy clothing, the Daily Mail has decided to turn its shot of Madonna at a party into a think piece:

Is that really a suitable dress for someone trying to win an adoption case Madonna?

[...]
The self-proclaimed Material Girl appeared to lack plenty of the aforementioned substance as her Louis Vuitton mini dress and thigh-high boots showed off the tops of her thighs, her muscular arms and plenty of décolletage.

But was that really the outfit for someone who is currently battling a high-profile adoption case?

The Daily Mail Reporter, called, erm, Daily Mail Reporter, apparently thinks that the courts might not have heard of Madonna before, and - seconds before shoveling babies into her shopping basket - someone will burst in to the court room waving photos of last night's Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Ball yelling "stop! she has gone out in public showing her arms! She is not suitable for motherhood!"

This is Madonna, Daily Mail Reporter. She's published a book featuring a photo of herself getting a back-handed compliment from Vanilla Ice. She advertised Pepsi by having a squirt off a man who was meant to be Jesus. She... well, you can add your own favourite example of Madonna public indignity here. Going out wearing a pair of kinky boots is unlikely to swing the court at this point.

Thatcher-off: Number nine

So, an early lead for music after Thatcher, thanks to Kylie power. Funny that an economic migrant has given Thatch the lead, eh?

Let us climb a place higher:

Number 9, April 1979 - M - Pop Muzik



"You're living in a disco" claimed Robin Scott, "forget about the rat race". You might as well, as you're not going to get any sleep with all that pumping music and flashing lights. Maybe you should have taken the rooms above the butcher's instead.

A fine love letter to pop music. You can't complain about that.

Number 9, November 1990 - Vanilla Ice - Ice, Ice Baby



The Thatcher years were a difficult time for race relations, weren't they?

After two rounds, then: Pre-Thatcher 1, Post-Thatcher 1.

Another round to follow in about an hour...

Together at last: Ice and Hammer

Yes, yes, you can have your Batman and Superman; yes, yes, you might even enjoy seeing DeNiro and Pacino side-by-side, no matter how ropey the finished product might prove to be.

But here's the tie-up to end all tie-ups: Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer, united, together, as one. In, erm, Hammer Pants And Ice.

I suppose, at least, you couldn't accuse them of taking themselves too seriously.

Vanilla Ice: His DJ revolves it, don't you know?

Having been a figure of everyone else's fun for a decade or so, you might almost find it in your heart to forgive Vanilla Ice for trying to make a few quid off his reputation for himself.

But, oh dear: Not like this, Van Winkle, not like this:

Now Ice is taking us back, with a new album called Vanilla Ice is Back! Hip Hop Classics containing 4 new versions of the song that made the world sing as well as 10 covers of classic 90’s hits from House of Pain’s “Jump Around” to Public Enemy’s “Fight the Power”.

Yes, that's the PR puff for his new album. And, yes, you read that correctly: it's got four versions of Ice Ice Baby - at least four versions more than strictly essential - and that's merely the injury to the insult of him having a crack at Fight The Power.

Fight The Power.

He's promoting the... well, shall we call it a collection to be kind? He's promoting the collection with a series of appearances in bars; presumably the hope is that people will be too drunk to notice.

Spectactularly bitter men

With the death of Jam Master Jay, and with it the end of the endless whining about how Jason Nevins had had the cheek to make a little bit of money while giving Run DMC their first chart hit in ages, comes a vacancy for the Most Bitter Little Man of Hip Hop.

Benzino has shown himself to be a contender, launching a dull, predictable attack on Eminem - he's 2003's Vanilla Ice, apparently.

Well, maybe, but surely the point is that he's also been 2002, 2001, 2000 and 1999's Vanilla Ice as well, and as such no Vanilla Ice at all.

But what could have led Benzino to be so amazingly bitter? Well, Benzino - real name snicker Raymond - claims to have "birthed" Eminem's career and thinks he now owes him. Of course you haven't heard of him. Why do you think he's a bitter little man?