Brits 2013: The Liveblog

7.40
If it doesn't start with Adele wandering onto stage saying "as I was about to say..." the Brits will have failed in their very first few seconds.

Welcome, then, to the 2013 Brits Live Blog. Yes, a liveblog - something which, like an open branch of HMV, you hardly ever come across these days and, when you do find one, it's stuffed full of disappointing box sets and bitter, bitter tears.

This is the third, and final, year of James Corden three-year run as host, in which time we've probably only learned that signing up people to host 36 months in advance is an act of folly.

I wonder which Corden we'll get tonight - will it be Tony-Winning toast of Broadway Corden, giving a show so meek as to be unwatchable? Or it will be Mail-baiting Big Fat Quiz Corden, making jokes about bumming the Queen and cystitis, and equally unwatchable?

We'll find out in about fifteen minutes. Refresh often...

7.49
Blimey, ITV Player is horrible. "Come to ITV... if you can even find a live feed, you'll have to sit through four pre-rolls..."

7.58
ITV is doing an advert for itself. It's where life lives, apparently. And where awards shows go to die.

8.00
Microsoft apparently going to be advertising heavily tonight, by the looks of things.

These Damien Hirst Brit Awards are a bit... well, the sort of thing you'd expect Sainsburys to come up with if they were going to flog awards as part of the summer sale. I guess we're lucky he went with his dot stuff rather than offering a Britannia cut in half and suspended in formaldyhede.

Oh... "The biggest night of the year in British music". Except for Glastonbury on Sunday, and the Christmas Number One.

Muse not a bad choice for starting, although they could have been on any year in the last ten. At least they work in a massive hole like Earls CourtThe O2. Or a supermassive black hole... do you see?

They've come with a lot of string players, which might be an extra detail for tonight, or possibly what they do every show nowadays. They're very in the 'I don't care it what it costs, let's add a couple of orchestras' phase of their career, aren't they?

8.05
Heavy make-up on the string section. Possibly two tonnes of eyeliner on stage right there. A level unseen since the last Cure tour.

8.06
Dominic Howard has both the clothing and demeanour of someone regretting booking a Cromer minibreak so soon in the year.

8.07
Thanks to anonymous in the comments for pointing out the best British live band are miming.

Corden is a bit more up than he was last year. "How about Muse?" Corden promises something for us however we like our music, before detailing a menu which offers the opposite.

An appearance for MySpace's Justin Timberlake is offered as the big highlight.


8.09
Mumford And Sons are going to tell us about their shortlisted album in their own words. Apparently a second album doubles the size of the window people can look into. Yes, French Doors do that, also.

There's something special about Mumfords, a band whose every exposure makes them seem less interesting.

James Corden loves them, apparently.

First award: British female. It's going to be presented by Taylor Swift. Corden does some jokes about how poorly organised the end of last year's awards were.

Swift has a prepared joke but it got swallowed by the sound man.

8.12
Oh, yes, this is the category being dead for over a year is no bar to entering.

The winner is... Emeli Sande.

Well, at least that means she'll be prepared to do the song at the end.

Seriously: What is the obsession with her? Is it just everyone keeps seeing her doing things like the Olympics and assumes there's something they're missing.

She thanks EMI.

8.15
Oh, we're doing the sub-Jools Holland interviews at the table, are we?

Corden calls One Direction toe-rags. He's such a card.

8.20
I was going to have a quick dip into Twitter during the ad break, but unfortunately it's all ONE DIRECTION I SAW HARRY'S NOSE OMG!!!1!

Corden's introducing someone who is "so massive they're going to have to build the O3". Is that a fat joke?

Robbie Williams appears to have come as Q*Bert.

Candy is very much Williams' Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da, isn't it? Pity he doesn't have a White Album to offset it.

8.22
The comment suggesting that setting up 4000 cellos would be hard reminded me of that Smith And Jones soundchecking the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

British Group time. Mumfords v Alt-J v The XX v Muse v One Direction. But for the last one, that could be the NME prizes.

Mumfords win, thereby making themselves hate figures for a large cross-section of prepubescent girls in the UK and America.

8.27
Mumfords are "proud to be British". Sure, that's what Morrissey says.

Corden does another joke about Harry Styles having lots of sex.

Nick Grimshaw comes on to do Breakthrough Award - voted for by listeners to Radio One. Could it be break-bumper starlet Rita Ora?

No, it's Ben Howard. A man who is so dull his name sounds like a chain-store attempt to create a trendy sub-brand to sell its jeans under.

8.30
Corden is at the table with Dave Grohl. Grohl waves, goofily. Which was cute, but the cuteness drops as he gets a long period of time to plug his film.

James Corden finds his pretending to be deaf joke funnier than just about anyone else did.

Simon Cowell gets to loom on the screen for no real reason other than ITV is trying to shore him up.

Plan B does a little video about Ill Manors. "It was a weight off my shoulders to get it done", he says, like it was putting down a much-loved pet.

"I do music to evoke something out of another human being" explains Mr B, confusingly.

8.35
Did James Corden mention there was going to be a performance by Justin Timberlake? Because there is, you know. It's coming up. It really is.

Shazam are offering the chance to Shazam the Skyfall ad. Do people really do that? Isn't that just an audio version of a QR code?

8.36
The Twitter hivemind point out, almost as one, that Robbie Williams couldn't have been miming based on how flat he was.

And we're back. A world exclusive performance, and the first horsemeat joke of the evening.

It's Timberlake. Jesus, wasn't this meant to be the highspot? They've got 90 minutes to go.

Justin wearing a horrible shiny dinner jacket and outsize bowtie. It's like a fetish waiter outfit. First rule of showbiz, Justin - never let your backing singers be smarter than you.

8.40
I wonder if Justin Timberlake reads today's stories about Bieber crime plots thinking "I used to be the guy who'd be the one who they'd want to kidnap and castrate. What happened to me?"

The good news for Justin is that he's starting to reach a point where Kevin Spacey could play him in a movie.

8.42
Oof. Acousticy-clap-along bit. The clapping along appears to have been dubbed on the top. That's awkward.

8.44
Oh god, we're only onto the third nominee for best album. It's Paloma Faith.

More and more, it's clear that she's the Su Pollard of our time. Without the solid sitcom behind her.

Faith claims she's been inspired by the people furthest away from her. Might explain why she bellows songs so often.

8.46
Ed Sheeran is coming on, but not before James Corden reminds us he won a prize last year. Ye gods, he did, didn't he?

This is the solo male prize - remember, once won by Daniel Bedingfield, so they don't give it to just anyone.

Ben Howard has picked it up. "He's known for constant touring" it's explained. And also comfy slacks at £17.99.

I mean, he seems nice enough. But... really? This is the best we can do? They're not showing this in America are they?

Ah, we're on to the Critics Choice Award, which is really a prize to show which artist will get the biggest marketing push from their label this year.

It's Tom Odell, who says that winning is "crazy". He has the air of a man caught in a crazy whirlwind of craziness, but chosen to have a nap until it goes away.

Emeli Sande also does a bit of an interview, but reacts like a woman who has never been asked a question before in her life and isn't entirely sure she's meant to participate in a conversation anyway.

8.52
Beyonce has become the first woman to market gig tickets like they were a perfume.

Apparently Americans can watch the Brits on Fuse at 6pm tonight, although if anyone there was expected to watch them, they wouldn't be on Fuse. Or on at 6pm.

Is it just me or is there a massive gap between awards tonight?

International Female, presented by Dermot O'Leary and Sharon 'Really? In 2013?' Osborne.

8.57
Sharon is doing a silly voice and pretending she finds Harry Styles sexually attractive.

Alicia Keys is on the shortlist here - she's the international equivalent of Emeli Sande, isn't she? Inexplicably everywhere but seldom loved.

Lana Del Ray is the winner, though. Nice to see the prize going to a genuine artist, isn't it? Cough.

8.59
Lana thanks Polydor for "helping me turn my life into a work of art". I'm not sure either part of that claim is entirely true,

One Direction come on in front of a backdrop reading "Teenage Kicks" - apt, given that was a song about wanking.

I'd forgotten they were murdering the memory of Blondie in the name of charity.

9.01
Hey, where's the posh bloke from the video for this?

"I wanna love you Nobby Stiles" they appear to be chanting.

Back to the album nominees, and Emeli Sande is talking about Our Version Of Events. Apparently the recognition she's been getting makes her want to go out and do something else. See, told you it'd be better if we didn't look, didn't I?

9.05
Jokes about metrosexuality in 2013? Really, James Corden?

It's the gymnast out the Olympics and Jack Whitehall doing British Live Act. This award is traditionally judged by counting the number of cellos added to the band during their live performances.

9.07
"Make some noise! Coldplay!" Make some noise? For Coldplay?

Even Coldplay seem surprised that they've somehow managed to get a prize in this year's awards. Not so surprised they don't thank everyone they can think of.

Hang on... how long has Moby been in Coldplay?

9.11
The most exciting thing I've seen during the Brits so far has been that Warburtons have launched a fruit and fibre bagel.

9.13
We've only got an hour to go. We can get through this. Be strong.

British single now - they're saying voted for by Capital listeners and iTunes but Capital's website says there's no public vote. Curious. Perhaps nobody bothered to vote.

And the winner is... Adele's Skyfall.

Now, I like Adele. But... oh, come on. Really?

Skyfall was barely the best Bond Movie theme of the year.

"Time now for another performance" says James Corden, like a man ticking items off an especially irksome to-do list.

It's Taylor Swift, not doing the right song, and wearing a wedding dress stolen from MC Hammer's couture range.

9.19
We wanted the other song, Taylor. WE WANTED THE OTHER SONG.

It's like Mary Berry turning up and not saying "soggy bottoms".

There are people wearing fencing masks, and a small fire has broken out on stage. MC Hammer's dress has been removed to reveal a hot-pant-and-bodice combination.

None of this hides the fact that it's the wrong song.

Over at the tables, Robbie Williams is sitting looking bored. He churns through his glory days, like the time he played with Tom Jones.

International group time, presented by Dave Grohl. Or "they have more fun elsewhere on their own, these days", as it could be known. Unless Fun win.

The Black Keys. They can't be here tonight, and the producers couldn't be arsed to get a camera to them, so... uh, oh, let Dave Grohl wander off with it.

9.26
Did Capital really think positioning themselves as "the middle man between [the artist] and the fan" was going to sound endearing? "Oh... they're imposing themselves between me and my favourite band - that sounds excellent. I wonder what their mark-up will be?"

9.29
Blackberry advertising now - I guess if you've got an audience who still care about Robbie Williams, you might find a few Blackberry diehards amongst them.

Here's something from the rest of the world you should probably know:

On #LateJunction at 11.00 tonight, @imaxreinhardt will be marking the sad death of Kevin Ayers: bbc.in/YaB3zi

— BBC Radio 3 (@BBCRadio3) February 20, 2013

Back at the O2, Ben Howard has come on to do a song, and to push a range of distressed-look t-shirts, £9-99 or £24 for three. At least that might stop everyone who has been going 'who the hell is he?' on Twitter for a bit. Might make them go 'why the hell he', though.

9.35
If ever a song wasn't designed to be played at a large venue stuffed with half-drunk executives, it's that one that Ben Howard just did.

Alt-J are listing festivals for some reason. When they stop, Corden does the worst joke of the evening based around Les Mis.

They're now going to be on video telling us about their record, which has already won a Mercury. They share some secrets of their recording process, which would be great if this was BBC Four.

Maybe next year they should just put up captions that prompt the audience as to which advert they've heard the various tracks on.

International solo males up now. Buble on the shortlist, which is surely an insult to most of the rest of the world.

Frank Ocean wins. He looks a bit shifty, though, as if he can't quite believe he's beaten Buble.

9.39
Nice, short, genuine speech. That's lovely.

Now War Child are getting a made-up award to mean they can have an award, like that time they invented an event award for the BAFTAS to give Live Aid a prize and then dropped it the next year.

Still, good to see War Child getting some prime-time awareness. I think this is the first time the charity has got a mention on the Brits. Heartening it only takes 25 years of hard work to get a plug. Unless you're the Brits School, of course. But then what is helping children affected by conflict compared with teaching Rizzle Kicks?

9.43
Nice of Damon Albarn to come on and mumble something about War Child being whatever and that, you know. Great.

9.46
The way the tables flash when they come back from commercials is interesting. Like someone's going to have answer a quick-fire round.

