It's not Long Lost Family

The International Business Times oversells the Minogue duet:

I know for a fact they've met up at the odd Christmas, and I'm sure there was an awkward encounter at a cousin's wedding back in 1997...

Kylie Minogue discovers nobody on The Voice sells any records

Apparently Kylie has left Parlophone after Kiss Me Once struggled to sell more than 60,000 copies.

Or, possibly, Parlophone has left Kylie. For the same reason, though.

Boy George never dissed Madonna or Kylie. Not recently, anyway

Tetu, a French magazine, recently carried an interview with Boy George which included a quote from him saying, in effect, that he would never be like Madonna or Kylie, chasing every trend to keep hold of their positions in pop.

He never said anything like it though. And he's getting a cheque to prove it:

Kittens robbed by Kylie

Oh, the strange spikes in the road of history. What might have been, had Ferdinand taken a different route; had Hitler's paintings not been so shit; had Kylie not robbed Atomic Kitten.

You heard. She's a thief:

"I'll tell you what was going to be our song - Kylie's 'I Can't Get You Out of My Head'," Liz McClarnon told Digital Spy.

"Can you believe it? She robbed our song. She's a little robber."

Obviously, there's no sense in which the song was ever the Kitten's, any more than a potato you're looking at in Waitrose is yours before you pay for it.

And I think most independent viewers would judge Kylie taking that song out of the jaws of Kerry Katona was an act of rescue, rather than of theft.

The Voice: A quick observation

Kylie quits The Voice is the new 'Brucie quits Strictly'.

Supplementary: Nobody seems keen on running 'Ricky Wilson quits Voice; delivers blow to the BBC' stories.

Kylie, we need to talk

Back when we were nine or ten, we thought it was bloody hilarious to say "sexercises" - we'd wiggle our fingers and chant "sexercises, sexercises, we are doing our sexercises".

We had no idea what it all meant, but it was bloody hilarious.

When you were ten.

Hang on, here's a press release from Warner Brothers:

In what can only be described as the hottest workout video ever, Kylie introduces her fans to the hot and steamy world of "Sexercize."

Oh. But it's not just twitching fingers, is it?

If one video isn't enough to satisfy your cravings for the world's raunchiest workout, let your fingers do the walking to...

Oh, Kylie.

Coming later this year: Kylie launches viral video for new single Milk, Milk, Lemonade, Round the corner chocolate's made.

Kylie: Young woman had sex shock

The Daily Star is regurgitating already vomit-flecked stuff from The News Of The World ("The Sun On The Sunday") about Kylie.

It's shocking. Prepare to be shocked:

Kylie Minogue's girl-next-door image shattered by sex revelations in explosive new book

There was a period when Kylie was known as SexKylie, so this is the sort of shock right up there with discovering that cheese, for all its tasty solidity, was once milk.

The Star seems aware that this is a yawning chasm in their story, so try to rationalise why this might be a shock:

The pint-sized pop star, who is well-known for her innocent girl-next-door image, is said to have been naughty between the sheets long before her highly-publicised romance with Michael Hutchence, who is said to have "corrupted" her.

The "revelation" is simply that she had sex with someone, so the Star is hoping that 'woman had sex with someone before the boyfriend she met when she was 20' is some sort of surprise. (Apart from anything, surely this is going to generate another Jason Donovan lawsuit?)

It basically all boils down to a tatty book from a tatty little man, Sean Smith, who has got a tattier little man Paolo Marcolin to "tell-all". (It's a 'two teenagers having sex at a party' story - which, a quick search of Google will reveal, is a thing that has never happened anywhere else, at any point before or after.)

And how much weight should we give to Mr Macrolin's testimony?

"We lay on the floor. It was freezing but I had enough alcohol in me not to notice. I was really enjoying myself because Kylie was so nice," Paolo added.

So Marcolin was too drunk to notice it was freezing, and yet he noticed it was freezing.

Sean Smith - who, let's not rush to judge as some sort of grubby smut peddler, perhaps a man with stained trousers and smelly fingers - appears to have some sort of justification for trying to make money and headlines out of a fairly typical thing for a teenager to have done:

"For someone so careful about her private life, Kylie can be astonishingly indiscreet. It is as if, every so often, she gets the devil in her."

Even for a screaming moral vacuum, this is disingenuous. His own tale suggests that this isn't true - let's just look back at Paolo's quote:

"My hands were wandering a bit. Out of the blue, she said, 'Do you want to go somewhere even more private?' Of course I agreed. It sounded great to me.

