Shall we check in with Terry Christian?

I wonder what's on the mind of Word presenter, music writer and Dj Terry Christian these days.

Hey, he might be on Twitter. Let's have a look.

Save the NHS and councils100s of millions by making couples have blood test before getting married - stamp out the publically funded horror

— terry christian (@terrychristian) April 25, 2014

I'm sorry, what?

And may seem harsh but if couple too genetically close have kid born disabled -make them pay for kid and not tax payer - RT if agree

— terry christian (@terrychristian) April 25, 2014

Even just setting aside for a moment the miserable, life-crushing, bean-counting pettiness of these views, let's just look at the practical proposal. At the point that a couple get married, they will be screened to see if the State will provide for their child. If you assume that's desirable, you would also have to believe that no couple ever has sex without being married first. And all this measure would do is make it less likely that people would ever get married.

But let's not worry about the logic too much, because what's important here is Terry Christian suggesting that people be forced to be screened for purity of their bloodline prior to marriage.

I know what you're thinking - that sounds a bit like a particular strain of political thought. But Terry's ahead of you.

I'm a socialist but time we clamped down on paying for child care for kids from incestuous relationships - kinky for your cousin you pay

— terry christian (@terrychristian) April 25, 2014

He's a socialist, just one afraid that certain types of relationship might cost the nation money.

But he's a socialist.

He's got the national interest at heart.

I think we can agree on this; it's simply that Terry is some sort of, if you will, National Socialist.

What Terry is talking about here is people with disabilities. Times change, though, and the way we talk about these issues can change; the labels used adapt over time. Perhaps Terry has a phrase rather than "people with disabilities" he'd like to use instead?

@Flexbrowne if we bring in blood tests they won't as less disabilties - no legal marriage if too genetically close = no inbreed kids

— terry christian (@terrychristian) April 25, 2014

"Inbreed kids". Yes, that's probably the sensitive term you're after, Terry.

But isn't this all a little, well, political? Especially given that they'd usually get Mark Lamarr to deal with the slightly more thinky bits on The Word?

@LiamElliott92 not about 'politics' about what makes sense in s society - I'm not into waving flags

— terry christian (@terrychristian) April 25, 2014

I think there's a pretty big flag waving here, Terry.

No, hang on, he really isn't being political.

Politics -so we all have to be in a box then for you simpletons @LiamElliott92: @terrychristian your politics are arse from elbow at times."

— terry christian (@terrychristian) April 25, 2014

It's just your prejudices, reader, that makes this into a political discussion. After all, he's only suggesting that, in order to reduce payments from the state, that the state refuses to sanction marriage and obliges everyone who wishes to get married to have a blood test first. It's not like the government introducing rules like that would be in any way a political act, right?

After a little while, Christian appears to rein back from suggesting blood tests for engaged couples, and attempts to recast his policy in what I think feels is a warmer, more consensual light:

Your kid is disabled - Doctor says its cos you are too close genetically to have more kids - should tax payers pay for your future kids

— terry christian (@terrychristian) April 25, 2014

Here he is, meeting people half way - we should only be screening people who already have one child with disabilities and stopping them from having any more. A crowd-pleasing 'first inbreed kid free' policy from Terry, if you like. The man is all heart.

Not everyone disagreed with Christian, though: he found some support, which he retweeted to prove he wasn't some sort of nasty man out of step with decent society:

@thisisamy_ well said @terrychristian

— Stephe Meloy (@Staircase2) April 25, 2014

Oh... hang on a moment...

@Staircase2 @terrychristian @thisisamy_ he meant well said to the girl, not you Terry you inbred twat

— King Charlatan (@kingcharlatan) April 25, 2014

I know what you're thinking: Terry Christian must be totally confident in his data and understanding of the subject to float such a severe-sounding policy. Terry, let's establish your bona fides, shall we?

HND in applied Biology - and you @FrankButcher77: @terrychristian @chriswray2 Really! Learn about genetics etc...You cock."

— terry christian (@terrychristian) April 25, 2014

Christian does indeed have an HND in Applied Biology, which he obtained at Thames Poly at the start of the 1980s. His specialism, though, was microbiology rather than genetics. So not entirely relevant, and certainly not current.

But still, it's a start. And presumably he has some up-to-date evidence, too?