Oh, look, Mumford And Sons. So full of hope and bright eyes, it's like they're challenging us to dislike them. More and more people rising to the challenge these days.

9.52
Remember, this show is really just a warm-up for the ITV2 show that starts at 10.15. If you're wondering who they've booked to peer desperately into the cameras while trying to read the word "great" off a cue card, it's Laura Whitmore & Rizzle Kicks. Genuinely, ITV pick their presenting teams from out of a black sack these days.

9.54
James Corden claims there's goosebumps all over the O2. Think he's getting confused with Selfridges in Birmingham.

Bryan Ferry is going to present the album award, which given the shortlist is a bit like bringing Pele on to present a player of the week award at Fratton Park.

Man, he's looking good for a 67 year-old. He should keep the album award.

Oh, it's gone to Emeli Sande, rounding off a year of total over-promotion. I swear in 2016 we'll be looking back trying to work out what the hell we were all thinking.

9.57
"I think I'm a very unlikely pop star". You can say that again.

Unfortunately, James Corden hasn't rushed on to cut her rambling thank yous short.

Oh, there's another new award. The Global Success Award. Jesus, this sounds like a prize dreamed up in the Department of Trade And Industry.

Tell us, Robbie Williams, who is the globally successful prize going to?

It's One Direction.

So, in short, a prize for an act who haven't got the skills to get a proper prize, but shift a load of stuff. ITV's little thank you to Simon Cowell.

Shh! They're going to make a speech.

"It's absolutely mindblowing". Something like that.

10.02
They're doing a break before the closing number. Although Corden was so lost in his erection joke he said "goodbye" instead of "come back".

Adidas, excitingly, have announced a new plimsoll. We live in a golden age, people.

10.05
"That's almost it tonight" says Corden. Unlike last year, clearly, they've under run a little bit this year and he's padding it out.

So here comes Sande to do her winner's lap of honour. I seem to have spent ages watching her perform on TV over the last 12 months, and genuinely can't remember if I've heard this song before.

So, what have we learned? Mostly, that the BPI now quite happy to make up awards in order to get bands to play - I wonder what else was on that 'global success' brainstorm flowchart? "Band with best name with a number in it"? "Most popular five-piece containing a Harry."

Oh, hang on. Yes, it's this song. I have heard this one before. Emeli has slipped Muses' string section a tenner to get them to do a bit of overtime.

Thanks for sharing the evening, especially if you joined in with the comments or said something nice on Twitter. I expect I'll liveblog Eurovision in a few weeks, so see you then, if not before.

Brits 2012: The Liveblog

6.24pm
Pancake night. The day when you use up all your ingredients that are about to go stale. The night when people will applaud the biggest and best tossers. The perfect night for the Brit Awards 2012.

With a shudder, I've realised that this is only the second of James Corden's three-year contract. Last year he did it without any attempt at humour, which at least showed he knows his limits. This year, in the gaps between promoting his autobiography, Corden has been claiming that he's discovered humility. He's put the way the nation cooled on him as being down to "the work not being good enough", which might mean that he's going to be trying a lot harder tonight. It's a frightening prospect.

We know that the show is going to end with eleven minutes of Blur. There was a time when the prospect of Blur doing eleven minutes on live TV would have filled me with delight and butterflies. But at that point, I would also have felt the same about buying pvc trousers or going into work with a hickey. For Alex James' sake, lets use a food metaphor: Blur have become like a quirky restuarant that have spun out into being a chain. The dishes might have the same name, but it doesn't quite taste the same.

It's twenty years since the KLF/ Extreme Noise Terror showstopper. Back then, Sir George Solti walked out in disgust, which might strike you as the sort of thing the Brits should be doing. Tonight, his ghost has already appeared on ITV2 telling Fearne Cotton he's really looking forward to Blur's appearance: "I hope they do a medley with Boys And Girls in it" he said, "and that they bring on an unexpected female vocalist as a guest."

What else can we expect? Clearly, part of the plan tonight is to try and make Jessie J as big a global star as Adele. Is that going to work? Isn't the idea of selling J to America a bit like selling Canadian cheddar in Somerset - there's going to be some takers who don't care that much, and it'll fill a sandwich, but really: why would you?

In case there are some of you who think that the Brits are some sort of anti-establishment howl of rebellious joy, I direct you to this tweet:

So much to see @Brit_Awards 2nite. Britschools' @officialadele, 11min performance from @blurofficial & all hosted by @JKCorden #shabbatronic

Yes, that's minister of state Jeremy 'Rhyming' Hunt throwing a shabbatronic hashtag into his timeline.

Jeremy Hunt saying "shabbatronic". For two hours. That'd be your Brits.

I'll be back at eight in a semi-official observer role. May the Lord have mercy on us all. (Refresh for updates, but not until about 7.45 as I'm going to have Nachos.)
7.52
ITV is currently showing a very dull programme about extreme fishing. Is this any way to prepare the nation for Coldplay?

(The nation responds that it's watching EastEnders, thanks very much.)

7.55
The Webuyanycar ad is on. This might be the best song we hear for the next two hours.

8.00
"This is the Brit Awards 2012, and this is Coldplay." Oh, god, just 120 minutes to get through.

8.01
Chris Martin looks like a recruitment ad for the marines from a nation that isn't too fussy. And so much dayglo.

8.03
Didn't Gordon Smart promise us Noel Gallagher? Was he hiding?

James Corden has come on. "How amazing were Coldplay?" he asks. Well, I suppose they set the bar low enough.

Jesus, that Brit Award looks like something from a disappointing Happy Meal.

First of the 'best album' packages is up, for Adele. Oh, we're getting a bit of talky stuff about how it was made. Adele is doing her best to make everyone forget why they took her to their hearts.

8.05
We're onto a Whitney bit. We've all been shocked, apparently.

Sure, it's nice to remember Whitney, but what about all the other artists who've died in the last twelve months? Is there a qualifying amount before you your death matters?

8.07
Second performance before we've even given out a prize. It's Florence And The Machine. Good to see the Brits keeping faith with Florence, even although, frankly, she's already fizzled out. Mainly through the over-exposure that her too-soon appearance at the Brits generated.

She's wearing a dress made out of solid gold, and accompanied by an entire Greek temple of dancers.

8.09
ITV Player has fallen over completely. Nice chance for the commercial network to show off its technical chops, eh?

Actually, this Florence performance would be a great entry for Eurovision. If we were Ukraine.

8.10
ITV Player comes back to life, with the QDOT strobing away in the corner. No prizes given out, but they're already running late.

What the hell is this frightening commercial? Mark Ronson, gymnasts, a vague song about "anywhere in the world" where we're "moving to the beat"? And table tennis? It can only be Coca-Cola throwing the kitchen sink into its Olympic campaign.

8.13
@dillpickle points out MyloXyloto sounds like something they add to sugar-free gum.

ITV taking the opportunity of the influx of a large audience to remind people they're the official broadcaster of Celebrity Juice.

First prize: Corden gets a chance to slobber over Kylie again (remember 2009?) as she comes out for best British Adele. Sorry, female solo artist.

Jessie J gets more cheers than Adele, though. Perhaps Adele isn't the sort of person you cheer?

Luckily Adele can be here to pick up the award, otherwise it'd be quite an awkward evening in prospect.

8.16
Fearne Cotton doesn't appear to have a role in this year's events, which must be the first time since about 2003. Should we send a search party?

Jessie J and Jack Whitehall come on for International Man prizegiving - Guetta, Blacc, Adams, Iver, Mars. Mars is here tonight. I wonder who'll win?

8.18
Bruno Mars. WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED?

Well, at least he's not wearing his stupid hat. Perhaps he would if his hair wasn't so large. Maybe there was a struggle backstage to get his stupid hat onto that stack of hair.

Corden says there's "still an incredible performance to come from him". Predicting the future, James?

Who was the bloke walking past Corden mid-flow? Had he spotted Olly Murs coming on stage and thought "that's it, I'm off"?

8.20
They've more or less flooded the stage with women in red clothes. They should have tried actually flooding the stage.

Oh, god, Murs is pulling moves. Jeremy Hunt must be having the night of his life.

Critics Choice awards, which are going to Emelie Sande. Given she's already been in the MasterCard breakbumpers, isn't she a bit beyond the new act accolades?

Corden celebrates the prize by, erm, talking to Jessie J, who thinks we care about if she's judging or coaching on The Voice. James is settling down and starting to try some jokes, which is ill-judged.

Ed Sheeran - a man who would be too bland and limp for a guest slot on Alphabet Zoo - is giving the ITV regions a chance to line up the next advert break.

8.30
Lego House. And to think they used to say The Field Mice were twee.

Oh - an advert for The New News Of The World.

8.33
Over on Twitter, OneDirection fans are getting tetchy - they're keen to hear the winner of best single, and are hoping it'll come before their bedtime.

British single, voted for by you (as in us) the "fans".

Mr. Tempah is out to give this one out. He's reminding us that he won a prize last year, perhaps to try and point out that he's not getting anything this year.

They're running through a list of songs that would persuade any sane person to uninstall iTunes. And probably rip out their soundcard.

Pixie Lott still makes records, does she? That's a surprise.

So, block voting has delivered a prize to One Direction.

8.36
That's what happens with sort-of-democracy. They should have had the vote using pens and postcards. That'd have hit their share of the vote.

One Direction say the award is for the fans. But they're the ones who voted for the award.

One of them thanks Radio One. Awkward, given it was Capital who sponsored the prize and did the voting.

They mumble on for about three hours, until Corden shoves them off.

Next, International Female - last year I think this was the prize Lewis Hamilton gave out. They've moved down a gear this year and gone for walking slumber Jensen Button.

8.38
Rihanna wins. Hey - that's lucky, as she's here to do a song anyway. What a happy coincidence.

To be fair, James Corden isn't having such a bad night tonight. Although there's no reason why Corden has to be doing the job, as he's not exactly doing anything a semi-competent chap from HR could have turned in.

Ed Sheeran's album bit has just floated by, before Corden says "what an honor" to introduce Noel Gallagher.

I wish I hadn't fed the cats already. This would have been a good time to do that.

8.41
The drumming High Flying Bird looks like he's off to do a stint as Estragon once he's finished here.

Chris Martin has turned up to play piano on this. His style is reminiscent of Rowlf from The Muppets.

8.46
This from GarethAveyard on Twitter:

Ed Fucking Sheeran - "Yeah, well, I started writing songs after I first saw that http://match.comadvert last year." #Brits

Capital advert on: "let's make some hits". Unfortunately straight after their ad it cuts to another with the words "no wonder they're bored."

8.49
On twitter: @guanoman:

Is there really any need for Olly Murs and Bruno Mars to be separate people? This just seems decadently inefficient to me.

8.51
Oh, Amy Winehouse. I was genuinely sat there going 'who is he talking about' as Corden was lining this up.

Again, nice to remember Amy - and where better than in a room full of representatives of the industry that showed such a duty of care to her - but what about the others?

8.54
Plan B. There seems to have been a strange decision that anyone who played last year has to give out a prize this. Although I suspect Imelda May might still be waiting for a call.

We're going to have best solo artist. Surely they won't be as crass as to give it to Noel for turning up, will they?

8.56
Nope, it's gone to Ed. Who also, erm, did a performance.

They're trying to justify the prize - which frankly people will stare at in five years time on Wikipedia and go 'who was that again' - by quoting how many Twitter followers he has. Because remember kids, the more spambots you attract, the better a musician you are.

8.57
Jo Whiley - who, by law, has to appear at any music awards ceremony on the British mainland - has come on with Huey for Best Group.

Listeners from Radio 2 voted for this one, so it's a chance to disprove that stuffy, fusty, old-fashioned image, right?

No. They give it to Coldplay.

9.00
Half way through.

@AidanJohnMoffat:

Now I know that Plan B's at the Brits I wish I'd bought all those tonnes of fertiliser like I'd planned.

The appearance of the short video for Let England Shake in the midst of this show is a bit like Newsround suddenly pausing for an op ed by George Galloway.

Music that is about things.

The O2 falls quiet; Corden tries to chase away the appearance of thoughts with a PJ and Duncan joke.

Oh, and there's a pointless bit between him and Kylie. It's like when Jools Holland wanders into the audience, only with a bit more sexual awkwardness.