"She had no idea where she was going but eventually took me to the opposite side of the house. There were a few people catching taxis, so we walked round the corner to be out of sight — or so I thought."
[...]
However, the pair soon realised that they were getting frisky in full view of the other party guests and headed to a small workshop underneath the house where they allegedly began having sex.

So, given that Kylie - without, at this stage, some sort of judging role on Saturday night TV to worry about - twice moved somewhere further out of public view hardly screams of indiscretion. Sean Smith seems to be saying that simply by having someone else present to have sex with Kylie's leaving herself open to having it discussed.

Perhaps Sean hasn't noticed, but it's Paolo who is being indiscreet. It might be a bit much to claim that Kylie had the devil in her, but she certainly seems to have made room for a bit of a Judas.

Stock, Aitken & Waterlogged: Hit Factory flooded out

The rain that has been falling has washed away the Hyde Park Hit Factory minifestival, carrying away with it the prospect of Jason Donovan reuniting with Kylie Minogue and - perhaps more significantly - the chance for Sonia to remind people that she used to exist.

Kylie: Jakarta off? No, she just started late

Kylie's no fool. She knows the traffic in Jakarta is a nightmare, so she arranged to arrive at her gig there by helicopter.

Unfortunately, nobody thought to chopper in the crew, and so the gig still wound up starting half an hour late by the time they'd made it through the gridlock.

Gordon in the morning: News in brief shorts

Kylie Minogue has kicked off her Aphrodite Les Folies world tour. But, of course, there's only one thing on Gordon's mind:

KYLIE MINOGUE donned hotpants for her return to live touring – six years after vowing she would never again wear skimpy shorts.

The Aussie singer, 42, danced in a denim version of the gold pair that made her bottom a sensation back in 2000.

What did she play? Were there new songs? How was her voice?

Ah, that Gordon cannot say. But he does know this:

And on stage in Hernig, Denmark, on Saturday night Kylie was still as toned as when she chose the look for her Spinning Around video.

What a tremendous arse. And yet he has a newspaper column.

Gordon in the morning: Band fracture at the bedside

Gordon hasn't enjoyed himself with a terrible episode in Cheryl Tweedy's life since he kept banging away at her marriage for days on end last year. You know, the thing that caused all that stress that somehow contributed to her illness?

Thank god that nobody is causing Tweedy stress and anxiety while she's got malaria, eh, Sean Hamilton?

MALARIA victim CHERYL TWEEDY has banned her Girls Aloud best friends KIMBERLEY WALSH and NICOLA ROBERTS from seeing her.

There's an attempt to paint this as some sort of band-strife thing, rather than just Cheryl only taking visits from her mum and current boyfriend. Still, I'm sure painting 'I don't want to see anyone' as 'Cheryl bans bandmates' won't make her any more stressed, eh?

A source said: "Cheryl doesn't want people to see her as she is."

Don't worry, A source: hardly anyone even mentions that time she beat the crap out of the woman in the toilets.

Oh. You mean "see her being ill."

Hamilton reveals that not only has it put the kibosh on X Factor judging and the new album, but Tweedy's illness has also disrupted the timetable on another popular public entertainment:

The 27-year-old has even put her divorce from love-rat footballer ASHLEY COLE on ice as she is too frail to meet lawyers or read documents.

But Sean, that can't be the case, can it? I can definitely remember Gordon Smart announcing that Cheryl was going to ensure the divorce was "done and dusted" before the World Cup.

Elsewhere, Gordon runs photos from Kylie's shoot for Out, which gives him the opportunity to indulge in a spot of distancing himself from the idea of being gay:

It was pointed out to me by a good-with-colours friend, obviously.

But the pics are a pleasant treat for her lady-liking fans too.

Good with colours friend? That's lame in both directions.

Gordon in the morning: Kylie on the pyramid stage

Gordon is confidently predicting that Kylie will turn up at Glastonbury after all, as the Scissor Sisters throw the kitchen sink at their set to try and restart their careers:

Kylie will perform single All The Lovers with the uber-camp pop band. And, as I revealed yesterday, they have invited SIR IAN McKELLEN to perform with them, too.

Meanwhile, the fawning is back full-on for Diana Vickers:

The chart-topping youngster got stuck into the Pimm's at her management firm Modest's summer party in London on Tuesday.

And I'd have done the same, if I'd just landed a quarter-of-a-million quid publishing agreement with Universal.

It's sterling work for Vickers and proves she can pen a mean tune.

Well, no it doesn't - signing a deal doesn't prove anything; the proof is if you're able to earn the money mentioned on the contract.