Mates daughter is a doctor and mates who work for council @cribbesque: why would this even bother you ? Personal experience maybe?"

— terry christian (@terrychristian) April 25, 2014

If you need any further footnotes, there's sure to be a bloke down the pub who used to date a physical therapist and a woman he met who once played Etty Darwin in a stage play he can call on, too.

Remember, gentle reader: all Terry wants to do is save your tax money from the grubbing fingers of inbreed kids with kinky parents. Is that really any reason to think of him as grubby, greedy, selfish, horrific skein of a man?

Celebrity Big Brother: What, exactly, is a Lucy Pinder?

So, in yesterday's batch of highlights from Channel 4's rest home for the famous but confused, the producers injected a note of cruelty into proceedings by making people demonstrate the skills which made them famous-enough-for-celebrity-Big-Brother.

Poor LaToya found herself singing along to one of her brother's songs and Mutya was invited to do a Sugababes song, rather than one of her solo efforts.

At least Michelle Heaton was allowed to do a Liberty X song - although that turned out to be even crueller, given that she could no more hit a note than a double-decker bus could hide in a single-storey garage. She was given a costume, in a bid to ape the latex-clad video for Just A Little Bit; sadly, it was a cheap PVC catsuit which appeared to have been wrestled off the back of a burly transvestite minutes before Heaton clambered in to it.

Terry Christian looked like he enjoyed it, though. Christian - by virtue of having been backward in coming forward on the first night - had earned the power of judge and jury over this looking-glass Butlins' talent night, and would later have to name those who he felt had insufficient talent to remain in the house. "Ooh, you've made me the bad guy again" he moaned in the diary room, trying to look like he didn't like the attention - something which he had about as much success with as he did disguising his loinal stirrings while Heaton strumped about in the baggy plastic.

One of those who he put up for the chop was Lucy Pinder, on the grounds that he'd never heard of her before. "I've never seen her in a bikini, I've never seen her with her... for want of a better word, waps out." Really, Terry? You couldn't think of a better word? Really?

To be fair, Pinder had pretty much flunked the 'why I'm famous' round, starting off by once again calling herself "a little bit Tory" (oh, how fantastically contrary for a rich-but-dim woman to vote Conservative). "I don't really like Gordon and his team" she underlined (ah, that sort of Tory - one who doesn't like the Labour party.) She then explained that she felt Brown had betrayed what they originally believed in while in power - but since Brown once strongly believed in good, old Clause 4 values, surely someone who supported Tory values would be delighted that Brown had turned his back on all that socialism stuff? Isn't it a little like saying you hate rain and then complaining that there's a drought on?

Unless Pinder really meant that she thought Brown was betraying Blairism - she is quite young, she might think that Labour has always been a centre-right social democratic party and that, by privatisingnationalising banks, he's turning his back on all that. Unfortunately, she didn't explain further because she then started to churn on about how great her job is - "I met the Bo Selecta bear..."

You wonder if Channel 4 have told Pinder to mention her mushy-right-wing politics frequently in a bid to provide some sort of Ofcom-calming balance to Tommy Sheridan's leftist blasts. Sheridan did, to his credit, take full opportunity to condemn the Iraq war at the top of his lungs - "I speak truth to power" he roared. If Pinder is meant to be the balance to this, it's like planting carrots in the hope they'll provide a windbreak for the rest of the garden.

I'm not quite sure how Ben Adams demonstrated the reason why he's well-known: how do you illustrate 'making teenagers feel strange tinglings they've never had before'?
[UPDATED: Thanks, Gatz, for pointing out the slip]

Liveblog: Celebrity Big Brother

The cost of inviting O'Meara et al on two years back: This year, not only is Celebrity Big Brother sharing a sponsor with "prime time on ITV3", but they're even using the same break bumpers. Oh, the shame.

So, Davina - dressed in an ostrich with Freak-from-Cell-Block-H gloves - is here to detail which C-Listers are prepared to risk everything for a chance to get invited back onto the B-List. Brought to you by Dreams, who must also be quivering alongside the collapse of MFI and the difficulties of their sofa-pushing brethren. Who do you have, Davina?

First: Latoya Jackson. Or possible a marionette Michael Jackson. Endemol could have been cruel, and given her the task of pretending she was her brother for the first couple of days, but they don't.