9.02
Of course everyone loves Kylie, but hasn't her work this year mainly been a car advert that appears to have been written before they'd decided who would appear in it?

Adele has the performance she did for the Grammys ready to roll again.

9.05
I wonder if this will sell any copies of 21 for her? If anyone at all is sat at home going 'this is a lovely song... I wonder if it's out on record to buy yet?'

9.06
We've still got the threat of Bruno Mars hanging over us.

The VirginMedia buffering ad doesn't really work when you're, erm, watching it online.

9.10
"Take Me Out. Exclusive to ITV1." Although I suspect Challenge TV are clearing a gap in their 2013 schedule.

Corden's started to edge towards irritating again - "I'm kidding." No, you're not.

He said it was Brian May and Roger Taylor, but it looks like my Aunt Lena and Bill Oddie have come on stage.

International Group. Any shortlist featuring Maroon 5 isn't worth winning. No wonder the Foo Fighters couldn't be arsed to turn up to pick it up.

9.13
Some footballer and Nicole Searchinlookinforlove are handing out the breakthrough act prize. Really? A footballer?

The Vaccines aren't going to win this, are they?

9.15
Ed Sheeran has taken the breakthrough act, which makes sense given we're supposed to believe he is the best British Male solo artist currently working in the country. I say "makes sense", but you know what I mean.

"A big night he'll never forget" says Corden. Like the rest of us, he's picturing Ed in 2020, finishing his shift at the kennels, remembering that time he was apparently the biggest star in Britain.

Oh, I get it: Bruno Mars is a KD Lang tribute act. Now it makes sense.

9.18
No, really, I don't get it. Bruno Mars is like a generic 'pop star' created in Happy Days for Joanie to have a crush on, but because he'll only be on-screen for thirty seconds, they don't bother to flesh him out with a character or backstory or even really bother to write much more than half a chorus for him to sing.

9.20
"They're on their feet in here, and I'm not surprised" says Corden. Yeah, I'd have chosen that point to nip out to the toilets, too.

Florence is now telling us about her album and how she made it and everything. Her sounds are dramatic and overwhelming and conflicted, apparently. And not Arcade Fire Made Simple.

9.22
James Corden is now sat at a table with One Direction. There are fingerpainting tables in nursery schools that offer more intellectual challenge.

Corden pisses himself laughing at his own joke about Harry OneDirection "stepping out with Denise Welch". Let's just say a small prayer of thanks that he hasn't peppered his script with similar - ah - material.

Ooh, another break. I see GoCompare do home insurance now.

"I'm quite fussy..." Although not so fussy as to avoid shopping at Asda, I see.

Shit, watching TV live is horrible, isn't it?

9.27
ITV suddenly decide, three quarters of the way through, to warn people there might be flashing lights.

A bit more warning about Bruno Mars might have been nice, mind.

Rob Brydon and Will I Am come on together to do International Breakthrough. Because they're a crazy mismatched pair, do you see?

How did Foster The People get shortlisted here? Was it part of the horsetrading to allow Warners to take over HMV?

Lana Del Ray wins this, of course, because the team behind her had actually started from 'winning awards' and worked backwards.

Voiceover woman claims - wrongly - that Del Ray "likes to call herself the Gangsta Nancy Sinatra". Because why would you bother fact-checking your script for the biggest music night of the year, eh?

Del Ray thanks her label. BUT ONLY BECAUSE THEY TOLD HER TO.

9.31
Rihanna's doing her performance now, every second thinking "shit, in two or three more years I'm going to be reduced to only getting a slot sat next to Corden while he mock-flirts with me."

Still, the set's quite nice, people in plastic cubes flinging paint at each other. I expect that's going to be a tribute to the Stone Roses reunion, is it?

9.35
I could check on Lyrics.com, but I'm content to believe Rihanna is singing "we found love in our halter place."

James does a period joke.

Ray Winstone has come on to do the 'Prize given to a band we'd like to perform but won't come if we don't give them an impressive sounding prize' prize. Which this year goes to Blur.

In the production suite, they're currently going 'Phil Daniels! That was the chap we were thinking of to do the prize giving. Dammit.' Or possibly 'is Ray Winstone and Phil Daniels different people, then?'

9.37
If Dave Rowntree had managed to win a seat for Labour at the last election, would we be seeing this reunion now?

Alex James is standing staring emptily into space. Which was the style he used to use when playing the bass, if memory serves.

Ray Winstone is standing at the back of the stage like the mayor of a small market town wondering if he's made the wrong choice for the Christmas light switch-on.

9.42
If I'd known in 2012 Damon would be rambling on like this for ages and ages, I'd have worried less about the Liverpool Poly amps looking like they'd fall on his head.

9.43
Jesus, haven't we got through the album nominees yet? And they've saved the Coldplay for last.

Hadn't noticed this category is sponsored by Daybreak and Gordon Smart's column. It's like a toxic dump for fatally wounded media brands.

Ah, Vodafone have spent some of the money they stole from us in taxes to buy an ad break during the Brits.

9.45
They're trailing the News At Ten - that's still going, too, apparently.

The album award is being handed out by George Michael. I think, to close some sort of circle, this means Norman Tebbit has won.

George is only slightly slurring his words, claiming he came back from Australia because he knows who won. Presumably Adele owes him a tenner or something?

Coldplay dressed as elephants. That never fails to make me look more kindly on ivory poachers.

Of course Adele has won. And, to be fair, it's hard to see how she couldn't have won this one.

(Although Ed really looks like he thought he was going to win it.)

9.51
"I'm so proud to be British and flying our flag". Corden cuts her off. Because, yeah, that's the point you want to be worrying about timings, not when you're doing an interview with One Direction.

9.52
Well, the ghost of Sir George Solti is delighted they've started with Girls And Boys. "Something of a surprise, no?" he giggles.

It's odd that Alex James is still able to play following the smoking ban.

The producers find Louis Spence in the audience, like men determined to clobber the very last credibility the Brits might have had left in them.

9.55
So, will ITV let the show overrun and hold up the News At Ten? Or are the network saying 'let's see if the next one is off the Justine Frischmann break-up album, and if it is, we'll go straight to ITN."

9.57
Over on Twitter, there's a bit of a storm at Corden cutting off Adele. Yes, ITV might have a schedule to keep to, but if it was the Champions League that was edging towards 10pm, they don't send Adrian Chiles on to grab the ball and close things down, do they?

On the other hand, they would have to fill some dead time on ITV2 while waiting for the main programme to finish. So you can sort of see their point.

10.00
Phil Daniels and Park Life rather than Ken Livingstone, then.

That's it; fading away with Blur still on the stage. Doing the amazing performance that ITV and its hosts have been telling us would blow us away all evening. That one.

The Brits done for another year, then. See you back here next year?

By the way, does anyone remember Mumford And Sons?

Mini liveblog: Alan McGee & Marc Marot on Today

Following the death of Amy Winehouse, Today has just hosted Marc Marot and Alan McGee wondering if management and labels could do something to help, rather than enable, self-destructive artists:

Marc goes first, calling for a change to how the music industry does business to stop putting pressure on artists:

"Recording contracts have a ticking clock attached to them - a three year cycle of hard, hard work. It's a cycle that has a contractual option at the end; there's enormous pressure on the artist to keep repeating themselves. There's no way to take time out."

He proposes a mechanism allowing the contract to be suspended. "The problem is who arbitrates"

Alan McGee says it's a reasonable idea, but "only you can get yourself clean". In other words, it's no good having a break clause because if the person doesn't want to clean up their act, it won't be invoked.

He's also a bit more clear-eyed about how much management can do in the face of an addict.

Marc's suggestion, though, is that touring and recording increases stress and - though he doesn't quite say it - puts the addict into a world knee-deep in drugs.

He praises Island for having tried to wean Amy Winehouse off drugs and alcohol.

Marc is one of the great guys, agrees Alan, but says that there aren't many like him. Blame culture is part of this nation, says McGee - you can't really blame management for someone who wants to destroy themselves.

Marc says there's a bigger problem: how do you tell a star 'no'? "Try telling someone who has sold 21 million records 'no' agrees Alan McGee.

We're not much further forward, apart from appearing to decide there's nothing management can do. Which doesn't feel entirely right.

Eurovision 2011: Liveblog

7.55pm
Bloody hell, one of The Corrs has turned up on Lottery doing a Simple Minds cover. That's not a good omen of anything.

It's an Andrea Corr. She says she's supporting Jedward which, judging by her career trajectory might be a gig billing rather than a tip for tonight.

I guess there's an outside chance that Blue could do well tonight, given that the sort of people who don't like Blue's sort of thing will probably be out.

7.57
A couple of moments in and I'm already on the corrections:

Simple Minds? It's Blue Nile's Tinseltown In The Rain she's done!

Thanks, @sweepingnation

7.58
"Every camp moment" promises the continuity announcement, like a flier for an event which promises "fun for all the family".

Graham Norton announces the theme this year is "feel your heart sink". He might have said beat rather than sink, but having seen the trio of hosts on stage, I think "sink" might be it.

8.00
Graham Norton says the bloke is Germany's Simon Cowell. Looks more like Germany's Rufus Hound, actually.

Stefan frightens me a little.

Ooh! Last year's winner is doing a new song tonight, so she's not doing a reprise of the 2010 winner, but instead our hosts are going to do the song.

Anyone who has seen German light entertainment on a Saturday will know this is actually quite high-end for them.

8.02
Katie Boyle, it's safe to say, would never have got involved in business like this.

The whole thing is, in short, Germany saying "DO NOT VOTE FOR US TO WIN THIS YEAR. IN GOD'S NAME DO NOT MAKE US DO THIS AGAIN". Duly noted, Dusseldorf.

8.03
If they're running late by the end of the show, this will be the five minutes they could have jettisoned. Think on that.

The song has now gone into what's like a sequence from a Persil executive's wet dream.

Bringing on Lene lookalikes is a bit of a duff idea as I don't think any of us remember what she looks like.

Oh, that's what she looks like. Like Natalie Imbruglia's understudy.

Was this song this long last year?

8.06
I'm watching this on iPlayer this year. The BBC Parliament button is starting to look tempting already.

The two women presenters don't like each other, do they?

Their stadium has been turned into a Eurovision temple. You know, temples. Where people with misplaced faith have their hearts ripped out to appease the Gods.

Graham Norton running through the headlines - Dana International couldn't complete her semi and has been knocked out; Jedward, of course, did. Jesus, how bad must Dana's have been?

This year, you can vote as soon as the show starts. Why even go through the pretense of pretending to be voting based on the songs, eh?

8.10
The UK voting system is the sort of sophisticated affair used to elect David Cameron - i.e. there's a bunch of experts who will decide who wins but we can pretend we're taking part.

The phonelines are open. Do we really need to hear the songs, then?

8.12
Finland - Da Da Dum - Paradise Oskar
"I'm going out into the world to save our planet" simpers a boy from the Lower Sixth, singing a song that was clearly the hit of an assembly his school did about ecology.

Paradise has Jedward's hair, and the social conscience of a girl of fourteen. It's like having George Mobiot's child assault you with an acoustic guitar.

He's going to go out and save our planet, which is a big claim from someone who has trouble holding a note.

8.15
In an exciting bit of news, it looks like the official Eurovision server has fallen over

Bosnia & Herzegovnia - Dino Merlin - Love In rewind
Blimey, it's Jasper Carrot and Nadia Swalaha.

The lone trumpeter has clearly decided he's a "character" and is running about the stage like he's actually Gonzo.

This is Opus's Live Is Life played at half speed.

8.19
Denmark - A Friend In London - A New Tomorrow
That's a band name which is a desperate bid to try and swing a few northern European votes, isn't it.

Oh, I see, they're faux cockneys. It's like Danny Dyer bought some hairgel and brought A-Ha in as a backing band.

This song is the sort of thing - down to the title - which would be used in the 80s to advertise Telford New Town. I bet there's a verse about the great travel connections to Europe, and the new leisure centre.

8.22
The official Eurovision site says that when Bosnia's Dino played his semi final, he felt "frightened" by just how enthusiastic the crowd were. Really, Dino? Really?

Lithuania - Evalina Sašenko - C'est Ma Vie
"Straight out of musical theatre" promises Graham. Hurrah!

Oh, that's as in "the sort of song which would make you get up and walk... straight out of musical theatre".