Gordon in the morning: Get orf my land

On the front of the Bizarre pages this morning, there's an interesting-sounding headline:

Kylie Glasto Blow

- which suggests a rather tightly targeted celebrity-endorsed product being prepared for next weekend.

The story, though - or 'something Gordon read in a magazine' - is rather more what you'd expect. Kylie won't be invited to play Glastonbury:

She was due to play the festival in 2005 but had to pull out after being diagnosed with breast cancer.

And now dairy farmer Michael doesn't want her on the bill.

He tells Recognise magazine: "She was going to do it years ago but then she was ill.

"We've all moved on. We've moved on to different things now."

What does that actually mean? Is Eavis suggesting that Kylie has no place on a bill which can find space for Shakira, U2 and Damon Albarn's Comedy Monkey Band? You find pop-snobbery in the oddest places, but I can't think of such a tightly-directed piece of pop snobbery in recent years.

Gordon in the morning: Butt mutterings

Kylie Minogue wants people to know that her famous arse isn't really her famous arse:

Talking about her butt, Kylie admitted: "I really don't know what all the fuss is about.

"It's all smoke and mirrors. I get a lot of help to look like that in my videos."

This isn't the first time she's pointed out that the bottom you see in her videos isn't the bottom she carries about in her knickers. But it's useful to be reminded.

So, Gordon, now you know what you're looking at is basically a drawing of a bottom, I bet you feel a bit silly, right?

You know what, I don't care if Kylie has had a bit of trickery to help her out.

She's still got a backside that every man has enjoyed looking at over the years.

"You know, I don't care if you're really a child-eating lizard who is just making me think you look like Angelina Jolie. Because you still look like Angelina Jolie to me."

Thatcher-off: The chart showdown

Thirty years ago this morning, James Callaghan was looking for boxes, while The Queen was facing the horror of having her hand kissed by Thatcher. (Although at least we can be sure that she didn't drivel and/or drool as she kissed her.) And thus began the period of British politics which, it seems, we're now obliged to say saw Thatcher "do what had to be done" - sorry, all you people, you had to be done, never mind.

But was it good for the country, really? There's only one way to find out, and that's by comparing the top tens for April 1979, the last month of a Labour government, with November 1990, when even Thatcher's closest chums got sick of her. Were the charts in a better state when she arrived, or when she left?

Number 10, April 1979: Hallelujah - Milk And Honey



Fresh from winning Eurovision - back at a time when people still felt obliged to point out that, actually, Israel would be Middle East rather than Europe - the declining moments of a Labour government were hymned by a desire for peace, and love. Isreal's entries to Eurovision often sing about peace and understanding, because otherwise the bands would be force to appear carrying signs saying "It's not our fault. We're just musicians."

Number 10, November 1990: Kylie Minogue - Step Back In Time



There are some who might suggest that it;s appropriate that, as the nation moved from the Victorian Values of Thatcher to Major's bicycling virgins going to Orwellian churches, what could be more appropriate than a song calling on us to step back in time? (And, as we'll see as we climb the charts, music had pretty much done that anyway.)

This video, apparently, is the fifth most popular performance on CD:UK ever ever ever.

Clearly, though, in this battle there is only one winner: Pre-Thatcher - 0; Post-Thatcher 1.

[More across the day]

UPDATE: 09/04/13 - Replaced the Milk & Honey video with one that works

Gordon in the morning: Handing out hugs and blankets to the shocked masses

Gordon, of course, has coverage of the Razorlight split. And there's only one way to sum up the split of a British band shortly before a gig in Cheshire:

Trouble in America...

In order to stack up the headline, the made-up, sorry, unnamed source places the argument that "brought things to a head" between Borrell and Burrows as happening "during a recent trip to America". Although if that was true, you might wonder why Burrows didn't quit there and then.

Elsewhere, Kylie Minogue is getting a stupid sum of money for recording a single track for a Bollywood film - three quarters of a million quid, apparently. Now, I've been keeping up with the news - we're meant to gather and boo when people get paid money completely out of proportion to their work they do and the value they generate, right? C'mon Gordon - let's boo Kylie, shall we?

And as she chats to star AKSHAY KUMAR between filming she looks worth every penny.

Oh. Are you suggesting that Fred Goodwin could have avoided all that bad press if he'd just been a bit prettier?

It's perhaps fortunate that Gordon Smart isn't up a mountain with Cheryl Cole - can you imagine how thin the atmosphere at the top of Kilimanjaro would be if Smart was having to follow up the story about Ashley Cole's latest bit of bother? Especially given that it turns out his arrest-attracting rage was sparked by someone taking photos for The Sun in the first place?