She claims the luxury bedroom, without even a second thought. Her intro tape is actually quite poignant: "I don't really know the world." She's hoping that Celeb Big Brother will teach her about it. Clearly not been sent tapes of previous years' programmes, then.

"I used to be in a girl group" - yes, it's Mutya, who tries to stress that there's more to her than "ex-Sugababe", but really knows there isn't. "There were a lot of rumours that we didn't get on" she observes, before effectively confirming them.

Her diamond tooth has the unfortunate effect of making her look a little Bugs Bunny when shot half-smiling. Still, at least UK contestants know they're expected to keep up a monologue as they go down the stairs and into the living room. LaToya was like a mime.

Vern Toyer was in Austin Powers, you know. Not that he goes on about it very much. (To be fair, he doesn't really want to drag up Shasta McNasty, does he?). He's got a plan. It's an evil plan. Like, you know, Doctor Evil out the film Austin Powers. Which he was in.

As he goes in - the back way, with a woman who tried to pretend she wasn't there even while he was asking her questions - Davina gushes: "how cute!" Not, of course, that she's be condescending in any way. Oh no.

Is "friend of George Galloway" a new political euphemism? It's used of Tommy Sheridan, who seems convinced that he's famous for his Poll Tax work rather than the nasty business with the News Of The World. Davina is called upon to add a bit of voiceover work to try and keep the legal team happy when he gets to that.

Sheridan seems convinced that he's entering the series "on my terms"; actually, he enters on a sea of boos.

Cut to the house, which is currently attempting to earn its entertainment corn by streaming live pictures of semi-famous people reading off laminated sheets.

Goodness, a woman who is famous for showing her breasts in tired magazines insisting that, hey, she's not like the stereotyped blonde airhead. Lucy Pinder proudly describes herself as "a bit Tory", which must be why she's adopted the free market in looking down her blouse.

"Don't put me in with a bleeding heart liberal" she pleads. Well, nobody has ever accused Sheridan of liberalism, I suppose.

Aaah! Ben from A1! Puppy eyes and... what's this? He's dissing his floppy curtain hair? Thinks it now looked awful? Bah, Ben. So, what have you been up to since you adjusted your hairstyle to fit the thinning at the back, exactly?

"I'm now known as a songwriter and a producer", he claims, bravely.

Adams tells us that he doesn't like going to celebrity hang outs - the people are arrogant, apparently. And, of course, it gets annoying being told that your name isn't on the clipboard.

Time is getting short for the programme - Ben is virtually manhandled through the doors.

Tina Malone lists her cv - "fat, Scouse, funny, bipolar, OCD". Oh, and ex-Brookside. It's cruel to put someone suffering from having been in Brookside into such an environment, surely?

"She's lost four stone seven pounds so far this year" trills Dav excitedly - which is really sticking to a new year's resolution with a vengeance. It turns out Malone has had a gastric band fitted, which sits awkwardly with her proud "I'm fat and healthy" claims on her intro tape.

Don't call it a comeback. Okay, Coolio - how about "a last brief grab for the spotlights before obscurity rolls in to reclaim its own?"

While lisiting his desires to be fanned by a naked young girl - "over eighteen" - he also details his wonderful career. I'm not sure, though, but if you're feeling the need to mention a World Music Award, you could look a little like you're desperate to pad.

He goes in wearing a mask on the back of his head - so it looks like he's walking backwards, if you ignore the mask being a bit crappy. It does have a tattooed tear, though - do you get tattoo tears for being in Big Brother?

At one point, Coolio compares himself to God, in a "I'm not really saying I'm like God, but - hey - you could see how people might get confused, right" tongue-in-cheek way.

Bloody hell, did Liberty X really drag on for six godless years? Michelle 'ooh, I were right fat back then' Heaton is next up. "I was married to Andy Scott-Lee for..." (insert your own 'contractual reasons' punchline here). It turns out that marriage was difficult because of the press interest - presumably in that once the press interest dried up, the marriage ceased to exist, like a light going off as a fridge door slams shut.

She took advice from Jordan and Peter about being on reality TV. It's not recorded if Jordan pointed out that her entire bloody working life has been being on reality TV, but since Lucy Pinder has previously implied Jordan is as thick as a kitten with glue on its paws, probably not.