8.25
Don't get me wrong, I like a little Elaine Paige.

Oh, hang about, this has taken a 'theme from Falcon Crest' direction.

What sign language is she doing? Is she signing in Lithuanian sign language, or British?

8.27
Graham's promising a spot of pop now. Duncan from Blue's favourite song is up next, he says.

Hungary - Kati Wolf - What About My Dreams?
Ooh, she's wearing the sort dress that Rachel Riley wears sometimes on Countdown. The sort where she looks really uncomfortable by the first numbers round.

There is a beat to this one. There, damned with faint praise.

Hang about... that colour, in silk, and the way it falls... she's trying to channel this-era Madonna, isn't she?

8.31
Ireland - Jedward - Lipstick
Or that joke really, really isn't funny any more.

The last time a fairly well-known duo did Eurovision, it was Tatu. They pretend to be lesbians.

Oh, God. It's a Pet Shop Boys tribute act doing Doctorin' The Tardis.

8.33
The song actually could be alright in the hands of an act who were in on the joke. Oh, god, can you imagine how long they're going to milk their career if they actually win this?

Get the phone number off the screen, BBC, it'll only encourage people.

Given that Ireland usually try to lose, this could really backfire on them.

8.35
Sweden - Eric Saade - Popular
That song name is a hostage to fortune, isn't it?

Nice to see German TV has found some Swedes who dress up as vikings for the intro film.

Eric is in a box. And in a fetishy t-shirt. And, apparently, in a high school popularity clique.

He's quite pretty. He's not Jedward. Yes, his song is dreadful - it's crawled from the corpse of a Boney M session - but HE'S NOT JEDWARD. Let's throw our weight behind Eric, and his light gay S&M fantasy set.

8.38
Over on Twitter, "Terry Wogan" is trending. Sorry, Graham.

Also, over on Twitter: @louisebolotin:

You people voted for that Jedward crap for weeks. Shame on you, fucktards #eurovision

Estonia - Getter Jaani - Rockerfeller Street
The song name isn't all that encouraging, is it?

And Getter is dressed like one of those sad-faced clown dolls you'd see in frustrated twentysomething women's bedrooms in the 1980s.

Is she actually singing "murder in the first degree"?

Her dancers are hiding behind the building sets. Obviously inspired by Stewart Lee as Godzilla from the other week.

She's got the London Eye in her video back projection. Is everyone desperate for our votes tonight?

Sideways dance up the stairs a la the Stutz Bear Cats there. Always a job open for Getter plugging the Esso Collection.

8.43
Greece - Loucas Yiorkas & Stereo Mike - Watch My Dance
Stereo Mike? Why does that fill me full of fear?

This, of course, is a country that George Osborne believes he stopped us being like, so let's look closely, shall we?

Ooh, the opening is doomy.

Mike is doing the world's most gravelly rap ever.

And now Loucas has come on, with something a bit operatic.

See, this is all you can afford when you've got austerity going on. You have to fashion a song out of whatever bits and pieces you've got left. Greece had a cracking Abba-style song ready to go, but the IMF took it. So, this, instead.

8.47
@mediocredave:

Can you sing? No? Then just RAP ANGRIER!

Russia - Alexey Vorobyov - Get You
Changing his name to Alex Sparrow after this "for the international market", which is a bit like me buying a pair of football boots for when I get signed by Manchester United.

So, it looks like Fonzie is still the absolute primo male archetype in Russia.

Isn't that the rat-faced one from The Apprentice doing backing dancing?

"Come on" pleads Alexey. "I'm coming to get you" he sings, like the sort of stalker who really enjoys the sending of the letters but doesn't really have the energy to go round the stalkee's house.

8.52
France - Amaury Vassili - Sognu
He's singing in Corsican, which at least marks him out as doing something a bit different. And he has a lot of hair. Much, much hair.

The entire continent is now going "isn't this from an actual opera? Does anyone know anybody who knows any actual operas? Is this really a new song" as one.

8.54
And the rest of the continent has that puzzled look you see on University Challenge contestants when there's an opera question: the "I think I sort of recognise this, but it might be anything. Carmen? Figaro? Is there an opera called Bidet?"

The French language is a thing of beauty. Corsica, it seems, got a slightly shitty stick.

8.56
Italy - Raphael Gulazzi - Madness Of Love
Italy haven't taken part in Eurovision for 14 years. Did anyone notice that?

A minor Eastender actor - one of the less popular Moons, or someone who isn't a Mitchell, perhaps - sitting at a piano, singing a slight song as if he was passing a particularly troublesome turd.

8.57
Perhaps they needed another year to come up with something.

It does have a bit of a jazzy ending, though, like the That's Life closing theme.

9.00
It seems like they've gone to adverts. If the Tories have their way, and the BBC is brought to its knees, we'd never get to see these interviews from the green room as we'd be having adverts, too.

Okay, so that's one good thing you can say for Tory broadcasting policy.

Switzerland - Anna Rossinelli - In Love For A While
Apparently, the songwriter found Anna in the streets. Not like that.

The glitteriest dress so far this evening.

It's all a bit 'hello, trees, isn't love wonderful' but, ironically, lacks any heart at all. It's also gone a bit na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

9.03
na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

No time to finish the song, then.

Actually, this is probably the closest we've ever come to a Frente song appearing in Eurovision.

9.05
UK - Blue - I Can
Sending Blue to Eurovision is like turning up on Masterchef with an M&S Meal Deal.

They're all pointing. And have pictures of themselves without shirts on behind them. This is all a bit "yeah... we're Blue. Have you heard of us?"

To which Europe will reply, as one, "did you do that Christmas one with the bells? Stay, or whatever? That was better than this one. Oh, that wasn't you, either?"

Jesus, the large back projections just look so conceited. Not as conceited as the lowness of the crotches in their trousers.

Why is Duncan James wearing a tiny scarf?

9.09
"Surely Blue will do better" says Graham. Not if they can't do better than that.

Moldova - Zdob şi Zdub - So Lucky

It's like somebody got their grans to knit them Devo hats.

And unicyclists!

This is the sort of wacky that Jedward were straining for, but couldn't, because they were trying to be wacky. Zdob ar ebeing deathly serious, aren't they? Like an Eastern European King Kurt kind of serious.

I hope they wipe the floor with Blue, and then steal their hotel keys.

9.12
The trouble with having a unicyclist on stage is that they can only go round and round. It's quite limited as schtick goes.

9.13
Germany - Lena - Taken By A Stranger
Home team. Defending champion. Another stalky-song.

Those skintight catsuits are making me a bit nervous. It's like she's being supported by the people from that grape juice advert.

This song, clearly, got through on the "well, it does nothing for me but she won last year so she must know what she's doing" vote.

9.16
@stebax just suggested 'Tainted Love without the good bits'.

Romania - Hotel FM - Change
Hotel FM? "You're listening to Hotel FM, broadcasting to Travelodges throughout the United Kingdom and Ireland..."

The lead singer is English, but sounds like he's trying to disguise his accent. Presumably because he knows how the Eurovision voters turn on the English.

He looks like someone who might get work as a David Tennant lookalike, on an afternoon when there's a lot of demand for David Tennant lookalikes.

This is the second sub-Disney "let's change the world and make difference" song of the night.

Austria - Nadine Beller - The Secret Is Love
Song eighteen. There are a lot of empty boxes on the scoresheet to come.

Rainbows in the sky. Your big opening has a line about rainbows in the sky.

Ah, I see. Because you think Mariah Carey is some sort of role model.

Still, fair play to her, she's on her own belting it out.

Oh, as I type that, more people rush on to help her.

9.25
Nadine's backdrop has floating diamonds. It's like she thinks she Snoop Dogg.

Azerbaijan - Ell/Nikki - Running Scared
Sadly, the slash doesn't mean we're getting one person with two personalities. I suspect we're not getting two people with one personality between them.

The oh-oh-oh entry bit is quite nice, in a like Enya never happened way.

There's literally nothing to this song, but it's a nice, slight beast. And you've got to love a song with virtually no lyrical content that still doesn't scan properly.

9.29
Just realised what this song is - it's The Lover Speaks, but a diet version of it.

Slovenia - Maja Keuc - No One
By law one intro film every Eurovision has to feature wind turbines. Slovenia has filled the slot this year. Is Slovenia a particularly windy nation?

Maja's dress appears to be made from the remnants of the gun metal used to forge the ships of Slovenia's brave navy. Unfortunately, the song has been made from the leftover bits of Slovenian army's training manual.

9.32
Oh, bugger. Unless something amazing happens in the next five songs, I'm going to vote for men in knitted conical hats with a unicyclist. How on earth did anyone construct an event where that's even a plausible, never mind a desirable, outcome?

9.34
While the rest of Europe gets adverts, we get a host flogging the DVD and CD of the event. Because you can't advertise on the BBC.

Iceland - Sjonni's Friends - Coming Home
Apparently the guy who wrote this died, and so these are his real friends, doing it as a tribute.

You'd have to be a terrible person to hate that, wouldn't you.

Well, it turns out I'm going to hell.

9.37
This is what Sjonni would have wanted. Just keep telling yourself that. (Actually, he would rather than had someone put a bench in his favourite park, and some money donated to the local cat's home. He wrote that down on the back of the bit of paper he wrote that song on.)

9.38
Spain - Lucía Pérez - Que Me Quiten Lo Bailao
Spain last won Eurovision in the year I was born. And I'm bloody elderly.

Three notes in, and their drought isn't going to end.

I don't know what the lyrics are saying, but this sort of tune suggests it should be along the lines of "a square is a shape with four sides/all the sides are the same/if two get longer/then you're meeting an oblong"

9.43
Ukraine - Mika Newton - Angels
With added sand painting. This is where the UK goes wrong - we should have sent Tony Hart along when we had the chance. Even Scooch could have won if they'd had Tony using a line-painting machine to do a giant elephant for the big screen.

Well, the sand painting is alright. But Mika sounds like she's trying to warn ships off the rocks.

"We are angels fearing pleasure" she screeches. Clearly Angel Delight never made it to Ukraine.

9.47
Serbia - Nina - Čaroban
Yes, yes, we get it. You're classic Eurovision. You didn't have to wear the Ready Steady Go earrings, Nina.

Actually, I really like this one.

I'm assuming this is an attempt at classic Eurovision. For Serbia, though, this might just be a 90s revival.

This can't really be the first song of the night to have come with a middle eight, can it?

9.51
Georgia - Eldrine - One More Day
Eldrine sounds like an attempt to create a faux-mythology for a Lord Of The Rings knock-off. Both the name sounds like that, and they sound like that.

It was going well for Eldrine, and then, for some reason, they decided to add the rap bit from 3am Eternal.

Still, kudos to her hairdresser; she's been pouncing around stage like a Evanescence hunting a cat and not a hair out of place.

9.55
And that's it. And the voting lines are open. Erm, still.

10.02
The cats have just been fed. Foil-tray Felix this evening; they're enjoying it more than they enjoyed Blue's entry, I'll tell you that.

Oh, so we're not getting a midway act, just the videos that introduced the bands again? Surely not.

Over on Twitter:
@robinmatthewfry:

Face it, Twitter, you're no Terry Wogan.

@alexmetric:

Ok so based on these clips and my own judging criteria Germany win hands down

Not just no midway act, but Graham Norton reading emails over the videos. Blimey.

10.05
"You can still vote" says Stefan Hound. Well, it's not like you could be arsed to put on a big dance number like last year's hosts did, is it? What else are we going to do?

Presumably Germany feels that having propped up Europe's banking system for so long, it's not going to spring for any more goodies.

10.07
Simon LeBon's come out for Moldova.

And I know you'll be worrying, so here's Ed Balls top three:

My top three: Hungary (9/10); Serbia (8.5/10); then tie - Denmark (8/10) & Switzerland (8/10)... Go Hungary...

No word yet on George Osborne's opinion on the evening, although I think he did just say "pretty sure I can hit Honkers with a bread roll, and I jolly well if he serves any more non-vintage champagne".

10.11
They're counting down to the end of voting.

The lines are closed. There is nothing we can do.

Oh, finally, with the interval act. Graham Norton is basically telling us it's going to be shit before he comes on. What's he called? Anderly? Time Delay?