For the paper, Andy Crick and Philip Case are covering the "story", and they do have quite a scoop:

Cole, who earns £82,000 a week, plonked himself on a bar stool. Then as Chelsea skipper Terry and Mancienne mingled, he knocked back a bottle of Japanese Asahi lager.

He clutched a wad of £20 notes as he ordered a round of drinks — and began chatting to a blonde clubber wearing a shiny blue mini-dress and a string of white pearls.

Sadly, the paper's two writers fail to mention if Cole had been wearing the mini-dress when he was drinking the lager, or if he'd nipped off to change.

Still, nobody would be as cheap as to try and get mileage out of his wife being off doing good works, would they?

Fundraiser v hellraiser

It truly is a dichotomy. It's almost impossible to imagine Cheryl Cole ever being in a violent outburst at a nightclub.

Darkness at 3AM: Coldhearted cold comfort for Coldplay

The 3Am Girls are also signed up to the party line that Coldplay being not good enough is some sort of snub:

Coldplay snubbed at Brits as they lose in four categories

Doesn't that make them losers rather than snubbed?

The 3AMies can't understand it:

Only earlier this month Chris Martin and his band celebrated Grammy success, but yesterday at a star-studded London’s Earls Court they were snubbed on their own soil.

Their own star-studded London's Earl Court soil, no less.

In front of celebs including Duffy, Alexandra Burke, Katy Perry, Kings of Leon, Kylie and Take That, the boys looked on in disbelief as each of the main categories passed them by.

Oh, hang on. The Brits organisers hauled them up in front of celebs (and the woman who won Sing a Song For Simon) so everyone could watch their little faces crumple in distress? That would be quite a snub. Had it happened like that.

They lost out in British album, British group, British single – voted for by the public – and British live act.

Pssst... the live act one? That was also voted for by the public. Or "us", as we like to call ourselves.

And it was made all the weirder by the fact they rocked their post-awards show at Shepherd’s Bush afterwards.

Yes, fancy the voting academy not taking into account a private event they hadn't even played at the time of the prizes being given out. That's just so weird.

So, then, this year's Brits were nothing more than a farrago, designed to humiliate Chris Martin even more than his dancing does, right?

Oh... except when it was giving awards to Duffy. Then, the prizes were well-chosen, feting our new singing queen:

But it was a different story for Duffy, who was crowned queen of the night with a staggering three gongs.

The Welsh babe scooped British album and British female after quashing rivals Estelle and Adele.

Then she rubbed it in with Best Breakthrough. Lord have Mercy! One boozy record exec told us: “This is Duffy’s year. Not only was she the toast of the Grammys, she won over the tough Brits committee. That’s something not even Lily Allen could do who left empty-handed last year.”

God, how drunk was that executive? That last sentence really does sound like it was written after a George Best style celebration.

Don't you love the idea that the Brits committee is somehow "tough", as if they meet round the back of a run-down Peckham tower block and you can't vote until you've proved yourself by pinching something from Wilkinsons.

And what of Kylie? Apparently she was shocked:

Kylie shocked by James Corden and Mat Horne's Brit performance

Of course, she wasn't shocked at all. But she hasn't made a single called I Knew This Was Going To Happen, We Have Rehearsed After All, And You Should Have Seen The Negotiations With My Management.

Gordon in the morning: Living the values

Come, let us measure today's work by Gordon Smart against the inspiring calls from his editor Rebekah Wade in her Hugh Cudlipp lecture.

Rebekah:

With these market forces, it's even more important to remember why we exist: Journalism.

Gordon:

KYLIE MINOGUE has recorded a song with Aussie kids’ music group THE WIGGLES — after I revealed last year she was desperate to team up with the four cheesy lads in coloured tops.

Rebekah:

Great press campaigns can change history and shape new laws. They can build a bridge between public opinion and public policy.

Gordon:

Stevie-Louise, wearing blue, said: “Russell [Brand] took his clothes off as soon as we got through his front door. He was definitely wanting a threesome — and he thought he was going to get one.”

Rebekah:

Campaigns provide a unique connection to the public especially when the subject matter is of a serious nature.

Gordon:

“I like going to sleep with nice thoughts in my head. I’ll always pick When Harry Met Sally over Saw V.”

James [Corden] reveals the shocking truth in the March issue of movie mag Empire.