As Heaton enters, Coolio immediately slides a glass of champagne into her hand. He really is slick.

So, all that vitriol Terry Christian got when he was presenting The Word? That was because all the media commentators wanted his job - which he suggests was "interviewing Sharon Stone and introducing Nirvana", rather than stumbling over the autocue, throwing to Hufty's OB from a nightclub in Goole and inviting people to eat maggots. He does, however, suggest the Word was a "septic T4", which only really underlines that he's not been on television for an age and most teenagers couldn't be blinking in "who's he" bafflement any harder than if Alvar Liddell had been clambering up the scaffolding steps.

He bounds over to Coolio and says "a long time ago, you were on a show of mine". Like he was Lew Grade.

"I guess most people will remember me from Ulrika, the pilot comedy show that somehow the BBC were persuaded to make for me," explains Ulrika, "although I'm also well known for my part in the John Leslie business a few years back." No, alright, she doesn't. Actually, she says that "people still shout 'ka-ka-ka' in the street" - and, sometimes, "look out, there's a bicycle behind you". Ulrika's main job in the house will be to be taller than everyone else, thereby providing a reference point in turmoil.

A quick trip back outside for Davina to run through the names again. Crowd reaction suggests BEN TO WINNN1111!!!; however, when the cameras return to the house, he's stood watching Coolio reading out the rules looking for all the world like an unmarried uncle at a children's party: desperate to be having fun, but with the creeping suspicion that he's made a terrible, terrible mistake.

Still, early days. There's 22 days of this to go.

Lest we forget
Ofcom verdict on CBB 2007
The celebrities enter the 2006 house

Celebrity Big Brother: You can never accuse Guardian readers of being ill-informed

A vague couple of words speculating that LaToya Jackson might be this year's Jackson in the Big Brother house unleashed an enormous monster of a Jackson fan in the comments:

You would only have to bother Googling La Toya Jackson to know that she too is representing the pop world, with 10 albums released since 1980, a Grammy nomination for her songwriting. A few people out there may also know her recent US club chart hits Just Wanna Dance and Free The World under her alias 'Toy'. She was also part of USA for Africa - We Are The World too. Her last UK releases were 1988's You're Gonna Get Rocked single with hip-hop superproducers Full Force and the accompanying LP with tracks by Stock Aitken Waterman amongst others. She's a best-selling author, actress, and her Playboy issues are still the biggest sellers of all time. It'll be great to see her back. Last time she was over here was in 2005 on Frank Skinner, supporting Michael and talking about her life. It should be a great 3 weeks of top telly with Toy on board.

Wow... more people wanted to look at her naked in Playboy than anyone else, huh? That's quite an, erm, achievement (outselling Debbie Gibson's vagina? Who wouldn't be proud?). Still, it's actually quite sweet to see that Jackson still has fans so proud of her that they'll submit a biography to counter any suggestion she might be less famous than Mutya from the Sugababes. I say "fans"; jumping to the conclusion that the press handout might have come straight from the PR team who have got her into this mess in the first place might be uncharitable.

Amongst the others being tipped for a place in the programme which is part handbasket, part tumbrel, are Terry Christian (recently lost his unfair dismissal claim against the BBC on the grounds that, erm, he didn't work for them); Michelle Heaton out of Liberty X (sort of undermining Popbitch's belief that they somehow beat Hear'Say in the long run); Ulrika (getting GBP175,000 - more than anyone else, according to Wikipedia); Lucy Pinder (apparently not owning a shirt now constitutes 'celebrity'); Malcolm Gladwell (hoping to discover exactly where his tipping point is); Verne Toyer (as part of his bid to appear on any reality programme that will have him); Tina Malone (off of Brookside); Coolio (wearing a tshirt reading 'self-parody? what does that even mean?') and Ben from A1, who will spend the three days before he's evicted wandering around showing off his nipples.

Terry Christian gets the word from the judge: No

Terry Christian has been in court this week, somehow trying to argue that, despite having had a freelance contract to present on BBC Radio Manchester, when that contract expired and wasn't renewed that he was somehow treated unfairly.

He also complained - bemusingly - that his producers gave him scripts with things to say on them, like everyone else on radio gets from time to time. (Perhaps someone should have tried that when he was doing The Word?)

The judge has rejected his claims for unfair dismissal.