Apparently he's someone famous in Germany who's just been chosen because he's had a few chart hits. Ridiculous. On that basis, we'd have sent someone like Blue to compete in the... oh, hang on...

10.13
Whoops! He seems to have accidentally come on to do Get Yr Freak On. And come dressed as an on-course bookmaker.

10.17
Terry Wogan is now trending worldwide. As is Serbia, which might be a result of their position in the running order, or is it TWITTERWISDOMPREDICTINGTHEWINNER?

10.20
You've delighted us long enough, sir. Please go back and take some last minute bets on who will win.

There's a new executive supervisor of Eurovision. Presumably after that comedy business the last one did at the 2010 contest.

10.22
They're doing a bit of comedy business. Graham Norton is making "Blue - none" jokes over the top of it. It says something that that feels like a kindness.

10.23
We're about to go into the green room. Oh, they're doing a Berlin Wall reference. That's not getting things out of proportion.

10.25
I'd quite like a sandwich now. But the votes are about to come in. It's like, referendum levels of excitement.

Oh, those poor German dancers are still clad in their condoms.

Voting first, Russia: Represented by Peter Andre in a white hat. Blue get four points, which suggests a so-so performance this year.

Russia's 12 goes to Azerbaijan.

10.27 Bulgaria - It's a Cher tribute act. Blimey, they've given 12 points to the UK. And Lee Ryan kisses the camera.

Oh lord.

Netherlands have a botoxed mermaid doing their scores. Not a thing for the UK.

10.29
Italy, represented by the only person never goosed by Burlosconi.

The German TV people have overdubbed a beating heart on the scores.

And jesus, Blue are in the lead.

Cyprus, represented by Eammon Holmes.

The one piece of soothing balm about the strong showing from Blue is that Jedward are sinking like a one-armed goose in an oil tank.

Cyprus give their 12 to Greece, which even Greece might say was over generous.

Ukraine have got actual Ruslana doing scores. I like Ruslana.

10.33
Finland have got a woman with Marge Simpson's hair - obviously a blonde version. They've given ten to Ireland. Blue get bugger all.

Norway introduce themselves with "Hubba Hubba Europe", which makes me feel violated. One point for Blue.

Armenia's hostess is Angelina Jolie on a tight budget; again Blue get a small pointage which won't help. But so far the voting is all over the place - still wide open right now.

10.37
Macedonia's woman has got a massive corsage. Oh, stop making your own jokes up. They gave 12 points to Bosnia, which resulted in booing.

Icleand is wearing flowers round their head. They gave double the points to Jedward that they gave to Blue. All still quite close at the top.

10.39
Slovakia's host is wearing what appears to be a metallic nude dress. They give 8 to Ireland, which surprised Graham Norton. Nothing for Blue here.

Our local team now, with Alex off The One Show, padding her part, and cheering on Blue. That ship's sailed, Alex.

Jesus, people: you voted for Jedward? Ironically, that puts them close to overtaking Blue.

Denmark have got a governess calling from Copenhagen. Three for Blue, 12 to Ireland.

10.42
Austria's premier Celine Dion impersonator is giving out the scores. Nothing for Blue again. Blue are starting to slide...

I won't hear a thing against Poland's presenter, even if she has come direct from a toga party. To-Ga-T-Ga. Jedward get one point, and are sneaking up the board as Blue are creeping downwards.

10.45
A man! A man! Sweden have sent a man to tell us their scores. Bosnia leap over the UK thanks to their scoring and Ireland get 12. If Jedward rise any higher, I might have to switch my head off.

San Marino greet all their fans. The German host looks like she just wishes he'd get a move on. Azerbaijan are back in the lead; Italy get twelve, and Blue sink another place in the order.

10.48
A build your own Gwen Steffani kit gives Germany's scores - 8 to Jedward, bugger all to Blue. Mid-table is grim for Blue, but coming so far behind Jedward is going to sting.

Azerbaijan's contestant from last year is here with scores - 5 to the UK, 12 to Ukraine.

A restuarant in Slovenia has a waiter take some time off. God, he's singing. And robot-dancing. He's doing a bit of Paul The Octopus business. A joke only twelve months out of date.

10.51
The German hostess looks like her teeth are going to grind down to their stumps by the time the various small European principalities and republics have milked their moments on international TV.

10.53
Turkey, with an airline pilot (or someone who would play one in a Just For Men advert) doing the numbers - 6 to Blue, 12 to Azerbaijan who retake the lead.

"Hello, I'm in the middle of a bitter divorce" screams the eyes of the Swiss presenter. Not a sausage to either the UK or Ireland. I think we can relax our faces now.

Madonna has arrived doing the Greek results. They could have sold their votes, we'd have understood. Hang on, they gave 12 to France. Perhaps they did.

10.57
"It was really amazing" says Ms Georgia, with all the conviction of a Lib Dem minister endorsing Andrew Lansley. Their dozen goes to Lithuania. The rest of Europe had forgotten they had even turned up.

The largest hair on a male head ever seen is perched atop the French man. One to Blue; they gave 12 to Spain, which doubled their score.

The Serbian presenter could kick my ass without damaging her cantilevered hair, and I think I'd enjoy it. 12 to Bosnia.

11.01
Maddi Hayes from Moonlighting is telling us how the Croatians voted. I think we've stopped accepting votes for the UK or Ireland, now. 12 to Slovenia.

Belarus have beaten some scores out of an audience, and a woman standing in a wind tunnel is sharing them with us now. Jedward have been so left behind, they're dripping near to Blue on the scoreboard.

Romania have chosen a motivational speaker to emote the scores. 10 to Azerbaijan, who are still leading, but not comfortably. 12 to Moldova, in their pointy hats.

Albania's one coloured shirt has been provided to the geography teacher doing the scores; 6 to Blue; 12 to Italy. "Thank you, Leon" says the German woman, as if he'd given her something to think about.

11.05
The Maltese judges gave 7 to the Blue and 8 to Jedward; but it was the 12 to Azerbaijan that are significant. That's a fair gap opening up now.

I know times are hard in Portugal, but their presenter appears to be doing it in her underwear. Piddly points to Blue & Jedward; 12 to Spain.

11.07
Hungary looks like they've had a refreshing cold drink, but I suppose it's quite late there. Graham Norton has long since given up showing any interest in how Blue are doing.

Next up, Lithuania in a truly horrible shirt. He looks a bit like Nicky Campbell. Their big 12 goes to Georgia.

Haven't Bosnia already given their scores once? Apparently not. Jedward pick up 2; Azerbaijan get enough to firm their lead - just shy of 200; Slovenia get the 12 and Blue drop to 13th.

Who's doing Ireland? Derek Mooney, is it? Oh, he's put some Jedward hair on. Even Ireland went 'meh' at Blue, giving six points. Denmark got 12.

Graham Norton says Ireland were our last big hope. Only if they'd had 120 points to hand out.

Spain's lady-with-a-bun gives 12 to Italy. They're now in second place, which is fine for a country who've not been near here for years. And who entered a rotten song.

11.13
The Israeli host bloke is midway through a wedding, but breaks off to give 12 to Sweden.

The Estonian woman probably has the longest blonde hair of any score-giver in a crowded field. Sweden get 12, and go second.

The woman from Moldova has made her dress from velour. I don;t think the German directors quite understood who she was giving her 12 to, as it took a while for it move across. Romania, it turned out.

Belguim giggles as they give Greece 8. 12 to France.

11.18
Latvia, stop shouting. Stop shouting. It doesn't matter who she gives her points to, Azerbaijan win. The five votes for Blue just help them scrape 100. And ten to Ireland.

So, Azerbaijan win. Blue languish in the middle of the table, and Jedward will have discovered that their brand of "funny" doesn't travel well.

Graham Norton says its not a humiliation for Blue - really? They're not even in the top 10. That's going to smart a bit, surely. Especially after Lee Ryan kissed a camera.

They're already five minutes late for the news. Poor Lena has had to come out to give the Azerbaijani team flowers. Ell has, somewhat unwisely, started doing the encore carrying the Eurovision Prize.

Somewhat oddly, the Germans are raining toilet roll down from the ceiling.

Now, someone is going to have to explain to Jedward what's happened. They're going to be all cranky tomorrow.

Brits 2011: Liveblog

7.51
Somewhere in Greenwich, James Corden is running through his lines.

"I wonder if giving my fee to charity will stop people criticising me?" he might wonder.

Perhaps, if you hadn't revealed at the same time how big that fee was. Going "I'm giving my fee to charity" might have swung it, but saying "I'm giving my fifty grand fee to charity" just makes you look flash.

And why are you giving it to Comic Relief? Isn't the Brits meant to be a fundraiser in its own right? Haven't you taken one charity's money and given it straight to another charity?

Of course, there's nothing new in The Unfunny One From A Sitcom hosting the Brits - who can forget the years Denzel from Only Fools did it? Or Mother from Fresh Fields? Or the entire cast of In Loving Memory.

They've just advertised Otis Ear Drops in the run-up. Probably the last thing you'd actually want on a night like this.

7.56
"With some flashing images". Consider yourself warned.

They've dragooned some pop stars into promoting Mastercard for the breakbumpers.

First impression: The O2 is way, way too huge for this. The stage looks like a flea circus in a shopping centre.

Take That have marched on behind squads of riot police. Are they duetting with Mubarak?

8.00
Monkeys learn to build machines, warns Take That. It's a less sinister warning than "hosted by James Corden".

Street dancing riot policemen. It's Britain's Got Talent And Problems.

Can't help noticing the Take That logo on the riot shields - is this a manifestation of the Big Society? Pop stars sponsoring the cops? Gary Barlow is always willing to help Dave Cameron out, so it's not impossible.

8.03
The riot police are taking their uniforms off. They're dressed like civilians. You know, like the Egyptian Police did. Um... maybe that's not what they were hoping to go for.

"Members of the pop star community" are asked to welcome Corden. Really? The community?

At least Corden is wearing clothes. At least at the moment.

He seems quite nervous.

"The new stop climate change Brit Award"? Is it really called that?

8.05
Dizzee Rascal - who was Tinie Tempah last year - comes on to do Male Solo Artist. It's clear why they're trying to get this out the way quickly, as most of the nominees will have to be back home before matron locks the doors.

The winner is... Plan B

8.07
Elton John has described Plan B as "the male Amy Winehouse". I'm not sure that's a compliment, is it?

Plan B thanks his mum from his heart. That's quite sweet. The massive list of thanks after that, not so much.

"Stay tuned" say ITV. How about you don't go for a bloody break after five minutes if you want us to keep watching?

8.10
@yourturnheather:
"My mum has been there for the whole time." Why yes, mothers are usually there from the beginning of your, y'know, life.

@tracey_thorn:
Oh that's taken the wind out of my sails, I like Plan B #thebrits

8.12
Eliza Doolittle has just given away her priceless trainers to a fan. Or possibly a shoe fetishist.

Corden's back. Oh, shit, he's really not doing any jokes, is he? Obviously that's wise, but surely if all you want is someone to mutter some platitudes, there are people who could do it professionally?

Adele's trying to do a nice, touching, personal song. Unfortunately, she's stood on a massive stage in an aircraft hanger. It's the sort of intimate moment you have when someone streams pictures of you in the shower via Qik.

8.15
@instanthits
Is this going to be The Authenticity Brits #britawards

@flumcake
Bless, James Corden is pretending that he actually has an emotional connection with music. #brits

Adele's getting some glitter dropped on her. In that big space, it just looks like a fleck of dandruff off a shoulder.

8.18
Corden's almost in tears. In tears. "All you need is a piano. Incredible."

He then plugs the downloads on iTunes for those of you not ripping the soundtrack directly.

First album nomination feature: Mumford And Sons. They're brilliant, says Corden.

Eww... they're floating quotes from critics over the top of the package. And giving the Mumfords a chance to have a little chatty about the records. "People can relate to our songs because they're real." Unlike Plan B, whose songs are all figments of your imagination, that would be.

8.20
James Corden's first joke of the evening: "That Mumford doesn't look old enough to be their Dads, does he?" Perhaps he should stick with the not doing jokes.

Justin Beiber is sat in front of a massive bucket of wine. Corden tells him he smells good and asks how old he is. Does he know this is going out on TV?

8.22
Fearne Cotton is introduced (with Corden's first 'I'm fat' joke of the evening) as 'the woman who's broken more bands than I've had hot dinners'. Presumably actually broken them - as in a "fantastic" from Fearne is enough to make you give up?