Rebekah:

The newsroom needs journalists who have great contacts, the reporters who can break the news not just report it, the photographers that can bring in the exclusives.

Gordon:

NOEL GALLAGHER reckons playing guitar steered him away from a life of crime.

The OASIS axeman, who lived in the Manchester suburb of Burnage as a child, tells Total Guitar magazine...

Rebekah:

The quality of our journalism will make or break our industry, not the recession.

Gordon:

Failed Yorkshire businessman KEITH LEMON has gone one better by enticing Page 3 beauties BECKY and CHELSEA to dance with him.

Rebekah:

Our ancient craft is to tell many people what few people know.

Gordon:

I reckon COLEEN ROONEY must have spent at least a grand on bikinis for her hols.

WAYNE'S curvy missus displayed YET ANOTHER snazzy design as she relaxed on the beach in the Caribbean with her parents COLETTE and TONY, as well as brother JOE.

Brits 2009: Presenting the presenters

Much excitement over the announcement that Kylie, James Corden and Matthew Horne will be presenting this year's Brit Awards. And there's no way the excitement of today's announcement was in any way ruined by, erm, Corden having announced it all on the Sunday Night Project eight days ago.

Still, it's a good choice - even with Corden at the stage in his career which he'll refer to, in years to come, as the bit just before "I realised I was in the gossip columns every morning and the clubs every night, and I was making everyone heartily sick of me". The pair are probably the only presenters who've managed to shake off the ghost of Russell Brand on Big Brother's Big Mouth, and the self-indulgence of the musical longueurs on Gavin And Stacey are done with love. And Kylie Minogue will wear some nice shoes.

The Osbournes aren't exactly a hard act to follow, mind. If Corden and Horne manage to stand facing the right way for at least a couple of links, they'll be ahead.

Gordon in the morning: And she's a fun-loving health-scare beating pop pixie...

Bizarre this morning is leading with a piece by Sharon Hendry:

He's tall with smouldering Latin looks ... and a fear of commitment. Is it true love for Kylie or ... DEJA PHEW!

And that's just the headline.

He is called Andres Velencoso Segura, he may or may not be seeing Kylie, and that may or may not be a problem:

[W]hile many women would not be distracted in the arms of smouldering Spanish supermodel Andres Velencoso Segura, Kylie can’t ignore the fact that he is the spitting image of Olivier, the French actor who nursed her through breast cancer.

Presumably Europeans are the last people about whom it's permissible to say "they all look the bloody same to me".

Still, it's great for The Sun, since nobody hear knows anything about Segura, allowing acres of space-filling with biography and clumsily-translated old interviews which may, or may not, be significant in light of his possible romance with Kylie:

Andres, who lists his hobbies as scuba diving off the Costa Brava, cycling, Pilates and photography, is also not shy of showing off his impressive body, even having modelled in the nude.

A model who isn't shy of showing off his body. Whatever next, eh?

While some readers might be delighted with the bluffer's guide to Segura...

KYLIE came to fame as Jason Donovan’s wife in Neighbours.

... they might not be quite so much in need of a Kylie guide.

Today's pages have the air of Gordon being elsewhere - perhaps he's had to get a second job to help his employers pull some cash together to give to Sharon Osbourne - although the non-story that Simon Cowell is supposedly going to release a Russell Brand novelty single looks a little Gordonesque, in that it's a bold claim with scant actual support and a hell of a lot of padding and clod-headed claims:

It could be 2009’s answer to WHIGFIELD’s Saturday Night.

But that wasn't a comedy song. Gordon really needs to read some guide to songs by comedians. Luckily, he's dumped one into the very same piece:

Over the years loads of comedians have trampled the same path.

ALEXEI SAYLE wrote Ullo John! Gotta New Motor? NEIL from THE YOUNG ONES had a No2 with Hole In My Shoe.

VIC REEVES AND THE WONDERSTUFF topped the charts with Dizzy.

FRANK SKINNER and DAVID BADDIEL wrote some song about footie’s European Championships and PETER KAY has had a couple of chart-toppers in the past few years.

Ah, the joys of two minutes on Wikipedia, eh?

Still, thanks to the Sun's "I have nothing to add but I shall type it anyway" looky-at feedback feature I Reckon This, Gordon isn't the least well-informed person on the page:

Posted by: carolmumof4

Well you have to be a nonce, an idiot, Ignorant and stupid to be called a "celebrity" or make a CD in Politically correct creeping, stupid, yellow livered Britain. Country is down the pan.

So, if you're smart and you want to get a CD release in Britain, the only way to do is by sexually abusing children?