Breakthrough goes to Tine Tempah. His most famous fans, we're told, include "Princes William and Harry". Says. it. all.

8.24
Tinie's wearing a white suit and a spotted bow tie. Like he's going to a prom without a girlfriend.

"If I wore a suit like that I'd look like a weird umpire" says Corden, which might have been an attempt to explain why Boris Becker is coming on to do the next award.

Boris Becker? Have we run out of presenters already?

8.26
Das Weisse Comet gives the prize to The Arcade Fire. Who the hell are they? I've never heard of them.

That's International Band, by the way.

"We're Arcade Fire. Check it out on Google." That's the first funny joke of the evening. They go on to thank every British band who operated in the 1980s. None since. That might worry the Brits panel, if they think about.

Corden's just done his second fat joke. And I think the first two wank jokes of the evening.

Rihanna seems to be stuck behind one of those curtains you used to get in bookies doorways.

8.27
@eggyweggs1983:
So many talented comedians in the UK and they choose that muppet. For fucking shame. #brits

What the hell is Rihanna wearing? From the chest up it looks like something Rita Fairclough would have worn in her club days; from there downwards it looks... oh, she's ripped it off and is now in her pants. Never mind.

Her dancers are crawling along the floor hammering in despair. Perhaps they realised that Corden had started doing gags again.

Oh, Rihanna's doing one of those things where the artist just sticks bits of the songs together; like Stars On 45. Only this time with fire and a bunch of idiots with drums.

8.34
"After the break, the amazing Mumford & Sons perform." The amazing ones; the slightly dull ones haven't been invited. It's never a good sign when people are desperately telling you you're watching something fantastic.

This new version of JR Hartley with a musician instead of a fly-fishing expert surely only works if you remember the original, which went out - what - twenty years ago? Surely those who recall it will tune out of the young bloke in a record shop scenario, while those who don't won't quite get the point. It is very old.

8.38
Someone else has given the fans their shoes. Of course, post-Egypt showing people your shoes is something of an insult in modern parlance, isn't it?

Mark Ronson is going to give the Critics Choice In Assocation With War Child - why is a charity sponsoring an award?

This one had already been announced, of course: it's Jessie J. Lady GaGa on a European Space Agency budget. "I didn't plan anything to say" she says, which since she's had a month to plan seems like it lacks a little foresight.

Her thank you is really, really dull.

8.42
A package for Tinie Tempah's "fantastic" album. Sorry, "sensational" debut album. "I didn't know why I called it Discovery when I started" says Tinie. You named the album before you started making it?

@tonyofthesea
I think if you go to the Brit School then they just let you have one [Critics Choice prize] along with your A-Levels results.

Mumford And Sons come on. Notice Bob Dylan's not turned up to return the favour.

At least they're dressed correctly for playing in a barn.

People are whooping in the audience, which sounds inappropriate, but they're so far from the stage they've probably only just got the sound of Rihanna reaching them.

8.46
Another act doing a beautiful, fragile song. Did nobody think to pop down to see the size of the venue they were having to fill tonight?

Corden says "that's a brave performance", as if they'd come on and gone Brokeback Mountain.

He then makes a big fuss about - hee hee - this is a music show, and it's about music, but the next presenter is Lewis Hamilton. Which might have been amusing, in a self-defeating way, if he'd done it before Boris Becker came on, but by now there's been almost as many sportspeople on the stage as musicians.

Cee Lo has won International Male.

Cee Lo congratulates the audience on having great taste in music, and says Britain is great for music. He cites Boy George as an example, which again suggests most North Americans think we stopped making music sometime around the start of the Major government.

Tinie Tempah is doing a break bumper - "these shades are a big part of who I am", he says, unconvincingly.

8.52
I've learned something this eveninhg. Admittedly, it's that Jimbob's favourite member of Take That is Mark Owen (thanks, Jack in the comments). Not clear if this is still true now Mark Owen has proven himself to be no better than Leanne Battersby, mind.

@ruskin147
Best mobile device goes to Apple iPhone 4. #MWC
(I think Rory Cellan-Jones is at a better awards ceremony.)

8.54
All the award winners so far are going to show up later to do live performances. What a coincidence.

Alan Carr - who used to be part of an unsatisfactory double-act himself - has come on to do a prize giving. He's made a joke about pedometers.

Best single, partly voted for by listeners to Capital FM, which used to be your local radio station.

Just the snatches of Scouting For Girls and Olly Murs is enough to make you despair. No wonder Americans pretend Boy George is the newest star we've come up with.

Tinie Tempah wins. The voice overs keep suggesting that hits on YouTube are the measure of success, which might be true but hardly suggests that even the Brits takes selling records seriously any more.

8.58
Nearly half way. Tinie insists he wants Labyrinth before he'll do a speech. Big fan of Bowie dressed as a goblin king.

Simon Le Bon and John Taylor - who used to come to the Brits with a wheelbarrow to take awards home in - are on for Best International Group. John Taylor is starting to look like a vampire running for Republican presidential nomination.

Arcade Fire win. Their second prize of the night. Oh, please don't become the Kings Of Leon.

9.02
"I want to thank Haiti". I don't think you quite meant that, Ron Weaseley.

@Caitlin Moran
Simon le Bon looks like a sex-case wombat. In a good way.

Plan B is using back projections for his performance. Because it's all about playing a character, see, so it's like cinema and levels of artifice, see?

This is a good point to feed the cats.

9.05
Oh, more riot police. Perhaps Plan B should have compared notes with Take That?

The cats had turkey in a thick gravy, by the way. Oh, and here's James Corden back on.

While the Brits are on, there's an art show being disrupted by activists. How would we spot if something similar happened here? We might think that it was the third staged riot of the evening.

The XX get their shortlist moment. I'm not sure, but I think this is the first time an NME review has been floated across the screen during one of these album promos. Presumably if they'd won, though, they'd be playing tonight?

9.07
Corden is doing an interview with CeeLo that makes Jools Holland's interviews look like Paxman trying to find out who killed his wife. "Did you fly over on an ordinary plane or come in a boat?"

The Ting Tings are giving away their drum for Mastercard. Yes, you do. The Ting Tings. Apparently they'd only had the drum left as they've sold the rest of their kit for food.

9.11
Confused.com now destroying Chain Reaction with a terrible advert. Nothing should be more upsetting than Go Compare.

@simonth:
When you're at the event itself the 2nd half of the show (i.e. from about now) is a cheap white wine blur. I'm thinking that's on purpose.

@RitchAmes
Here's that Capital FM advert during the Brits, featuring mostly US artists - congrats to JLS and Tinie Tempah for making the grade :(

9.14
Ting Tings have given away their drum. "Could we finish your crisps?" they ask the winner.

Avril Lavigne and Will Young come on together to give a prize, after some stuff about Keys and Gray from Gordon. Because sexism is so bloody funny.

How come Lewis Hamilton gets to present an award on his own and Will Young and Avril have to share?

International Breakthrough goes to Justin Beiber. "I could be his dad or his mum" says Will, confusingly.

Yes, the Brits have given a prize to Beiber. The sound you hear is the value of all the other awards being marked down like Greek Sovereign Debt.

9.17
If Beiber's 16, shouldn't they have dropped by now?

He's trying to bring someone called Mike on stage to share the moment. Mike doesn't come on; perhaps he thinks it's To Catch A Predator - Celebrity Edition.

Boy George - the last musician from the UK America has heard of - is here for British female.

9.19
Did I mention that Corden has tried some ad-libbing?

Fucking hell - Laura Marling. I wouldn't have expected that. It's, like, a well-deserved award. She doesn't look like she expected it, either.

9.21
Arcade Fire doing some live performance now. No armed police on stage. Bless, they're Canadian, so they probably don't understand the rules.

@reaLouiseWener:
Best brit female? Annie Lennox, surely? Or Moyet. It's bound to be Moyet! #Brits

By the way, while we're over here having fun over here, the Commons has just overturned the 40% turnout requirement amendment on the AV Bill. Now would be a good time to riot in the streets, as all the cops are backstage at the Millennium Dome.

9.25
Corden interviews Ronson. "They're my favourite band [Arcade Fire]. They're amazing." "Yes" says Corden, "they're amazing."

Corden tries to keep the Beiber-calling-for-Mike thing going as a running gag. Unfortunately Mark Ronson has no clue what he's talking about.

Take That's album package now. Lots of talk about love over footage of rowing. "We're just starting our journey together."

9.30
It's the only night of the year anyone thinks "I can't wait for ITV News At Ten to start.

@robertnewman:
Still waiting for the Gaye Bykers On Acid reunion on the #Brits

Corden has just suggested Cheryl Cole is on a par with Madonna or Kylie. Is that his waspish sense of humour there?

International Female action time, then. The mighty Robyn's up for this one. Could it be?

No, of course not. You don't think Rihanna turned up just to sing, do you?

Cheryl says that Rihanna's her girl crush. As opposed to that toilet attendant, who was her crushed girl.

9.35
Rihanna: "It doesn't get much bigger than the Brits". Apart from the Grammys, or the Oscars. The BAFTAs. Whatever it is that Rory Cellan-Jones is at.

Corden's jokes are landing so flat you could slide them under a bank vault door, but - let's be fair - he's still nowhere near as awful as Peter Kay was last year. He's not even as embarrassing as the last time he did it.

Neither of those bars, though cleared, are particularly challenging.

9.38
If you're also looking for consolation: rather Tinie Tempah than JLS. At least he can deliver his stuff effectively. Although tonight there's a string section on with him.

"How do you follow that?" asks a gurning Corden, grinning for all the world like a man who's just realised he forgot to set the Sky+ so won't have to sit through this when he gets home.

Dermot O'Leary comes on, and asks the audience to applaud Corden. He doesn't actually pat him on the head, but you wonder if ITV asked him to throw a drowning man a rope.

This is British group time. Take That win, which confirms we're back on the obvious prize route.

9.44
@annagoss
In about 10 seconds Dermot O'Leary did a better job of presenting than Corden has all night

Robbie Williams keeps bellowing "shabba". At least when George Lamb did it, it was only two years too late.

Plan B album package now. It's funny that we now live in age when the record-buying public are too young to know that concept albums are meant to be a bad thing.

Corden is now at a table pointlessly interviewing Plan B. Plan B thinks "a lot more people will be open to hiphop now because of what I done with this record." He's like a rhyming Joe Maplin.

Anasatacia's here now, she's giving away her shoes that she wore on her last tour. Last tour? That must explain why they look like they went out of fashion about 15 years ago then.

There's an advert for Vodafone on now. They're tax-dodging bastards who sucked billions away from the Exchequer, but - oh, they're giving away tickets to see a fashion show so let's forgive them, shall we?

9.50
@ThisisDavina
Ok, got message from friend of voice over lady. Stop mean words... Let's enjoy the show :-)

I think they just showed the wrong break bumper - ought it not to have been someone getting Anastacia's old shoes and not the Ting Tings showing us a guitar?

Roger Daltrey comes on to give the album prize - "good to see the British music industry still has enough money for a good booze-up" he says. Pity it doesn't have the cash for a decent awards show.

Roger says Plan B's performance reminded him of the early days of The Who. He doesn't explain how.

Mumford And Sons have won the best album prize, which I think now means everyone who played live has got a prize, right?

James Corden rushes them off the stage quickly so that Cee Lo can come on and we can all go home. If the Best Album really is the highlight of the evening - which seems to be the new rule of the Brits - why treat the winners like they're being a pain in the arse for enjoying their moment? Especially when there's been time for an interview with Mark Ronson for no apparent reason.

CeeLo has a corsage which appears to be made from Rihanna's discarded dress from earlier.

Paloma Faith has just come on stage in a car. What A TOTALLY UNEXPECTED AND CRAZY COLLABORATION. It's like nothing I have ever seen.

[Producer's note: Please be aware that in the Brits 2012, the part of Paloma Faith will be played by Imelda May.]

I wonder if having done one of Cee's songs, they'll do one of Paloma's. (Actually, I don't).

10.00
And that's it. Not the worst Brits ever. A bit better than last year's. But, oh, the Millennium Dome is an unforgiving dark hole for doing a live TV programme from. Wasn't that the reason they decamped out to Earls' Court in the first place, so it looked like there was an audience present?

James Corden? Snap judgement: he didn't do anywhere near as well as Gordon Smart will say he did in tomorrow's paper. The jokes he did were rancid, and the bits he wasn't doing jokes in had the sincerity of late period Parkinson coupled with the confident delivery of those kids they had doing reports on Why Don't You?

A last word from Twitter:
@phildyson
Dear major record companies. Please fuck and collapse. Do it now you coked up self obsessed wankers

And remember, everyone: they've already signed up James Corden to be back next year. And the year after that. May god have mercy on us all.

Liveblog: Eurovision 2010

"With strobing", apparently.

8.00
"There goes a moment, joining millions of other moments" explains Graham Norton, narrating a crash-through-Eurovision history which is focusing more on the Abbas than the Bing-Bip-De-Bop- bits. Although they haven't airbrushed Johnny Logan yet.

"Moscow - scene of last year's Moscow... erm, Eurovision..."

8.02
And we arrive in Oslo. The Eurovision moments look like minor Doctor Who threats floating in through the audience's head.

Oh, Lord. They've got someone who looks like Al Murray bellowing "good luck, UK" into a webcam. It's like he's in the room with us. And the room has dropped a dozen degrees.

Last year's winner is on, doing the song which won last year. The one we'd forgotten before he reached the end of his victory performance. I think he's there now as a warning to Europe to do better this time.

8.05
The webcam idea is horrible. It's like the BNP invented chatroulette.

To be fair, last year's winner did have nice eyes. It's a pity it wasn't an eye contest.

Three hosts, in varying sizes, and one wearing a horrible beige dress that looks like it was made from an antimacassar which had failed to stop macassar gathering.

8.07
One of the hosts - the normal looking one - has left the stage already. The bloke looks like an air-dried Nicky Campbell.

In real news, David Laws has gone. Has a minister ever quit this early into a government before?

Since the phonelines are already open, shall we just vote, and go straight to the results? It's not like the songs really influence matters much.

8.10 Azerbaijan - Safura: Drip Drop
I suspect at rehearsals she wasn't using the bloke to help her down the stairs - that looks like a health and safety imposition.

Why would you give your song a name which sounds like a nose fighting the effects of a heavy cold? Although, given the song, maybe it's apt.

I do like the little lights under her dress though. Wonder where she puts the batteries?

8.13 Spain - Daniel Diges: Algo Pequeñito
The videos before the bands this year are quite short. Like they couldn't really be arsed. They might even be stock footage. Wonder which country gets the train going into the tunnel?

Daniel appears to be being attacked by the characters from the top of a tin of Quality Street.

As a general rule of thumb, any track which sounds like it's loosely based on fairground music should be treated as one might an unexplained lump under the skin. Get it cut out, throw it away, and try and stop whatever caused it in the first place.

Twitter seems convinced that Daniel Diges might be Leo Sayer with a false passport.

8.17 Norway - Didrik Solli-Tangen "My Heart Is Yours"
Can they make it two in a row? Imagine the pressure of defending the honour of a nation, in front of that nation, wearing a cheap suit with only one button on the jacket.

Ow. And an inability to hit any of the notes.

The song sounded for a moment there like it was going to crank itself up from a slushy march to something more up-tempo. But it was just a false pause before revealing more closely how much of a rip-off of You'll Never Walk Alone this is.

There's some sweet-sounding female backing singers. He might have thought about getting them on the stage to help. As it is, all they can think to do to make 'bloke stood on his own' look interesting is to keep swinging the camera round and round him. Like he was on a wall of death.

8.21 Moldova SunStroke Project and Olia Tira "Run Away"
The SunStroke Project? Really?

The light forming giant clouds is pretty nice. Well done to Norway for that, at least.

Oh, lord. A spinning fiddler. That'd be the sunstroke kicking in, then.

Olia is trying to be Pink. Albeit a Pink pretending that she's not surrounded by a band made entirely of the wacky ones from John Hughes imperial-phase movies.

The song is Eurovision-goes-Ibiza. Nobody does well out of that mix.

8.24
@laverneshow Before we all tweet about this, let's remember how bad the British entry is this year... #eurovision

Cyprus Jon Lilygreen and The Islanders "Life Looks Better in Spring"
This is the Welsh bloke, of course. Who... has just walked on stage and shown us his appendix op scar.

Did that just start Love Changes Everything? Lloyd-Webber will be on to his lawyers.

Hmm. I had been going to do a 'you can see why nobody from Cyprus would sing this and they had to get a ringer in' joke here, but it's not that bad. In a sort-of-song-a-character-in-Neighbours-would-write way.

8.27
@danofthewibble - I like that Moldova had Timmy Mallett on sax. Nice to see he's still in the music game after the Bombalurina split.

Back in Cyprus, the song is still going on. On and on and on.

Bosnia-Herzegovina: Vukašin Brajić "Thunder and Lightning"
"A big rocky number" warns Graham Norton. Did anyone tell the backing group, who have come dressed for a Regional Development Agency launch party.

Vukasin looks like a man going to a Cosplay event as a homemade Chris Martin, though. And has one of those quiffs left looking lost on the front of the head as the hairline recedes away, like Morrissey has.

The song has failed to live up to its "big, rocky" billing. Perhaps Norton said "bit ropey" and I misheard?

8.32
Belguim: Tom Dice "Me and My Guitar"
Tom Dice? Looks like he's yet to throw a six to start.

Oh, Tom's got a whiny little voice, like Jack Johnson protesting that it's too early for bed. No wonder he's reduced to his guitar for company.

@hungryhatter If Bosnia's effort is a rock song then A-ha's Manhattan Skyline is a metal anthem. Best one so far, mind you.

Don't quite understand why Tom Dice has dressed down without a tie, but is still wearing a waistcoat. It's like taking your socks off before sex, but slipping your Hush Puppies back on.

8.36
Serbia: Milan Stanković "Ovo je Balkan" (Oво je Балкан)
It says a lot about how far people drop their national pride that it's rare to see anyone sing a song in their country's language, much less pitch a song that uses a totally different alphabet.

Well... he's blonde, isn't he?

Obviously not really, not at the roots. The dancing girls pretending to be clocks in the background is a nice touch, too.

Is "come on" Serbian, then? Serbian for "come on"?

8.40
Frightening and parping, but somehow the best so far.

Apparently Spain are going to have another chance to do their song for reasons I didn't catch. That's just what we need, for this to all drag on even longer.

Belarus: 3+2 feat Robert Wells "Butterflies"
The theme from Carla Lane's sitcom. Hopefully.

Oh, Robert Wells is staring into the camera like a man who is hoping the police don't look in the spare room.

Justin Lee Collins on piano - perhaps his tiresome efforts to get involved on that Channel Five programme paid off at the very end. Did anyone see the end of that? No?

For a song named after a brightly-coloured, light, fluttery creature, they sure have created something dull and plodding.

8.45
So the women's dressed had butterfly wings which opened out as they got to the end of the song.

Ireland Niamh Kavanagh "It's for You"
Apparently Niamh has won this before - either I'm going to be unable to recognise my own feet by the time I'm 45, or else Eurovision winners are getting more and more forgettable.

If it's the latter, Niamh has gone for another forgettable song this time round. Why mess with the winning formula, eh?

They're playing flutes this year. I don't think they're really ready to win again yet, are they? Maybe if the Euro hadn't tanked, they'd have tried a bit harder this year.

Actually, someone should pull together a graph showing 'quality of song' against 'exposure to collapsing Euro'. We could all vote Greece to win, just to see the look of horror on their faces when they realise they're going to have to find the money to host next year.

Talking of whom...

8.49
Greece Giorgos Alkaios and Friends "OPA" (ΟΠΑ)

Four male dancers, shirts split to the waist, and a singer who looks like he's trying to pretend he's ten years younger than he actually is. A lot of whooping of "OPA!" though.

In fact, it's pretty much all whooping "OPA!"

This could scoop it. Will next year's Eurovision be the first ever austerity song contest? Will Germany demand automatic qualification as part of the bail-out deal?

8.52
UK Josh Dubovie "That Sounds Good to Me"
... and shit to everyone else.

True, Waterman and Stock have written some great pop songs. But they also wrote an awful lot of b-sides for Sonia too.

THEY'VE TRAPPED HIM IN A BOX!

Oh. He's got out. That's our chances cut by about 50%, then.

Presumably, Waterman and Stock's main contribution was digging out the drumbeat from an old floppy disc. Maybe both thought the other was going to finish off the song at some point.

@thoroughlygood: Next year, the #uk should just have someone stand on stage in silence for 3 minutes.

8.57
Not being allowed to vote for the UK removes our ability to punish him by withholding our votes.

Graham Norton is now commentating over footage of him sucking up to the taller of the two hosts. In a very, very long feature.

Georgia Sopho Nizharadze "Shine"
I am eating my George Cross Mars, that the confectioner produced to support this entry.

Two blokes are making a rubbish job of trying to carry Sopho onto the stage. "When it's cold, you're on your own - but you're never alone" she observes. Well, she isn't, as she's unable to shake off the blokes in white or the scary lookalike women rubbing their arses on the floor and looking slightly-stalkery at her.

9.01
I'm not a fan of the big empty ballad, which is quite lucky, as if I was, this would be like seeing my family getting tortured.

Turkey maNga "We Could Be the Same"
MTV Europe award winning band, so serial awards show tarts, then.

They're a Hollywood version of what a High School rock band look like. Down to the flying V guitars and jumping at the loud bits.

There's a lot of flashing lights.

Singer fits a lot of words into his lines; he could have a future as some sort of livestock auctioneer if the music doesn't work out.

(Hint: He should probably be on the phone to Hotten Market in the morning.)

Some woman doing a bit of angle-grinding on stage. Why do rock bands think that's some sort of extreme entertainment? It's DIY. You might as well bring on Billy from DIY SOS to wire up a ceiling rose.

@CathElliott: "Clap your hands!" Hubbie, deadpan: "No." Good start.

9.07
Juliana Pasha "It's All About You"
More unnecessary, histrionic violinage. Perhaps Lattitude were onto something booking Nigel Kennedy after all.

Juliana is doing that dance where you pretend you're being swept about like really strongly-rooted pondweed in a river at full flood. Her backing singers all have buns twice the size of their natural heads balanced on their skulls.

The song seems to be all the bits Waterman left out of the UK entry. I wouldn't say it's a full Pasha, but it's a notunpleasanta.

9.10
Icleand: Hera Björk "Je ne sais quoi"
Hera is Icelandic for "Please vote for me as I'm from the same country as".

Unlike Bjork Bjork, Hera unlikely to be mistaken for a pop elf any time soon. Or a pop genius. She can belt out a tune, though. Pity this isn't a tune.

9.14
Ukraine Alyosha "Sweet People"
The audience appears to be leaving in droves. Perhaps they were confusing Alyosha with the Grim Reaper, as they dress in a very similar way.

Alyosha singing each word as if it has. a. full. stop. after. it. Which is never a good sign - suggests she can't work out where the heart of the words are, so she's giving each word equal vote.

The wind machine has been switched on. She'll regret having tossed that hoodie aside so casually.

9.18
@gibbzer: Fuck, this is cheery. The hood was clearly a signifier.

France Jessy Matador "Allez Ola Olé"
They've entered their World Cup song, which is quite a nifty move from a budgetary point of view. This would mean we'd end up sending Keith Allen to Eurovision every four years.

It sounds like a football song. That is never a compliment.

Amusingly, one of them is wearing those hopped shirts which are usually only worn by English actors pretending to be French people.

9.22
Have we really had eighteen songs already? Blimey.

Romania Paula Seling and Ovi "Playing with Fire"
Wasn't Ovi Nokia's short-lived entertainment project?

They're sat at a see-through, double-headed piano, singing what seems to be 'clang, clang, clang goes the trolley"

@justinecaul : #eurovision looks like the two pairs of white trousers I bought are going to be a great investment for the summer. : )

Sadly, Paula and Ovi have decided against the literal interpretation of their song title, and aren't hurling burning chunks of tar at each other. It might have helped lift the first subpar Lyndsey DePaul effort seen at Eurovision since Lyndsey DePaul took part.

9.26
Russia Peter Nalitch and Friends "Lost and Forgotten"
Graham Norton has said this is the sort of song a friendly drunk might warm too. Pity Wogan's not doing Eurovision any more; it would have been nice for an Eastern European entry he could throw his weight behind.

Whose idea was it to have bright white lights shining so often into the camera tonight?

Peter is singing to a photograph - perhaps of a lost love; perhaps it's Putin. Maybe it's off the child that he'll never see again if he doesn't return to Moscow carrying a Eurovision trophy.

Perhaps Norton thinks this is a song for drunks because it feels like it fell asleep halfway through?

9.30
They've gone backstage. Which can only mean the rest of Europe is enjoying commercials right now.

Iceland have got a volcano backstage with them. It's a bit like Spain taking along a Franco lookalike for a laugh.

Ah, Spain are getting a second go because someone ran on stage during their song. Is that fair? Couldn't you just hide a couple of people in the audience to run on if you're doing badly for another go?

Armenia: Eva Rivas "Apricot Stone"
All hail an artist with a rhyming name! And a guy sat on a stone playing a traditional instrument.

This sounds like it might be an advert for an Apricot Stone Marketing Board. Have Armenia done a crafty doubling-up like France did? Or is Apricot Stone some sort of euphemism in Armenia? Is every teenage Armenian boy sniggering into his sleeve right now? "She said 'apricot stone', dude... she said it again. And again."

9.35
Germany: Lena "Satellite"
Lena. Not Nena. She looks like the sort of girl who does quite well on Top Model until three from the end when they kick her out for being too quirky.

And she's Lily Allen goes Cabaret, it turns out.

@dillpickle: I like Armenia quite a lot but could she not have found a sexier dude to dance with the jug? #eurovision

A question we've all asked ourselves at some point.

Back to Lena: who knew you could hear the Bow Bells in Berlin? Surely Lena is the first pearly queen of Leipzig?

You can see why the bookies might have made this a favourite.

9.39
Portugal: Filipa Azevedo "Há dias assim"
Singing in Portuguese, which at least means the lucrative Brazilian market might be interested if it flops here. If Brazil ever tires of songs with a samba beat. Or any sort of beat to them. Or life to them. Or...

Look, let's put it like this: we're not going to be seeing the cream of Portuguese Camera and Production work in 2011, right?

9.42
Israel: Harel Skaat "Milim"
Harel won a Pop Idol style competition to be here tonight. I wonder if he gets let off military service as well? Or only if he wins?

Oh, he's a Middle Eastern Jacques Brel.

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarvis cuts to the most important question of all:
@jeffjarvis: Just curious: Can you watch #esc #eurovision on your new iPads, Europe? Or is this bad Flash called Octoshape verboten?

I think Apple have actually just rejected half the songs from being allowed to appear on the iPad platform.

Actually, if the iPad blocked Harel, you'd see a queue forming outside the Apple Store again tomorrow.

9.47
Denmark: Chanée and N'evergreen "In a Moment Like This"
This would be the end of the first stage, were we not getting a second go at Spain. I suppose ending on John Oates dressed as Barry Manilow singing John Waites might be a fitting end.

Hang on, Carole Malone's joined him on stage, turning the song from Missing You to a divorce-era Abba album track.

9.50
The guy who ran on stage during Spain's first go has been arrested. Organisers are saying it was "a well-organised stunt", although they're hardly going to say that they were so lax any ill-prepared drunk could get on stage.

So Spain's getting a second go at the Quality Street tin song. Let's hope the singer didn't sneak a look at Twitter and realise all of Europe believes he's Leo Sayer in disguise. That'd ruin your confidence more than being rushed at by a Eurovision stage-invader.

9.55
And the newsroom will now be calling the cab company asking if they could come a bit later tonight.

@charltonbrooker: Oh good. This again. We're stuck in a looping nightmare, folks. It will last 97 years.

The presenter's hair appears to have been made by Chanel, judging by the logo stuck in there. Or maybe it was taken there by a jackdaw which is nesting somewhere within.

Bit of business with some pizza and popcorn from NickyCampbellJunior.

And now we're getting the reminder run-through. As if we could forget.

@goodoldMJ: that was the worst Top of the Pops I've ever seen, I hope Tomorrow's World is better #eurovision

9.58
They've got about an hour to churn through the incoming numbers.

10.03
Well, I was able to pee and feed the cats in the time it took for them to run through the entries. If the reminder of the songs lasts so long you've forgotten the first one again by the time they reach the end, is it worth doing?

Now there's some business on tape at the Oslo town hall. The one good thing to come out of the BBC being privatised would be we'd get adverts instead of these filmed bits.

10.05
NickyCampbite saying "it looks like it's going to be one of the most exciting Eurovisions in a long time". Looks like? Isn't it nearly over?

Oh. Another run through all twenty-five songs. Again.

Then 39 countries to vote. And then we can find out what damage has been done to the government.

10.10
Ellie Gellard's just tweeted that she's voted for France and Greece. Let's hope that doesn't have the same effect on them as her endorsement did on Gordon Brown.

And the lines are closed. If you haven't rigged your nation's vote, it's too late.

They're now doing a filler piece where the audience are being asked to be part of the performance. One guy tried to be part of the performance during Spain's bit, and he ended up in prison for his efforts. Make your mind up, Oslo.

10.13
People all over Europe are dancing half-heartedly to some mid-paced Europop.

The British bit looks like they got swamped by a pub letting out while they were trying to film it.

It's a nice idea. Like it's like the Look East 'people where you are' ethos suddenly weaponised.

10.20
Let the results start to pour. Please.

Bugger, I've got the it's not a Flashmob it's just a lot of people dancing they never called it flashmobs when Record Breakers did that sort of thing song stuck in my brain now.

10.22
Romania are first to give their votes. If Nadia ever stops explaining the bloody rules.

The woman from Bucharest sounds slightly patronising-cum-sarcastic: "what an amazing show..."

Denmark get the early lead. Didn't see that coming.

10.25
Ireland. Will they throw the UK a bone? Four points.

God, that's tantamount to Ireland cutting our face with a knife. Pete Waterman might want to book a long holiday.

10.26
The German guy is wearing a rosette with Lena on it. It looks a little creepy. Oh, and he's calling out her name. Can we dock points for this sort of thing?

Serbia's votes next.

10.28
Very mixed results so far - some people loved Denmark, some loved Belguim. And Serbia apparently loved Bosnia-Herzegovina.

Did Graham Norton just tell someone to fuck off?

Albania have given the UK a single point. And tickled Greece into the lead. OPA!

10.30
The Turkish presenter appears to have been on her way home before she popped back to give out the votes.

12 points to Azerjaiban.

Croatia wheeled on next - very no-nosense they are in Zagreb. Apart from in their necklaces. Twelve points to Manga, and then a terse goodbye before Poland come on.

10.32
"The votes from the Polish people from Poland" she explains, helpfully. Someone's told her to make sure she shows her good side to the camera, although without telling her which side that might be. I think she's guessed wrongly. 12 points to Denmark.

A budget Shirley Manson next, with the Bosnia votes.

The UK is stuck on five at the moment, and we're not getting any here, either.

Bosnia's 12 goes to Serbia. Probably on a promise of getting their hair straighteners back.

10.34
The woman from Finland is delivering their results like she's declaring war. 12 to Germany.

Onto Slovenia, where the presenter is experimenting with his sexuality.

Lena's in the lead at the moment; Spain has only managed 18 points - which is nine per performance. Still more than the UK if you do that, too.

10.36
The Estonia guy is singing his results. And wearing a jacket that makes him look like he's misunderstood leather is meant to be treated before you wear it.

Germany have broken into three figures. They've almost got as many figures as the UK has actual points.

Moscow just been on with their votes, and Portugal is doing their thing now. The most normal looking presenter so far. It's looking like we'll be in Berlin next year.

10.39
Azerbaijan have got fireworks in the background of their result-giving. That seems a bit extreme. I hate to think what their election programmes look like.

Germany are 25 points ahead, with less than half countries declaring.

10.41
Greece have shoved on the same guy who they keep at the state broadcasters' in case they need a 'imposition of martial law' newsflash. He looks like he hasn't slept in a week.

And now Iceland. Ten to Belgium who, after a good start, had failed to get much traction. Their 12 to Denmark appears to have generated some boos in the Oslo audience.

10.43
Denmark have - genuinely - got their runner-up from the heats to do the results stage. Is that a not-much-of-a-consolation-Prize? Their 12 goes to Germany. I think Lena have won it.

10.44
Is the French presenter wearing a rubber dress? I hope she's only just put that on. If she's been wearing it since the start of the show, her ankles must be sloshing around in a sea of sweat by now. 12 to Turkey's school band rockers.

And we're on to Spain, who gave 12 to Germany.

10.46
"Anything can still happen" says the presenter, although it looks a lot like 'anything' here means 'Germany will win'.

They're doing a bit with Lena backstage. She's come over a bit Cameron-like, forgetting to pretend she doesn't think it's in the bag.

10.48
Rest of Europe back from the adverts. 19 nations have yet to speak. Germany-Turkey-Belgium are 1-2-3. The UK is pretending we didn't take part.

Slovakia have stood their man in front of a beautifully-lit bridge of some sort. He;s given twelve to Germany.

Carol Decker has pulled a shift doing the Bulgaria results. Armenia overhaul Georgia somewhere in the middle of the table after she does her thing. Azerbaijan get twelve from Bulgaria. "A few more like that and Germnay can be caught" says Graham, hoping we'll keep interested.

10.52
It looks like wonderbra technology has finally arrived in Ukraine. Another 12 to Azerbaijan from them.

Latvia's presenter seems to be about to try and sell us some genuine goods from a suitcase.

Ooh, everytime Russia get points, the room boos. Not very Eurovision.

Latvia's 12 goes to Germany. Backstage, Lena orders for a swan to be killed in her honour.

10.54
Malta's presenter looks like the woman who performed for Iceland. The UK gets bugger-all from Malta. Empire is dead.

The home votes now, from Norway. Their 12 goes to Germany.

In case you're wondering, the UK hasn't been disqualified, and we're still beating Ireland. And Belarus.

Cyprus votes give their 12 to Greece. OPA! It must have been nice for them to have a song people actually like to give the 12 to this year.

10.57
The Lithuanian presenter proves that heavy heroin use is no bar to a television career. 12 to Georgia, but by now Germnay is nearly 70 ahead.

Results now from a frightened man in Belarus. Perhaps he was scared because he knew how people would boo when he gave 12 to the Russians.

10.59
Switzerland's 6 for Ireland has knocked us to ''just one above Belarus'.

Belgium have given their 12 to OPA! but it has come too late.

Who let Scott Mills do our presenting? Is he the face we want to show Europe? The people of the UK turn out to have loved Greece. OPA! OPA!

11.03
The Dutch woman has said "let's find out who has the X Factor..." Wrong show. Cowell will sue, you know.

Nearly there now. Israel's Max Headroom on Slimfast is "privileged" to share this moment. "Ten points to the big mother of Russia". There's no need to be so rude, man. Nothing for Germany.

11.05
The Macedonian seems to be implying they had a thing with one of the Oslo based presenters. That must have been a drunken night. By now, of course, Germany have clearly won and the UK have not a hope of making double figures. If only someone had sat Pete Waterman in front of a camera for this.

The Moldovan woman is indoors. Apparently outside a washroom. Three nations to go.

11.07
Georgia is wishing "good luck to everybody". That might be a bit late. Bloody hell, three for the UK - double figures! In your face, Scooch. Oh, but we're also now last.

Hey, guy from Sweden, this isn't a Gillette advert. Twelve from him goes to Germany after he pretends to not remember - what a card, eh?

And finally, Armenia. Who have a real princess to do their business.Unless she's got 80 points hidden in her handbag, Germany have won.

11.11
So, Stock and Waterman are a bust. Maybe we need to take Thom Yorke's offer seriously.

Blimey, though, they're more-or-less on time, which is quite good considering Spain had to go twice.

Ah. Trying to get a young drunk German woman to sing is causing the last few minutes to fall over.

Onto Germany next year, then...

One last question: was it just coincidence the only large, live crowd linked-up to Oslo came from Germany? Because it's really lucky they had a winning audience to show during the reprise, isn't it?

And one last tweet, from Sarah Cawood: Josh's family are inconsolable. I would ask you respectfully 2 be kind to him. He's a very talented boy who had to work with a 2nd rate song.

Team Josh already turning on Stock & Waterman, then?

Last year: 2009